On Being Eeyore...

Got up at 4:45 a.m. today to run.  Marty had class and had to leave quite early.  It was my only shot as it was supposed to be so hot and I didn't want to take the boys out in the heat on the bike path.  Wasn't that hot of a day.  Weather people.  Only job where you can consistently be wrong and not get fired.  Good grief.  Was crabby and grouchy and tired all day.  Worked in infants for ten hours the day before at the crack of dawn, so back to back days of no sleep (heck, weeks!) just didn't gel with my mind, soul, and body today.  So, I do what I do and cleaned the house and baked with the boys and decided against the pool plans we had made as seclusion seemed the better deal with my case of the gloomy grumpies.  The boys relaxed, played Wii, read, played Lego's, and helped me make peanut butter, caramel, cheerio bars and j-ello.  Exciting, yes? ;) 
Reorganized some things in an attempt to get rid of some of the clutter that has taken over the house.  My husband is a pack rat.  He has a lot of stuff for the sake of "someday" and "maybe" and "possibly" and "just in case".  I am a what ever the word is for 'not a lot of stuff' kind of person and it drives me crazy (go ahead and say it honey, "what doesn't?" ;)).  I get overwhelmed by great quantities of junk, for lack of a better word, and it sends my OCD into a panic attack and frenzy.  Mess is just insanity.  Things need to be neat and tidy to make sense, in my world.  Be calm and throw away...  Nothing important, of course.  
Griff was on a rampage today.  The boys played well, but they also fought well.  G knows what buttons to push on Max--and especially the BIG, BRIGHT, RED ones--called germs.  He was mercilessly teasing him with germs of all kinds today.  I got irritated with them both. 
At the moment, Max is taking a break from G and playing catch with Daddy in the back yard, Griffyn is watching "Max and Ruby" and demanding ice cream.  I've said "no" at least a thousand times and he has asked me "why" at least a thousand more in response.  Apparently "because I said so" and "you just had dinner" aren't good enough reasons to suppress his incessant questioning mind... 
Hoping to get to the pool tomorrow as it's supposed to reach 100 degrees.  Max has baseball practice.  Tourney's this weekend, race pick up and the fun run for the 4th.  I get overwhelmed way too easily.  Blessed (thank you Lord!!!) to get the EA from work tomorrow, so I don't have to worry about finding care for the boys (thank you, Abby, for volunteering to keep G all day and to my mom for offering to pick up Max in the afternoon from my work).  Thankfully I get to stay home as Marty has to leave at 6:40 a.m. as it is.  God is good.  Little blessings are sometimes the biggest!
My children need to go to bed early.  I seem to have no patience today.  It's just plain gone and no amount of chamomile tea or ibuprofen is bringing it back.  I should just admit defeat.  And maybe get some of that ice cream G's been begging for!
Max's stomach aches are still running rampant.  Especially before bed, when he has to calm down and stop--and his mind begins to solely focus on his thoughts without distraction.  He knows it's anxiety.  The mind and body connection--stinks for some of us.  The past few months have been terrible and I'm going to call myself out as a terrible parent here and admit that some days I've just had enough.  I had the same issues as a kid--but life at "home" sucked--like a nightmare.  Max has a great life (I would almost say spoiled).  Yet, he has anxiety and the panic and the OCD.  On the bright side, maybe I would have been this messed up either way?!?  HA!  Then I blame myself.  He's obviously gotten it from me.  Damn genetics!  It's my fault and I feel terrible.  I just try to smile, hug him, not get frustrated at the irrationality of it all (because I KNOW how VERY real it feels), and reassure him that he is the absolute most amazing and best kid ever (cause he IS :))!  After all this, I ask him to go write in his journal and pray.  That seems to be our best recourse for reconnecting to calm at this point.
Then there's my G, otherwise knows as the Tasmanian Devil.  The kid has to be reminded a billion times to go and wash his hands after he uses the bathroom--usually by his big brother.  Grilling out at my mom's last night (who lives in a nice condo association in Norwalk), he tells me he has to go potty.  I tell him to 'go then'.  Next thing I know, I turn around and he's peeing on Grandma and Grandpa's front lawn.  "You betta not step on dat pot right dare, Momma, tause dat's where I pee'd".  Awesome.  He is LOUD, and CRAZY, and never EVER stops moving.  He is so skinny because sitting still to eat requires, well, sitting still--and he just can't do it.  He is exuberance on crack.  He has me laughing one minute and wanted to put him in a kennel the next (really, we have a time out rug and NOT a kennel--yet ;)).  He is naughty smart and his latest saying is (right after I tell him NOT to do something), "Momma, don't yook at me!".  Let me just say, if you hear those words--ya better look!!!
One emotionally drains me and the other physically wears me down.  At the end of the day, I feel like I have nothing left.  Then there's my three 10 hour work days with my kids at the center and a husband who is often MIA.  By Thursday I am completely spent.  I often feel sick and wonder how I make the drive home with my eyeballs open.  I have a very blessed life that I dearly and truly love--I'm just tired through 99 percent of it.  Yes, I take lots and lots and lots of vitamins and protein shakes are my new best friend--but still tired.  So tired, I can't sleep.  Irony at it's best in motherhood, eh?  I know most of us are in the same tired ass boat without a paddle--or we had one and can't remember what in the world we did with it ;)!

