A heart at peace...

Sunday brunch was a picnic this morning--squeezing in every last drop of comfort and fun!

Popcorn and movie time with Mommy--time for some "Lorax" action :)

Griffy, Grace, and Max~the best of friends

Pizza and fun with Niki and our little sis

Family night with the boys after basketball (hence Max's red cheeks :))

"A heart at peace gives life to the body."  Proverbs 14:30

So, here we are...  Another Sunday evening.  Another weekend gone in the blink of an eye.  Griffyn is sitting on the floor playing with his monster trucks (as they pulverize the squinkies and Littlest Pet Shop toys that get in his way), while Max and Marty are enjoying a Super Bowl Party.  This momma is still fighting a cold, didn't get quite enough rest this weekend (or get to sleep in till 11 a.m. like daddy ;)), and has to get up before 5 a.m. tomorrow, so G and I are just chillin'.  A great weekend of basketball and spending time with my boys and my girlfriend Niki and her little angel, Grace, and learning a few things about myself.  Taking some time to listen to God through all the stress and chaos that is life... 
The past month or so has been kind of yucky for me personally.  Just a barragement of dirt.  No one likes to be talked about.  Let me clarify--no one likes to be gossiped and lied about.  It hurts, even when you're 36.  Especially when you try SO HARD to be good to people, include people, build people up and be kind to people, even when it is not reciprocated.  So it's an extra hard slap in the face when, after all those efforts (that you may not particularly want or have the energy after all these years to make, but do anyway), to hear nasty, untrue things said about you.  It gets old and I get tired of it--whether it be family or acquaintances--I just get sick of it.  This just seems to be some people's "thing" to do or part of their "personality". 
And life's unfair.  Unfair things happen.  People who don't deserve to get things get them.  People who are over qualified and have the experience don't.  Blech.  The only thing that makes unfairness worse is the consistency to which it happens.  So, it's been just all around yucky.  You know what they say, when it rains it pours--or blizzards, as it were this week...
And, I'll admit, I haven't been in the best of spirits and I had a few days of hitting a low of lows, a breaking point, lots of tears, and lots of "phone a friend" moments, not much sleep and lots and lots of anger.  I just really wanted to march in and tell all these people off.  Really.  I did.  I'd had it.  Why do these kind of people just constantly "get away" with this crap???  Who do they think they are????  I don't really give a flying squirrel (some can fly, right? ;)) what they think of me, but you do NOT treat my friends, staff, kids, family, whomever like this!  I was a mess of emotion.  At some point, it just seems the insanity has to stop.  But life is a mess, it's not clean--and life is down right insane.  And if God and life has taught me anything, it is that this is NOT the time I should open my mouth...

"In your anger do not sin. ...  do not give the devil a foothold."  Ephesians 4:26-27

I chose silence, (although the soliloquy in my head was rather eloquent, I thought, but I'm sure it would have come out a raging mess and a torrent of crazy) and in the next couple of days asked God to please, please, please open my eyes and heart to what he was trying to teach me--because there had to be a message somewhere--there is always something to learn and I KNEW he was telling me to let go and let God (as he often does), but there just seemed to be MORE...
And there was...
God was asking me to be still and trust him, yes, we've been down this pathway several times--I'm a control freak and a rather slow learner, so this path is well worn.  He was asking me to really let go--as he seems to put people that poke and prod me with nastiness in my life that just don't go away--let's just say they stick around--so I really and truly have to learn to let go and let it roll.  They're gonna hang out for awhile and the only thing I am responsible for is my attitude and my actions.  They're gonna be in my face so I have to trust and have faith. I do my part, and God's got the rest. 
But here was the MORE part~God was calling me to check my heart--which wasn't all pretty.  There was a lot of anger and hurt in there.  It was pretty ugly really.  And God was calling me to love.  LOVE!  I gotta LOVE these people?  Really?  They are liars, so mean, so spiteful, so nasty and manipulative--and they are going to continue to be so!!!  I've got to love them?

"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." 1 Peter 3:8-9 

I feel so strongly that I have really missed the boat here and that God is so strongly calling me to this in my life.  It's so easy to love the loveable.  That part I've got down :).  So, I keep praying and praying for God to move my heart.  I don't necessarily need to feel rainbows, sunshine, and butterflies right now as love is an action.  Love is a verb.  I need to DO it.  And it is rather freeing in a way.  I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing in God's eyes.  Begrudgingly, yes, at the moment (let's call a spade a spade here), but it will get easier.  It's not for me to judge these people.  Yes, lying is wrong.  Creating pain for people out of thin air is wrong.  But those are their choices, and reacting in anger is not going to better the situation in any way.  I get defensive yes, and I will always be the momma bear that sticks up for her friends and the truth and I will not be a doormat, but sometimes the best way to deal with slander and stupidity is with silence and prayer.  Because God knows--and I have to remind myself constantly that no one "gets away with" anything.  Maybe here... but this world is not our home, and it's not my job to fix it all, and I certainly can't. 

But what I CAN do is try my best to love.  And sometimes it is so hard.  I can give the best of myself to everyone without any expectation of ever receiving anything good, and possibly receiving everything bad, in return.  Because that is what I am CALLED to do.  There is no obligation in love, no expectation of receiving anything in return, it is giving for the sake of giving and loving for the sake of loving, and that is the lesson that God was trying to teach me in all of this. 

"God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.  In this way, love is made complete among us."  1 John 4:16-17

I can't promise I won't ever be angry or sad or frustrated again.  I pretty much guarantee that's going to happen.  But I can promise that I WILL have a more peaceful and calm heart and mind that is centered on love, because when I am focused on giving and doing this--the stress and frustration seem to dissipate.  I can breathe.  These are little things.  Not huge crisis.  And God has used these little issues to teach me such big things about myself and I praise him for it.  And I thank him for the discomfort and the tears that seem so silly at times when I look back on the sleepless nights (my humanness seems very silly oh so often) when I think of the sacrifice and love he gave for a world that mocked and rejected him.  And I am greatly, greatly humbled and brought to my knees again as life is put into the perspective it ought to be... at his feet. 

Working on the love... :)

And much PEACE and LIFE to our bodies!!! :)

In His name...