"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.'
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that
Christ's power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
Sounds like I've got a lot of boasting to do ;). Been a ‘hit by a sledge hammer’ kind of
week. We’ve all had those, right? So frustrating when you work so hard, give so
much of yourself, all of it, even when you’re tired, sick, and just plain can’t
or shouldn’t—and someone tells you—it’s not enough. Not only is it not good enough, but you’re
going to be punished for it. Just doesn’t make sense, does it?
But our God’s not like that. In fact, his power is made perfect in our weakness. POWER out of weakness. He is such an amazing God!!! I cried when I read
this verse this morning. I don’t have to
be so strong. It’s okay for me to be
sick, to have asthma, to get ill and have a harder time getting over it because of it and to accept that about myself. It is okay. This is who I am.
I push through it and get mad at myself and
listen to the garbage that somehow, I’m less of a person or that I’m not taking
care of myself or taking enough vitamins or eating organically enough or
drinking too much milk that is pasteurized incorrectly (I could go on and on here). The ironic part to all this "advice" is that I am a very health conscience person. I take a handful of vitamins every morning and evening as prescribed by my doc. I work out daily. I eat conscientiously. I feed my soul as well as my body. I live mindfully. I just happen to have asthma and my lungs are different than yours. They are more susceptible to picking up certain germs and when they do, my breathing is affected. Think about how tired you would be if every breath you took was deliberate, conscious. It's exhausting. Now add fighting off an infection on top of that.
My vocation is also frustrating. And I have been doing so well in pushing through all this--or so I thought. I have been going to work sick constantly. I have been fighting through it--bringing a plethora of OTC meds to get through my ten hour days with the kids. Working my inhaler like a champ! :) I worked through an entire week fighting a 103 degree fever (I had this para influenza junk)--sweating through a few pairs of pj's every night (TMI? ;)). Didn't call in a single day that week. I had my wisdom teeth taken out over the weekend and came back to work Monday--horrible pain and miserable, but did it. I knew I was needed. I had been having horrible migraines, ear pain and dizziness and vision issues and was referred to an ENT to make sure I didn't have a tumor. Scary. An MRI said no tumor (thank God!!!), Mal de Debarquement syndrome--and had to mess around with some med doses--lost 15 pounds from the nausea--and guess what?--not a day missed. And this is a job where we are on our feet for the greater portion of our ten our day--physical, hands on, quick on your feet and emotionally draining as well. Down time? What's that? I was spent by the weekends and wasn't "there" and a ghost of myself for my own family, but made it through my work weeks. I didn't like it, but I didn't feel like I had much of a choice.
I had to call in three times in a six month period--each of those three times I went to the doctor for severe respiratory issues--usually involving a shot of rocephin in office along with a few rounds of levaquin to clear up the infection because I had pushed through and waited so long to go in. One of those days (they are called "occurrences") I tried to go into work, made it three hours, was on the floor because I cold barely breathe and had to go home. Had to wait (just sat in my car) awhile before I was able to drive. It was scary. I always try. Always try.
The fourth occurrence was a snow day in January where I was physically unable to get to work. We live on the edge of a small town and they don't get to plowing our neighborhood streets all that quickly. I could not get out of my neighborhood, let alone, out of town until the plow came after 3 p.m. that afternoon. Unless I strapped snowshoes on my feet and walked to work, it was impossible for me to get there. I do not have a four wheel drive vehicle. I explained this all to my employer when I called her that morning. When I called once the plows had gone through after 3 p.m. and found out I wasn't needed as hardly any kids showed up, I was relieved. All that stress of trying to figure out how I was going to get there and what if I got stuck (I had slid and ramped into a neighbors yard a few days before on the way home from work in the blizzard and lost a hubcap) or got in an accident--and low and behold--it was counted as an occurrence. I would have been there if I could have been. It was not even a choice for me that day. Mother Nature said no. I would have loved a ride in if anyone was willing :).
It was just such a shock to me to get called into the office this week for this. It's one thing if you're calling in for every hang nail, calling in because you're tired or hung over or just in a bad mood--but I'm there no matter what--unless I'm on the floor, unable to move, and my husband has to take a personal day and drive me to the doctor's office. It's very frustrating. And I don't know how to change it or foresee it getting better. I'm giving my all. I can't do any better than this. I will always have asthma. It's not going to go away--and clearly I HAVE to keep pushing myself and can not call in when I am ill to stave off these infections from getting to the severe point that they do. What is my recourse? And what if my kids get sick and my husband can't stay home with them? He took care of that all year--and he's a teacher!
My doctor is just as frustrated with it all as I am. Part of the issue is also that kids are allowed to stay when they are ill in some cases. I pick it up with a compromised immune system already in place and the cycle just perpetuates. Or kids are sick the day before, and most schools or daycares have a 24 hour policy, but ours does not--so they are still contagious. Again, people who have weak lungs pick up the respiratory component and we get nailed again. Now do you understand my OCD obsession with germs? ;) We are getting together to get papers for FMLA signed. We're looking into cauterization for my sinuses. I am so thankful to have a doctor who is so helpful and takes such great care of me--even when I don't listen to her and stay home from work like I should ;). I think she understands now why I don't.
The building I work in is also an issue. It is not kept very clean. There is mold as well--which is one of my biggest allergies which can also set off my asthma. We have wet ceilings, which is conducive to growing mold. Dust, lots of dust--and just general house keeping issues that are not maintained on a daily basis. Which can lead to germ issues.
So many of the staff struggle with health issues--many of us with allergies and asthma. Moral is so low. So many of us give so much--and so little is appreciated--or not respected. I hope and pray it gets better for all of us. In the mean time, I need to get healthy and do what is best for me--because clearly--what I was doing and giving for my job, was not appreciated or even recognized in the least. So, now it's my time to heal and do some soul searching. I love my actual job and the people I work with and the company I work for. I just keep hitting my head on the ceiling.
But grace, God's grace, showing grace, keeping grace, holding on to grace, realizing that He will make His power perfect in my weakness--if I only step back and let him--is helping me breathe today. I will take a step back, let go, listen to my doc, let her get the FMLA papers in progress, take the break I need to recover, stop trying to be superwoman, and embrace my weakness. God, may your power be made perfect in them.
Your grace is sufficient for me.
