I dream of sleep...

sometimes I get a little jealous that my boys can pass out just about anywhere...

We all have them, at least I hope it's not just me, those night after nights of no sleep, running on caffeine and the occasional sugar fix thanks to hot tamales for breakfast, right?  Okay, so just me then ;).
I just thought at this point in my life, since my children are three and nine years of age, that I would be sleeping through it--night, that is.  No more waking up to feed a fussy baby, change a diaper, or change the entire crib due to blow outs, spit ups, and the typhoons of bodily fluids babies seem to be able to project at any given hour.  No more staying up all night listening to their breathing when they're not feeling well and getting up countless times to feel foreheads.  That was years ago, and yet, here I am--still constantly being woken up at the senseless hour of 3 a.m.~~just like clockwork.  It's Griffyn's "sleeping" schedule.
It wouldn't be so bad if Daddy could help out every once in awhile, but G won't have anything to do with Marty at these wee hours of the morning.  He will scream at the top of his lungs, or in a very grouchy husky voice (he likes to alternate, depending on his mood), "I WANT MOMMY!!!".   I want to scream back at him, depending on my mood, "I WANT SLEEP!". 
Inevitably, I wake up so sore--from his little feet always seeming to find my back and give it several kicks from 3 to 6 a.m. (I think he dreams about "Kung Fu Panda" alot ;)) and he just has to be holding on to me in some form--usually it's his hands all wrapped up in my hair (really been meaning to get it all cut off ;)).  Needless to say, I don't really get any sleep past 3.  Makes getting around for work lots of fun--and I just wish, one night, he could just let Daddy attend to his needs.  I wouldn't even care if Marty had to bribe him with candy at this point~~maybe I should hide a stash of suckers on Marty's side of the bed ;)...
G tells me he gets up because he misses me.  He wants to "tuddle" and he just "yubs" me.  So, I feel bad, and a smidge guilty--on top of sore, tired, and cranky.  I mean really, how can I ostracise the kid when all he wants is to have some cuddles with Mommy when he wakes up?  I should be flattered that I'm the first person that pops into his head when he wakes up at all hours of the night, every single night, right?  So, feeling like a terrible mom for bemoning my lack of sleep when it stems from my kid just "yubbing" me and wanting to be with me.  Maybe I could lock his bedroom door when I put him to sleep...  Hmmmmmmmm...  Kidding!!!  Only kidding!!!
I keep hearing that sleep deprivation is the root of weight gain (something about stress and cortisol) and a host of all kinds of other health issues relating to our bodies ability to retain immunity against germs and how sleep deprivation can cause memory loss (or make you "stupid").  Our bodies, apparently, need the occasional rest period.  But I can't stress out about my lack of sleep, because stress is terrible for your body too.  I have pills to take, but I think they don't work as well if you aren't allowed uninterrupted sleep--so I wake up even groggier and crabbier.  According to Dr. Oz, I should try a gluten free diet for a few weeks to see if that remedies my headaches and tiredness (since 99 percent of the population that has a gluten allergy doesn't know that they have one).  If in that two weeks time I feel better, more rested, and have less headaches, then I have a gluten allergy.  Nope, pretty sure I'd still be as tired as all get out.  Pretty sure I just need the real zzzzzzzzzzz's.  But thanks for the suggestion...  May still try it just for fun.  Would be awesome if that was the remedy :).
Doing the best I can.  It seems that most of us are in the same boat.  Sleepily paddling along.  Clonk me on the head if I'm drifting when you paddle by, please ;)...
 Women just amaze me.  We can do so much with so little, and still manage to take care of our own families successfully--at least, in my sleep deprived delirium, it seems some what successful ;).  I am constantly encouraged by my mommy friends.  We're kind of awesome :).
And yes, I have been given the suggestion of drugging up my child with benadryl at night (given in good humor) and as we all have crazy allergies over here, I do have it in stock...  But wouldn't ya know it, G is one of those rare kids that gets even more hyper on the stuff ;).  He just breaks all the conventional "rules"... 
It's not horrendous.  Just annoying.  Coffee and tea are my best friends.  That coffee pot is set to go off on it's own at 5 a.m. every morning and I wake up to a steaming pot of Verona goodness that jilts my brain just enough to get into the shower and get moving.  And, Dr. Oz says it's good for me--so I can drink as much as I want ;). 
Keep trudging away...

Babies, babies everywhere!



Max meeting his baby brother for the first time... (and one of the very few times Griffyn took a binky :))

"For babies people have to pay,

A heavy price from day to day~

There is no way to get one cheap,

Why, sometimes when they're fast asleep,

You have to get up in the night,

And go and see if they're alright.

But what they cost in constant care

And worry, does not half compare,

With what they bring of JOY of BLISS~

You'd pay much more for just a kiss."

