Good enough...

 

I had to laugh to myself while getting off the elevator today after work (yes, that's how tired I was after this week from hell--I rode the elevator ;)) when a sweet co-worker said to me "You have the perfect life, I always tell my husband that--the perfect life, Angie, the perfect kids, the perfect everything" and I had to get off as quick as I could so she couldn't see me burst into tears.  Would try to make it to the car and save that for the ride home.  It had been a week.  It has been for months is seems. 

It was a rather loaded, though well intentioned and meant as something so kind, statement for a less than perfect week of no sleep (as in almost zero), not feeling well, 'things' at work, and dealing with some heavy issues that are always issues that no one ever sees -- behind our doors, behind these walls, these prayers, this sanctuary that is our home, behind this "job" called parenthood and this relationship called "marriage".

I've never been super confident in anything I've ever done but school.  Damn good at school.  Books and studying--those things made sense, and I loved them and excelled at them.  Even philosophy, psychology, sociology, the ambiguity of all of the humanities made sense.  Okay, so statistics for psych (who can memorize all those formulas?!?), MEQ, chemistry and calculus I was not so stellar at, but I graduated with honors and rocked it out magna cum laude in the top ten percent of my class at Simpson (last thing I was ever really good at, so I will brag ;)).  I was good at getting an education. 

For a summer I got to work at Westminster Houses I and II right here in Des Moines--amidst a bit of suburbia--homes for the mentally ill--you wouldn't necessarily know it passing by.  Young adults with varying degrees of mental illness ranging from OCD, anxiety, to full blown schizophrenia--putting my behavioral and abnormal psychology education from textbook into real life (throwing in some child psych as well).  I will never forget that summer.  And I strongly encourage anyone who poo poo's early intervention in children to go and visit for a few hours--or even a couple of minutes. A lot of these young adults could have been spared a life of institution.  I firmly believe that.   

As the new girl, pulling a night shift and then day shift wasn't uncommon--nor was getting thrown into situations without much training.  Will never forget those kids or adults.  Todd, the young man who saw squirrels running up and down his bedroom walls all hours of the day and night, Robby who thought he was a pro football player for the Jets in rehab at the home for an injury (lots of football tossed around in the 'backyard' with Rob), Susan who was just really, really mean and I never really knew why she was there, Steve the guy who was always washing his hands and mumbling to himself about how we were all trying to poison him, Craig who was always trying to sneak out for cigs and coffee at a gas station not too far away and was bipolar but more sullen than manic, and a host of other 'misfits' that just couldn't fit into society on daily basis--or didn't have family who really wanted to deal with them. 

And this all became "normal", to some degree, but then jarring acts of violence would scare me enough to realize that this was not something I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  I felt like I was talking to ghosts--apparitions of people that were once but were no longer and it made me so damn depressed.  I wanted to help them before they got this way--before they were helpless and caged--before I had to lock myself in a kitchen because the squirrels told him he should kill me...  Yes, that was one crazy summer.

But, I think any of us who have been through crazy, want to help or have some empathy for crazy.  And those of us that have been through trauma and have our own scars and issues often times want to help others that have them too--to be that support that says, hey, I know, I've been there too, it's going to be okay, you can do it.  And more than anything, we want our kids to have it all.  All the love, the security, the joy, the stability and blessing in the world.  We never want them to feel the way we did--ever... 

So, what if they do?  What if they struggle with some of the same issues that we do?  What if they struggle with more?  Without the trauma, without the pain, what if they struggle?   I can't speak too much to this because my child's privacy is important to me and I don't need my husband being bombarded by his family, but I do think it is okay to speak about our struggles--it is okay--life is not perfect and it never will be.  And we should never assume that any one person's is.  I also find it interesting that the people who know you the least often have the most advice... 

I started out this "mom" gig without too much worry--oldest of five--had kind of done most of it.  Had two colicky boys that screamed for not months, but their first YEAR of life--wasn't banking on that, were sick all the time, and had asthma and allergies.  But the really hard parts didn't happen till much later on...

