That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse...

“O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.

That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.” 

~Walt Whitman~Leaves of Grass

 

peace

 

I come to this passage from Walt often in my life.  It speaks so simply and clearly of the anguish of questioned purpose and gives such an inspired answer to that question.  It takes me back to quieter, although not simpler, days at Simpson College--when I had more time to read, to soak in words.  Even now they are a sustenance as great as food.  And here I am again, reading "Leaves Of Grass" while Griffyn rests and exhaling some of the heaviness of the week...

Ahhhh, the work week is done.  A long, exhausting, emotional, stressful, completely spent and pushed past my limit work week is done!  Being bounced from here to there with the flexibility of a gymnast is not easy for this 36 year old running on fumes--and then to find my "schedule" was yet to change again.  For this girl who likes structure and needs some predictability in my hours for this family that is so busy to function, I am in the wrong profession!  If it weren't for my sisters at work and the good Lord above, I just may succumb to that cubicle once again! :)
Last night was spent in prayer.  No sleep.  Too many friends and loved ones tackling big issues, health concerns, and struggles.  I began to ask the question, through tears, that has become Griffyn's question of the day--Why does our God let such horrible, rotten things happen to such good people and continue to prosper such horrible, rotten people?  I grab my Bible and am reminded that God has a plan (he has a plan, he has a plan, he has a plan--repeat 1,000 times) and that his timing is as perfect as his plan, however painful and brutal it may seem now.  I am reminded and cling to this for some sense of peace and comfort.  And yet I feel helpless because I just want to fix everything.  And I can't.  Not even close.  And I feel overwhelmed and a bit hopeless, although as Christians we never are--yet I feel it--face buried in wet pillow...

"We must never forget that we are children of God who rely on the incomparable power of God to see us through to the end!"

Incomparable power.  Wow.  With God, we are kind of like super heroes.  What ever we must face, we have the most powerful and greatest companion in the Lord almighty fighting right along with us.  I feel Jesus lifting me up and coaxing my face out of that pillow...

And there will ALWAYS be those people.  You know who I mean--THOSE people--who ware on your soul, suck your spirit, and just make you feel plain yucky.  I get so mad at myself for wasting a second of frustration or despair on these people.  One less second of joy.  And I wonder what it is about myself that has such trouble letting go and somehow just passing gracefully over these speed bumps of negativity, lies, and deceit? 
In all reality, I truly tire of being nice.  There, I said it.  I just get really, really tired of taking it over and over again.  I want to say something mean.  I want to just walk away and never have to "deal" again.  Why, or Lord, why?  I give myself the pep talk of "showing love in the face of selfishness and thoughtlessness, shining the light of God, being a good example, turning the other cheek" when I just want to cry, walk away, and scream, "I hate you and leave me alone!". 
My angst?  That there is no visible repercussions for these people.  God isn't smiting them (come on Lord, smite away!!!).  They continue to hurt and harm at their leisure and I just get so tired of it.  It's difficult for me to find the balance between being a child of God and getting so physically and emotionally drained that I am left questioning if I can bear another second of it.  Thankfully, it is not by OUR strength--but by HIS.    I will concentrate on being the best me he created me to be--and there will be those people that always have a problem with that--where my "me" will never be good enough or respected.  But they are not God, nor do I stand in judgement of them.  And God reminds me, "Do not be deceived.  God cannot be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows." Galatians 6:7  So I must be forever mindful of the crop I am yielding and spend less time fretting over theirs.

"So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?'"  Hebrews 13:6
Amen!

And we continue to walk, to do and to be who God created us to be in the midst of a world that is full of chaos and turmoil.  And I find peace in the little things.  In baking bread with my four year old today.  In doing the laundry--and finding comfort in the smells of freshly washed sheets and blankets amidst the smell of fresh bread coming out of the oven.  In realizing purpose.  However small or large that purpose is for the day, it is there.  If nothing else than to create and experience joy with my boys and give them a safe place to just be.  To be fully present during a walk in the beauty of His nature, the simple happiness of playing with a neighbor's new puppy (this time the boys want a mini Yorkie thanks to Mia), painting, writing notes to friends, and even getting those bills paid and organized.  I am thankful, I am grateful, I am blessed.  And if I have to shout out loud to banish those feelings of anger and insecurity or having to prove myself to someone I will never be respected by, I will.  I will just use my words, as I tell my preschool children, and tell those thoughts and feelings that they are not welcome and must go away.  There is no place for them here in this short life!

