A Mind Awake...

I just like it because it is beautiful--randomly beautiful...

I wish I could switch off my brain for the evening.  It is much too late and this momma was up much too early and put in a ten hour day with wee ones then home again, home again for a few more hours with a few of her own who are getting much too big.  Damn time!  Nothing profound going on up there, just the stuff of life--and I can't let go--like tiny fingers wrapping around and squeezing my brain (of whose size you can be the judge... ;))
And why can I not let go of this day?  It's quiet now.  The boys are all asleep.  The troubles, the trials, the laughter, the hard work, the hugs the kisses--they are all done now--still as the night.  All that's left is the sound of the boy's "Sleep Sound In Jesus" CD, singing on repeat, to keep away the boogie men... (there are several--some hide in the closet, some under the bed...)
And I just can't let go of it all.  Just sitting here, partially enjoying the stillness and also partly feeling nailed down by it.  Immobile.  Because this kind of quiet makes my mind whir in crazy circles--fast and without purpose--all wheels spinning at once--all forms of thought in chaos--for that moment of clarity they may claim in this silence that doesn't come very often except for so very, very late--when lucidity of thought is, well, just not lucid...
I have pills for this.  Honestly, I am trying very hard to have less pills for this.  The reality of this came when I was so tired and feeling quite crappy last week and asked my husband to bring me all of my medications before I went to bed.  The look on his face as he handed them all to me made me feel terrible, "You take all these pills?".  Welcome to my world, honey.  Yes, every single morning and every single night.  You think I'm crazy now, babe, you should see me off my meds ;)...
I meditate, practice yoga, I know Jesus loves me, and we pray our guts out and read our Bible fervently here.  I have been finding the boy's Bible readings to be particularly enjoyable as they are always spot on for what is going on in our days.  God speaks to us, he really does.  Maybe that's why my ears have been hurting so badly.  It's not this Mal de Debarquement syndrome--it's that he's had to practically yell at this child of his lately to get me to listen...
Sorting it all out.  All this stuff.  Putting it in piles in my mind, sweeping up some junk I'd like to throw out, but I always keep everything, and trying to gain a sense of order up there.  It hurts.  And I have meds for that too.  And I know all these little prescriptions are designed to keep me mobile, keep me moving, keep me putting one foot in front of the other--I get that--as here I am, up, up, up after being up all night the night before and getting up at 4:30 a.m. for work--I need rest--I understand--my clockwork is just off, is all...  I am just off, is all...
And I want to go snuggle in with my boys--all peaceful and sweet after we had a chaotic schedule after work and school of track practice for daddy, baseball practice for Max, homework (I can not begin to tell you how much I loathe fourth grade math), figuring out a quick dinner, baths, Bible time, prayers, and bed--and all that ensues between those activities can be anything but peaceful.  And here they are in this moment--peaceful--and now I have to go to bed?
I will, I must, the day is full tomorrow...  Someday I will get this down, I will be a better mommy, person, and fix what ever it is that is all crooked and bent about this body and mind...  And yet, I strongly rebel against it being hammered out all too smoothly--because that somehow, just isn't me...

Hoping you are all peacefully sleeping like my boys while the dragons in my head play hockey ;) ... 

I'm not going to stay awake too much longer to find out the score...

Rest, love, and much more rest, to you all...

Now I Know My ABC's

Most of us in education look forward to continuing ed hours as much as we look forward to a trip to the dentist--tolerable, but something that just has to be done and not something that we really enjoy.  And when you've been in the field for so long, it's easy to get into the mind set "I dare you to teach me something NEW!".  Really, after twelve years, what crazy new ideas can you give me.  I've been through the trenches, I've seen it all, and quite frankly, every year it just gets worse...  I mean really, what light bulb moment is going to happen that is worth taking me away from my family that I hardly ever get to see due to our crazy schedules for an entire morning and afternoon?

