October 1st. Here we go. Been waiting for, anticipating this day for weeks and weeks. It's finally here. My consultation with Dr. Fry for surgery. Why am I so nervous? Couldn't sleep last night. So silly. It is nothing. I've been telling myself~and everyone else~ for so long that it's nothing, and now I'm freaking out. I think the stress of the past few weeks of constant illness at our house and the increasingly crappy environment at work has just taken my mind off of it, and now that I'm actually THINKING about it, I'm getting that fluttery in the chest, rapid heart beat breathing that I get at the onset of anything remotely unsettling. I even annoy myself. Panic attacks are not becoming...
My biggest fear it that he'll tell me to just suck it up. Deal with it. Keep taking your pain meds . Find a new job that doesn't require you to stand on your feet all day long or lift heavy objects. Get used to that daily burning sensation and the individual 'heart beat' each vein has in your leg. You don't need sleep~~the horrid cramping in your legs you have every night when you lay down is just something you'll eventually learn do live with. You just won't be able to run, I guess, if it hurts that bad. Find something else to do for exercise. The swelling? Just put your feet up through out the day till it goes down. You'll be fine. Yeah, that would really stink. I'd rather have them tell me they have to cut most of my leg out than that~~maybe. I realize I'm not thinking rationally right now. I just want it all to be over~~all to be over with results, I guess. Positive, pain free, back to the functioning me, results!
Listening to Griff sing his ABC's and dump out all the fake food in his kitchen as he 'cooks' me breakfast. Such a great little guy. Both of my kids are amazing. Even if they did cause these terrible varicose veins (wink, wink). Just reminding myself how much I have to be thankful for. Taking deep breaths. Enjoying my blueberry tea. Contemplating making the bed and starting laundry. Need to finish the rest of the paperwork I'm supposed to bring to the Iowa Vein Center this afternoon too. Apparently they need to know your past medical and family history as well as all the meds you're on (including times of day you take them and dosage). Nosy people.
It WILL be fine. It really is nothing. My body just feels the need to have an anxiety attack and freak out about it for no apparent reason. That's just how I roll~~and roll with it I shall, but not without taking another clonazapam and doing some deep breathing exercises...
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