Being a mom is by far the hardest, yet most rewarding, thing I have ever done--and maybe someday I can speak candidly.  Some days are beyond awesome, and some days I want to run away and just wish we could all just be "normal" -- but then I re-realize :) that God makes us all the way we are for a reason and that often the biggest hearts are the most vulnerable.  I love my two boys with all my heart--they are my heart--and I will continue to do everything I can to be the best mommy I can be for them--despite what anyone else thinks or how anyone else interprets or understands that.  And I will admit that at this point, I may not realize what that "best" is, but I will continue to pray and to search until I find it.  And yes, I am exhausted and frustrated and confused and would not mind a quick fix after years of all of this, but I know that through it all, God makes us stronger, better, more faithful people IF we look to him, concede to our weakness and find strength in his grace.  Only IF.  Because I fail miserably on my own.  Flat on my face fail...

So, be kind, for everyone is fighting their own battles :). 

I want to say a special thank you to my friends who listen through all of my "I am fine's" and know when I am not, who genuinely care, who ASK, who listen...  who really, really listen and do not judge, I love you all to pieces, for loving all of my broken pieces, and yet making me feel perfectly whole.  Jesus made you my sisters, and I know I could not walk this path without your hands reaching out to me and for me -- and heck, grabbing me (stubborn as I am) when I fall -- you know how much I hate to and will NOT ask for help.  Friendship is rare.  You are my diamonds.  I love you. 

 

Aiming for sleep.  Putting it all in his hands.  Always in his hands.  His capable, loving, hands.  He knows, he has a plan, and he is ever faithful.  Even when my child is scared.  Even when I am scared for him.  I need not be...

 

Fear not...  and although it may not all magically go away, I can continue to hold, to pray, to comfort, (and sleep someday will come) and KNOW that although I may not be the best at this mommy thing, I'm not the worst, not with Jesus in my heart, and God at the helm--I've got a pretty good crew with me.  So, I may not feel like I'm acing this, I'm keeping afloat, and today, that's good enough...

The Blue Folder...

It was love at first sight with these two

I think all of us working mommies need to go on strike. 

 

