Griff's 3 year photos from Sears

http://www.SearsPhotos.com/ViewSharedAlbum.aspx?ShareID=a4430867-ab8c-415b-b380-cb26399809db  (you can check them out here)

So, we waited for an hour and got lucky enough to get a photographer on her first day!  Yikes!  I had zero patience at the end of the shoot and wanted to step in and just do it myself.  It was ridiculous.  She had no experience and should have had someone there to help (but that other person was busy taking senior pictures for a girl that didn't even have an appointment set up). 
G is an easy smiler and we got a few good ones.  Just know NOT to make appointments on the weekends ever again!  Happy 3, G!!!  We love ya!

In full swing...

Baseball began in March, the draft anyway.  A few practices and many games later, we are now into the heart of tournament season as well.  We seem to be eating, living, and breathing baseball.  Max went from not having the greatest of confidences to being on the top of the world--hitting every time and enjoying the game.  Since getting hit with a few balls and facing some tough teams this tournament weekend, he feels like a 'loser'--and no amount of "just do your best" seems to be helping him out of his slump and feelings of worthlessness.

 

We live in such an age of "be the best or don't bother" and I find it very challenging to teach my boys that their best really is good enough.  Just try.  Just always try to be the very best Max you can be.  That's all I expect, that's all God expects...  But, it's tough.  There's always someone who wants more (whether it's internal or external).

 

Max has always been hard on himself.  He wants to be perfect.  He wants to make everyone happy (and perfection somehow seems to be the answer to this demand he places on himself).  I, in turn, want him to be happy.  If only he could be like his three year old brother and just be happy blowing bubbles, getting a piece of candy now and then, riding his bike, playing in the dirt, and finding the occasional caterpillar who is brave enough to be cuddled by an energetic three year old boy (smile). 

But, Max has always been a people pleaser--he worries and has horrible anxiety issues if he feels like he's letting anyone down.  Seriously, kiddo, just go out there and have fun.  Daddy always tells him to just keep swinging.  Don't be afraid.  If you fail, at least you've tried.  Logic wasted on our eight year old (sad).  Apparently he's inherited the pp (people pleaser) gene from me.  It's become far less dominant in my 30's...

All we can do is tell him how proud we are of him and how much we love him.  I would have been terrified to even attempt a sport at his age--we started so much later way back then.  I don't want his confidence to be based on his performance.  I want it to be based on the genuinely amazing and unique kid he is.  Everyone strikes out from time to time.  Ya gotta just keep at it--swinging away at all those obstacles that come your way (I would have been happy to hit a foul ball at his age). 

Prayers for Max as he takes this all so hard and obsesses about it.  No sport is worth bringing him this far down, but with the bad comes the good and happy times as well--just wish he could be more light hearted about it and have those happy times more often.  If this is how hard he takes things at eight, I can't imagine how much fun the future of his athletic endeavors will be!  I hope to get a handle on it by then.  Because it SHOULD be fun.  I keep telling him to try to have a better attitude and that life is what you make it--but to Max, it's not worth it or good enough unless you 'make it' perfectly.

 

Hoping the month ahead is better as we have three more weekends of tournaments ahead--lots of games, long days--and hopefully lots of fun.  Griff can't wait to get out there!  He cheers his brother on from the stands (when he's not finding every mud and water whole he can possibly find).

 

I was never an athlete, so I am impressed with everything my baby does--but Mom's pride isn't enough anymore.  Sad.  They grow up way too fast...  About as fast as they swing...

The Rapture...

Six o'clock came and went.  I didn't hold my breath.  Jesus tells us in the Bible that we will not know the day or the hour of His return.  His words are good enough for me...

I did, however, in an 'exhausted, trying to catch my breath, feeling like I just couldn't make it one more step' kind of way during my run this afternoon wish for it (smile).  In the end, I just prayed that Jesus would get me home.  I needed water and a shady place to sit---fast.  Perhaps I pushed myself too far for too long.  As I always say, running is the perfect metaphor for life. 

