"The little child, when it sees a star sparkle, stretches out its dimpled arms; it wants that star. To want a star is the beautiful insanity of the young."
Countess de Gasparin
I went for a little jaunt on the bike path today to "jog out my yuckies", as I call it. Just an emotional day--which takes everything or nothing for me. Could be that father's day is coming up. Could be that we have another overwhelmingly busy weekend ahead. Could be that I have not yet caught up on sleep after the very busy weekend we just had in Fort Dodge at yet another baseball tournament. Could be that the boys were very crazy last night after said no sleep, getting up at 4:40 a.m. and working with preschoolers for ten hours (big thanks to the hubs for covering concession stand duty from 7 to close last night), not being able to sleep, then Griff deciding an early start to the day would be best for all of us (smile). Most likely it is just because I am thoroughly exhausted. I have no real reason to be so sad. Darn stupid depression. It doesn't make much sense...
Got some work done around the house, Marty got his errands run and took G to Carme's to get Griff's mullet taken care of (thanks, Carme girl, we love ya), then decided after lots of prayer and tears it was just time to get the shoes on and hit the pavement. Even though it seems daunting and just plain undo able when I'm in the throws of gray, I KNOW it always helps. And it did. God and sunshine. Nothing can beat it.
And in the middle of my body adjusting to a slow (very slow) rhythm of breathing and moving, I felt a softness all around me. It's a familiar softness and I know it to be God. I don't hear his voice like Moses in the days of old, but I feel him. He breathes with me through the wind in the trees, he reassures me through the sunshine filtering through the clouds, and for every nasty and ugly sin of reality (in the dead snakes and other animal carcass that occasional line my way, literally), he holds me in his arms as the air wraps around me and he lets me know that what ever happens, I will be okay because he is already there. Always and forever already there...
"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17
And I smile when I pass the bench the boys and I always have a little picnic snack on in the middle of our bike path adventures and think of them and the absolutely INSANE blessings they are to me. Unfathomable that I would be allowed so much joy in the form of two little boys. Too much for my heart and mind to understand, but I'll take it and never stop thanking God for blessing me so richly.
I smile as I see the tractor rolling through the fields and think of Griffyn as he always waves radically and exuberantly at the farmer plowing or planting~~and if we're close enough to be seen, the farmer smiles, slows down just a touch and waves back. G's smile takes up his entire face ."Tan you BEEWEEVE it, Momma? Dat farma dust waved at me! I tan't even beweeve it!!!". To my boy, farmers are rock stars. If he could, he'd ask for their autograph.
Then there's my Max who stops his bike ever few minutes just to take everything in. "Do you see that, Mom?" as he's surveying the small rolling hills of trees, greenery, tall grasses, "It's just so peaceful and beautiful!". We watch dragon flies for a small eternity, horses, the occasional weasel, ducks, hawks, gorgeous wild flowers, geese, all kinds of birds, butterflies, mice, and G actually likes snakes. Apparently they are quite friendly and just as curious as we are (he is the ultimate authority on all things slimy and creepy). G says, "Mom, don't sceem yike dat! He's dust saying hewwo and seeing what you doing." Yeah, G, I just don't feel much like talking to something that slithery. Then I am gently reminded that "Dod made snakes too, momma". Very true, my G...
One of my favorite little traditions is our 'butterfly blessings'. It started out when I was explaining one day to Max when he was a very little guy the miracle that butterflies are. They are so delicate and fragile and yet able to fly and sustain and survive. Some even migrate! They are rather miraculous to me. I further explained that they can help flowers grow by transferring pollen from one to the next from their "feet". Max looked up at me and said, "Butterflies are sure a blessing." And so our 'butterfly blessings' was born. Every single time we see a butterfly, we thank God for all of our blessings and name one specifically. There are usually lots of butterflies of all colors and sizes out on the bike path. Makes for lots of praising God and counting our blessings time. I haven't looked at a butterfly the same since...
So even when I get the luxury of being "alone" on the bike path (more now that Marty is around on my two days off a week), I think of my boys--and don't tell Marty this--but sometimes I even miss their company. Everything is a miracle to them. Intriguing, worth investigating, worth stopping for. This life holds such wonder for them--everything, from the smallest ant to the greatest tree, evokes wonder. I need that back. Because with this wonder comes the thankful heart of blessing~to be in awe, to be amazed, to be in wonder means you appreciate, you stop, you look, you listen~~you are aware and you are grounded in the very intrinsic reality that life holds miracles big and small for each and every one of us every single day. There is NO room to be anxious or have a case of the yucks in this state of mind.
And I pass some bachelor buttons (my favorite flowers next to daisies) and think of Grandpa Harold. I think of him often out here. Could be the farms, could be the flowers that remind me of the ones he and Grandma had on the farm and would put in mason jars for me to take home, could be the quiet that although it is so very soft and still is so strong--strong enough to carry me across bridges, gravel, and heart ache and back home again. All remind me of Grandpa. And I think of how I want my boys to be like him. And I hope I am doing a good job by them. And I pray some more. I pray a lot on this path. I can think clearly here by myself. I pray that God helps me to be a good mommy, wife, friend, sister, daughter, teacher, neighbor, servant, child of God and all the things God created me to be--that he would quiet the noise in my head and heart that makes me doubt my value compared to others, my place in this world where I often feel so ridiculed, weird, and snubbed. Here I can rise above that noise, find the quiet and peace of Jesus in my heart, and just BE. This place with my Lord helps me to remember that. I need to be reminded often...
There is no ulterior motive to nature. It just is. There is no ulterior motive to God. Pure peace. I never feel used. I never feel judged. I fit right in. This is my heaven on earth. This is my place of wonder, of blessing, of prayer, and of praise~alone or with my boys.
May we always look at the world in wonder, my loves. Many blessings, much peace, and joy to you all!
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