"The adversary will tempt you to doubt, to hold back, to think 'We're not going to make it!'.  Relax.  Always remember that God's unusual plan ends with a rainbow of new HOPE!"  and no one's stepping on my rainbow! :)

And again God calls us to love.  That love is such hard work sometimes--that authentic love.  "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.  Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.  Each one should use whatever gifts he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in various forms."  So I will get up, use my gifts - however small they may be- and do my part in this great big world.  Because I am able, because I can, because that's what God has called me to do...

And I will continue to pray and do my best to quiet my heart and be still before the Lord and be patient with his perfect timing.  I will take care of this heart and soul he gave me and not cast my "pearls before swine", or get trampled under the tongue of someone who is always stirring up hate and anger. I will rise above, not by my own means, but by the hands of God who tells us to "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."  1 Peter 5:6-7  God can take it.  He can take it all.  And he cares so deeply for all of us.  Even in the midst of pain that makes you question it. 

I will continue to pray and do the things that God created this heart to do and be at peace with my place and space in this world.  I will through His will. 

Peace and love and JOY to you all, friends.  Much, much joy!  And may we all, ever so graciously, contribute our verse!



In Max's Shoes

Can not believe that school is just around the corner and summer will soon be over.  I knew it would go by quickly, but not THIS fast, right?!?  My youngest is starting preschool and my oldest will be in a different building for 4th and 5th grade AND is turning ten very shortly.  Again, I am amazed at how quickly the time has flown by.  I think the nine months I was pregnant with each of them went more slowly then these past years ;)!

And they're growing up so very, very fast.  And last night I was re-reminded about just how hard and painful that growing up can be...