So, it's pretty obvious, I've been in a bit of a rut lately.  You could say a tad discouraged, maybe even depressed--yes.  Wondering what else I could possibly do with this degree I worked so hard for so many years ago?  Waking up before 6 a.m. yesterday morning to go to this conference, I really just wanted to get it over with, get home, and figure out what in the world I was going to do with the rest of my life.  I know I love working with kids.  That is not the issue.  The issue is, I am thoroughly exhausted, feel unsupported, unappreciated and do not feel respected--and now I have to give up a Saturday with my family on top of that.  So here we go, let's get this requirement over with.  Great attitude, right?

Wow--and the day became one of those "God things".  The speaker blew me away!  Amazing does not even begin to cut it.  She had been a kindergarten teacher, worked with at risk teens (lived with them as a house mom), was a principal, and now worked with high risk special needs kids (her calling) all week and then flew out on the weekends to give these seminars to encourage teachers.  Talk about being in the trenches and having been there!!!  This wasn't someone with less education then I had telling me I needed to get more education, this wasn't someone with less experience then I had telling me I needed more (or not even aware of or asking me what my experience was or IS or what I do on a weekly basis outside of my job to further educate myself)--this was someone who knew far more and had been through it ALL, managed and experienced far more than I and was respecting where I was coming from, asking my opinion, and wanting to support and help me.  Wow.  It was literally like whip lash.  I cried.  Was she for real? 

She was so POSITIVE, so ENCOURAGING, so RESPECTFUL, so UPLIFTING.  I was literally at the end of my rope.  She didn't give me just a knot to hold on to--she gave me a platform to stand on.  Yes, my career path IS important.  I am not just a body.  What I have to offer is unique to me.  She began the conference by saying, "We go to work everyday and we help build people."  She had me at "hello"... :)

We talked about how stressful our positions are and how teachers have their own unique stressors.  The key to those stressors is having an administrative system that will consistently support their staff.  We deal with so much--and that 'so much' can be just a, b, c, d in one little child and one family and then add 22 more plus kids to that mix and more families and portfolios and paperwork and long hours and more behavior problems and worrying about children, etc. etc. etc.  And when you're feeling all this distress, it's hard to think clearly.  (so that's my problem... ;))  And we, as teachers, take that all on.  And it takes its toll.  So, if you don't have an administration that supports you--let's face it, it's not a perfect world--what do you do?!? You have to take care of yourself.  You do.  And therein lies my problem.  I worry too much,  and I always tell myself, "someone HAS to care--if not their parents, if not the people that should--I have to" but when no one is listening, what do you do?  You do all you can, and you HAVE to take care of you.  You are no good to anyone if you don't take care of yourself.  I needed a grown up to tell me that--besides my doctor--who then always puts me on an extra vitamin and tells me to get more sleep...  I just wish they made band aids for everything...

She also talked about managing that pressure that threatens to overwhelm you so well by changing the way you think about situations.  Attitude is everything.  I can not take on everything.  I can only change me.  "You can only change yourself and how you look at things."  She talked about having a visual support system at work.  Y'all have seen my bulletin board of photos of family and friends and kids at my "office" :) --it's over flowing.  I do this because I need this in the classroom.  And when she started talking about this I thought of a conversation I had with a co-worker as I was putting more pictures up last week--it really does help me.  She talked about how important it is for us to be able to do that in our classrooms.  I do need to think differently about my job and perhaps look at it more in a 'detached' perspective.  These children all become "my children" and I see my boys in their eyes (be they girls or boys :)) and I think 'how would I want someone to treat my babies?'.  I can't fix it all.  But I can love them all...  My favorite quote of hers of the day, "You can lean on excuse or focus on what you can control."  Amen, sister (she's my new bff, she just doesn't know it yet ;)).

She talked about bringing joy and relaxation into our lives by bringing it into our classrooms--getting more goofy and silly with the kids--which we do--but bringing it out more.  More singing and dancing, having a laugh-a-thon with the kids, having a "comfort kit" in our classrooms, and relaxation exercises the kids can do (smelling the flower or blowing out the candles--loved this one--holding up five fingers and pretending they are candles and blowing out each one like they are candles on a birthday cake).  Just small things to either elevate or bring calm to classroom.  We all need those small things as teachers...

