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| My mother, me, and my sisters |
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| My amazing husband, brother in law, my boys and step dad |
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| My brother and his wife (and sister on each side) |
This will not be eloquent. This will be choppy and random. This is how everything I sit down to write about my family is (and why my non-fiction writing class in college was so torturous)... But, type I will as real is all I know how to be...
As anyone who knows me knows, I love my family with all my being. My husband, my boys, my mother, sisters and brother complete my soul and fulfill my life in a way that makes breathing and living, well, possible (and very joyful). Anyone who is in touch with me on a regular basis also knows that I was able to spend a wonderful week with my entire family (all those that hail from Minnesota, Wisconsin, and New York) and I was rejuvenated mentally, physically, and spiritually. It was a really amazing experience to sit back and watch all of us--together--and feel the immense overflow of blessing that it truly is. To feel it reverberate to the very core of my soul. I covet this time and treasure it deeply. Though departure was very sad for all of us (Max and Griffyn still miss everyone terribly), I also felt revived and validated. It hasn't always been this way...
It's been a long time coming. Lots of hard work, reconstruction, and lots and lots of faith. We've always loved each other immensely, but we haven't always been safe. Now we are. And what a difference that has made. And even when safety no longer became an issue, trust was. How do you rebuild after someone has so devastatingly raped everything from you that you thought was you; and ultimately~~who you felt you could have been? How do you trust "the others", that although they went through the same abuse, they will not hurt you again?
It's so much faith, my friends. Faith, time, and understanding. An understanding that the past is very much the past, the present is much better, and the future is even brighter. The faith that everyone is doing their absolute best to be the people God intended them to be; in His light and likeness and not under the dark dictatorship of someone who was supposed to love, protect, and guide you, and instead told you that you were a worthless piece of nothing resulting from sin. Imagine the freedom of escaping that tyranny--and then the chaos of finding yourself and your true place in the world and God's plan, by his mercy, for you. "Rewiring" your entire thinking process about yourself and the world around you...
My mom divorced my biological father during the birth of my first son about nine years ago. It was very difficult for me to have my mom ask me for help as I had fought and fought this man from childhood to adulthood very much on my own. I put my trust in my heavenly Father that it was the right thing to do, and with a colicky three month old baby in tow, I did everything I could to "save" my mom. My siblings did the same. Then it was time to work together to save our family...
Like I said, the rebuild has been slow. So much hurt and pain to wade through. So many things kept silent. But underneath it all, we were survivors together and had held on together. And no one knew what we had been through but us. It's okay to talk about it all, cry it out, scream it out--even if it doesn't make sense. Because that is what families do. You love each other unconditionally. We all had to relearn this. And we all wanted it badly enough to do so. We created a place where it was okay to be just who we were--scars and all. This is my heaven on earth...
Where I came from is nothing I am ashamed of. It's a major part of who I am. I've learned to glean the positive--it has made me a fighter, made me strong, and made me appreciate everything I have had to fight for. Each and every day is a blessing. However, there were many years where I hated people asking me the question, "and are you going to see your folks for such and such a holiday?" "how's your dad?" and questions and accusations and more questions (and don't even get me started on our wedding...). I was just trying to, quite literally, survive. Keep my sanity and fight for my soul. How do you put out an answer like that casually? And how do you not feel like a bad person for trying to avoid such a sullen and private explanation by saying, "oh, I'm just not really all that close to my family." It has taught me not to judge others. You never know what people have been through or are going through. There's way too much judgement going on in this world.
I've learned so much about myself and have faith that everything happens for a reason. I am not the person I was ten years ago, or five years ago, for that matter. I have learned that I AM worth something. I am a child of God and there is no one person that merits my value on this earth. I do NOT have to please people all the time to have a sense of self worth. As easy as this sounds, this one has been a long time coming. I am still learning it to this day, and my family's visit this past week was perfect timing for a typical situation that has been a reoccurring "thorn in my flesh" for me.
I can not stand gossip. Especially in the guise of "concern". A person who talks behind your back to others and create scenarios that are completely untrue--"stretched truths, altered truths, embellished truths"--all still lies. If you have something to say, say it to my face, and when I call you on it, don't have the audacity to claim concern--if you were truly concerned you would talk to me, honestly, openly, like an adult with respect for another adult. I will not except this kind of talk against other people either. I will tell you, point blank, I don't want to hear it or have anything to do with it. How is it "helping" anyone? It doesn't. It is purely self seeking, and really, has nothing to do with me--just the other person's desire for attention...
In essence, my background has taught me that HONESTY and TRUTH and RESPECT are the basic building blocks of any relationship and should be present in ALL of our relationships. If they are not, walk away. And if you have no choice but to deal with these kind of people, let their lies and manipulation games just run off like water. God WILL give you the strength and mental fortitude to do so...
This past week, my family was able to show me that God sees my heart, they see my heart, and that people who truly know and love me know who I am. Does the opinion of strangers and those who really don't care about me who are being fed garbage really matter? In the end, all truth will be shown. I am responsible for me and being the very best person God created me to be. That is all--and that is enough. Before, I would have let it devastate me. Isn't it funny that the people that seem to know you the least and show the least respect for you, are the ones that have the most advice on how you should go about living your life; the most judgement and the most twisted version of the "truth" (as they call it)? I thank my mom, sisters, brother, and step dad for not letting me slip back into old patterns and just to let this negativity all go. I didn't have this support structure before. I am more than grateful to have it now. I credit my husband for this as well. He has been through everything with me and has always stood up for me and stood by my side.
We've been through hell and back. We've made it to a very good place. I am so proud of us. No, we're not perfect, No we never will look perfect and I'm sure there will always be someone out there judging us, but I really don't care. I don't. There is SO much freedom in that. We are a motley crew of mixed baggage, and to me, we look absolutely beautiful!
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
This verse sums it up for me. I did not have a "Leave It To Beaver" family. The past was dark. The important part is that it is over (although the nightmares still come and go for us) and we are all moving on to be the people we wanted to be to and with each other and were not allowed to be. We are the family we always wanted (smile). Words can not express my gratefulness to God for that. I love you all, Erin, Tim, Jennifer, Molly, Mom, Homer, and Marty--we are the Super 8 and although "bad things happen, you can still live...". Praise God! His love endures forever!
I havne't always been a gossip free girl. There was a time in my life when I would listen and feed into it because I wanted to be loved and accepted so badly by this person. It took a very hard life lesson to teach me that even if you are just "listening" you are condoning and enabling the person doing it. And you better believe that if someone is flapping their gums that much about someone else, they are not sparing you. Honesty is the best policy, in all areas of life, and although this lesson was very painful, it was something God mercifully taught me--an ugly side to see of myself, that's for sure. When a person loves you, they will love you for who you are -- even if you disagree with them (even if that disagreement is their opinion of someone else). If you have to join in on gossip or tear someone else down to feel like you are part of a relationship with someone, it is not healthy, it is not of God, and it is not love. For some of us just trying to find where we fit in and yearning for acceptance, that isn't so obvious and takes a long time to learn. I'm so thankful for God's grace and that he has taken the time to teach me so much--although his pruning can be painful. We need to see the ugly in ourselves to know what good we can be and give to the people around us. And, we need to be strong enough to be who we are in Him, even if it means alienating ourselves from someone. Counting all the rough roads as blessings!
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