Max has been going through a bit of a slump lately.  He has been telling me he feels 'fat', 'slow', and that he will 'never be a good athlete'.  I wasn't quite sure where all of this was coming from at the tender age of almost ten, but I always try to be his biggest cheerleader--especially when he's feeling down in the dumps.  I try to encourage him and remind him that not everyone is the same and it is those differences that are to be celebrated and that just as long as you try your best, your best is ALWAYS good enough for this momma and his daddy.  Being an athlete doesn't mean you have to win a gold medal or always come first.  It's your heart, your drive, your tenacity and your willingness to never give up--oh yeah, and it's supposed to be FUN too!  Hasn't really been working.  Giving myself a big ole "F" on my parenting report card!!! 
So we've started jogging together (he's excited to run for our friend, Nicole, in the Katie's Crusaders race this October) and going on more family walks and just playing more (although I pale in comparison to playing baseball, basketball or football with Daddy ;)--I still try :)).  In short, I'm just trying to spend more time with him--and time spent with Max is usually active (okay, so I'll just admit that video games stress me out and I stink at Mario ;)).  I'll take outside over playing and losing hair over Wii ;).
So on our jog/walk last night, he asked if he could share something with me--and as always, I said "always".  He got really quiet and put his head down and said he didn't want me to be mad at anybody (always a good sign, right? ;)).  I told him I might be upset if it was something that wasn't right or hurt him, but I would openly listen without getting angry.  He proceeded to tell me about a few experiences he had over this summer and things he'd over heard someone say in front of him and in reference to him that explained so much of why he has been feeling the way he has been feeling.  Yes, it completely broke my heart and hell yes, I wanted to punch this person in the face--or at least give this woman a phone call.  It also broke my heart for what she was teaching and modeling for her own children.  I felt myself tense up and my fists clench a bit.  In my mind was the whisper from God, "use this as a teachable moment, Angie--do not react in anger--turn this into something positive..." 
Deep breath, Momma.  First, I had to reiterate to Max that Mom and Dad love him for who he is with all our hearts (and Griff does too-however annoying he may be ;)).  You are NOT fat, and you are no less of an athlete because your feet are bigger or your bones don't stick out of your body.  You are you--perfect just as God made you.  And anyone else who doesn't honor or respect that or see you that way isn't seeing with the right eyes (what in the world has happened to RESPECT or humanity these days--goodness!!!).
The most important part of who we are is our soul and that is WHO we are--this outside stuff is just outside stuff.  And yes, we do need to take care of our bodies as they are the temples of our souls--but our value is not a number on a scale or how fast our feet run or how great of "an athlete" someone else deems us to be.  This life is not a sport's competition where the winner has sufficiently beaten down everyone else for the sheer sake of beating everyone else--to gloat and brag.  God doesn't really care about any of that.  It's about the light we shine and the difference we can make--the forever difference...  THAT is what we should spend and consume our time being concerned about!  Never in a million years would I have thought I'd be having this discussion with my son! 
I also told him there are far worse things than being "fat"--or what someone else perceives "fat" to be for you, their children, or themselves.  Far, FAR worse things...  Like mean or selfish or thoughtless...  "Yeah, those things are really, really bad."  Max said.  And I again apologized that that ADULT made him feel that way and said those things without ever once thinking how hurtful it would be to my son--because when you are that self absorbed, of course it wouldn't even cross your mind.  And although I have been told several times by this person that "no one can MAKE you feel" a certain way--our words DO indeed have consequences--so we need to be careful and take some responsibility for how we use them.  God doesn't call the tongue a double edged sword without reason. 
I shared with him that this person had also hurt me with things that have been said along those very same lines for years while knowing I was struggling with my own issues (if nothing else to show that grown ups get hurt too and to validate his feelings), but we have to use these experiences to make us better people and to try even harder to shine that light that God gave us.  And as a parent I was reminded how much LOUDER our parenting voices of love and encouragement have to be as our voices need to drown out all the other junk our children hear from outside voices that can so easily drag them down.  I thanked God for this reminder and Max and I continued to talk about some other things that were on his mind. 
Today, I'm trying to let go of the anger and the desire to call this woman and tell her just what I think once and for all (real nice of me, right?)--but I know in years of dealing with this enigma that is never really addressed or even perceived and often commended--it won't do any good--just get me angry, get me called 'jealous' again, and really just waste my time and drain a bit more of my spirit.  And who needs that?  So, I will continue to try with everything in me to be the Mom I need to be for my sons and we will continue our jogs, our family walks, our healthy eating and spend just as much time on our prayers, talks with God and time in the word and showing kindness to others--because the development of our hearts and our souls is just as important as the development of our athletic, or not so athletic, bodies--and only one is eternal. 
I will end with this quote from Pablo Casals that has always been a favorite of mine and initially inspired me to be a teacher and to also always strive to be a better parent...

"Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again...  And what do we teach our children?  We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France.  When will we also teach them what they are?...  We should say to each of them:  Do you know what you are?  YOU are a MARVEL.  You are unique.  In all the years that have passed, there has NEVER been another child like you.  Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move.  You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven...You have the capacity for ANYTHING.  Yes, you are a marvel.  And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel.  You must work--we all must work--to make the world worthy of its children."

And may we ALL look at each other as the marvels that God created us to be!

In love and peace, friends...  and blessings and love to all of our little (getting bigger every day) ones :)!

For when I am weak, then I am strong...

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline." 

