I shouldn't say slow down per say. Marty installed a ceiling fan in the boy's room as it has been getting much too hot in the evenings. I cleaned the house from top to bottom: bathrooms (my least favorite job in the whole world--let's be honest, boys are just gross sometimes--and I have 3 ;)), dusting, vacuuming, and laundry (and attempted to organize our "office"). As we are always gone, I haven't had any time to do this--so, although it was work, I enjoyed it. We were able to have some play time with our Tay (who G can not live more than two days without seeing) and Marty was able to hang out with some friends at the Cub's game tonight (and thankful my sister got to go as well--her first game). She's leaving in a few days for her adventure in New Hampshire and I would have hated for her to miss it. I missed being able to go out with my girls this evening (no sitter and husband gone--but didn't think I would be able to anyway due to a tournament--but still miss them)--but enjoyed a relaxing movie and popcorn night with the boys on our bedroom floor. Good times. Also had a baptismal run in the rain this morning. Continued as once I was wet, it really didn't matter. The house is now quiet, and the rain still falls...
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| Fun with Tay |
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| Who says picnics are just for sunny days? |
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| Let's just say it took more than five minutes. Awesome job, honey!!! |
Those of you who know me well or have read the postings I have shared, know that I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. I like to think I am getting "better" and as I get older, I'm able to let go more and actually "feel" what I KNOW and not just verbalize it to myself. What I'm saying is that I know what is going on in my head/heart isn't necessarily healthy or true, but it's one thing to get the brain part and quite another to get the heart part. The internal battles continue, but the connection happens :)! So, I was struck by a comment a neighbor said to me today that probably would have previously gone unnoticed by me--I would have just chalked it up to yet another one of my abnormalities and flaws and felt discouraged. She was asking if I would help with something for our 4th of July extravaganza (I love our small town! The fourth is one major party. So fun!) and then said that it would give me a reason to be at the park without having to really talk to people--since that's 'not my thing'. It hit me different this time, and I know she didn't mean anything hurtful by it, yet it made me feel like I need to walk around wearing a t-shirt explaining myself (ie defending myself).
I'd like to set something straight. It's not that I don't LIKE talking to people--I love people :). It's that I don't LIKE me or feel like I am on the same level--lower, much lower--and I feel awkward, silly, stupid, ugly, socially inept (and a plethora of other adjectives) around the human race. Like if I breathe wrong people will just be able to sense all of my crazy. I told this lovely friend that "I am getting a lot better at that now," and "thanks, but no thanks". For the first time, in a long time, I am going to the park to enjoy the festivities with my kids and friends. I'm introverted, yes, but not shy.
And then I began thinking of all the ways that I have been getting 'better' and began praising God in my heart instead of beating myself up. Each day is a new day, a bigger step towards the Sonshine (misspelling intentional :)).
And it's okay that I haven't been Miss Social my whole life (and may never be), but I don't want to be pigeon holed as someone who doesn't want to do anything because "it's not your thing". I really do, and I'm trying VERY hard--it just takes a lot of energy, strength, focus, and mental fortitude for me to do so. That's the thing about depression and anxiety--a lot of things that are easy for everyone else are a billion times harder for those of us that struggle with this. "My thing", as defined by my mind and feelings some days, would be to crawl under a rock and hide forever--but I can't do that. And moreover, no one "wants" it for themselves--these feelings that chain you up and won't let the real you out... You fight through it--and it's tiring, but you do it. And there are some days I just don't have it--and that's really okay too. I let God carry me those days. And by the grace of God, my amazing army of friends, my husband and my kids, I am able to be brave. I am not focusing on what I've missed (as that just spirals me down further), but what I'm gaining in the relationships I am building around me and God is granting me. It's been scary as the fear of not being accepted is so ominous, but knowing that I have such great love and acceptance at the core of my life makes that leap of faith all the more doable. Focusing my eyes on what God wants and expects of me takes my eyes off of what I perceive other people think I should be. Trust is also a major issue for me as, in my experience, I've attracted people in the past that have ulterior motives and "accept" me for what they can get or use from me. I've had to repeatedly learn that this is not acceptance and that if you constantly have to give to be liked, the friendship is not genuine. Friendship is soul uplifting, not sucking. Yes, at 36 I am just learning this. Better late than never? :)
I will never be a social butterfly who flits from here to there, and quite frankly, between 30 exhausting hours a week at work (that I love, but exhaustion is just the nature of my job :)), an insane amount of baseball, football, basketball (pick the season), two boys that couldn't be more polar opposite from each other, a husband that coaches and works and contributes to lots of meetings, I don't have the time. I don't think most mommies do. But now, when I am blessed with the opportunity to make new friends, try new things, or catch up with my girls, I can do it with a different levity than I had before (any levity beats the grey that was before). I have to be honest--I still feel judged and small and less than at times--but I also know that this is something that may not be projected by my company, but by my perception of myself. I fight through this because these relationships are worth it to me. I want them. I need them. And by golly, it's just fun to laugh and be with friends--without having a wonderfest of "am I good enough for these beautiful people?" going on inside my head and heart. And I don't have to be good enough. I just have to be the creation God made--major quirks and all. That is enough. :)
So, I just wanted to say thank you, on this rainy, rainy day--to all of my girls who know me and put up with and love me. I love you with all my heart (or butt, as Jess likes to say :)). You have no idea what your acceptance and support and encouragement and solidarity mean to me. I thank you for your patience when I need space and your understanding when I smother you ;). Thank you for sharing your light, your faith, your sunshine with this soul. You all make me want to be the person I want to be, and give me the guts to do so. The inspiring blessing of true friendship is not lost on this woman. As Emerson said, "The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship." Amen.
And my kids. I seriously can NOT believe that God has granted me such love. I get to come home to those knock down hugs, blow me away kisses, and cuddles and "I lub you's" and "I love you's" (I have two children and one with a speech impediment he's sure to outgrow soon :)) every single day. This ginormous blessing is not lost on this momma. God has made all of my dreams come true. Even the ones I didn't know I had!
And my husband. Yes, we struggle, and yes, we argue, and yes, we drive each other crazy (okay, to the brink of insanity ;))--but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he will ALWAYS be there for me and wants what's best for me--even if we disagree on what that 'best' is. I love you, honey. Even when I don't like you ;). And I know you feel the same about me. You never let me go--even when I throw my tantrums and want to run away. You hold me through the melt downs and let me know that after it's all over, you are still standing right next to me. And that amazing blessing is also not lost on this wife.
So now I will go back to snuggling with my sleeping boys and praying for a safe return for my husband. And my heart will continue to be blessed as creation is the rain...
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| Movie night and snuggles with mommy... |
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