Someday soon...

It has been a week!  Or has it?  What day is it? 

 

I simply can not wrap my mind around the fact that today is Saturday.  I remember getting up at the crack of dawn on Monday after a busy weekend and going to work.  I remember voting Tuesday.  I remember starting to feel like crap that afternoon. 

The puking began and it went down hill from there.  Chalked it up to the flu and had to call my director to let her know I wasn't going to be able to make it in to work the next day.  I HATE having to do that!  I can work through most anything--but puking (while not being able to run to a bathroom when ever I need to) and running a high fever are deal breakers--just can't do it with my job and a room full of 24 kids. 

The fever raged on, next came a horrific sore throat, sweating through my clothes at least three times a day, headache (which is nothing new to me), shakes, and still puking.  What kind of flu was this?  Another day of missed work.  I was in and out of sleep--not really sleeping because I was in so much pain (and because of all of the construction in our backyard--and right outside our bedroom window)--and kind of dreaming, but the "dreams" were so real--so I thought I had actually talked to my director to excuse myself for Thursday, but wasn't sure I had--and was very glad I called Thursday morning to find that I hadn't--goodness--I wanted off this horrendous ride!!!!!!!  Bawling mess of heated tears.

By Friday, my mom convinced me I needed to go to the doctor.  I just could not fathom that I had yet another bacterial infection!!!  I had been on so many heavy duty antibiotics the past few months for ear and sinus infections and had been to the doctor so many times--I was honestly embarrassed to call yet again.  I wanted to ride this out and let my body fight if off on it's own--but after five days of hell, I surrendered.  I was losing the battle.  I was beyond frustrated.  I couldn't do a damn thing to help my family and had essentially missed a full week of work.  No where near better--and here we were at Friday.  Defeated and depressed (and a very stressed out husband).  Norwalk Family Physicians, here I come--my second home... (they are amazing, by the way--never make me feel like a bother--no matter how many times I have to come in ;))

The drive in to Norwalk to see the doctor yesterday, with my four year old, was the scariest.  I felt like I was in my improv class in high school as I got into my car-- the scene is 'you're expected to do something you know you shouldn't be doing or can't do'-"pretend you are a superhero... go!" Over a median--briefly, ran into the curb, miscalculated an exit--and God above had his angels all around me.  Griff thought it was fun. Should not have been driving--but what was I supposed to do?  Marty wanted me to wait till he could take me--but doctors only have so many appointments available and since I was running a 103 temp while on 600 mg of ibuprofen every five hours, I thought I should probably get myself in.  My none working neighbors were busy with other plans and I had to go.  Simple as that.  Got in, passed out, and the verdict was acute strep. 

Still feel like merd, pardon the French, but hoping the penicillin (three times a day) will kick in soon.  Throat still insanely sore, and still taking 3 ibuprofen for pain every five hours so I can swallow and running a mild fever (down to 101--yay!!! :)), but it's only been a day on meds after a week of having this crap, so hoping by tomorrow I will start feeling like a human being again (I'll even take close to one :)).  And the ear pain?  Explained--when you have a "flaming" sore throat--due to the proximity of the ears--your ears will be in intense pain as well.  Yay.  Not going completely insane ;). 
 
I also did something I have never done in the 16 years my husband and I have been together.  I told him I needed him to stay home this weekend.  He was going to the Hawkeye game again in IC.  These past few months for me have just been hell.  One illness after the other while not 'missing a beat', if you will.  I never ask him to because, in my mind, he should WANT to and it should be second nature to him.  I'm his wife.  He should want to care for me and help take care of these kids that are his family--out of a sense of 'love', I guess.  If he doesn't want to, then I don't want him to.  My pride was completely gone at this point.  I didn't care where his heart was at. I just couldn't do it.  So, I didn't give a crap if he wanted to be here or not--you're going to stay.  Suck it up.  First time in the history of our marriage.  And while it hurts, yes, that it wasn't his idea and I had to ask last night--my body hurts too bad to really care at this point.  Deal with all that later.  It has just been a week and I really just need to get physically better.  I need to be able to function--the one foot in front of the other function.  That needs to happen now.  It is what it is...  He's a great guy.  Just really loves his Hawkeyes :).