We talked about Magic Wishes, and Bear Caves and Silly Pirates, and King of Hearts and all kinds of fun, tangible, concrete ideas.  She did not push product.  In fact, she would put a few onscreen and say, "but you don't need this, you can make your own."  We talked about new ways to INVOLVE PARENTS (thank you!!!) and being a parent myself, I appreciated that she respected that we don't always have the TIME we would like to spend and we often feel guilty about that and would LIKE to be more involved but work, our other kids and schedules, impede upon this.  One of her suggestions, coming from a momma who LOVES her pictures, was so cool.  She suggested we have parents donate disposable cameras if they would like to.  Write the child's name on it and take photos of that child doing various things throughout their day (art projects, dancing/singing, playing on the playground, in the gym, etc.) and when it's all used up, put it in their cubby and the parent can then get it developed.  Costs us nothing!  And the parent gets those mommy/daddy moments they are missing throughout their child's day.  LOVE it :)! 

We talked about behavioral issues--which seem to be on the rise--and another quote I took away, "You CAN NOT teach a new skill set if the brain is in crisis".  So true.  And yet how many times does that go ignored?  She also was careful to stress that what ever you pay attention to is what will continue in your classroom--so pay attention to what is going right.  When a child is throwing a tantrum in your classroom, make sure they are safe, then walk around the class room and praise the children who are doing what they should be doing "Claire, you are building such a great structure out of blocks over here!  Michael, I love the way you are sharing that book with Emma!".  I needed that reminder.  So often the misbehavior is the behavior that gets the most attention.  I need to be more mindful of what I am paying attention to.  Unfortunately, the tantrums in our classrooms tend to be more violent and in that case, I will unapologetically call administration and attend to what is going right in our classroom.  Thankfully I have amazing co-teachers as well!  Love you guys!

This was my "aha" moment.  She talked about the three reasons why we all do something--from zero to 110:  1.  to gain something, 2, to avoid losing something, and 3. because you love someone.  She said for a child that has major behavior challenges and problems, number one and two aren't going to matter.  Have you ever tried a behavior chart with these kids and threatened to take their sticker away and heard, "fine, I don't like stickers anyway!"?  You have to have a relationship with them.  SO important. 

 

We talked about self regulation, redirection with purpose, and getting through to those kids that are going through emotional pain.  We talked about lying, why kids do it, why it begins at this age, playing the "true and untrue game" (loved this one), tattling, having a tattle box or tattle walkie talkie in the room, enhancing social/emotional development through movement, fun moving ways to do math, fun ways to do the ABC's and literacy, music as a way to involve parents and build teamwork, how to teach respect, strategies to teach children to be responsible and handle disappointments appropriately, teaching children emotional literacy, instilling honesty and unselfishness, and we also talked about children who hurt themselves and when this becomes excessive behavior. I could go on and on, and this is getting lengthy, so anyone who want my notes, I can make copies, I'm going to try to wrap this up.  All in all, an amazing day!  My brain was mush by the end of it (but in a good way) :)!

If you get an opportunity to see Ms. Pearl speak, do.  Please do.  It was the spark and cognitive earthquake I needed to continue. Love and peace to you all--and happy hugs and nose wiping! :)

"With just one small voice singing out a song; with just one small voice singing sweet and strong, One by one they'll grow, and together sing along, and then soon all the world will be singing."

That girl...

Yes, it is true...  I am THAT girl.  The girl with the camera, always taking pictures, of you, of your kids, of my kids, at every event imaginable, every gathering, making copies of pictures, sending them to you, I just can't help myself, click, snap, there I am...
 
I know it drives some of my friends crazy.  They put up with it because it's me.  Just as my eyes are blue and my heart is sensitive, my hand will more than likely be holding a camera--it's a part of my 'make up', let's say.
 
