As the old year comes to a close, I don't feel particularly inspired, just tired. Flat out exhausted from head to toe tired. This past few weeks of holiday festivities has been draining--emotionally and physically, and I'm just spent. Another family Christmas ended yesterday with a puking four year old on the way home from Iowa City in the van after 1 a.m. in the morning (the only respectable time children start to throw up, I've found) that left my husband and I up till four and five a.m. cleaning out the van, the car seat, and doing loads of stubborn laundry after getting our candy and cookie laden little guy cleaned up and put to bed (poor kid! our boys' tummies are just not used to that much junk!!!). Let's just say the three hours of respite we got after the two prior weeks of holiday joy we'd experienced was just not enough, and our Sunday plans were pretty much cancelled. Deflated balloons in need of air--or much needed vacations...
The holidays were a bit "off" this year. One of my sisters and brother in law were not able to make it home for Christmas this year. Just really didn't feel like Christmas without them, and I was missing them something awful. But I am very thankful, despite the sting of heart ache, for the bit of "ouch" and "yuck" this year. In the "offness" I was able and am so very thankful for what I was able to glean--the positive take away, if you will. I, as always, am so thankful for my boys--my two beautifully imperfect, wildy crazy, polar opposite, insanely amazing boys. But is also drew me closer to my husband--who has been driving me more crazy than close lately ;). We will always have our issues, as everyone does, but it gave me a level of appreciation for him that I was lacking. What ever the storm that is raging outside, peace resides within this family and THAT is what is important. I thank God for that lesson--again, thank you, Lord. And we know that Christmas is about that miracle baby in the manger that grew up to be God of all, King of Kings and Lord of Lords and I clung to that this year more than I ever have before. It also gave me pause to search and cling to something else, something I value so immensely and hold so dear... His amazing grace, mercy, and much needed, ever so necessary peace...
And this was my verse today. "Submit to God and be at peace with him." Job 22:21 "Peace is very popular during the holidays, but as Christians, we can enjoy peace throughout the year. If we let God in and give Him total control of our lives, we are guaranteed peace. Jesus wasn't just called the 'Prince of Peace,' He IS the Prince of Peace. Turn to Him today. Give peace priority in your life." Amen, amen, and amen...
So I have but one New Year's resolution this year, friends. Peace. No matter what chaos is going on out there (and this year has been full of it and we've all seen so much of it and perhaps experienced enough of our own), in this home, in this heart, there will be peace. Because God has promised us He CAN. He can and He will. Thank God almighty He WILL!!!
I will let things slide, yes, but this year I will also demand the respect that my kids, myself and my family deserves and will not be a part of the mess. It is a choice, thank God, it really is a choice. All of these years I have been telling myself it is not--but it is okay to safe guard my soul, to teach my boys that is really is okay to NOT let people treat you this way, that your well being comes first, and that mommy will always put that first, fight for that, stand up for that, and people that don't--well, they really don't have a place, or the privilege of being an integral part of your life--and that, that is very much THEIR choice, isn't it?
What I find is hitting me so hard these past couple of days is the lessons that I teach and have taught my preschool children these past twelve years, the lessons I so carefully and thoughtfully teach my own children, are so often blatantly disregarded by adults. Grown ups are really the more selfish set. Our choices do have consequences. My four and five year olds understand this. My boys understand this. And yet most adults seem to think they can say and do what ever they want to people and it's just supposed to be overlooked as "oh, that's just the way she is and always has been." Doesn't work for this mommy anymore. Some of them even think it's "cute" or "cool" or "funny". Wow, adulthood has never looked so ugly. Or what about the golden rule? Pretty simple to remember. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Kindness matters. It ALWAYS matters.
And in all of this, I am (here comes yet another positive take away) blown away with thankfulness and love for our friends--we are blessed with such a tight knit group of friends who are family to me--and what the word "family" means to me if I could chose it for myself. I have come to appreciate and love them even more (if that's possible) and know that they give me a true place to call home and it is with these people I can "let my hair down", be my complete self, and find that acceptance--that 'all of me' acceptance I can't find anywhere else. Thank you God for putting these people in my life, choosing these people for me, for our family, and giving this heart a place to call home. This soul is a wandering nomad at times, and these people keep me grounded, near and far, they keep me grounded and keep me reminded that I am loved and good enough--that I don't need to prove myself to anyone--just breathe, Ang, you are good enough, just as you are...
He will give us peace and I will love these boys so much and we will pray so much and give so much to each other that they will never doubt, well I guess we are all human and at times we will doubt--but then we will come right back to His loving arms--His peace. If they have Him, they have it all. They won't doubt themselves, they won't be pushed around--they will have the confidence they need to trust their feelings, their thoughts, their hearts--and they will need that. Yes, dear Lord, I know how much they will need that.
And I wish the same for you all--peace. Void of circumstance, may we hold onto it. Settle in it. Let the world rush around us as we rest in it. And yes, we may even hurt in it, but we will know that God's got that covered too and it will pass--maybe not right away--but it will pass.
And as one of the role play exercises I practice with Max goes for anxiety, "What is the worst thing that could happen?" we will answer with "peace" because God has the worst covered. He's already there, in the thick of the worst and in the best of the best, he is already there, showering us with peace--because peace is not something that depends on the kind of day, week, month or year we are having--it depends on what is going on in our minds, our hearts and our souls--and this momma? Well, she's giving that all to God--and giving her family up to Him as well. It's going to be a great New Year--despite what ever may come our way--because we are guaranteed God's peace. Peace does not mean it will be easy, but it guarantees that God will give us His assurance, His calm in the storm, and faith will take care of the rest...
Many blessings and Happy New Year to you all.
Much love...
