That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse...

“O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.

That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.” 

~Walt Whitman~Leaves of Grass

 

peace

 

I come to this passage from Walt often in my life.  It speaks so simply and clearly of the anguish of questioned purpose and gives such an inspired answer to that question.  It takes me back to quieter, although not simpler, days at Simpson College--when I had more time to read, to soak in words.  Even now they are a sustenance as great as food.  And here I am again, reading "Leaves Of Grass" while Griffyn rests and exhaling some of the heaviness of the week...

Ahhhh, the work week is done.  A long, exhausting, emotional, stressful, completely spent and pushed past my limit work week is done!  Being bounced from here to there with the flexibility of a gymnast is not easy for this 36 year old running on fumes--and then to find my "schedule" was yet to change again.  For this girl who likes structure and needs some predictability in my hours for this family that is so busy to function, I am in the wrong profession!  If it weren't for my sisters at work and the good Lord above, I just may succumb to that cubicle once again! :)
Last night was spent in prayer.  No sleep.  Too many friends and loved ones tackling big issues, health concerns, and struggles.  I began to ask the question, through tears, that has become Griffyn's question of the day--Why does our God let such horrible, rotten things happen to such good people and continue to prosper such horrible, rotten people?  I grab my Bible and am reminded that God has a plan (he has a plan, he has a plan, he has a plan--repeat 1,000 times) and that his timing is as perfect as his plan, however painful and brutal it may seem now.  I am reminded and cling to this for some sense of peace and comfort.  And yet I feel helpless because I just want to fix everything.  And I can't.  Not even close.  And I feel overwhelmed and a bit hopeless, although as Christians we never are--yet I feel it--face buried in wet pillow...

"We must never forget that we are children of God who rely on the incomparable power of God to see us through to the end!"

Incomparable power.  Wow.  With God, we are kind of like super heroes.  What ever we must face, we have the most powerful and greatest companion in the Lord almighty fighting right along with us.  I feel Jesus lifting me up and coaxing my face out of that pillow...

And there will ALWAYS be those people.  You know who I mean--THOSE people--who ware on your soul, suck your spirit, and just make you feel plain yucky.  I get so mad at myself for wasting a second of frustration or despair on these people.  One less second of joy.  And I wonder what it is about myself that has such trouble letting go and somehow just passing gracefully over these speed bumps of negativity, lies, and deceit? 
In all reality, I truly tire of being nice.  There, I said it.  I just get really, really tired of taking it over and over again.  I want to say something mean.  I want to just walk away and never have to "deal" again.  Why, or Lord, why?  I give myself the pep talk of "showing love in the face of selfishness and thoughtlessness, shining the light of God, being a good example, turning the other cheek" when I just want to cry, walk away, and scream, "I hate you and leave me alone!". 
My angst?  That there is no visible repercussions for these people.  God isn't smiting them (come on Lord, smite away!!!).  They continue to hurt and harm at their leisure and I just get so tired of it.  It's difficult for me to find the balance between being a child of God and getting so physically and emotionally drained that I am left questioning if I can bear another second of it.  Thankfully, it is not by OUR strength--but by HIS.    I will concentrate on being the best me he created me to be--and there will be those people that always have a problem with that--where my "me" will never be good enough or respected.  But they are not God, nor do I stand in judgement of them.  And God reminds me, "Do not be deceived.  God cannot be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows." Galatians 6:7  So I must be forever mindful of the crop I am yielding and spend less time fretting over theirs.

"So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?'"  Hebrews 13:6
Amen!

And we continue to walk, to do and to be who God created us to be in the midst of a world that is full of chaos and turmoil.  And I find peace in the little things.  In baking bread with my four year old today.  In doing the laundry--and finding comfort in the smells of freshly washed sheets and blankets amidst the smell of fresh bread coming out of the oven.  In realizing purpose.  However small or large that purpose is for the day, it is there.  If nothing else than to create and experience joy with my boys and give them a safe place to just be.  To be fully present during a walk in the beauty of His nature, the simple happiness of playing with a neighbor's new puppy (this time the boys want a mini Yorkie thanks to Mia), painting, writing notes to friends, and even getting those bills paid and organized.  I am thankful, I am grateful, I am blessed.  And if I have to shout out loud to banish those feelings of anger and insecurity or having to prove myself to someone I will never be respected by, I will.  I will just use my words, as I tell my preschool children, and tell those thoughts and feelings that they are not welcome and must go away.  There is no place for them here in this short life!

"The adversary will tempt you to doubt, to hold back, to think 'We're not going to make it!'.  Relax.  Always remember that God's unusual plan ends with a rainbow of new HOPE!"  and no one's stepping on my rainbow! :)

And again God calls us to love.  That love is such hard work sometimes--that authentic love.  "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.  Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.  Each one should use whatever gifts he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in various forms."  So I will get up, use my gifts - however small they may be- and do my part in this great big world.  Because I am able, because I can, because that's what God has called me to do...

And I will continue to pray and do my best to quiet my heart and be still before the Lord and be patient with his perfect timing.  I will take care of this heart and soul he gave me and not cast my "pearls before swine", or get trampled under the tongue of someone who is always stirring up hate and anger. I will rise above, not by my own means, but by the hands of God who tells us to "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."  1 Peter 5:6-7  God can take it.  He can take it all.  And he cares so deeply for all of us.  Even in the midst of pain that makes you question it. 

I will continue to pray and do the things that God created this heart to do and be at peace with my place and space in this world.  I will through His will. 

Peace and love and JOY to you all, friends.  Much, much joy!  And may we all, ever so graciously, contribute our verse!