On Being Eeyore...

Got up at 4:45 a.m. today to run.  Marty had class and had to leave quite early.  It was my only shot as it was supposed to be so hot and I didn't want to take the boys out in the heat on the bike path.  Wasn't that hot of a day.  Weather people.  Only job where you can consistently be wrong and not get fired.  Good grief.  Was crabby and grouchy and tired all day.  Worked in infants for ten hours the day before at the crack of dawn, so back to back days of no sleep (heck, weeks!) just didn't gel with my mind, soul, and body today.  So, I do what I do and cleaned the house and baked with the boys and decided against the pool plans we had made as seclusion seemed the better deal with my case of the gloomy grumpies.  The boys relaxed, played Wii, read, played Lego's, and helped me make peanut butter, caramel, cheerio bars and j-ello.  Exciting, yes? ;) 
Reorganized some things in an attempt to get rid of some of the clutter that has taken over the house.  My husband is a pack rat.  He has a lot of stuff for the sake of "someday" and "maybe" and "possibly" and "just in case".  I am a what ever the word is for 'not a lot of stuff' kind of person and it drives me crazy (go ahead and say it honey, "what doesn't?" ;)).  I get overwhelmed by great quantities of junk, for lack of a better word, and it sends my OCD into a panic attack and frenzy.  Mess is just insanity.  Things need to be neat and tidy to make sense, in my world.  Be calm and throw away...  Nothing important, of course.  
Griff was on a rampage today.  The boys played well, but they also fought well.  G knows what buttons to push on Max--and especially the BIG, BRIGHT, RED ones--called germs.  He was mercilessly teasing him with germs of all kinds today.  I got irritated with them both. 
At the moment, Max is taking a break from G and playing catch with Daddy in the back yard, Griffyn is watching "Max and Ruby" and demanding ice cream.  I've said "no" at least a thousand times and he has asked me "why" at least a thousand more in response.  Apparently "because I said so" and "you just had dinner" aren't good enough reasons to suppress his incessant questioning mind... 
Hoping to get to the pool tomorrow as it's supposed to reach 100 degrees.  Max has baseball practice.  Tourney's this weekend, race pick up and the fun run for the 4th.  I get overwhelmed way too easily.  Blessed (thank you Lord!!!) to get the EA from work tomorrow, so I don't have to worry about finding care for the boys (thank you, Abby, for volunteering to keep G all day and to my mom for offering to pick up Max in the afternoon from my work).  Thankfully I get to stay home as Marty has to leave at 6:40 a.m. as it is.  God is good.  Little blessings are sometimes the biggest!
My children need to go to bed early.  I seem to have no patience today.  It's just plain gone and no amount of chamomile tea or ibuprofen is bringing it back.  I should just admit defeat.  And maybe get some of that ice cream G's been begging for!
Max's stomach aches are still running rampant.  Especially before bed, when he has to calm down and stop--and his mind begins to solely focus on his thoughts without distraction.  He knows it's anxiety.  The mind and body connection--stinks for some of us.  The past few months have been terrible and I'm going to call myself out as a terrible parent here and admit that some days I've just had enough.  I had the same issues as a kid--but life at "home" sucked--like a nightmare.  Max has a great life (I would almost say spoiled).  Yet, he has anxiety and the panic and the OCD.  On the bright side, maybe I would have been this messed up either way?!?  HA!  Then I blame myself.  He's obviously gotten it from me.  Damn genetics!  It's my fault and I feel terrible.  I just try to smile, hug him, not get frustrated at the irrationality of it all (because I KNOW how VERY real it feels), and reassure him that he is the absolute most amazing and best kid ever (cause he IS :))!  After all this, I ask him to go write in his journal and pray.  That seems to be our best recourse for reconnecting to calm at this point.
Then there's my G, otherwise knows as the Tasmanian Devil.  The kid has to be reminded a billion times to go and wash his hands after he uses the bathroom--usually by his big brother.  Grilling out at my mom's last night (who lives in a nice condo association in Norwalk), he tells me he has to go potty.  I tell him to 'go then'.  Next thing I know, I turn around and he's peeing on Grandma and Grandpa's front lawn.  "You betta not step on dat pot right dare, Momma, tause dat's where I pee'd".  Awesome.  He is LOUD, and CRAZY, and never EVER stops moving.  He is so skinny because sitting still to eat requires, well, sitting still--and he just can't do it.  He is exuberance on crack.  He has me laughing one minute and wanted to put him in a kennel the next (really, we have a time out rug and NOT a kennel--yet ;)).  He is naughty smart and his latest saying is (right after I tell him NOT to do something), "Momma, don't yook at me!".  Let me just say, if you hear those words--ya better look!!!
One emotionally drains me and the other physically wears me down.  At the end of the day, I feel like I have nothing left.  Then there's my three 10 hour work days with my kids at the center and a husband who is often MIA.  By Thursday I am completely spent.  I often feel sick and wonder how I make the drive home with my eyeballs open.  I have a very blessed life that I dearly and truly love--I'm just tired through 99 percent of it.  Yes, I take lots and lots and lots of vitamins and protein shakes are my new best friend--but still tired.  So tired, I can't sleep.  Irony at it's best in motherhood, eh?  I know most of us are in the same tired ass boat without a paddle--or we had one and can't remember what in the world we did with it ;)!