In this case, getting back into the swing of running is no different.  My mind has been raring and ready to go.  It has missed those natural endorphins.  My body is not always so compliant, however.  After taking eight or so months "off", it's a bit of a jolt--but like they say, it's kind of like riding a bike (but a bit harder on the joints)--your body doesn't forget, and it's catching on.  Slowly...

I have missed running immensely and am finally beginning to feel like myself again.  It is so much a part of my "me-ness" and I've been without it for so long.  As a girlfriend of mine told me the week after I took up jogging and got the 'all clear' from the surgeon "you're just so much happier now".  True.  

Running makes me feel free, capable, connected, able to take on the world.  If I can make it through the most torturous of weather conditions, hills, allergies, asthma, I can do anything.  It's just me in competition with myself--and I am able to tackle all the stresses on my plate--one step at a time.  It is such a spiritual exercise for me too.  Being immersed in nature, the sun, sky, clouds, grass, flowers, trees, animals (and all other "natural" things :)) makes me feel closer to God.  I pray while I run--long prayers--before I turn on the tunes.  It's relatively the only truly quiet time I have to talk to Him.  This experience can not be replaced on a treadmill, however, which is one of the many reasons why I am not a big fan of winter...

So while on my run, the DJ was constantly commenting on the supposed 'rapture' that was said to happen today.  He just couldn't seem to get enough of the topic~so much so that I turned my Sansa back to my music recordings (although this seems to eat up batteries mercilessly).  I thanked God for each wild flower and butterfly that passed--the blue sky and sunshine (that became my biggest enemy on the way home), the creek, the gorgeous sweeping trees, the serene farm land--such peaceful scenery.  God created all this.  I don't know how, He just did.  And I certainly do not know when He's returning--so I will continue to live my life a day at a time and be the best person He created me to be.  That's all He expects of me. 

As an imperfect creature, I feel that there are things I will miss greatly about Earth--but I know that what He has in store for us is far more glorious than our present condition and even better than our very best of dreams.  Our job here on Earth isn't to figure out when His return will be, but to be ready when He comes.
  
So we just have to keep running--putting one foot in front of the other--one breath at a time~each day knowing we are closer to knowing God.  God bless, and take care, friends!

Our beloved bike path!

Back on the bike path!  As Marty's been gone lots, I hit it with the boys (or at 5 a.m.).  All the sites and the lack of sound...  Pure peace and reveling in God's most gorgeous creation!  I thank God daily that we live just a ten minute jaunt away from this relaxing spot that brings us closer to nature and spirituality (and snakes ;)).  Always deer, ducks, geese, all kinds of birds, wild flowers, weasels, frogs, snails and lots and lots of bugs.  How perfect for a pair of two adventurous boys and a momma who loves the great outdoors and sunshine!  Just gotta be careful to watch out for those die hard bicyclist who are willing to run a small child or animal over to get a good time.  Thank God for spring!!!

A work in progress...

