"Mother's love is peace.
It need not be acquired,
it need not be deserved."
Erich Fromm
Taking a moment with a cup of tea to just relax and meditate after the general stress and crazy of these past few weeks. This motherhood gig is one wild ride at times, and these past few months I have wanted to jump off the merry go round on more than one occasion. Gravel, sand, black top--didn't matter where I landed--I just wanted to stop...
Being sick never helps my body or mind, and this incessant sinus and ear infection has been a bit of a downer. There is no time for rest. As mommies, we push through. For me, this involved teaching three ten hour days of preschool on zero (and I mean zero) hours of sleep, picking up the boys, and going through the motions of motherhood in the evenings with my loves solo. The weeks were like this along with the weekends, and I would cry once the boys were down at my intolerance for any "misbehavior", my complete lack of patience for Max's issues and fears, and my inability to read books at bedtime (headache and vertigo make reading a nightmare) or do our nightly bedtime songs as we barely pushed through prayers. I was in pain, I was tired, I couldn't sleep, felt insanely inadequate, and I felt so alone. In short, a falling apart mess.
Several trips to the doctor later, along with several antibiotics and prednisone and a scheduled trip to the ENT for mommy (tubes?) this coming week, my oldest was also dealing with the battle that is his world. Max has struggled with anxiety and some OCD germ obsessions since kindergarten. At this point in his life, he was starting a new school ,we were moving, and his baby brother was born. Heck, I was stressed. For a kid who is not the best with change, this was quite a plateful of "new". We have managed to keep things "under control" through prayer, an awesome sound machine (that I actually purchased for myself when I was pregnant to relax as I couldn't take my anti anxiety medication), meditation, walks, lots of talks, music, breathing exercises, extra family time, and anything I could get my hands on that seemed to make Max's world a saner and safer place. While his OCD issues have subsided and are much less intense (except in the case of his brother, who LOVES to pick his nose and frequently forgets to wash his hands after going to the bathroom), his anxiety has sky rocketed. We've been hoping to ride it out as a bad spell. The bad spell is lasting a bit too long and affecting his sleep, his health, and his ever thinking and caring mind. He has a HUGE heart and internalizes a lot--which makes him a "freak" for boys his age (sad, because thoughtfulness and kindness CAN be boy attributes as well).
Because Max has dealt with this for the past five years, he is very aware of what he has and that many of the things he feels, thinks, hears, sees, are "irrational" (I use that world loosely because this world is just a giant mess of 'doesn't make sense' and 'irrational' to this momma)--but he feels them none-the-less. He has the language. He knows when he's having a panic attack that he's not going to really die, but it feels that way. He knows when he has horrendous stomach pains and aches that he's not sick, "that's just my anxiety". He knows he doesn't have to be perfect, but he's hell bent on trying regardless. Knowing doesn't always take away the feeling--and as a mommy who battles this disorder myself, knowing my son is in the same pain and prison I feel is just the biggest heart break. He manages to keep it "under control" during his school days, then "lets it all out" (my speak) at home. During a long conversation attempting to calm him down, he told me people would hate him at school if he acted the way he did at home (acted out his feelings), but he knows that I will love him anyway, so he's not afraid to express that intense emotion at home. Well this makes my heart happy to know that he understands he's got momma's unconditional love 100%, I (however selfish you may think this sounds) need a break from it and some help in dealing with it and deactivating it. I can't show him how draining and exhausting it is for me because he will feel so bad--and he often apologizes profusely that "I'm so stupid" (stupid meaning he knows he shouldn't feel the things he is feeling but does). And the heart ache continues as I know he doesn't want to be stuck in this cycle any more than I do. Where to go from here?
So we set up a few more appointments with our family doctor, to rule anything else out and get some help for Max beyond what this mommy can provide. I became very frustrated these past weeks as it became abundantly clear that it is far easier to medicate your child than it is to find a child psychologist or behavioral therapist that can give your child the tools he needs to battle this disorder. I was told to look up specialists online and fax the list to my doctor. Not very many names were covered under our insurance (in the category of "children" or "pediatrics") and they were all unknowns to me--unknown people that would, hopefully, listen to the inner workings of my child's mind and heart--and I felt like I was spinning a wheel and throwing a couple of darts with my eyes closed--blindly choosing wherever the dart would stick. And it made me angry.
