Not much to say tonight, I just feel like I HAVE to say SOMETHING, it's a curse really... In my younger days it came out well. As a tired mommy of two boys who doesn't get much sleep, is often on her own and quiet time is never acquired (the word "alone" is not in my vocabulary and is used for things like catching up -- ha! -- on laundry and housework), so the curse comes out less eloquently and far, far less profound...
But I found myself acting like a teenager again today. Such silliness. In tears over that feeling of unacceptance, when I had vowed (vow upon vow) to stop chasing people and that feeling -- like me, like me, oh please like me!!! Pathetic? Oh yes. Me? Oh yes. And I Loathe that about myself (capital "L" intentional). Absolutely. Hate admitting it -- as I am afraid sometimes that it will be used against me -- as it so easily can be. And I've found as I've gotten older that I have gotten SO much "better" :). I can say "no", I am entitled to "my" feelings, whether they be cherished or not, and I have become somewhat comfortable in my awkwardness and nerdiness that I've never quite been able to shake--and I've stopped trying to shake it. I kind of gently hug it now :). But every so often, little lapses occur, weak moments in my soul, like today--where I just for one tiny little insecure moment, want to be that cool kid.
After the sting of hurt lulls about inside for a bit, I get over it, then I get angry at myself--and then, then I can laugh at myself. Because I am such a work in progress--even at my most grown upness. I don't know that I'll ever get there--because some part of me is always that scared, lost, so very, very lost and lonely little girl that is never enough to anybody. Years and years have taught me that no brand name of clothing is ever going to solve that, no house, no car, and for me it would take a personal stylist ;) -- are going to make me acceptable to anyone -- and chasing those people and those things doesn't ever bring comfort because for those people you always need something bigger, more, and better -- and in the eyes of God I am always enough. Just me. Silly, awkward, nerdy, me. :)
I have to end this need to purge the day as my eleven year old is shedding tears due to his own heart break -- Saxon math. We have been working on this together for the past hour. The loathing is mutual. He is completely frustrated and I am too. But, I don't want him to sit and suffer on his own, so we'll suffer together. Marty is having dinner with his girls -- coworkers and friends -- so it's another single mommy night. I don't mind. It's what I do. If it's not cross country, it's booster club meetings, so I'm glad he's having fun. My heart is with my boys.
Just remember how perfectly beautiful and amazing you are. God didn't create us to just be wandering souls without any purpose. And that purpose is definitely NOT one that is designated or determined by man. Our purpose is divine--from the mundane to the fantastic--it is all the same in the eyes of God. He doesn't care if your furniture is from Walmart or Pottery Barn, if your clothes are from Goodwill or Banana Republic. But he DOES care about your heart! And your hands, how they reach out to others, lift others up, that smile, how it can encourage those around you--your words, how they can be a knife or heal and extend love--and those ears, if they do nothing but listen--to Him and to those that need us -- especially our little ones.
He made us all beautiful, just the way we are -- and to judge that is to judge him. Go on and rock that person he made you to be -- flaws and all. Even if you march to the beat of a different drum. In fact, if that's the case, rock it harder! :)
Saxon is calling me. Prayers welcome :).
Love and God's blessing to you all!
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