We need to all quit our jobs and demand that we have earned the privilege to stay home and raise these children that we have carried around in our bodies for nine months (not to mention the delivery process ;)).  They deserve it, we deserve it--and time just goes by way too damn fast!  We don't, and they don't, ever get that time back.  It seems the most time we are able to spend with them it those nine months they are attached to us, then a short "maternity leave", and then they are out in the world, being tossed about by various people who we love and trust to help us raise the most precious beings in the world to us.  So precarious a scenario, so sad in some ways, unfair in others, but life as most of us know it...
The cause of this emotional tirade?  A rather benign looking little blue folder that came home in Griffyn's preschool backpack yesterday with an innocent white label that read "Kindergarten Registration" with his full name and our address--all official and officey looking.  I resigned myself to NOT become a puddle on the floor.  I opened it up, and the OCD in me was first struck by the amazing impressiveness of the awesome organization--one side labeled "information to keep" and the other "paperwork to fill out and return"--just going to go with that feeling and channel those thoughts... 
Then I started going through the paperwork.  One of the pamphlets read "Childhood is not a race; it's a journey!"--and it was over.  Darn it!  Tears.  What a fabulous quote--I just love our school system--can't say that enough of Carlisle.  But how many times do I feel like it IS a race?  Like we don't have time to slow down and discover, meander, just get dirty and messy (and of course get cleaned up afterwards ;)) and slowly have fun with no goal or objective in mind, wild and crazy, let the wild rumpus start fun?  Because there are things like schedules and homework and practices and games and the need for this thing called sleep and bedtimes after all of that is over and done--all very essential and major parts of life and learning--yes, but everything has seemed to have gotten a bit excessive lately--or maybe it's our occupations that are just so much more stressful and time consuming--they don't stop at "the office" by any means--or that our schedules barely leave room for shoving a granola bar down the boy's throat for "dinner" anymore.  I just feel like I blinked, and my baby is almost five.  And that makes me very, very sad. 
When Griffyn was a baby, our lives we pretty chaotic.  Our home was up for sale and we were going through hell with the Des Moines school systems.  I have never encountered such disrespect or complete thoughtlessness or disorganization from a group of adults that were supposed to be in charge of my child's education.  I was fighting the board with letters, phone calls (John Narcisse was the only board member who ever returned any of my phone calls or letters and he was attempting to get this nine month preggers mom to be on the radio with Steve Deace).  It was ridiculous at best. We had a great team; our pediatrician, Carlisle's Superintendent, each other--it wasn't enough. We were told we had to get a lawyer and they would only meet with us from 9 to 5 and not during lunch hours.  I have saved the files and files of correspondence just for fun (and to remind myself that "yes, that really happened.")
Then, Griffyn was born.  We were showing our home often--which meant keeping a house spotless all while working an already exhausting job with a new baby and four year old, getting a phone call from our Realtor and having to get the house cleaned up and finding somewhere to go (thank you, Susie) and packed up within half and hour with a baby--doing this for months--then finally selling, packing, moving--with two little ones--and living in an apartment till we found our home in Carlisle (not to mention all the confusing bank/loan/paperwork).  When we moved to our new home, Griffyn was almost 11 months old.  I do not honestly remember much of the first year of his life.  This also makes me sad.  Probably does not help that I did not sleep for most of it -- which hasn't changed much ;).  I feel like he got short changed somewhat--his "firsts" perhaps weren't as momentous (the kid learned to walk at 9 months!) and his life seemed to be in a state of perpetual frenzy...  Maybe that's why he's such an ornery little guy and not much phases him--he'll roll with anything :).


Griffyn's first outing--the Science Center

My "blueberry eyes" as nicknamed by his uncle Harold--Griffy boy

My Max Kinnick Mitchell

So as I read through his 'Kindergarten Supply List', and 'Preparing For Kindergarten' sheets (listening is important?  respect and manners are too?  following simple directions? all necessary skills? :)  hmmmmmmmmm, how long have I been saying this in our preschool classrooms ;)?) and tried to keep it together, I reminded myself again to cherish the hours and days and not worry about what comes next...  to live in the moment...  what ever that moment may be... 

and that someday, one day, we will have forever and eternity to enjoy together...  no schedules, just streets paved in gold and absolute perfection and bliss, pure heaven, in heaven...  and how incredibly awesome will that be?  so until then, no strike (there are bills to pay, after all ;)) and this momma and her boys will just keep plugging away at this life thing and keep loving and living the best way we know how...

Griffyn and Max have always both LOVED horses.  Griffyn in his horsey Jumparoo and Max with one of his MANY horses he had when he was a little tike--they have since multiplied and taken over the house...

love to you all!  and many blessings to you in all the big and little moments that make this life truly beautiful!

Max used to love to take naps on my tummy when I was pregnant because he could feel Griffyn moving around inside.  He would "hold Griffyn's hand" (which I was more often convinced was his foot) and fall asleep after singing him a song or telling him a story about all the things they would do together when he was born.  This is one of my favorite memories of being pregnant (one of the very few--as it wasn't my all time favorite experience either time :))

 

 

 

These are the days...