I have a pretty solid foundation in psychology through my studies at Simpson and through work in a couple of psychiatric facilities. I know that these drugs are not created or made for children's growing minds and bodies. I have also seen the effects of what some of these drugs can do to these little ones later on in life--giving them issues they never had to begin with--and not necessarily enhancing their quality of life in any way. I am not saying that drugs are 'bad' in every situation, and we may have to revisit that conversation later--but right now, at this point, I would rather exhaust all other possible options for my child--and the fact that my doctor could prescribe an Rx in an instant for my child's anxiety disorder, but it takes weeks of research and phone calls and wading through insurance bureaucracy to find some other form of help for my son just thoroughly made me sick. I couldn't help but feel for the children of this country along with my own. I was overwhelmed and felt like more resources were most likely out there--I just wasn't aware of them--and I continued to search.
Finally, after the advice of a great friend (love you, Niki), I decided to reach out to a college peer of mine who's little ones I'd had in preschool, who also happens to be one of the most amazing pediatricians around (thoroughly phenomenal!). Not only did she give me a name, she gave me a phone number --all covered under the umbrella of our insurance coverage -- and a background on this therapist as well as many positive scenarios. I was able to look this therapist up online, see what her specialties were, and am prepared to make a call Monday to get the process started for getting some help for my son. I can breathe again. Such a burden has been lifted. I will have to make a few "cancellations" Monday as well, as after all the calls I had been making, our answering machine is rather filled with psychiatrists wanting to set up consults. I am so grateful to this very busy momma and doctor for taking the time to give me information I needed, recommendations, and love and support. I am so very, very thankful! From the bottom of my heart thankful!
So while being amped up on prendisone and in so much pain I wanted to jab a screw driver though my ears, and barely putting one foot in front of the dizzy other, God managed to work through it all for his glory. He loves my kids even more than I do, and through it all, I kept telling myself "it'll be okay... it's going to be all right... God has a plan, God has a plan..." And sure enough, he did...
I'm still exhausted, but I have peace. I know Max will get the help he needs that I can not give him. It will be a journey we will make together, hand in hand, heart to heart--and this kid is gonna change the world through everything he touches. Sticking up for friends who are being teased and bullied at school, looking out for others, and supporting and encouraging those he loves--he already does. I know that I am looking forward to this ENT appointment and have to chuckle at the fact that this wonderful surgeon who has been a part of our family since the boy's infancy and put tubes in both my babies ears may also be putting tubes in mine. I know that now that cross country season is over, I will have a husband that will be home more to help me balance and juggle this all. I don't even care if he's gone every weekend. Being gone most of the week and the weekend was just taking it's toll. I know that in all things, God will give me strength and that he loves me and my boys with the biggest love and that he will ALWAYS take care of us--regardless of how much I fall apart. I know that the greatest words to fall on this mommy's ears are, "I love you, mommy" by a ten year old who just wants to be loved and accepted by a world who defines being a boy to such a suffocatingly narrow degree. I will continue to fight to show him that his heart and mind are just too awesome to be accepted by mediocrity and that we fully are aware of just what an amazing kid he is.
Our family doctor told Max that this anxiety is something he will have to deal with his entire life (insert big sigh on Maxaroo's part) and we would find the tools to help him make it "manageable". And so here we are, trying our best to manage things--through the help of God, our health care community, our friends, and our families. And while I attempt to stave off the feelings of guilt as I often wonder if genetically, I somehow passed all of my "abnormal" quirks to my children, I will continue to move forward and strive to give them the best of myself one day at a time...
And through it all, these things I also know: I know that I love my children--my own as well as the ones I teach--and that I will always do everything I can for them. That is my purpose, and as long as I am able--I will do my best to love, protect, and cherish them for the treasures they are. I know that this life is a gift, and I want to appreciate and value mine to the fullest and teach my sons that they are precious, valued, and loved beyond measure--divine creations of God that deserve respect--and teach them to treat others the very same. With this comes worry and fear and anxiety, yes. We live in a bully of a world -- from our schools, to the internet, to our work places -- and standing up to it all can be exhausting. But it's worth it. It's always worth it. Because this world is NOT our home, and our treasures are laid up in heaven and the good Lord above has already conquered this mess of life. We have only to trust and know that wherever we are, what ever we do, and where ever we go, he is already there... Good or bad, he is already there... And, as Griffyn's favorite bedtime song goes, "Jesus loves me, this I know..." And that is really all we need to know. Thank you, Lord. Forever, thank you...
Much peace and love.
