The day after Valentine's Day. Tired. Sick again. Yuck. Love day is MY day, my favoritest of holidays. And yes, I know favoritest is not a word, but it's fun to say, and I'm delirious and running a fever, so I'm allowed. Be forewarned, this momma with a fever has NO filter...
Party day at preschool. For those of you who teach, for those of you who teach and facilitate parties--collectively sigh with me... Yes, YOU know... My sweetest of the sweets were so good to me. Flowers and chocolates and cards from my girls. Thank you, kind loves! It truly made my day. And the yummiest cupcake from Scratch from one of my knights in shining armor. Thank you, little ones, for all the love (and to all of their thoughtful parents! I know all the extra work and time that takes--thank you!). So very appreciated!
After headaches and ear aches and fighting a fever again for weeks, it was time to go into urgent care after work and admit defeat. This wasn't background migraines or my Mal de Debarquement Syndrome, my allergies or asthma flaring up--it was a strep and sinus infection. With all these other "things", it's just hard for me to tell, so by the time I finally figure out I have something, I have fought through two weeks of something else and end up at the docs office with a plethora of bacteria and crap. Z pack, tea and cough drops have been my friends today (as well as facebook and the ipad, because pain and sleep do not often go together). Who knew that strep caused such damn painful headaches???
Usually we do it up pretty awesome for the boys on Valentine's day and I get cards sent out to friends and something brought into work--a big fat ZERO this year. I also make a big layered heart cake every year--no time this year. In fact, Marty and I just found Griffyn's bag of Valentine's for Colleen's still sitting on the counter. Fail! At least he got the ones we made for preschool to preschool, I guess. Good grief. We go out to eat, and the boys get a bag of gifts--a special stuffed animal, candy, movie. This year, Marty ran to Target and got "Hotel Transylvania" (thanks so much, honey). We have been busy, way too busy (and when I say that, it's not just as a way to make conversation--freaking busy). Which I think is why I may get sick so often--just not enough rest and too much stress--because things DO still have to get done, regardless of how much running around, practices, games, and work--as in our jobs--has to be done--we need clean clothes, dishes and a semi-clean house to live in (stress on the 'semi' part).
Why am I writing this again? Ah yes, Valentine's day. The love bit. I just recently read a post on Glennon's blog, Momastery entitled "Lover Of The Light" (I strongly encourage you to read it), that just blew me away. It stood me up straight and made me feel like I had done 20 push ups--and not the girl kind. Cause love is such a struggle. And anyone who tells you different is on crack. Really. It's hard. Day in and day out--over and over again--with everything life throws at you--come on, eventually it gets a bit trying.
But when does that "trying" get to be so impossible that you just can't--and not the giving up 'can't', dammit, I'm so sick of people labeling it as 'quiting' when you haven't been walking in my shoes--but as 'shouldn't', as in 'damaging', as in 'this is hurting my soul past a point where I have the strength to be..." I jokingly find myself saying, "I really can not take any more pills for this", but it comes to a point where I'm not really joking (sarcasm is my savior so many times).
So can we just admit, can we just really, honestly say that it's hard. And yes, I am so beyond the moon happy for you if you have a perfectly butterfly and rainbows kind of marriage where baby kittens pop out of your husband's butt when he farts--really, I am--but it would be ever so much more refreshing and hope building and encouraging to all of us if we could just say, yes, sometimes it freaking sucks and it hurts and I want to run away, but you know what? I don't, we fight and we try and we pray and we stay and we believe it will get better... and if it doesn't, if it doesn't? That doesn't make us any less of people and it sure as heck doesn't mean we don't love each other--maybe we loved each other even more...
I never have believed in easy love. My first example was Jesus. Jesus stretched out his arms, had his hands and feet nailed to a cross, had a spear ran through his side out of pure love, and died for us and people still rejected and reject him--ask him how easy love was.
