The Confessions Of An On-line Shopaholic...

    
What a week!  From surgery, to a strep and barf epidemic at work, to mice in the car...  I'm ready to put my feet up and tune in to Bravo.  This momma is wiped out!
The car has been scrubbed, washed and vacuumed out (and every little noise made me jump--and thanks to Lisa for the tip about the dryer sheets too), Clorox bleached, car seat washed, all blankets washed, and then everything sprayed down again one more time for good measure.  Gold Canyon auto refresher hanging to tone down the smell of bleach a little.  Autumn Walk infused with Clorox.  Maybe I'm on to something (smile)...
In pain as I may have not "taken it easy" on the leg this week of healing, but what mom seriously has the leisure and luxury to do that?  My family is home.  Just waiting on Tim, Jenna, and Molly.  Max has a basketball game, then off to Norwalk for pizza and goodies and Harold and Erin time!!! (and gma, gpa, and Aunt Jen too, of course).  I'm finding myself in serious need of a second wind.  Laundry all completed and house vacuumed.  Have to thank my husband for the vacuuming.  The darn leg wouldn't cooperate with that one.  There is SOME pain you just have to listen to (smile).
Wrapped some gifts and got them under the tree for the three boys.  Waiting for a few more to arrive.  I have come to the conclusion, after always having a sneaking suspicion, that I have a SERIOUS online shopping problem when it comes to my family and home.  And all the online deals and super sales lately have NOT been helping this addiction (damn you, Kohl's!!!).  It's not a super, fabulous, great deal if you don't need it in the first place, right? 
I knew it had gotten really bad when a few gifts I'd ordered for the boys arrived on my doorstep and I'd completely forgotten I had even ordered them (I blame Totsy's slow service for that one).  It has to stop.  It really must.  My credit card bill is atrocious.  I will publicly admit that to you all (I know, hard to believe on a teacher's salary that I just can't pay cash for everything!).  And the sad part is, I gave my credit card to my husband to deter my spending--but after you've used it so frequently online you have all the necessary numbers memorized.  I need help.  It's just way too easy. 
I am making a solemn vow to myself, friends, and family to stop.  Now.  Just quit.  It has gotten so bad that I tell myself it just doesn't matter anymore.  But it does.  And it just keeps getting worse.  It's kind of like when I try to go on a diet--and just gain more weight.  It's sinful as  it's gluttony, it's greed...  My kids need more toys, clothes, movies, and shoes like they need more Halloween candy.  Although I adore their smiles and hugs of appreciation at said gifts, I know that I can gain those loves from them without the debt.
I tell myself, "It's only money".  I tell myself, "The government is in serious debt, why should I be any different?".  I try to Freud it, as I do most things, by telling myself it's just because I had nothing as a kid.  I started babysitting full time in the summers at the tender age of sixth grade (Alex and Chris Newman--where are those sweet little boys now?), worked in a factory binder in 7th (which I'm wondering if that was even legal), water billing in Lakewood, the cafe in Norwalk's old Plaza and that was all before I hit my senior year of high school.  I worked my butt off, and it was for shampoo, deodorant, clothes, all the rest of my toiletries--stuff I needed--because that's what you do in a struggling family of seven.  Luxuries weren't on the menu.  Cool clothes and extra's were something I borrowed from my friends (thank you, Summer!).
So, I like to splurge.  I like to be able to get my children all the fun stuff (and yes, myself included).  I feel like I've earned it, dammit!  I've worked so hard my entire life, and I'm tired of everyone else getting all the good stuff.  I sound like a little brat throwing a temper tantrum, don't I? 
But, that's how I rationalize it.  My kids are good people, I'm good people, my friends and family are good people, and gosh darn it, we deserve it.  And so I rationalize the idea that things buy happiness.  And I sit having a panic attack and being thrown into a chasm of depression every time I get my credit card bill~shaking as I open it (I wish I was kidding).  The never ending pit that I vow to dig myself out of.  It will happen.  It has to happen.  I owe it to my family and myself.  I owe it, especially, to my husband who works so hard to make this blessed life happen for us!
I also find that the more my life spins out of the control, the more I "need" to buy things to feel better.  Stress induces shopping.  But then my shopping induces a panic attack as I fume at my weakness and lack of self control and I become even more stressed.  It's a vicious cycle--and one I need to get out of fast!!!  My children need a college education more than a personalized, monogrammed, matching pair of Sponge Bob pajamas and slippers!  Wow, I just typed that 'out loud'. 
So, this is my plea to all of you.  Hold me accountable, keep me motivated, and any tips or suggestions to make this easier would be most helpful.  This is the worst time of year to make this commitment, along with the diet I've vowed to stick to, but it has to be done.  It is breaking my spirit, truly.  Marty has instructed my children to tell me "no" when I ask them a question about something I think they'll want and Max has been very good about this (although I can see disappointment in his eyes).  But maybe that's disappointment in me, not the dismissed gadget or toy.  Disappointment that his momma can't practice what she preaches--that material things don't matter or renew a person's soul...
Baby steps.  And although the pit seems far too vast, I must start digging.  I'm being honest with myself.  I'm being honest with my kids and my husband.  I really don't like the person I see in the mirror, or the sinking feeling I get in my stomach when I get online "just to look".  It truly is a drug of sorts. 
What surprises me the most in all of this, is that I am a very "in control" person.  I do not let myself explore that other side (hence my aversion to the prescribed pain pills for my last two leg surgeries--I'd rather feel the pain than that out of  my body feeling--it makes me much too uncomfortable), but when it comes to buying things, I can't say no. 
Until today...  Target, Victoria's Secret, Amazon, Piperlime, Zappos, Kohl's, Athleta, Totsy, Sephora--be gone with you!  You will tempt be no more!