"Making the decision to have a child--it's momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."  Elizabeth Sone (20th Century) American journalist and author

Griffyn's preschool and craft corner--where my OCD has to take a break--because this area is always a mess ;)--but 'mess' inspires creativity and creativity inspires freedom and self expression and we could all use a little more of that! :)

Yesterday was President's Day, and while my place of work was up and running and my husband had a teacher's in service day, the boys did not have school.  Thankfully, I had enough PTO to cover a day off (darn stuff does just not accrue fast enough, does it?), so I enjoyed a blissful mommy day with my boys.  I can not tell you how good it felt.  No practices, no games, no schedule of any kind--just free US time!  It was pure heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I had been looking forward to this day for weeks and weeks.  We all needed it so very badly!  Just to be able to look at their faces and talk to them for more than five seconds, hug them, hold them, listen to them, really hear them--without rushing from here to there and herding them like cattle from one thing to the next--hurry, hurry, hurry!  We could fully ENJOY our time with no regard or worry for what was to come next.  Pure bliss!!!
We all slept in.  No rush or jamming of breakfast down our throats to get into the car on time or "mommy I'm too tired" or "I weally don't fink I dot enuff seep" or fights with Griffyn because it was a bus day and not a mommy pick up day.  We lounged around in our pj's, did yoga together and talked about what we wanted to do with our open day--besides snuggle and relax on the couch, of course :).  We had a neighbor call and ask if Max wanted to play.  He shook his head no.  I don't know about you, but I so seldom get alone time with my kids, and when we do, we really and truly enjoy spending it together--we covet that time and cherish that time.  We kind of really love each other and are best friends too--oh trust me--they so get that we are their parents :)--but fostering and developing that unique relationship is so important and my kids still want to and I know that will not always be the case--so as long as it is--this mommy is all over it. 
The boys decided they wanted to go out for lunch--Fazolies--it had been awhile since we had graced that establishment.  Max loved that place when he was Griffyn's age and we ate there all the time.  Carbs sounded good to this mommy :).  G discovered something fabulous--bow tie pasta--and yes, I let him play with his food :).  They both must have been in a crafty mood as well because they both wanted to trek the isles of Hobby Lobby afterwards and have a "craft day" too.  Sounded perfect to me, so after we got our zen on, we got our noodle on, then headed to pick out some crafts at Hobby Lobby.  They each got to pick out two reasonably priced choices--which to anyone who has ever been to HL--can be daunting for a ten and four year old--there are "dust so many toices!!!".  We were there for almost two hours--and minds were changed many times--and my patience was tried about as often ;).

so many fun activities to do!  G did a little here, and a little there, and a little everywhere

My Max decided he wanted to do a peaceful beach creation--the large Mason jar we thought would work didn't (the shells we bought with the colored sand just sank instead of the layering effect we had pictured--but we found a plastic box in the garage that worked perfectly for his serene Hawkeye beach escape--alas, they did not have black sand we could layer with the yellow and Max did not think that hot pink was an option ;))

It started to snow--big chunky flakes "dat dot in my eyes, momma, so we betta det home", so we headed on back.  I could not believe how late it was at this point.  We had the Carlisle game to get to in Norwalk that night as well (and so many crafts to do :)), so hurry we must!  It was so cold!  We got home and the boys immediately set to work creating their masterpieces.  G didn't know what to do first, so he did a bit of this and that every two seconds.  The idea we had for Max's didn't quite work out, so we ended up with an extra Mason jar (which we can always use), but were able to find some thing in the garage that ended up working just fine.  Daddy came home, and it was off to Norwalk to cheer on our favorite team--the Carlisle Wildcats!!!  So proud of our boys!!!!

Max was so excited to get started, he couldn't wait to take his coat or hat off (that and he was so cold :)).  We made such a big mess, but had so much fun!  I LOVE these days! (ps:  four year olds and sand art are NOT a good combination, however, and I am STILL cleaning sand off of my hard wood floors ;) -- all worth it, however :))

Looking at my boys on the bleachers at the game that night, I almost cried (and it wasn't just because of Norwalk's pathetic sportsmanship).  It had been such an awesome day, and just like every year of their blessed lives, it had gone by way too fast.  I just love them so much, and I just wish we could have more days like this.  But, I was so thankful for this one.  So very, very, very thankful.  A moment to pause, to just "be" with them, to really, really ENJOY them.  It was just pure awesome.  THIS is what I love about being a mommy--being able to actually have time to be one...
Now G is home with me this morning with his asthma.  He's had the cold and runny nose deal for some time now.  We're on breathing treatments again.  Nebbies are back!  We've managed to avoid them for a bit, and this darn fluctuation in weather is not helping!  50 degrees to below zero.  Not great for asthma lungs! (or for any one's, I'd venture to guess--but hard on those of us with breathing issues especially!)