I have always had a crazy strong work ethic--no applause--because I have always HAD to. Anything I have ever wanted in life I've had to work for--anything. Nothing has ever been given to me. Nothing. Maybe I read too many English novels--Les Mis (okay, that is French), Jane Eyre, Mansfield Park, Emma, Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights... never easy... but it was real. And if you asked me if this is how I would have pictured marriage many years ago, I would have said no, but would any of us have said yes? (and if you are shaking your head yes, again, happiest to you!) But so much of it is life now--stress, our jobs that consume so much of our energy, time, emotion (and for those of us that teach the physical and emotional part of that is so draining when it often goes unnoticed or unappreciated by parents, administration, the general population... wah, wah, wah, I know... but can we agree on how backwards this country has become when it's easier for someone to buy a gun then for me to find a psychiatrist or form of aid for a kid that needs help? ridiculous!!!) and then after that ten hour day, we come home to love and nurture our children--or try our best--and give time and energy and love to our spouse.
And we LOVE our kids and we want what is best for them--the VERY best for them--and sometimes THEY have struggles--big struggles--and that adds stress--it just does--and I don't give a crap if that makes me sound like a bad parent--it creates stress. And you do anything you can for them--and there goes any room for sleep you had--go ahead and call me selfish. So there's all that "stuff" on top of everything else--and no time to communicate--so of course it's going to be difficult.
And it gets so LOUD--all these persons needing, voicing, stressing, feeling--a massive ball and explosion that we don't have time for because we have to hurry up and get to this and then hurry up and get to bed because my poor children NEVER get enough sleep. And then my oldest blames himself--all that damn homework (I'm stupid--if I wasn't so stupid math wouldn't take me so long)... Hey, if your mother wasn't so stupid, she could understand it and help you with it so I wouldn't have to ask you to ask your dad who gets frustrated with all the new fangled ways they teach math anymore and Max ends up teaching US how to do it... and then G just runs around pushing every one's buttons cause he's G and that's what little boys named G do...
So, yes, I feel like we're holding on for dear life. Marty, me, and God--because it takes three. Not so romantic, no, but I don't care. I have never, ever been a fan of Nicholas Sparks. My mother in law lent me the Notebook when it came out and it induced vomiting, not pitter patters, sorry.
I do believe you have to fight for what you want and what you need because the world is a crazy insane and sin filled place that is full of distractions--yes. The same goes for your kids. Have you visited a classroom (heck even a preschool room) lately, sporting event, talked to your kid about his or her friends? It's a tough world out there--lots of junk, negativity, things not of God that take so much pro activity as parents (that I'm pretty sure isn't found on video games, the ipad or TV for the most part)--and I will not stop reading the Bible and saying prayers every night with my kids--and Marty is so awesome at doing it with the boys on nights I am just spent. We won't budge on that. It's not easy if you're doing it right--it's just not. But it shouldn't be so hard that it's depleting you. Yes, you will be tired, worn out, flipping exhausted--cause life is hard and I want to make sure I'm being a good wife, mommy and friend and sometimes that takes more than 24 hours in my day--not that kind of depleting.
It needs to be worth it. Worth ALL of that. Worth that tired, that sick, that so worn out I can't do this anymore feeling...
WORTH ALL OF THAT...
And I can truly say, that I can look at my husband, my boys, this life we live and God has created for us, this family I come home to every night, and I KNOW that... so that's enough for me to take a short nap and start again the next day...
But I will never, ever judge someone who doesn't know that--because that is their talk with God, their walk with God, and NOT mine. And no one ever knows any one else's walk--truly knows it--but that person and God. No matter how much you know God. Please do not confuse the two.
Instead, let's support one another, love one another, and be each other's bucket fillers (as my blessed little four year old is always reminding us--to fill each other's buckets -- or "buttets" as he calls them)--because no one EVER says, "Man, I've had WAY too much encouragement today!!!".
Peace, love, and understanding -- may they all fill your buckets!!!
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