A Mind Awake...

I just like it because it is beautiful--randomly beautiful...

I wish I could switch off my brain for the evening.  It is much too late and this momma was up much too early and put in a ten hour day with wee ones then home again, home again for a few more hours with a few of her own who are getting much too big.  Damn time!  Nothing profound going on up there, just the stuff of life--and I can't let go--like tiny fingers wrapping around and squeezing my brain (of whose size you can be the judge... ;))
And why can I not let go of this day?  It's quiet now.  The boys are all asleep.  The troubles, the trials, the laughter, the hard work, the hugs the kisses--they are all done now--still as the night.  All that's left is the sound of the boy's "Sleep Sound In Jesus" CD, singing on repeat, to keep away the boogie men... (there are several--some hide in the closet, some under the bed...)
And I just can't let go of it all.  Just sitting here, partially enjoying the stillness and also partly feeling nailed down by it.  Immobile.  Because this kind of quiet makes my mind whir in crazy circles--fast and without purpose--all wheels spinning at once--all forms of thought in chaos--for that moment of clarity they may claim in this silence that doesn't come very often except for so very, very late--when lucidity of thought is, well, just not lucid...
I have pills for this.  Honestly, I am trying very hard to have less pills for this.  The reality of this came when I was so tired and feeling quite crappy last week and asked my husband to bring me all of my medications before I went to bed.  The look on his face as he handed them all to me made me feel terrible, "You take all these pills?".  Welcome to my world, honey.  Yes, every single morning and every single night.  You think I'm crazy now, babe, you should see me off my meds ;)...
I meditate, practice yoga, I know Jesus loves me, and we pray our guts out and read our Bible fervently here.  I have been finding the boy's Bible readings to be particularly enjoyable as they are always spot on for what is going on in our days.  God speaks to us, he really does.  Maybe that's why my ears have been hurting so badly.  It's not this Mal de Debarquement syndrome--it's that he's had to practically yell at this child of his lately to get me to listen...
Sorting it all out.  All this stuff.  Putting it in piles in my mind, sweeping up some junk I'd like to throw out, but I always keep everything, and trying to gain a sense of order up there.  It hurts.  And I have meds for that too.  And I know all these little prescriptions are designed to keep me mobile, keep me moving, keep me putting one foot in front of the other--I get that--as here I am, up, up, up after being up all night the night before and getting up at 4:30 a.m. for work--I need rest--I understand--my clockwork is just off, is all...  I am just off, is all...
And I want to go snuggle in with my boys--all peaceful and sweet after we had a chaotic schedule after work and school of track practice for daddy, baseball practice for Max, homework (I can not begin to tell you how much I loathe fourth grade math), figuring out a quick dinner, baths, Bible time, prayers, and bed--and all that ensues between those activities can be anything but peaceful.  And here they are in this moment--peaceful--and now I have to go to bed?
I will, I must, the day is full tomorrow...  Someday I will get this down, I will be a better mommy, person, and fix what ever it is that is all crooked and bent about this body and mind...  And yet, I strongly rebel against it being hammered out all too smoothly--because that somehow, just isn't me...

Hoping you are all peacefully sleeping like my boys while the dragons in my head play hockey ;) ... 

I'm not going to stay awake too much longer to find out the score...

Rest, love, and much more rest, to you all...