 
So one kind of treatment deserves another! :)

Griff and I made chocolate, peanut butter and marshmallow cheerio bars this morning.  Just seemed like the day required them.  He's snuggling with his blankets and the not quite as cuddly one eyed monster he made yesterday.  What ever makes him happy and less miserable works for me! :)

This thankful heart must start some laundry.  The darn laundry fairy hasn't visited our home in years.  I think she forgot our address again :)  Thankful to have all these beautiful boys to dirty clothes for me to wash and put away :).  God's blessing and love to you all and there is just so much joy in the simplest of things when we can truly take the time to breathe in and savor those moments of blessing.  May God help us all to somehow find a way to slow down, even in our crazy and busiest of times, to catch a moment of this joy -- and hold onto it in our hearts -- with thankfulness and praise --as we continue to run this race that is life.

Much love and blessing to you all!

With a love like that...

The day after Valentine's Day.  Tired.  Sick again.  Yuck.  Love day is MY day, my favoritest of holidays.  And yes, I know favoritest is not a word, but it's fun to say, and I'm delirious and running a fever, so I'm allowed.  Be forewarned, this momma with a fever has NO filter...
Party day at preschool.  For those of you who teach, for those of you who teach and facilitate parties--collectively sigh with me...  Yes, YOU know...  My sweetest of the sweets were so good to me.  Flowers and chocolates and cards from my girls.  Thank you, kind loves!  It truly made my day.  And the yummiest cupcake from Scratch from one of my knights in shining armor.  Thank you, little ones, for all the love (and to all of their thoughtful parents!  I know all the extra work and time that takes--thank you!).  So very appreciated!
After headaches and ear aches and fighting a fever again for weeks, it was time to go into urgent care after work and admit defeat.  This wasn't background migraines or my Mal de Debarquement Syndrome, my allergies or asthma flaring up--it was a strep and sinus infection.  With all these other "things", it's just hard for me to tell, so by the time I finally figure out I have something, I have fought through two weeks of something else and end up at the docs office with a plethora of bacteria and crap.  Z pack, tea and cough drops have been my friends today (as well as facebook and the ipad, because pain and sleep do not often go together).  Who knew that strep caused such damn painful headaches???
Usually we do it up pretty awesome for the boys on Valentine's day and I get cards sent out to friends and something brought into work--a big fat ZERO this year. I also make a big layered heart cake every year--no time this year.  In fact, Marty and I just found Griffyn's bag of Valentine's for Colleen's still sitting on the counter.  Fail!  At least he got the ones we made for preschool to preschool, I guess.  Good grief.  We go out to eat, and the boys get a bag of gifts--a special stuffed animal, candy, movie.  This year, Marty ran to Target and got "Hotel Transylvania" (thanks so much, honey).  We have been busy, way too busy (and when I say that, it's not just as a way to make conversation--freaking busy).  Which I think is why I may get sick so often--just not enough rest and too much stress--because things DO still have to get done, regardless of how much running around, practices, games, and work--as in our jobs--has to be done--we need clean clothes, dishes and a semi-clean house to live in (stress on the 'semi' part). 
Why am I writing this again?  Ah yes, Valentine's day.  The love bit.  I just recently read a post on Glennon's blog, Momastery entitled "Lover Of The Light" (I strongly encourage you to read it), that just blew me away.  It stood me up straight and made me feel like I had done 20 push ups--and not the girl kind.  Cause love is such a struggle.  And anyone who tells you different is on crack.  Really.  It's hard.  Day in and day out--over and over again--with everything life throws at you--come on, eventually it gets a bit trying. 
But when does that "trying" get to be so impossible that you just can't--and not the giving up 'can't', dammit, I'm so sick of people labeling it as 'quiting' when you haven't been walking in my shoes--but as 'shouldn't', as in 'damaging', as in 'this is hurting my soul past a point where I have the strength to be..."  I jokingly find myself saying, "I really can not take any more pills for this", but it comes to a point where I'm not really joking (sarcasm is my savior so many times). 
So can we just admit, can we just really, honestly say that it's hard.  And yes, I am so beyond the moon happy for you if you have a perfectly butterfly and rainbows kind of marriage where baby kittens pop out of your husband's butt when he farts--really, I am--but it would be ever so much more refreshing and hope building and encouraging to all of us if we could just say, yes, sometimes it freaking sucks and it hurts and I want to run away, but you know what?  I don't, we fight and we try and we pray and we stay and we believe it will get better...  and if it doesn't, if it doesn't? That doesn't make us any less of people and it sure as heck doesn't mean we don't love each other--maybe we loved each other even more...