There are several "reasons" for this--as I've analyzed myself--another part of my 'make up' ;).  One, I don't remember much of my childhood, and any memories I do have are pretty abysmal.  I don't have much, and I want my kids to have volumes.  Beautiful, sunshiny, precious, lovely, gorgeous, volumes of history.  Judging by the shelves and baskets full of photo albums and Shutterfly books we've compiled, we're on our way :).  Second, I love my friends and family--LOVE them.  They are the reason I breathe, the reason I get up every day.  When I get down in the dumps and question every thing every now and again, these are the treasures I get out and peruse through with a cup of tea--and I count my blessings--gold, this is my silver and gold.  Third, goes along with the memory department--one of my biggest fears, as I have shared with some of you--is not dying.  I completely accept dying.  It is forgetting before I die.  That scares me more than anything in this life.  I remember watching my great Grandmother, and wouldn't you know it, I've forgotten her name, go through Alzheimer's, as a little girl and she was so mean to my sisters and I--and it scared me that she didn't know who we were, insisted we were someone else, and yet we were forced to visit and be around this poor woman who didn't care for our company.  I don't want to be that girl.  So I take these pictures.  Tons of pictures.  And as I've joked to Deb and Shelly, at least I'll have a billion pictures of people I don't know ;).

In this life, we all have our "things".  Mine just happen to be my loves, my friends, my family and they are what keep me going, walking, living, breathing, surviving this chaos of life -- along with the good Lord above -- and as prayer and the good Word are reminders and jump start my faith -- photographs around my home, my work place, my heart, my purse, keep my spirit uplifted also.  I'm not alone in this walk.  God has blessed my boys and this family with such kindred spirits -- and as time has a way of passing by so quickly and moving people from here to there -- I will keep snapping away and catching those glimpses and pockets of memories, saving them for a split second and freezing them in still moments to look back on again and again in those quiet moments when life seems to need a glimmer of happy, a shot of blessing...  and the boys and I can snuggle up with blankets and albums and giggle and smile and say "remember when?"... 

and I thank all of you for so graciously putting up with the camera in your face and being part of this family of ours ...  we hope you know how much we love you and what blessings you are to us...  don't worry, I'll leave the camera home tonight for the St. Pat's festivities...  ;) 

Yoga lessons...

I did my morning yoga routine bright and early as usual.  Sometimes it makes me feel youthful and I am amazed by my body--its strength and flexibility--what we are able to do with the form that God gave us and by using just the weight of our own bodies to create muscle and fluidity of movement to exercise--with only a mat required.  Utterly amazed.  We are miracles!  Today I felt that, but I also felt achy, and a little creaky, and maybe a smidgen older ;).  I also hadn't had my proper quota of coffee. 
I find myself challenged by this exercise, physically and mentally.  It gives me cause to pause, to breathe, and connects me to my body--forces me at times--as it requires me to balance and focus in ways that no other form of exercise does.  I have to concentrate.  I can't think of anything else.  If I do, I just may fall over ;)...
I also have found a new yoga buddy in my oldest son.  He loves it!  In fact, I have to admit (another mommy of the year moment) last Saturday he was begging me to do yoga again.  We had just finished reading together and I was soooooo tired--barely keeping my eyes open tired (reading does that to me--I think it's the sitting still for that long part).  I had done my session already that morning and it was getting close to bed time and I just, quite honestly, wanted to be LAZY--there I said it! :)  He rolled out our mats on the bedroom floor.  He saw how tired I was and asked if he could do it by himself anyway, and I told him, "sure".  The worst part?  I continued to sit on the bed and watch him -- eating ice cream, straight out of the container...  I told you, mother of the year!!!  But, it makes me so happy that he loves it as much as I do and it makes him feel so good too.  He's also finding he's able to do more push ups in baseball practice--added bonus :).
We all need focus, to find our center, to find balance in this crazy life, to be able to breathe...  Yoga helps me do that.  I've been doing it since I was 22, and it's always been my fall back exercise when I hurt myself running.  Now it seems to be my fallback for just getting older ;).  It helps me de-stress and it's also helping me connect with my children on another level.  Griffyn's got moves I've never seen (and I keep current with Yoga Journal, so not sure which form he studies ;)) and he keeps me smiling. Especially since he calls it "Yoda".
I also find it helps me connect even more closely with God. While breathing, while focusing, while being still, it connects me to my faith.  And I am reminded that just as God was masterful, powerful, genius enough to create these amazing bodies of ours, he is God enough for me, for this family, and has a plan amidst the chaos of our lives--and I go back to my one of my favorite verses so often:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