My four year old is throwing a screaming tantrum for Daddy and my nine year old is taking another shower.  Maybe I should switch from tea to wine ;).  And then I am reminded that God does not give us more than we can handle~moreover, what he can HELP us handle.  At times I feel like a post traumatic stress disorder victim and I just wants to throw my hands up in the air and shout--"I've paid my dues!  Seriously, wasn't half my life enough?!?" and then I realize I'm throwing a temper tantrum of my own.  God's will is perfect.  His timing spot on.  His plan for each of our lives flawless.  When did I so selfishly lose sight of this?!?  Oh yes, when I was wining like a toddler for everything to be easy and go my way because somehow I'd 'earned' it already.  How frustrated God must get with me.  He must want to shout down from heaven, "How many blessings must I give you, daughter, before you will TRUST my faithfulness to you?!?".  Thanks be to God that he is so merciful!!!

Still hoping for that early bedtime ;).  And maybe, just maybe, sitting next to my husband and relaxing (okay, so I'll fall asleep, but at least we'll be together).  G needs a bath and his favorite Lego guy jammies (not sure if the favorite is Star Wars or Batman tonight, so I will retrieve both just to be safe :)).  Max has his reading done for the day and bedtime snacks are done.  So all that's left is stories and prayers (and enduring the stalling process ;)).  Griff gets more creative with age.  He needs a "dwink" another story, another "tiss and hug", another song, to change the color on his bee constellation night light, his favorite blanket on/and then off two seconds later, to find out what that "saddow" is on the wall, to pray one more time--and on, and on, and on and on...
And I'm told someday I will miss this.  I know I will.  Just not today.  Today, I want quiet and I want my bed and I want to feel 36 and not 90.  And I will NOT be getting up after 4 a.m. to run tomorrow.  Sorry.  It seemed to have ruined my day ;). 

I will choose instead to "sleep in" till a little after six (when ever Marty wakes me up to get ready for class) and wallow in the fluffiness of my pillows and blankets until I hear the pitter patter and thud, thud, thud of Griffyn's feet running into my room to wake me with a huge kiss (even if I am awake, I close my eyes tight as he is convinced it is his kiss alone that wakes me :)).  And I will make scrambled eggs and cinnamon toast and eat it all without worrying about the calories, the fact I didn't run, and that I will be putting on a swim suit to take the boys to the pool.  And I will be happy.  I will be very, very happy...

Love, peace, and smiles on this journey, friends!  For wherever we go is where we were meant to be! 

Rainy days...