I never have believed in easy love.  My first example was Jesus.  Jesus stretched out his arms, had his hands and feet nailed to a cross, had a spear ran through his side out of pure love, and died for us and people still rejected and reject him--ask him how easy love was.  

I have always had a crazy strong work ethic--no applause--because I have always HAD to.  Anything I have ever wanted in life I've had to work for--anything.  Nothing has ever been given to me.  Nothing.  Maybe I read too many English novels--Les Mis (okay, that is French), Jane Eyre, Mansfield Park, Emma, Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights...  never easy... but it was real.  And if you asked me if this is how I would have pictured marriage many years ago, I would have said no, but would any of us have said yes? (and if you are shaking your head yes, again, happiest to you!) 
But so much of it is life now--stress, our jobs that consume so much of our energy, time, emotion (and for those of us that teach the physical and emotional part of that is so draining when it often goes unnoticed or unappreciated by parents, administration, the general population... wah, wah, wah, I know... but can we agree on how backwards this country has become when it's easier for someone to buy a gun then for me to find a psychiatrist or form of aid for a kid that needs help?  ridiculous!!!) and then after that ten hour day, we come home to love and nurture our children--or try our best--and give time and energy and love to our spouse. 
And we LOVE our kids and we want what is best for them--the VERY best for them--and sometimes THEY have struggles--big struggles--and that adds stress--it just does--and I don't give a crap if that makes me sound like a bad parent--it creates stress.  And you do anything you can for them--and there goes any room for sleep you had--go ahead and call me selfish.  So there's all that "stuff" on top of everything else--and no time to communicate--so of course it's going to be difficult. 
And it gets so LOUD--all these persons needing, voicing, stressing, feeling--a massive ball and explosion that we don't have time for because we have to hurry up and get to this and then hurry up and get to bed because my poor children NEVER get enough sleep.  And then my oldest blames himself--all that damn homework (I'm stupid--if I wasn't so stupid math wouldn't take me so long)...  Hey, if your mother wasn't so stupid, she could understand it and help you with it so I wouldn't have to ask you to ask your dad who gets frustrated with all the new fangled ways they teach math anymore and Max ends up teaching US how to do it...  and then G just runs around pushing every one's buttons cause he's G and that's what little boys named G do... 
So, yes, I feel like we're holding on for dear life.  Marty, me, and God--because it takes three.  Not so romantic, no, but I don't care.  I have never, ever been a fan of Nicholas Sparks.  My mother in law lent me the Notebook when it came out and it induced vomiting, not pitter patters, sorry. 
I do believe you have to fight for what you want and what you need because the world is a crazy insane and sin filled place that is full of distractions--yes.  The same goes for your kids.  Have you visited a classroom (heck even a preschool room) lately, sporting event, talked to your kid about his or her friends?  It's a tough world out there--lots of junk, negativity, things not of God that take so much pro activity as parents (that I'm pretty sure isn't found on video games, the ipad or TV for the most part)--and I will not stop reading the Bible and saying prayers every night with my kids--and Marty is so awesome at doing it with the boys on nights I am just spent.  We won't budge on that.  It's not easy if you're doing it right--it's just not.  But it shouldn't be so hard that it's depleting you.  Yes, you will be tired, worn out, flipping exhausted--cause life is hard and I want to make sure I'm being a good wife, mommy and friend and sometimes that takes more than 24 hours in my day--not that kind of depleting. 
It needs to be worth it.  Worth ALL of that.  Worth that tired, that sick, that so worn out I can't do this anymore feeling...
WORTH ALL OF THAT... 
And I can truly say, that I can look at my husband, my boys, this life we live and God has created for us, this family I come home to every night, and I KNOW that...  so that's enough for me to take a short nap and start again the next day... 
But I will never, ever judge someone who doesn't know that--because that is their talk with God, their walk with God, and NOT mine.  And no one ever knows any one else's walk--truly knows it--but that person and God.  No matter how much you know God.  Please do not confuse the two.
Instead, let's support one another, love one another, and be each other's bucket fillers (as my blessed little four year old is always reminding us--to fill each other's buckets -- or "buttets" as he calls them)--because no one EVER says, "Man, I've had WAY too much encouragement today!!!".

