For when I am weak, then I am strong...

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline." 

2 Timothy 1:7

What an emotional roller coaster these past few months have been--not to mention the very missed presence of sleep to refuel.  Vacation, crammed into a few short days when we usually have a full week to relax and take in the sights (was great being able to sneak in some time to see my brother and his wife in Madison :)).  Iowa City visit for the boys, followed by Griffyn coming home with a 103 temp and a fever virus that lasted another week.  My sister and Harold came to visit in the midst of all of this, and I feel like we didn't get to see them much.  Marty's family also had a reunion of sorts with most of the family being from here.  In all this, I didn't have time to take time off of work, and those 30 hours a week in the middle of everything else were somewhat brutal.  I felt like I missed a lot of special time with my sister, made more difficult by the fact that she will not be able to make it back for Christmas this year.  Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed which leads me to feeling a bit moody, agitated, bitter, frustrated, and sad.  Lots of fun to be around :)!
And my baby is turning ten in a few weeks.  Getting his invites together and so proud of him for what he has chosen to do this year.  He doesn't want to draw attention to it and would rather keep it a secret, so I will honor his request.  White Sox themed baseball party and he wants to do a sleepover.  Gulp.  Grilling out, playing baseball, and I have secured a White Sox jersey pinata.  Then school starts.  Crazy how fast this summer has gone by.  Insanely crazy.  And how old am I that I will have ten year old soon?  Really?!?  My reflection in the mirror tells me that yes, this is possible, but it doesn't seem all that long ago we were watching "Thomas The Train" together and his favorite things were trains, bubbles, and butterflies...
And I find myself struggling and floundering a bit.  I love being a mom.  I love my job and I have the most amazing friends, despite the fact that we hardly ever get to see or talk to one another unless we work together, and I know my blessings are more than I deserve.  Yet sometimes I just feel so very alone in all of this hullabaloo of life--keeping my head above water--just trying to keep up at best.  It takes a lot of work for this momma just to maintain mediocrity. 
This weekend was a nice little respite.  We were HOME!  Yay!  Doesn't happen often.  No make up, wore nothing presentable, and started laundry (which sneakily multiplies if I miss but one day).  Read with Max for an hour, watched a movie with the boys (Julia Roberts version of "Snow White"--whimsically lovely), grilled out, organized the play room, worked on the grandparent's photo book for Christmas for hours on end, and organized some more.  Nice to be home and able to do those things. 
And in all this crazy the past few months, my migraines have become just ridiculous.  If I don't have a full on migraine, it's a constant headache--I go to bed with them and wake up with them.  Kind of getting used to it now.  But it doesn't help with my crabbiness.  I know that the lack of sleep isn't helping, but I feel like I could literally sleep for days and who has time for that?
The boys are doing well.  Although there are often big and little things that make me feel like an absolute failure as a mother, and I constantly pray that God will help me and give me the patience I need to be the mom my boys need--and both seem to need very different pieces from me.  I need to listen better, more, and dare I say, 'for real' (not just peppering the conversations with "uh hu" and "that's nice).  I need to be more present and in the moment for them.  I come home from a day of tattling, being disrespected by certain children and their parents, teaching, helping, giving--and sometimes I just want to sit down and shut down.  Not a choice, nor should it be.  They deserve my everything.  And God gives us the strength to do all things.  But there are times, frequently, that I fail and feel so terrible that the mere sound of my kid's voice drives me so batty and I say something stupid like, "Can you just not need something for five minutes please?" when all Max wants to do is talk to me about this really cool game or character, in great detail, that he invented today.  I want him to know that he can always come to me with anything--ANYTHING--because I know if I don't listen and be present now, he will come to me less and less.  Driving home (trying to keep my eyes open and stay in the right lane), I give myself the talk--I will make myself some tea, ask about their day, take a quick shower, and be ON.  Sometimes it happens, and sometimes I end up making dinner and we eat in the living room while watching TV.  How does every other mom do it so much better?

 
And marriage.  I love my husband.  I do.  But I tell ya, it's hard.  It's very hard.  You start out as these people, and you become these other people, and so many changes come along.  And yet some things don't change (despite thinking after we have this one baby this will be different--to surely after having TWO this will be different), so you have to adapt, change, grow, fall apart and build yourself up again--and it's all just quite exhausting--fighting to keep your identity while also trying to keep your spouse happy.  They say that life is a balancing act.  Marriage often feels like that tightrope, minus the safety net.  Hans Christian Anderson said that 'life is the greatest fairy tale'.  He failed to mention, however, all the blood, sweat and tears that go into that happily ever after. 

