The sun is shining and it's a beautiful, albeit cold, day. I sit down to write as the house is quiet and still, and the minute my coffee is poured, I'm comfy and ready to go, the boys become a frenzy of noise and activity. Isn't that the way it always goes? Marty is out of bed, at least, to man the new game upstairs the boys have made up together. He had a late night watching the game with a few friends while the boys and I cuddled up at home and watched "Lady and the Framp", as Griffyn calls it. Something always so heartwarming about that movie.
Healing up slow, but healing up. For people who don't have asthma, I know it's hard to understand--but any type of illness that is respiratory just nails your lungs--and the paradox of being on prednisone is that is makes you susceptible to picking up everything else. But I am so happy to be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and in all of this, God is really forcing me to "be still". Really. My body is not giving me a choice--and my doctor is threatening me with this word called "hospital" and some other rather unconventional treatments. So I am letting go a bit, doing what I can, and just enjoying my boys, and actually letting people take care of me. Oddly, that has been really, really, really hard for me to do! The boys have been enjoying it. My friend Nicole makes the best soup and we get another batch tomorrow (spoiled much?), and Grandma brought dinner and lots and lots of cookies over (gone), and Daddy has been running out for yummy pizza, and snuggle time with mommy is at it's all time highest (just no kisses on the lips--which is a bummer), so they are fairing well. Just had to miss Max's basketball tournament this weekend, which I hated.
Being ill for this long has also given me some time to sit and think. I don't get to do that enough. Why is it so hard for me to accept help, to accept joy, to accept all this love? It's like I have this shell around my heart that just needs to be cracked open--I literally picture taking a hammer to it and shattering it. Why, why, why??? At times I know that I feel unworthy, yes, or that needing help is a weakness of some sort. That I should be able to do this all by myself. And I know that's a "toughness" I've built to cope--and it's a darn hard wall to knock down. But there has to be more... This is old news, sitting on a couch for years, therapy news, and I'm tired of it, tired of all the stress in my life, the pain, the struggle... and I need some release, I need it to get better, I can not--quite simply--do this anymore... At the advice of my doctor, it's time to clean house--just like we do our closets, our basements, as we de-clutter anything in our lives--it's time to clean out the clutter and "toxins" that take up space and squeeze out our joy. I feel like my soul is suffocating along with these lungs.
So I asked myself one question. What is of greatest value and importance to me in my life? What matters the most? Easy and simple stuff. God, my family, and my friends. And what about those relationships is so vital and important to me? One word. AUTHENTICITY. They are true, honest, and real. And those relationships in my life that cause such pain, that put me on the defensive, that deplete my energy and stab at my soul? They are completely lacking of this. Those people manipulate, lie, have their own agenda, and have no respect for me. They do not give me their true selves, nor do they respect or accept my true self. I have no time for relationships like this anymore. Life is too short. If you can not have the respect to give me who you are or give me the respect to love me for who I am, we will not have a relationship. Because it simply is not possible. And it really is so simply to be who we are--it really is--so simple a choice to make. The time it takes to manifest lies, to destroy and create drama, scenarios to manipulate and get your way, the phone calls, the gossip, the strings to pull to advocate a selfish agenda--time better spent in selfless love, getting to know and appreciate the people around you. I'm over it. I can be civil, I can be kind and considerate to you, but I can not be your friend. But in reality, that really was not the relationship that existed to begin with. Be mad, pout, and stir up the waves--I'm not afraid of the confrontation either. After this many years, wow, I can truly say I do not care if you are mad at me. Those are your feelings and your choices to make. And these, these are mine.
As the boys get louder and louder, I struggle to find the clarity of words I would like to convey to you, friends (I write my best blogs in my sleep :)), but ran across this gem I had to share from Linda Dillow, "We must live as women who KNOW the meaning and purpose of life. As Goethe, the German philosopher put it, 'Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.' If we haven't chosen what we are living for, we're living life by default, acting out the scripts handed to us by family, other people's agendas, and the pressure of circumstance. This is not living as a woman who knows the meaning and purpose of life. But it's never too late to change."
I could blame my past, I could blame going from one crazy past into another crazy situation and never having the chance to sort out who I was and being tossed about between two seas of crap--or I can move on, learn, and take a giant leap forward and say ENOUGH already. There comes a point when you have to stop being so afraid of rocking the boat that no one else seems to be willing to stand up and say "hey, there's giant holes in this thing everywhere and we're all sinking" and jump out and dare to live your best life--for you, for your kids, for your family--and KNOW that God's got your back. You don't need anything more than that. Really. Not even your mate. You can't sit around and wait for the "perfect conditions" in your mind. God works through the most imperfect conditions! Amen!
I've always had God with me, yes, but I haven't always felt empowered by choice. Now I am. I know that God's got my back. He's going to be fighting this battle for me and all I need to do it be still. Stand my ground, and be still. No, this is my family, no, you don't know what is best for my children, and yes, you can cry and make up what ever it is you want to about me (God knows me and that's all that matters--my credibility is with him--I really don't care what anyone--let me clarify--ANYONE--thinks of me--so lie, lie, twist, twist away)--hey, it's nothing new and has been going on for years--that's the funny part--nothing will change--it'll still be the same crap--it'll just be better choices for me and for my family. And I couldn't be more excited!!! It won't be easy, I know. There will be riffs--but there always have been, but the freedom will be sweet. Others will make their choices too, and those are their own, and I am not afraid of those either. We all have the ability to make choices--I'm just learning that--as I've just been bouncing off and healing from everyone else's. It is my time to stand, to move forward in strength and love with this family--to make us an even bigger powerhouse of faith and Godliness than we already are! Because the good Lord above is who guides this home, no one else. I am so ready!
And I won't be bullied anymore. By anyone. Because that is exactly what it is. And I have found the people that come at you with the biggest smiles, the biggest productions/introductions "how are yous" (and know the very least about you, but pretend they know it all in social situations), and widest of eyes often have the ugliest of hearts--and Jesus says over and over in the Bible that you shall know them by their love. Love is authentic--and I can't wait to begin and begin again each and every day to give and be the authentic person that God made me to be--and the simplicity and joy that that will forever bring--and to finally break this shell over a heart that has been covered by the cage of a lack of choice for far too long.
I thank God that he never ever gives up on us, and that no matter what our age, life can truly begin again. And I am so excited for the leaps and bounds this family can take together in the freedom of his love, grace, and mercy--and for those amazing souls that he has put in our lives that have been there for us in prayer and strength and authentic love all this time. We praise God for all of you too!!!
The rules of this new game have changed upstairs and Griffyn and Max seem to have come to an impass. This really seemed much more eloquent in the quiet phases of sunshine streaming through the window with coffee this morning, but I'm hoping my ramblings give you some sense of encouragement to shed the shackles of who others expect us to be. Breaking free and soaking in the sun this morning to be whom ever this being God created Angie to be is--and ready to embrace that--even accepting all the mess that is. Broken vessels. God uses them :). "For with God, nothing shall be impossible." Luke 1:37
Love to you all. Authentic, rich and simple love!
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