I hate that this much time has been wasted.  Five whole days of being miserable and just waiting to feel better the next morning--and each day being worse than the next--and just wanting to feel good--for longer than a few days--again.  I am vowing to be kinder and gentler to myself from now on.  In my mind and thoughts as well.  I will try to let stupidity, ignorance and meanness go.  I have too much love and kindness in my life to let that pettiness get me down.  So many miracles in my life to praise God for--would rather spend my life praising than stressing! :) 

And yes, some things have to change--and those things that can't change, I just need to distance myself from.  We can't completely walk away from everything, but we can often create the space we need to breathe--and we don't need to apologize for that -- ever.  We can not control other people's behavior and how they continue to treat us, day after day, year after year...  But God gave us a mind, heart, and soul to use and to protect.  We don't need to cast it before those who will trod upon it repeatedly when there are so many who will restore it and build it up. 

I find it so ridiculously silly that I find myself apologizing for not LETTING people treat me like crap.  Oh, I'm so sorry I won't come over as often and let you disrespect me.  Really, Ang?  Really?  But yet, I do.  No more.  So last year ;)...

And then I look to my girls, my sisters, my amazing friends and I sometimes find their love and acceptance to be so odd because I'm, quite frankly, not used to it, nor do I feel deserving of it...  again, so last year... ;)  over it!  this mommas arms are OPEN!!! 

In the debacle of the last few months of bacterial infection after infection and specialist visits, tests and speculation for this momma and this latest strep infection, I had a dear friend that had yet another surgery after fighting cancer for the past year and a half send me a message yesterday.  She just had surgery about a week or so ago.  Just had drainage tubes removed (her last of three) and just had stitches removed yesterday.  She felt so bad I was still sick, couldn't do much, but her husband could.  She knew Marty would be gone, and would love to take the kids to the park and out for lunch so I would get some rest.  Surgery.  Cancer.  Has three kids of her own.  Recovering.  Just got stitches out THAT DAY.  Not supposed to be doing anything.  Could she come get my two boys so I could rest?!?!?!?  Blew my mind and I just started bawling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Lost my merd (again, excuse my French).  When I had to ASK my own husband to please stay home?!?  Wow.  I really have the best friends.  I truly do not know what I would do without these angels here on earth.  God knows I need these sisters.
 
I'm all over the place--I haven't had a coherent thought in months--I've been bitter, I've been struggling, I've been joyful, I've been thankful and blessed, I've been so tired, I've felt so very loved, I just want to feel better, I've been doing it all on nothing, lots of questions, very few answers, and just trusting God that he knows exactly what he's doing--as always.
 
Thanks to all of you for putting up with all of me.  And I am so thankful for Glennon and Momastery as her blog inspires me so much.  If you can give, she has an amazing gift giving extravaganza going on right now.  Pretty awesome.  Giving lots to the East Coast right now and sending lots of prayers up.  Hits very close to home right now as all of my sisters are out there.  They just got hit by another storm this week.  If you can, do what you can.  Even it it's prayer--prayer is so very powerful!!!!  Especially when we all do it together!

The ramblings of a this crazy momma must come to a close.  Time to shower as I seem to have sweat through yet another pair of clothes while typing.  More laundry to pile onto the mountain overflowing over the hamper I haven't touched all week (can't carry it downstairs and no one else seems to be able to either ;)).  These fevers are crazy.  Especially on ibuprofen.  Hope to have some brain cells left by the end of this.  Oh, and just a little tid bit I learned from the doc--if you let strep go too long--it turns into scarlet fever--mom, you were right...  Hence the rash...  I thought it was just a fever rash.  Also called scarlatina.  Old school, right?  Bringing it back, ladies :).

love and peace, as always....  and huge germ less hugs!

Sunshine and Saturdays...

Joy. Letting it settle into my bones and wrap me up in it's warmth as comfy as my favorite sweat pants.