My four year old is throwing a screaming tantrum for Daddy and my nine year old is taking another shower.  Maybe I should switch from tea to wine ;).  And then I am reminded that God does not give us more than we can handle~moreover, what he can HELP us handle.  At times I feel like a post traumatic stress disorder victim and I just wants to throw my hands up in the air and shout--"I've paid my dues!  Seriously, wasn't half my life enough?!?" and then I realize I'm throwing a temper tantrum of my own.  God's will is perfect.  His timing spot on.  His plan for each of our lives flawless.  When did I so selfishly lose sight of this?!?  Oh yes, when I was wining like a toddler for everything to be easy and go my way because somehow I'd 'earned' it already.  How frustrated God must get with me.  He must want to shout down from heaven, "How many blessings must I give you, daughter, before you will TRUST my faithfulness to you?!?".  Thanks be to God that he is so merciful!!!

Still hoping for that early bedtime ;).  And maybe, just maybe, sitting next to my husband and relaxing (okay, so I'll fall asleep, but at least we'll be together).  G needs a bath and his favorite Lego guy jammies (not sure if the favorite is Star Wars or Batman tonight, so I will retrieve both just to be safe :)).  Max has his reading done for the day and bedtime snacks are done.  So all that's left is stories and prayers (and enduring the stalling process ;)).  Griff gets more creative with age.  He needs a "dwink" another story, another "tiss and hug", another song, to change the color on his bee constellation night light, his favorite blanket on/and then off two seconds later, to find out what that "saddow" is on the wall, to pray one more time--and on, and on, and on and on...
And I'm told someday I will miss this.  I know I will.  Just not today.  Today, I want quiet and I want my bed and I want to feel 36 and not 90.  And I will NOT be getting up after 4 a.m. to run tomorrow.  Sorry.  It seemed to have ruined my day ;). 

I will choose instead to "sleep in" till a little after six (when ever Marty wakes me up to get ready for class) and wallow in the fluffiness of my pillows and blankets until I hear the pitter patter and thud, thud, thud of Griffyn's feet running into my room to wake me with a huge kiss (even if I am awake, I close my eyes tight as he is convinced it is his kiss alone that wakes me :)).  And I will make scrambled eggs and cinnamon toast and eat it all without worrying about the calories, the fact I didn't run, and that I will be putting on a swim suit to take the boys to the pool.  And I will be happy.  I will be very, very happy...

Love, peace, and smiles on this journey, friends!  For wherever we go is where we were meant to be!