My baby turned 3 and I turned 35.  We celebrated by taking a trip to Pella for 'Tulip Time' after my oldest's baseball game for our "real birthdays" and had a party for Griff yesterday with family and lots and lots of food.  Again, I am smacked in the face by how quickly time flies~~and I have to admit, I AM starting to feel much older as this 30's venue continues to play out...
Midlife crisis?  Perhaps.  I have been WANTING another baby desperately for the past few years (while everyone around us seems to be populating a small island) and I think my body has made up for the lack of the desired pregnancy by creating a food belly.  17 pairs of pants retired to the basement.  I was shocked to find that not a single pair of shorts or carpi's from last summer would even button.  Depressing.  Don't even get me started on my swimsuits.  Couldn't even get them much farther than my knees.  I blame the eight month hiatus from running--just starting to get back into it now--and the general dismissal of healthy foods from my diet.  I'm finding I just don't care anymore.  I really don't.  And now I'm paying for it, and over 20 pounds later in one year--I have to care...
Metabolism--apparently is slows down with age.  Went to get my driver's license renewed (with the full knowledge that the next 5 years will surely fly by as fast as the previous) and had to laugh when my previous weight was read to me (height and weight the same?).  I thought I was fat then.  I've always thought I was fat.  Nothing like not a single stitch of your clothing fitting you to pound (no pun intended) the point home--I really need to start caring. 
Maybe it's my depression.  That seems to be the root to most of my "issues".  Such irony, really, that someone who has such a wonderfully blessed life should struggle with something so annoying and ugly.  It's another "thing" I absolutely HATE about myself.  I have a great husband, the MOST amazing kids, a wonderful family, friends, home, a job, health--and yet it takes everything in my will power to climb out of bed in the morning (and a few bottles of prescribed pharmaceuticals).  Jogging is helping some.  Nothing like natural endorphins.  But I can't stand that I have to try so damn hard just to make it through a day.  I would, most days, rather not... and there is really just no rational reason for it.  I have never slept well.  Growing up, I had every reason not to.  Now, I'm just left with the nightmares (and the anti anxiety meds to numb them)--but then I worry about getting addicted to my medication, so I don't take it all the time.  Classic catch 22, eh?  Although, if anyone stops to think of the state of affairs of this great earth of ours for a mere five minutes, you might join me.  It's really not pretty...
So, I fight anxiety, worry, fear of that other proverbial shoe (in my case the steal toed, heavily weighted Doc Martin variety) to drop, and the general melase and melancholy that have seemed to surround my life for as long as I can remember--get up and get going for the day.  I hate leaving my family and the security of my home for anything.  If it was up to me, my boys and I would be together always.  Marty could join us too (smile). 
But 35.... yeah...  My "age" has never hit me before--and maybe it's because my body's not keeping up.  I feel like I'm falling behind, slowing down...
And my baby is 3...  again, never been so sad to see a year go.  3 is ever so much bigger than 2.  A baby no more.  Not even close.  Our pediatrician calls 3 "challenging".  I call it the start of being a boy and not a toddler and I don't like it.  My last baby.  And Max?  I'm going to have a nine year old soon!  Are you kidding me?  NINE!  Wow.  How the heck did that happen!?! 
Looking through photo albums (I'm a picture freak, so we have a lot~I know I'll have them to hold on to when my two little guys leave the nest) I'm always comforted and saddened at the same time.  We've had so much fun together.  So many great times.  I remember half of them (wink)--as life is just so busy.  I tell myself to live in the moment, to savor and enjoy--not worry about what's next--and then it's gone...
And here we are.  Just wanting to freeze time.  No more "growing up" for any of us.  And yes, I know there are more great times ahead.  I just wish we could slow down a bit and cut back on all those activities on our calendars--not a blank box in the bunch of days that make up our months.  But, the bills have to be paid and there are games to be played, lessons to learn, celebrations to share...  And I get frustrated at myself for tiring so easily.  Wishing I could get better at catching my breath between it all. 
So very thankful for the miracle of this life that God has blessed me with.  If you had asked me 20 or more years ago what was in store for me, I would never have imagined something this beautiful--truly--I know God exists for this reason alone. 
So I remain a work in progress--just as much as my kiddos.  And my heavenly Father isn't through with me yet.  It's not about a number on a scale or what I can and can not do.  It's about enjoying and being thankful for the breaths we are given (even when we're struggling to get them ;)).  And no one's perfect, and He certainly doesn't expect us to be.  One day at a time.  As I blink and they're gone, I want to teach my children gratitude and thankfulness.  But, they teach me more...  Max thanks God EVERY single night during our prayers for dying on the cross for us and forgiving us our sins so that we can all be together forever in heaven.  It never fails to tug at my heart and remind ME of all of God's great blessings--his sacrifice being the greatest.  The reality of that is just mind blowing.  Griff loves just about everything (but bedtime and pooping on the potty-smile), and his exuberance for life teaches me to find joy in the littlest of things.  Where would I be without my children?  I get out of bed because of them.  I can't fail them.  I won't fail them. 
And my husband, although I miss him more than I see him, I thank God for him.  He works SO hard to keep this family going.  He daily amazes me...
Although I've never felt a change or dreaded my birthday--or my child's--until this year, it has given me an awareness of thankfulness.  As my boys giggle in the bathtub (I'm sure the floor is completely covered in water and they are plastered in bubbles), my heart is happy.  Even if my body is too tired to do elated jumping jacks...