Sitting here drinking tea and eating an embarrassing amount of Halloween candy while the washer and dryer hum away in time with the dishwasher.  The Halloween totes have been lugged up from the basement and are sitting in the living room--ready to be refilled with all of our Halloween decor and lugged back down said stairs till ghoul time next year.  All too soon, it will be time to get the Christmas decorations out.  For now, I will put our orange and black away, dust, and bring out our one Thanksgiving decoration--a little pilgrim boy riding on top of a turkey.  Seems fitting for this house :).
Max and Marty are at basketball camp today.  Marty has decided to coach with his buddy, Paul.  This makes my heart happy.  Max seems to do better when his daddy is coaching.  He seems far less anxious and he is able to have more fun.  His new basketball shoes looked HUGE when he took them out of the box this morning--but low and behold, they fit.  My boy has become a giant :)!
Griffyn is working on more "projects" at the kitchen table which is scattered with glue bottles, glitter, construction paper, scissors, stickers, markers, oil pastels, and all art things imaginable.  He loves to create--and I will do everything in my power to facilitate this messy business of creation.  That, and it keeps him busy for quite some time :).  As he is cutting and gluing and creating "my duys"--we have the best conversations.  He told me that he really wants to be a grown up and doesn't want to be a "yittle tid" anymore.  When I asked him why he said, "So I tan be in charge and say fings yike, 'Det in da tar' and 'tlean up dis mess!'".  Oh goodness!  So THAT'S what I sound like!
This week has been a little crazy (how often do I write that?!? ;)), but winding down to a comfortable lull of familiar crazy now.  As most of you have heard me whine about being sick for the past few months upon months, a visit to the ENT brought up a concern that was rather scary for this momma--the possibility of a brain tumor.  My vision issues and intense pain and pressure within my ears (which are just fine and lovely) along with a host of other issues, caused Dr. Schulte to schedule an MRI yesterday.  An experience I don't really ever want to do again--for those of you who are claustrophobic and have a hard time lying perfectly still for 40 minutes while your head and neck are trapped in a Hannibal Lecter like mask contraption that snaps over your face--you'll understand.  The dye did not take kindly to my veins which decided to close thus causing the combination of dye and saline to go underneath my skin--which felt like someone had lit a match and set me on fire--all while NOT being able to move and being encased like a sausage in a very scary loud magnetic and photographic device.  I thought of my friend, Nicole, who has endured so much in the form of chemo, radiation, surgery, and test after test after test--I thought of her and was able to be still...
Dr. Schulte is amazing.  He has given both of my boys tubes, removed Max's tonsils and adenoids, and been such an integral key to keeping this fam healthy--which is no small task with this asthma/sinus/allergy bunch.  He encourages me to be a warrior for my family's health--even when people don't understand.  In short, we love him.  He checked out my pokes to make sure all was well, and asked if I'd like him to read the MRI first then come back and get me--or if we should just go in and read them together.  At this point in the waiting game, I chose the later.  We sat side by side, going through each image as he explained what he was looking for.  Pretty amazing experience to be able to see the inside of your brain!  Surreal and awesome--God made us all so complex!  I couldn't help but notice there was a lovely little heart in the middle of my brain where both hemispheres connected.  "No one has ever said that before," Dr. Schulte chuckled.  Preschool teachers notice these things ;).  We were looking for symmetry--and all was good.  No tumors.  Nothing strange or suspicious.  I had a beautiful brain!  SO relieved--yet, what next? 
Dr. Schulte believes I have something called Mal de Debarquement Syndrome (MdDs).  It is often experienced by "women my age" who have been on a boat, roller coaster, or experienced a situation of traumatic imbalance of some kind.  He honed in on this when I had mentioned that all of this horrible pain started happening after I rode on the roller coaster at Adventureland this summer with my niece.  I got off the roller coaster and felt like I was still on it--the feeling just wouldn't leave.  The sensation of pain in the ears, dizziness, imbalance, nausea, etc. can last from months to years (the mean being 3.5 years).  It can also be caused by a variant of a migraine (which I also have) and my migraines have been getting worse and stranger (vision issues that are just scary) as well.  There is no cure.  You just wait it out.  Some medications can help ease the discomfort of the issues, however.  Yay--more pills!  He has referred me on to a neurologist.  I had both of Dr. Hansen's children in preschool, and his office is full of mommies whose children I care for, so I know I will be in good hands.  He comes highly recommended by a very dear friend of mine as well (love you, Sara).  In the mean time, my regular doctor (am I getting that old that I have to differentiate my docs? ;)) wants to chat on Monday about possible things we can do to make these issues a bit more bearable (my kidneys need a break from all the ibuprofen ;)).  I am sooooo relieved to know it is nothing life threatening--just annoying :).  I can handle annoying--I just may be a bit more so myself ;).
Griffyn is asking me to come and check out all the creatures he has made (googly eyes are the bomb!!!) and this Halloween stuff won't pack up itself!  So thankful for an extra hour this weekend and beyond excited to visit the Black family and cuddle baby McKenna tomorrow!  Need to bake something yummy for the Black crew!  Love to y'all and continued prayers going up for those on the East Coast!!!!  So thankful my sisters are all safe and sound!  Enjoy your Saturday and the sunshine (and time to rewarm this cup of Zen).