So thankful for the rain.  Our lawn needed it, the farmers needed it, in fact, all of God's nature was crying out in thirst!  Moreover, this family needed it.  The rains caused us to slow down, take a break from the crazy busy that is our "normal", and reconnect...
I shouldn't say slow down per say.  Marty installed a ceiling fan in the boy's room as it has been getting much too hot in the evenings.  I cleaned the house from top to bottom:  bathrooms (my least favorite job in the whole world--let's be honest, boys are just gross sometimes--and I have 3 ;)), dusting, vacuuming, and laundry (and attempted to organize our "office").  As we are always gone, I haven't had any time to do this--so, although it was work, I enjoyed it.  We were able to have some play time with our Tay (who G can not live more than two days without seeing) and Marty was able to hang out with some friends at the Cub's game tonight (and thankful my sister got to go as well--her first game).  She's leaving in a few days for her adventure in New Hampshire and I would have hated for her to miss it.  I missed being able to go out with my girls this evening (no sitter and husband gone--but didn't think I would be able to anyway due to a tournament--but still miss them)--but enjoyed a relaxing movie and popcorn night with the boys on our bedroom floor.  Good times.  Also had a baptismal run in the rain this morning.  Continued as once I was wet, it really didn't matter.  The house is now quiet, and the rain still falls...

Fun with Tay

Who says picnics are just for sunny days?

Let's just say it took more than five minutes.  Awesome job, honey!!!

Those of you who know me well or have read the postings I have shared, know that I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life.  I like to think I am getting "better" and as I get older, I'm able to let go more and actually "feel" what I KNOW and not just verbalize it to myself.  What I'm saying is that I know what is going on in my head/heart isn't necessarily healthy or true, but it's one thing to get the brain part and quite another to get the heart part.  The internal battles continue, but the connection happens :)!  So, I was struck by a comment a neighbor said to me today that probably would have previously gone unnoticed by me--I would have just chalked it up to yet another one of my abnormalities and flaws and felt discouraged.  She was asking if I would help with something for our 4th of July extravaganza (I love our small town!  The fourth is one major party.  So fun!) and then said that it would give me a reason to be at the park without having to really talk to people--since that's 'not my thing'.  It hit me different this time, and I know she didn't mean anything hurtful by it, yet it made me feel like I need to walk around wearing a t-shirt explaining myself (ie defending myself). 
I'd like to set something straight.  It's not that I don't LIKE talking to people--I love people :).  It's that I don't LIKE me or feel like I am on the same level--lower, much lower--and I feel awkward, silly, stupid, ugly, socially inept (and a plethora of other adjectives) around the human race.  Like if  I breathe wrong people will just be able to sense all of my crazy.  I told this lovely friend that "I am getting a lot better at that now," and "thanks, but no thanks".  For the first time, in a long time, I am going to the park to enjoy the festivities with my kids and friends.  I'm introverted, yes, but not shy. 
And then I began thinking of all the ways that I have been getting 'better' and began praising God in my heart instead of beating myself up.  Each day is a new day, a bigger step towards the Sonshine (misspelling intentional :)). 
And it's okay that I haven't been Miss Social my whole life (and may never be), but I don't want to be pigeon holed as someone who doesn't want to do anything because "it's not your thing".  I really do, and I'm trying VERY hard--it just takes a lot of energy, strength, focus, and mental fortitude for me to do so.  That's the thing about depression and anxiety--a lot of things that are easy for everyone else are a billion times harder for those of us that struggle with this.  "My thing", as defined by my mind and feelings some days, would be to crawl under a rock and hide forever--but I can't do that.  And moreover, no one "wants" it for themselves--these feelings that chain you up and won't let the real you out...  You fight through it--and it's tiring, but you do it.  And there are some days I just don't have it--and that's really okay too.  I let God carry me those days.  And by the grace of God, my amazing army of friends, my husband and my kids, I am able to be brave.  I am not focusing on what I've missed (as that just spirals me down further), but what I'm gaining in the relationships I am building around me and God is granting me.  It's been scary as the fear of not being accepted is so ominous, but knowing that I have such great love and acceptance at the core of my life makes that leap of faith all the more doable.  Focusing my eyes on what God wants and expects of me takes my eyes off of what I perceive other people think I should be.  Trust is also a major issue for me as, in my experience, I've attracted people in the past that have ulterior motives and "accept" me for what they can get or use from me.  I've had to repeatedly learn that this is not acceptance and that if you constantly have to give to be liked, the friendship is not genuine.  Friendship is soul uplifting, not sucking.  Yes, at 36 I am just learning this.  Better late than never? :)
I will never be a social butterfly who flits from here to there, and quite frankly, between 30 exhausting hours a week at work (that I love, but exhaustion is just the nature of my job :)), an insane amount of baseball, football, basketball (pick the season), two boys that couldn't be more polar opposite from each other, a husband that coaches and works and contributes to lots of meetings, I don't have the time.  I don't think most mommies do.  But now, when I am blessed with the opportunity to make new friends, try new things, or catch up with my girls, I can do it with a different levity than I had before (any levity beats the grey that was before).  I have to be honest--I still feel judged and small and less than at times--but I also know that this is something that may not be projected by my company, but by my perception of myself.  I fight through this because these relationships are worth it to me.  I want them.  I need them.  And by golly, it's just fun to laugh and be with friends--without having a wonderfest of "am I good enough for these beautiful people?" going on inside my head and heart.  And I don't have to be good enough.  I just have to be the creation God made--major quirks and all.  That is enough. :) 
So, I just wanted to say thank you, on this rainy, rainy day--to all of my girls who know me and put up with and love me.  I love you with all my heart (or butt, as Jess likes to say :)).  You have no idea what your acceptance and support and encouragement and solidarity mean to me.  I thank you for your patience when I need space and your understanding when I smother you ;).  Thank you for sharing your light, your faith, your sunshine with this soul.  You all make me want to be the person I want to be, and give me the guts to do so.  The inspiring blessing of true friendship is not lost on this woman.  As Emerson said, "The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship."  Amen.
And my kids.  I seriously can NOT believe that God has granted me such love.  I get to come home to those knock down hugs, blow me away kisses, and cuddles and "I lub you's" and "I love you's" (I have two children and one with a speech impediment he's sure to outgrow soon :)) every single day.  This ginormous blessing is not lost on this momma.  God has made all of my dreams come true.  Even the ones I didn't know I had! 
And my husband.  Yes, we struggle, and yes, we argue, and yes, we drive each other crazy (okay, to the brink of insanity ;))--but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he will ALWAYS be there for me and wants what's best for me--even if we disagree on what that 'best' is.  I love you, honey.  Even when I don't like you ;).  And I know you feel the same about me.  You never let me go--even when I throw my tantrums and want to run away.  You hold me through the melt downs and let me know that after it's all over, you are still standing right next to me.  And that amazing blessing is also not lost on this wife.
So now I will go back to snuggling with my sleeping boys and praying for a safe return for my husband.  And my heart will continue to be blessed as creation is the rain...