He knows, I don't have to have it all figured out.  I don't have to even like it right now.  This, where I am right now, is where I am supposed to be.  I am living and breathing part of his plan in this moment.  My kids and all of their trials and tribulations?  Yep--you guessed it.  Part of his plan.  He's got this.  I don't need to feel like I have it all under control or question, question, question, question...  As long as my eyes are on him and I am being faithful, that is enough. 

I want my kids to seek their dreams, to believe they can have big ones, to feel secure, to have faith and to know that God is always, I mean ALWAYS going to be there for them--even when mommy and daddy may fail.  And we will.  We're not perfect.  I will not always say or do the right thing, I will be tired, I will not always be patient, but God is always there, and all of this is part of his perfect plan for you, for me, for all of us.  I have to know that, THEY have to know that.  He knows what's best.  And there is something so incredibly freeing, and yet scary (as my ten year old says) in that--I think it's because it forces you to be humble--to concede you don't know it all or have it all together--well honey, I am fully ready to concede to that!

But it also forces you to realize that it may be crappy for awhile and that this mud and manure pile, for lack of a better word, may be a place for you to grow.  Fertilizer, for your soul, if you will.  You don't have to stoop to the level of yuck around you, be crabby or thoughtless, but God is definitely working in me, teaching me something--and this time, I think it's that I need to just stop and stand still.  Really.  Sounds silly, but  much like a yoga pose of meditation, I believe he is telling me to stop and be still.  I don't have to fight this battle or change this place, this little cosmos that is my profession--I will show up and do what I need to do, be the light I need to be for him, but that is all I need to do in this moment he has me in this environment.  That is enough.  Be the best me he created me to be--and that is enough.  It's like he's telling me what I tell my kids "just do your best in my name, and I will always be proud of you" :).

I have enough and more important things going on at home.  That is where the bulk of my energy should be going.  That is where it is valued, appreciated and just where it really needs to be.  The other is just an empty vacuum where it is being used up and sucked away for no purpose.  And then, when God opens another opportunity in his perfect time, I will know, and I will follow where he leads.  Sigh.  He plans to prosper, not harm, give us hope, and a future.  Sounds good to me.  :)  We truly have nothing to fear when he is guiding our lives... nothing...

And out of all the yoga poses we do (Max loves inversions just as much as his mommy!  They are so fun! :)) the simplest and most relaxing is the child pose, which we do at the end of a long set to just calm down, relax, and breathe.  And this is how I come to God in these quiet moments.  As his child, just wanting protection from the insanity of life.  When communication does nothing because people lie and are not direct or honest so you get nowhere, when you feel trapped because you need insurance for your children and you have to pay your bills and you have to have a job but it just is really, really not the greatest situation, when your "super mom" cape has been at the cleaners for months on end and you're pretty sure they've lost it, when you're heart just hurts because you can't help someone you love so much like you want to help them and you know how they hurt and you feel how they hurt and you cry and you pray and you pray and you cry some more--I get on my knees and cry out to my Father and am so thankful from the depths of my soul that I can.  I am not a lost child.  I am HIS child.  And he has a plan for me.  Even in all this mess.  And he has a plan for you.  Even in all this mess.  And in the really good stuff too.  There is a plan.  There is hope, there is prosperity, there is a future.  And it's a good one. 

 

Love and peaceful moments... 

 

even when the moments aren't peaceful...

 

Love you, friends.