Just really struggling today. Melancholy doesn't begin to describe it. Can't seem to get it together for the life of me. Lots of trying and sad things going on with so many people I love and it is breaking my heart. Feeling helpless. Spending lots of time on my knees in prayer. Sending out too many sympathy cards, in the midst of wedding and baby congrats, and it is all just so surreal. Life goes on--the sun sets and rises again as we are all in the throws of life...
Celebrated my cousin, Maggie's, wedding this past weekend after finding out some very dear friends of ours are separating after ten or so years of marriage. By all outward appearances, they were a perfect couple--and I envied there casual, laid back, and seemingly effortless marriage. I feel like someone has died. There is no other way to explain it.
Two very special women lost their mothers on the same day this past week as well. Both women were their mother's primary care givers. Another co-worker lost her baby grandson. Devastating to say the least.
Another girl friend of mine has been battling a painful custody trail/case since this past October. The court systems make no sense to me, and I have to admit that I have lost some faith in our judicial system. She is fighting for what is best for her child. What is best for him is his mommy. A dad with drug issues and in-laws that admit to drug use are around this child. What in heaven's name is there to 'look over' in this custody hearing? I'm at a loss. She is the strongest, hardest fighting, most giving woman I know. I pray that God will bless her beyond her wildest dreams as these past months have been a never ending night mare for her.
Searching to find that proverbial silver lining. Pray, pray, pray... Counting my own blessings, and the 'positive' in all of these miserable circumstances is one: I have learned to be thankful and to appreciate what God has given me so much more.
This all began with me and my 'problems' affecting my days and nights--no sleep, worry, anxiety--over a marriage I felt was lacking so much (mostly from me) and after years of feeling depleted and never being able to find "just us" time together and trying so hard to make it better, I was asking myself the question of 'what now'? Then WHAM! The lives of so many of my friends began to spiral downhill and I began to realize that my 'problems' were really quite insignificant.
So I will continue to pray, to be in the word for my sanity's sake, and cry. That I can not help. I am so tired and just can not motivate myself to do more than light a candle and make a cup of tea. That usually boosts my mood somewhat. At a loss. Being a very proactive, 'fix-it' kind of person, I want to make it all better and realize, painfully, that I can not. What I CAN do is pray incessantly, listen, bake cookies and bread, send cards, and say 'I love you.' That's all I've got right now.
Praying for some sunshine in all this darkness for all my girls and their families right now. A little glimmer of hope. A hint of good things to come...
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