2 Timothy 1:7

What an emotional roller coaster these past few months have been--not to mention the very missed presence of sleep to refuel.  Vacation, crammed into a few short days when we usually have a full week to relax and take in the sights (was great being able to sneak in some time to see my brother and his wife in Madison :)).  Iowa City visit for the boys, followed by Griffyn coming home with a 103 temp and a fever virus that lasted another week.  My sister and Harold came to visit in the midst of all of this, and I feel like we didn't get to see them much.  Marty's family also had a reunion of sorts with most of the family being from here.  In all this, I didn't have time to take time off of work, and those 30 hours a week in the middle of everything else were somewhat brutal.  I felt like I missed a lot of special time with my sister, made more difficult by the fact that she will not be able to make it back for Christmas this year.  Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed which leads me to feeling a bit moody, agitated, bitter, frustrated, and sad.  Lots of fun to be around :)!
And my baby is turning ten in a few weeks.  Getting his invites together and so proud of him for what he has chosen to do this year.  He doesn't want to draw attention to it and would rather keep it a secret, so I will honor his request.  White Sox themed baseball party and he wants to do a sleepover.  Gulp.  Grilling out, playing baseball, and I have secured a White Sox jersey pinata.  Then school starts.  Crazy how fast this summer has gone by.  Insanely crazy.  And how old am I that I will have ten year old soon?  Really?!?  My reflection in the mirror tells me that yes, this is possible, but it doesn't seem all that long ago we were watching "Thomas The Train" together and his favorite things were trains, bubbles, and butterflies...
And I find myself struggling and floundering a bit.  I love being a mom.  I love my job and I have the most amazing friends, despite the fact that we hardly ever get to see or talk to one another unless we work together, and I know my blessings are more than I deserve.  Yet sometimes I just feel so very alone in all of this hullabaloo of life--keeping my head above water--just trying to keep up at best.  It takes a lot of work for this momma just to maintain mediocrity. 
This weekend was a nice little respite.  We were HOME!  Yay!  Doesn't happen often.  No make up, wore nothing presentable, and started laundry (which sneakily multiplies if I miss but one day).  Read with Max for an hour, watched a movie with the boys (Julia Roberts version of "Snow White"--whimsically lovely), grilled out, organized the play room, worked on the grandparent's photo book for Christmas for hours on end, and organized some more.  Nice to be home and able to do those things. 
And in all this crazy the past few months, my migraines have become just ridiculous.  If I don't have a full on migraine, it's a constant headache--I go to bed with them and wake up with them.  Kind of getting used to it now.  But it doesn't help with my crabbiness.  I know that the lack of sleep isn't helping, but I feel like I could literally sleep for days and who has time for that?
The boys are doing well.  Although there are often big and little things that make me feel like an absolute failure as a mother, and I constantly pray that God will help me and give me the patience I need to be the mom my boys need--and both seem to need very different pieces from me.  I need to listen better, more, and dare I say, 'for real' (not just peppering the conversations with "uh hu" and "that's nice).  I need to be more present and in the moment for them.  I come home from a day of tattling, being disrespected by certain children and their parents, teaching, helping, giving--and sometimes I just want to sit down and shut down.  Not a choice, nor should it be.  They deserve my everything.  And God gives us the strength to do all things.  But there are times, frequently, that I fail and feel so terrible that the mere sound of my kid's voice drives me so batty and I say something stupid like, "Can you just not need something for five minutes please?" when all Max wants to do is talk to me about this really cool game or character, in great detail, that he invented today.  I want him to know that he can always come to me with anything--ANYTHING--because I know if I don't listen and be present now, he will come to me less and less.  Driving home (trying to keep my eyes open and stay in the right lane), I give myself the talk--I will make myself some tea, ask about their day, take a quick shower, and be ON.  Sometimes it happens, and sometimes I end up making dinner and we eat in the living room while watching TV.  How does every other mom do it so much better?

 
And marriage.  I love my husband.  I do.  But I tell ya, it's hard.  It's very hard.  You start out as these people, and you become these other people, and so many changes come along.  And yet some things don't change (despite thinking after we have this one baby this will be different--to surely after having TWO this will be different), so you have to adapt, change, grow, fall apart and build yourself up again--and it's all just quite exhausting--fighting to keep your identity while also trying to keep your spouse happy.  They say that life is a balancing act.  Marriage often feels like that tightrope, minus the safety net.  Hans Christian Anderson said that 'life is the greatest fairy tale'.  He failed to mention, however, all the blood, sweat and tears that go into that happily ever after. 