Movie night and snuggles with mommy...

The Wonder Years...

"The little child, when it sees a star sparkle, stretches out its dimpled arms; it wants that star.  To want a star is the beautiful insanity of the young."

Countess de Gasparin

I went for a little jaunt on the bike path today to "jog out my yuckies", as I call it.  Just an emotional day--which takes everything or nothing for me.  Could be that father's day is coming up.  Could be that we have another overwhelmingly busy weekend ahead.  Could be that I have not yet caught up on sleep after the very busy weekend we just had in Fort Dodge at yet another baseball tournament.  Could be that the boys were very crazy last night after said no sleep, getting up at 4:40 a.m. and working with preschoolers for ten hours (big thanks to the hubs for covering concession stand duty from 7 to close last night), not being able to sleep, then Griff deciding an early start to the day would be best for all of us (smile).  Most likely it is just because I am thoroughly exhausted.  I have no real reason to be so sad.  Darn stupid depression.  It doesn't make much sense...

Got some work done around the house, Marty got his errands run and took G to Carme's to get Griff's mullet taken care of (thanks, Carme girl, we love ya), then decided after lots of prayer and tears it was just time to get the shoes on and hit the pavement.  Even though it seems daunting and just plain undo able when I'm in the throws of gray, I KNOW it always helps.  And it did.  God and sunshine.  Nothing can beat it. 

And in the middle of my body adjusting to a slow (very slow) rhythm of breathing and moving, I felt a softness all around me.  It's a familiar softness and I know it to be God.  I don't hear his voice like Moses in the days of old, but I feel him.  He breathes with me through the wind in the trees, he reassures me through the sunshine filtering through the clouds, and for every nasty and ugly sin of reality (in the dead snakes and other animal carcass that occasional line my way, literally), he holds me in his arms as the air wraps around me and he lets me know that what ever happens, I will be okay because he is already there.  Always and forever already there...