I never really imagined myself to be anywhere specifically in my late thirties--I was too busy just trying to survive to imagine my future in any intricate detail--so I haven't fallen short of any preconceived goals.  But I will be blatantly honest and say that I had imagined love to be different--I blame British movies ("A Room With A View") and Jane Austen novels.  And I'm not expecting anything over the top romantic brimming with roses and poetry...  I just want something stemming from respect -- for who I am and who I am really trying hard to be.  I want someone to look at me and say "wow, I'm really proud of you--you are one incredible person" over "you're pretty, you complete me, your eyes are mirrors to my soul" and all that other mushy none sense (although I'd take that too if it was said in sincerity ;)).  I don't want someone to come and constantly point out all my flaws and how I can and should change them.  Trust me, I am painfully aware, and I don't believe there is any quick fix to anything about me, as annoying as that is to many people.  I am a human being, completely fallible and totally aware of all my "messed up"-ness--I don't need that held over my head or used against me.  My thoughts and feelings are still valid weather you understand them or not.  And I don't even expect understanding at this point in my life.  Just respect.  Even if you "don't get it", love me enough to respect this is me and my situation right now.  I may look like a walking disaster, but I'm pretty damn proud of this person God has put through the fire and made new.  I've worked hard to be this "mess" you see before you--and will have to respectfully agree to disagree about who this person should be.  "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12:9 
And so much about the "toughness" of marriage isn't even about the two of you.  There's all kinds of other people and family that get involved--and as hard as you may try to put that aside in some way--it's there.  I try to remind myself that these persons don't mean to do what they do or may not even realize it, but after years and years and years and history repeating itself from one family to the next, it's hard to use that excuse.  At some point, a person should learn.  I don't want my children to be around toxic people and I would love to be able to avoid them altogether myself--if only it were that easy.  This kind of stress literally makes me sick.  It's that learned helplessness where you are trapped in the realization that nothing will ever change and that you can't reason with crazy or dishonesty--so no amount of talking will help.  And it makes me resentful that after all the crap I've had to deal with in my life time, I still have to eat crap and smile.  Yes, a very ungracious attitude on my part.  I grow tired of people not having to be held accountable for their words or actions and when faced with them denying them or spewing out more lies and excuses with a flood gate of tears.  There is no "winning" in this situation.  And I am constantly reminded by 1 Peter 3:8-9, "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing."  So I attempt to take this as a teachable moment (after moment after moment).  It takes its toll as my defences go up and I have to guard my heart and mind and protect what is dear to me--the ugliest person to me is the person who is only out for themselves and attention--no matter how they have to get it.  But God calls us to harmony, so the good fight must be fought (with breaks in between as you'd have to commit me--I am only human).  And after having your name smeared so many times and having so many lies said about you, this verse comes to mind, "For it is God's will that by doing good, you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men."  1 Peter 2:15.  Keep on keeping on, is what Peter is saying.  He is reminding us to never tire of doing good.  We do it for Him, we do it for Him...

Life would be so much easier if we could all just be kind, respectful, and think of others before ourselves.  But it's a selfish, manipulative and greedy world out there.  Trying to do your best in raising your kids, keeping close to God, and keeping your marriage grounded in faith and love is a daily task--daunting at times--but doable.  Trying to keep all the other muck and mire out of it is at times very essential--other times unavoidable, but that is when you put on that full armor of God and plug away for "There is no other god who can rescue like this!" Daniel 3:29. 
And I am encouraged by the truth that God knows we are not perfect--he knows us better than anyone--before we were even a breath on this earth, he knew us.  And it is for that imperfection that he sent his one and only son to die for us.  Who loves you more than that?!?  And I know that I want to live my life in a way that honor's that sacrifice and it is only by walking close to God that I can even begin to scratch the surface of what that means and all that entails.  And in the end, we all are held accountable.  Nothing is hidden from God.  This makes letting go of all the injustice I see a little easier.  I can take a deep breath, do what I can, and then just let go.  God's created the world, he can certainly handle this mess of life. 
"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13  I don't want my heart to harden by being overwhelmed with all the very tough stuff--so I will make a joyful noise unto the Lord, praise his name, life up my hands, and thank him for his blessings.  Put one foot in front of the other, hug my boys, tell my husband I love him, and continue fighting the good fight of faith--today and everyday, for as long as I live... 

Peace and love, friends...