I never really imagined myself to be anywhere specifically in my late thirties--I was too busy just trying to survive to imagine my future in any intricate detail--so I haven't fallen short of any preconceived goals.  But I will be blatantly honest and say that I had imagined love to be different--I blame British movies ("A Room With A View") and Jane Austen novels.  And I'm not expecting anything over the top romantic brimming with roses and poetry...  I just want something stemming from respect -- for who I am and who I am really trying hard to be.  I want someone to look at me and say "wow, I'm really proud of you--you are one incredible person" over "you're pretty, you complete me, your eyes are mirrors to my soul" and all that other mushy none sense (although I'd take that too if it was said in sincerity ;)).  I don't want someone to come and constantly point out all my flaws and how I can and should change them.  Trust me, I am painfully aware, and I don't believe there is any quick fix to anything about me, as annoying as that is to many people.  I am a human being, completely fallible and totally aware of all my "messed up"-ness--I don't need that held over my head or used against me.  My thoughts and feelings are still valid weather you understand them or not.  And I don't even expect understanding at this point in my life.  Just respect.  Even if you "don't get it", love me enough to respect this is me and my situation right now.  I may look like a walking disaster, but I'm pretty damn proud of this person God has put through the fire and made new.  I've worked hard to be this "mess" you see before you--and will have to respectfully agree to disagree about who this person should be.  "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12:9 
And so much about the "toughness" of marriage isn't even about the two of you.  There's all kinds of other people and family that get involved--and as hard as you may try to put that aside in some way--it's there.  I try to remind myself that these persons don't mean to do what they do or may not even realize it, but after years and years and years and history repeating itself from one family to the next, it's hard to use that excuse.  At some point, a person should learn.  I don't want my children to be around toxic people and I would love to be able to avoid them altogether myself--if only it were that easy.  This kind of stress literally makes me sick.  It's that learned helplessness where you are trapped in the realization that nothing will ever change and that you can't reason with crazy or dishonesty--so no amount of talking will help.  And it makes me resentful that after all the crap I've had to deal with in my life time, I still have to eat crap and smile.  Yes, a very ungracious attitude on my part.  I grow tired of people not having to be held accountable for their words or actions and when faced with them denying them or spewing out more lies and excuses with a flood gate of tears.  There is no "winning" in this situation.  And I am constantly reminded by 1 Peter 3:8-9, "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing."  So I attempt to take this as a teachable moment (after moment after moment).  It takes its toll as my defences go up and I have to guard my heart and mind and protect what is dear to me--the ugliest person to me is the person who is only out for themselves and attention--no matter how they have to get it.  But God calls us to harmony, so the good fight must be fought (with breaks in between as you'd have to commit me--I am only human).  And after having your name smeared so many times and having so many lies said about you, this verse comes to mind, "For it is God's will that by doing good, you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men."  1 Peter 2:15.  Keep on keeping on, is what Peter is saying.  He is reminding us to never tire of doing good.  We do it for Him, we do it for Him...

Life would be so much easier if we could all just be kind, respectful, and think of others before ourselves.  But it's a selfish, manipulative and greedy world out there.  Trying to do your best in raising your kids, keeping close to God, and keeping your marriage grounded in faith and love is a daily task--daunting at times--but doable.  Trying to keep all the other muck and mire out of it is at times very essential--other times unavoidable, but that is when you put on that full armor of God and plug away for "There is no other god who can rescue like this!" Daniel 3:29. 
And I am encouraged by the truth that God knows we are not perfect--he knows us better than anyone--before we were even a breath on this earth, he knew us.  And it is for that imperfection that he sent his one and only son to die for us.  Who loves you more than that?!?  And I know that I want to live my life in a way that honor's that sacrifice and it is only by walking close to God that I can even begin to scratch the surface of what that means and all that entails.  And in the end, we all are held accountable.  Nothing is hidden from God.  This makes letting go of all the injustice I see a little easier.  I can take a deep breath, do what I can, and then just let go.  God's created the world, he can certainly handle this mess of life. 
"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13  I don't want my heart to harden by being overwhelmed with all the very tough stuff--so I will make a joyful noise unto the Lord, praise his name, life up my hands, and thank him for his blessings.  Put one foot in front of the other, hug my boys, tell my husband I love him, and continue fighting the good fight of faith--today and everyday, for as long as I live... 

Peace and love, friends...