Peace, love, and understanding -- may they all fill your buckets!!!

A heart at peace...

Sunday brunch was a picnic this morning--squeezing in every last drop of comfort and fun!

Popcorn and movie time with Mommy--time for some "Lorax" action :)

Griffy, Grace, and Max~the best of friends

Pizza and fun with Niki and our little sis

Family night with the boys after basketball (hence Max's red cheeks :))

"A heart at peace gives life to the body."  Proverbs 14:30

So, here we are...  Another Sunday evening.  Another weekend gone in the blink of an eye.  Griffyn is sitting on the floor playing with his monster trucks (as they pulverize the squinkies and Littlest Pet Shop toys that get in his way), while Max and Marty are enjoying a Super Bowl Party.  This momma is still fighting a cold, didn't get quite enough rest this weekend (or get to sleep in till 11 a.m. like daddy ;)), and has to get up before 5 a.m. tomorrow, so G and I are just chillin'.  A great weekend of basketball and spending time with my boys and my girlfriend Niki and her little angel, Grace, and learning a few things about myself.  Taking some time to listen to God through all the stress and chaos that is life... 
The past month or so has been kind of yucky for me personally.  Just a barragement of dirt.  No one likes to be talked about.  Let me clarify--no one likes to be gossiped and lied about.  It hurts, even when you're 36.  Especially when you try SO HARD to be good to people, include people, build people up and be kind to people, even when it is not reciprocated.  So it's an extra hard slap in the face when, after all those efforts (that you may not particularly want or have the energy after all these years to make, but do anyway), to hear nasty, untrue things said about you.  It gets old and I get tired of it--whether it be family or acquaintances--I just get sick of it.  This just seems to be some people's "thing" to do or part of their "personality". 
And life's unfair.  Unfair things happen.  People who don't deserve to get things get them.  People who are over qualified and have the experience don't.  Blech.  The only thing that makes unfairness worse is the consistency to which it happens.  So, it's been just all around yucky.  You know what they say, when it rains it pours--or blizzards, as it were this week...
And, I'll admit, I haven't been in the best of spirits and I had a few days of hitting a low of lows, a breaking point, lots of tears, and lots of "phone a friend" moments, not much sleep and lots and lots of anger.  I just really wanted to march in and tell all these people off.  Really.  I did.  I'd had it.  Why do these kind of people just constantly "get away" with this crap???  Who do they think they are????  I don't really give a flying squirrel (some can fly, right? ;)) what they think of me, but you do NOT treat my friends, staff, kids, family, whomever like this!  I was a mess of emotion.  At some point, it just seems the insanity has to stop.  But life is a mess, it's not clean--and life is down right insane.  And if God and life has taught me anything, it is that this is NOT the time I should open my mouth...

