All the Halloween decorations got taken down and I had Max make a run through of the house one last time to make sure I hadn't missed anything. The cobwebs are genuine, son, those can't be packed up ;). Everything was dusted and put back where it should be -- and after that four hour or so process -- everything looked sparkling clean -- and so bare. Christmas will come soon enough and the Rubbermaid bins and totes will be lugged up from downstairs and painstakingly unpacked and this momma will go crazy on Christmas. And the thought of all that work after packing up all of Halloween literally made me pass out on the couch--for five whole minutes--because then it was time to make supper.
I'm blessed with a lot to take care of. So blessed. I am not minimizing that at all. I have never, ever discounted my blessings in anyway. I'm just also finding that I tend to tolerate quite a bit. I do so at the expense of my health (which I found at my last job), my rest, my peace, my sense of self -- and I don't know why it is that I do this. I have my theories -- the way I was raised, the hell I was used to, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah -- but that was then and this is now and why, oh why do I STILL?
Life is short, though it may seem exhausting and long in this moment, it is ever so short, brief--think of how quickly the time has passed between holding your baby in your arms and the young man or woman that stands before you (I type as my two young men are boisterously running around the house and there is 'noise, noise, noise' as the Grinch would say, so bear with me--as love bears all things--my brain is just fried). And so I begin to think about what I tolerate, how long I have and what that says about me and takes from me. It says I am underserving, it says I am less than, it says they or she is more than, it says that I am not who HE says I am--all untruths--and this girl, this momma, does not live untruths. No wonder my heart is breaking, my peace is disturbed, my soul feels unrest--because this THIS is not authentic--and that is NOT me. Examine what you tolerate, and if it is not okay at the CORE of you, let it go...
And that's the hard part. The damn hardest part--especially when it's people. Because you can walk away if it's only for you--but when it's someone's mother, friend, coworker--ahhhhhhh, that's the tricky part--because we still have to live our lives--and some of us like to live them peaceably. And my head and heart screams, 'but she lied, she continues to lie, she's so cruel, she stirs up trouble over and over and over again, so deceitful and manipulative, I want no part of that for myself or for this family--and enough really is enough!' So what do you do? No, really, what do you do? Because there is no sane sit down with crazy. There just isn't. You don't hash it out or talk it out when truth or honesty isn't in the picture. There is a verse in the Bible I come to often when I get to this place of ugly with people where Jesus tells us not to cast our pearls amongst swine -- blunt, some people may even find it offensive. He's simply saying, we shouldn't throw our light, our treasures, to be trampled in the dirt where they won't be received with respect. You will know this and get a better sense of it when you've tried again and again and again--and not only is it not received--your dreams, your light, your love is marred, mangled and made to look like something the cat drug in -- and if anyone of you have received presents from a cat -- you know it isn't pretty.
Going back to God always helps. We aren't here to please men, and generally these types of people can't be pleased. No matter what you do, they aren't happy and you have to do what ever they say and even then it's not enough -- and they will continue to gossip and talk about you in an unflattering light (and be sure to tell you every unflattering thing everyone else is saying about you as well). So I go to Galatians, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10
God doesn't expect me to please others at the cost of following him. Amen. He comes first. Period. This is NOT a popularity contest. And then I look at the spirit behind the intention. Often it doesn't make sense and it's purely selfish. The reason you CAN'T sit down with crazy, friends, is because it is COMPLETELY SELF OBSORBED. So, what does God call me to be? Not that. Anything but that. He calls me to bear the fruits of the spirit. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law." Galatians 5:22 That's a tall order. Best work on that and leave the rest well enough alone.
My heart has been so heavy with these thoughts. I've spent SO much time with these people. It's just time to be done. Time for change. Time for life to really open up and happen--freedom! I deserve that, my kids deserve that, my marriage deserves that!
Everyone has choices to make in life. And we are recipients of other people's choices. This is profoundly amazing. Choices. Sometimes really horrible, awful, bad stuff happens to some of us. We don't live in isolation. I think I speak for a vast majority of the population. Most of us haven't lived fairytale lives. It just doesn't get talked about much at Starbucks. I have incredible sisters and an amazing brother that were STILL able to make positive, vibrant, healthy, responsible, kind, authentic, empathetic, and loving choices and, dammit world, we ARE STILL HERE -- breathing (my lungs still work ;) ), smiling, moving, being, with some pretty amazing friends that loved the crap out of us --regardless of all of our struggles-- along the way. We are the lucky ones. We really are. So to have to put up with the fabricated petty crap for year after year after year of people with nothing better to do then muck up the world with gossip and twist reality for selfish reasons, to get attention, or what have you--goodness, this momma's got no more time for that!
I am so thankful for my friends and my siblings who have been the biggest support and sense of family to me. My boys, who are my everything, and all God's incredible blessings!!! I'd rather fill up my time he's blessed me with and given me on this earth with all this goodness then waste it on petty crazy where it is not appreciated or respected in the least. The fear is gone. "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline." 2nd Timothy 1:7 I have trusted God to get me through so many trials in my life. I know he will safely take me through any storm. "For he himself is our peace..." Ephesians 2:14
I am not less than, and the dreams that I have for my life are just as important as anyone else's--because God himself put them in this heart of mine. Time to start letting them get a little more sunshine.
Peace and light and love, friends!
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