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together."  Colossians 1:17

And I smile when I pass the bench the boys and I always have a little picnic snack on in the middle of our bike path adventures and think of them and the absolutely INSANE blessings they are to me.  Unfathomable that I would be allowed so much joy in the form of two little boys.  Too much for my heart and mind to understand, but I'll take it and never stop thanking God for blessing me so richly. 

I smile as I see the tractor rolling through the fields and think of Griffyn as he always waves radically and exuberantly at the farmer plowing or planting~~and if we're close enough to be seen, the farmer smiles, slows down just a touch and waves back.  G's smile takes up his entire face ."Tan you BEEWEEVE it, Momma?  Dat farma dust waved at me!  I tan't even beweeve it!!!".  To my boy, farmers are rock stars.  If he could, he'd ask for their autograph. 

Then there's my Max who stops his bike ever few minutes just to take everything in.  "Do you see that, Mom?" as he's surveying the small rolling hills of trees, greenery, tall grasses, "It's just so peaceful and beautiful!".  We watch dragon flies for a small eternity, horses, the occasional weasel, ducks, hawks, gorgeous wild flowers, geese, all kinds of birds, butterflies, mice, and G actually likes snakes.  Apparently they are quite friendly and just as curious as we are (he is the ultimate authority on all things slimy and creepy).  G says, "Mom, don't sceem yike dat!  He's dust saying hewwo and seeing what you doing."  Yeah, G, I just don't feel much like talking to something that slithery.  Then I am gently reminded that "Dod made snakes too, momma".  Very true, my G...

One of my favorite little traditions is our 'butterfly blessings'.  It started out when I was explaining one day to Max when he was a very little guy the miracle that butterflies are.  They are so delicate and fragile and yet able to fly and sustain and survive.  Some even migrate!  They are rather miraculous to me.  I further explained that they can help flowers grow by transferring pollen from one to the next from their "feet".  Max looked up at me and said, "Butterflies are sure a blessing."  And so our 'butterfly blessings' was born.  Every single time we see a butterfly, we thank God for all of our blessings and name one specifically.  There are usually lots of butterflies of all colors and sizes out on the bike path.  Makes for lots of praising God and counting our blessings time.  I haven't looked at a butterfly the same since...

So even when I get the luxury of being "alone" on the bike path (more now that Marty is around on my two days off a week), I think of my boys--and don't tell Marty this--but sometimes I even miss their company.  Everything is a miracle to them.  Intriguing, worth investigating, worth stopping for.  This life holds such wonder for them--everything, from the smallest ant to the greatest tree, evokes wonder.  I need that back.  Because with this wonder comes the thankful heart of blessing~to be in awe, to be amazed, to be in wonder means you appreciate, you stop, you look, you listen~~you are aware and you are grounded in the very intrinsic reality that life holds miracles big and small for each and every one of us every single day.  There is NO room to be anxious or have a case of the yucks in this state of mind. 

And I pass some bachelor buttons (my favorite flowers next to daisies) and think of Grandpa Harold.   I think of him often out here.  Could be the farms, could be the flowers that remind me of the ones he and Grandma had on the farm and would put in mason jars for me to take home, could be the quiet that although it is so very soft and still is so strong--strong enough to carry me across bridges, gravel, and heart ache and back home again.  All remind me of Grandpa.  And I think of how I want my boys to be like him.  And I hope I am doing a good job by them.  And I pray some more.  I pray a lot on this path.  I can think clearly here by myself.  I pray that God helps me to be a good mommy, wife, friend, sister, daughter, teacher, neighbor, servant, child of God and all the things God created me to be--that he would quiet the noise in my head and heart that makes me doubt my value compared to others, my place in this world where I often feel so ridiculed, weird, and snubbed.  Here I can rise above that noise, find the quiet and peace of Jesus in my heart, and just BE.   This place with my Lord helps me to remember that.  I need to be reminded often...

There is no ulterior motive to nature.  It just is.  There is no ulterior motive to God.  Pure peace.  I never feel used.  I never feel judged.  I fit right in.  This is my heaven on earth.  This is my place of wonder, of blessing, of prayer, and of praise~alone or with my boys. 

May we always look at the world in wonder, my loves.  Many blessings, much peace, and joy to you all!