"In your anger do not sin. ...  do not give the devil a foothold."  Ephesians 4:26-27

I chose silence, (although the soliloquy in my head was rather eloquent, I thought, but I'm sure it would have come out a raging mess and a torrent of crazy) and in the next couple of days asked God to please, please, please open my eyes and heart to what he was trying to teach me--because there had to be a message somewhere--there is always something to learn and I KNEW he was telling me to let go and let God (as he often does), but there just seemed to be MORE...
And there was...
God was asking me to be still and trust him, yes, we've been down this pathway several times--I'm a control freak and a rather slow learner, so this path is well worn.  He was asking me to really let go--as he seems to put people that poke and prod me with nastiness in my life that just don't go away--let's just say they stick around--so I really and truly have to learn to let go and let it roll.  They're gonna hang out for awhile and the only thing I am responsible for is my attitude and my actions.  They're gonna be in my face so I have to trust and have faith. I do my part, and God's got the rest. 
But here was the MORE part~God was calling me to check my heart--which wasn't all pretty.  There was a lot of anger and hurt in there.  It was pretty ugly really.  And God was calling me to love.  LOVE!  I gotta LOVE these people?  Really?  They are liars, so mean, so spiteful, so nasty and manipulative--and they are going to continue to be so!!!  I've got to love them?

"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." 1 Peter 3:8-9 

I feel so strongly that I have really missed the boat here and that God is so strongly calling me to this in my life.  It's so easy to love the loveable.  That part I've got down :).  So, I keep praying and praying for God to move my heart.  I don't necessarily need to feel rainbows, sunshine, and butterflies right now as love is an action.  Love is a verb.  I need to DO it.  And it is rather freeing in a way.  I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing in God's eyes.  Begrudgingly, yes, at the moment (let's call a spade a spade here), but it will get easier.  It's not for me to judge these people.  Yes, lying is wrong.  Creating pain for people out of thin air is wrong.  But those are their choices, and reacting in anger is not going to better the situation in any way.  I get defensive yes, and I will always be the momma bear that sticks up for her friends and the truth and I will not be a doormat, but sometimes the best way to deal with slander and stupidity is with silence and prayer.  Because God knows--and I have to remind myself constantly that no one "gets away with" anything.  Maybe here... but this world is not our home, and it's not my job to fix it all, and I certainly can't. 

But what I CAN do is try my best to love.  And sometimes it is so hard.  I can give the best of myself to everyone without any expectation of ever receiving anything good, and possibly receiving everything bad, in return.  Because that is what I am CALLED to do.  There is no obligation in love, no expectation of receiving anything in return, it is giving for the sake of giving and loving for the sake of loving, and that is the lesson that God was trying to teach me in all of this. 

"God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.  In this way, love is made complete among us."  1 John 4:16-17

I can't promise I won't ever be angry or sad or frustrated again.  I pretty much guarantee that's going to happen.  But I can promise that I WILL have a more peaceful and calm heart and mind that is centered on love, because when I am focused on giving and doing this--the stress and frustration seem to dissipate.  I can breathe.  These are little things.  Not huge crisis.  And God has used these little issues to teach me such big things about myself and I praise him for it.  And I thank him for the discomfort and the tears that seem so silly at times when I look back on the sleepless nights (my humanness seems very silly oh so often) when I think of the sacrifice and love he gave for a world that mocked and rejected him.  And I am greatly, greatly humbled and brought to my knees again as life is put into the perspective it ought to be... at his feet. 

Working on the love... :)

And much PEACE and LIFE to our bodies!!! :)

In His name...