It has been a week! Or has it? What day is it?
The puking began and it went down hill from there. Chalked it up to the flu and had to call my director to let her know I wasn't going to be able to make it in to work the next day. I HATE having to do that! I can work through most anything--but puking (while not being able to run to a bathroom when ever I need to) and running a high fever are deal breakers--just can't do it with my job and a room full of 24 kids.
The fever raged on, next came a horrific sore throat, sweating through my clothes at least three times a day, headache (which is nothing new to me), shakes, and still puking. What kind of flu was this? Another day of missed work. I was in and out of sleep--not really sleeping because I was in so much pain (and because of all of the construction in our backyard--and right outside our bedroom window)--and kind of dreaming, but the "dreams" were so real--so I thought I had actually talked to my director to excuse myself for Thursday, but wasn't sure I had--and was very glad I called Thursday morning to find that I hadn't--goodness--I wanted off this horrendous ride!!!!!!! Bawling mess of heated tears.
By Friday, my mom convinced me I needed to go to the doctor. I just could not fathom that I had yet another bacterial infection!!! I had been on so many heavy duty antibiotics the past few months for ear and sinus infections and had been to the doctor so many times--I was honestly embarrassed to call yet again. I wanted to ride this out and let my body fight if off on it's own--but after five days of hell, I surrendered. I was losing the battle. I was beyond frustrated. I couldn't do a damn thing to help my family and had essentially missed a full week of work. No where near better--and here we were at Friday. Defeated and depressed (and a very stressed out husband). Norwalk Family Physicians, here I come--my second home... (they are amazing, by the way--never make me feel like a bother--no matter how many times I have to come in ;))
The drive in to Norwalk to see the doctor yesterday, with my four year old, was the scariest. I felt like I was in my improv class in high school as I got into my car-- the scene is 'you're expected to do something you know you shouldn't be doing or can't do'-"pretend you are a superhero... go!" Over a median--briefly, ran into the curb, miscalculated an exit--and God above had his angels all around me. Griff thought it was fun. Should not have been driving--but what was I supposed to do? Marty wanted me to wait till he could take me--but doctors only have so many appointments available and since I was running a 103 temp while on 600 mg of ibuprofen every five hours, I thought I should probably get myself in. My none working neighbors were busy with other plans and I had to go. Simple as that. Got in, passed out, and the verdict was acute strep.
Still feel like merd, pardon the French, but hoping the penicillin (three times a day) will kick in soon. Throat still insanely sore, and still taking 3 ibuprofen for pain every five hours so I can swallow and running a mild fever (down to 101--yay!!! :)), but it's only been a day on meds after a week of having this crap, so hoping by tomorrow I will start feeling like a human being again (I'll even take close to one :)). And the ear pain? Explained--when you have a "flaming" sore throat--due to the proximity of the ears--your ears will be in intense pain as well. Yay. Not going completely insane ;).
I also did something I have never done in the 16 years my husband and I have been together. I told him I needed him to stay home this weekend. He was going to the Hawkeye game again in IC. These past few months for me have just been hell. One illness after the other while not 'missing a beat', if you will. I never ask him to because, in my mind, he should WANT to and it should be second nature to him. I'm his wife. He should want to care for me and help take care of these kids that are his family--out of a sense of 'love', I guess. If he doesn't want to, then I don't want him to. My pride was completely gone at this point. I didn't care where his heart was at. I just couldn't do it. So, I didn't give a crap if he wanted to be here or not--you're going to stay. Suck it up. First time in the history of our marriage. And while it hurts, yes, that it wasn't his idea and I had to ask last night--my body hurts too bad to really care at this point. Deal with all that later. It has just been a week and I really just need to get physically better. I need to be able to function--the one foot in front of the other function. That needs to happen now. It is what it is... He's a great guy. Just really loves his Hawkeyes :).
I hate that this much time has been wasted. Five whole days of being miserable and just waiting to feel better the next morning--and each day being worse than the next--and just wanting to feel good--for longer than a few days--again. I am vowing to be kinder and gentler to myself from now on. In my mind and thoughts as well. I will try to let stupidity, ignorance and meanness go. I have too much love and kindness in my life to let that pettiness get me down. So many miracles in my life to praise God for--would rather spend my life praising than stressing! :)
And yes, some things have to change--and those things that can't change, I just need to distance myself from. We can't completely walk away from everything, but we can often create the space we need to breathe--and we don't need to apologize for that -- ever. We can not control other people's behavior and how they continue to treat us, day after day, year after year... But God gave us a mind, heart, and soul to use and to protect. We don't need to cast it before those who will trod upon it repeatedly when there are so many who will restore it and build it up.
I find it so ridiculously silly that I find myself apologizing for not LETTING people treat me like crap. Oh, I'm so sorry I won't come over as often and let you disrespect me. Really, Ang? Really? But yet, I do. No more. So last year ;)...
And then I look to my girls, my sisters, my amazing friends and I sometimes find their love and acceptance to be so odd because I'm, quite frankly, not used to it, nor do I feel deserving of it... again, so last year... ;) over it! this mommas arms are OPEN!!!
In the debacle of the last few months of bacterial infection after infection and specialist visits, tests and speculation for this momma and this latest strep infection, I had a dear friend that had yet another surgery after fighting cancer for the past year and a half send me a message yesterday. She just had surgery about a week or so ago. Just had drainage tubes removed (her last of three) and just had stitches removed yesterday. She felt so bad I was still sick, couldn't do much, but her husband could. She knew Marty would be gone, and would love to take the kids to the park and out for lunch so I would get some rest. Surgery. Cancer. Has three kids of her own. Recovering. Just got stitches out THAT DAY. Not supposed to be doing anything. Could she come get my two boys so I could rest?!?!?!? Blew my mind and I just started bawling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lost my merd (again, excuse my French). When I had to ASK my own husband to please stay home?!? Wow. I really have the best friends. I truly do not know what I would do without these angels here on earth. God knows I need these sisters.
I'm all over the place--I haven't had a coherent thought in months--I've been bitter, I've been struggling, I've been joyful, I've been thankful and blessed, I've been so tired, I've felt so very loved, I just want to feel better, I've been doing it all on nothing, lots of questions, very few answers, and just trusting God that he knows exactly what he's doing--as always.
Thanks to all of you for putting up with all of me. And I am so thankful for Glennon and Momastery as her blog inspires me so much. If you can give, she has an amazing gift giving extravaganza going on right now. Pretty awesome. Giving lots to the East Coast right now and sending lots of prayers up. Hits very close to home right now as all of my sisters are out there. They just got hit by another storm this week. If you can, do what you can. Even it it's prayer--prayer is so very powerful!!!! Especially when we all do it together!
The ramblings of a this crazy momma must come to a close. Time to shower as I seem to have sweat through yet another pair of clothes while typing. More laundry to pile onto the mountain overflowing over the hamper I haven't touched all week (can't carry it downstairs and no one else seems to be able to either ;)). These fevers are crazy. Especially on ibuprofen. Hope to have some brain cells left by the end of this. Oh, and just a little tid bit I learned from the doc--if you let strep go too long--it turns into scarlet fever--mom, you were right... Hence the rash... I thought it was just a fever rash. Also called scarlatina. Old school, right? Bringing it back, ladies :).
love and peace, as always.... and huge germ less hugs!
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