Edgar Guest

For the past two years, my heart has been pining away for another little baby.  I have two boys, that in varying degrees and for different reasons, take lots of time~~and I am fortunate to have a job, that however exhausting it may be, allows me to work 30 hours a week in three days.  I feel very blessed and thank God daily.  Yet, I never seem to have enough time to be the mommy I want to be.  We take it one day at a time.  And yet, I'd give anything for another one~~just solidifying my craziness ;).  And no, it's not because I want to have a girl.  I'd take another boy in a heartbeat.  But bows and tutu's would be fun :).  My brain doesn't work on reason, as you who love me know, it goes too much by feelings~~so I don't see this situation in dollars and cents (or sense, for that matter).  I see it through the eyes of another life to love and nurture--and even more kisses and hugs! :)
And all around me, it seems like ALL (so a slight exaggeration, but very close) of my girlfriends are having babies.  Babies, babies everywhere.  And while I am over the moon with delight and joy for these dear friends of mine, there is a little pang of sadness as well--a slight "ouch", if you will.  I can't wait to cuddle all these dear little ones up in my arms and shower them with kisses, but it's just not the same.  A very lovely second, however, that I will gratefully accept.
I'm 35.  Let's be honest.  After 35, having a baby becomes statistically fraught with more concerns and hiccups.  I understand that.  I have two, awesome and amazing boys already, and I should be content and thankful~~and I truly am.  I don't take them for granted and know how spoiled I am.  Just the thought of never, EVER, never, ever, ever ,ever, having a little baby and all the firsts and milestones that come with another growing soul thoroughly depresses me.  I blame this on why I shop so much.  It's filling a void (yes, I know,  I have so many ;)), but it truly is an emptiness for me, an ache, that dulls and then comes on again in full furry...  Which begs the age old question, "What is wrong with me?" ;)...
One very wise friend of mine told me that the greatest gifts we can give our children is each other.  I think this is so very true.  Teaching them how to love, appreciate, and respect each other is one of the toughest and most joyful aspects of parenting.  Throughout our crazy existence and journey on this earth, I always have my sisters and my brother.   I know and feel this down to my core.  A love that runs so deep and can survive so much.  For this reason, I am so glad that Griff and Max have each other (however much G may drive Max crazy right now).  My heart is so full when I hear Max read to Griffyn, try--in his gentlest of voices--to teach him his colors, letters, even how to read...  Shares his time with his friends (who G can't get enough of), and gives him lots of hopeful stories that are preceded by, "When you get to be my age..." ;).  When Griff hears that garage door open and screams, "It's MY Max" and runs to the door to hug his big brother with a "I missed you SO MUCH!".  When G wants Max to "tuddle" with him at night in his bed, "tause I dust yub you", and when they snuggle up together on the couch watching a movie and are just content in each other's company~~yeah, that's all totally awesome.  They'll always have each other--and as opposite as they are, they will teach each other so much and be "so dood" (as G says) for each other.  I'd like to add one more to that love pool :).
I know I'm thoroughly spent most days and don't sleep as it is, and have a job that demands everything from me and leaves little left for my family in the evening--and that could very well be an argument against having another child.  But I see it in a different light--I'm already tired, already don't sleep well, so why not have another one? ;)  And how the boys would love another baby!!!  G has been begging for a baby for so long.  Last Sunday, while looking through the adds, he saw a baby in a Target advertisement.  He brought it over to Marty and said, "Yook, Daddy.  I'm donna buy dat baby for momma so see tan snuggle it."  They would be the most adoring two big brothers a child has ever known.
I must let go.  I am content.  I am so very, very grateful.  Just the thought of "never again" and having someone tell me 'no' and be able to make that decision for me when I just don't feel "done" yet is so hard~obviously.  I'm being a big ole baby myself over this, I know.  I'll put myself in a time out ;). 
I know it's selfish also.  A large part of me feels like motherhood is the only thing I've ever truly been semi-good at.  I enjoy it--heck, I love it more than anything :)~~cookies and chocolate being a close second ;).  It's why I get up in the morning, it's why I do anything, really.  To borrow from "Jerry McGuire", my children 'complete me'.  I've never worried that I wouldn't have enough time or love to give~~somehow it all just spreads itself around.  And I want more :).
The harsh, to me, reality is~it's not ever going to happen.  I will enjoy all these new little peoples coming into the world with all my heart.  I will do my best to go with the ebb and flow of this pang, this pull, this ache.  It will eventually go away.  I will continue to devote everything I have to these two big guys of mine (as Max is just a head shorter than me and G has insisted I stop calling him my baby ;)) and fill my soul with such contentment that I will truly be able to smile and say that I don't regret not ever having another one, one day--by the grace of God :). 
So, friends and family, keep on having those babies.  And you know who to call when you need a sitter.  The boys and I would be more than happy to lend a hand, and a pair of snugly arms too.   Truly, children are our greatest blessings!

It looks like Griffyn is smiling in this photo too! :)  Such a proud big brother!

Yet another sick day...

worn out and very sick little boy...

Griff came into our room between the wee hours of 3 and 4 a.m. as he always does.  He always wakes up and wants to snuggle with Mommy and Daddy.  This time, he had more on his mind then snuggling.  Puke again at our house.  Seems like we just got rid of this stuff.  The boys and I have been fighting a nasty cold virus since Christmas, but we've all just kept trudging through.  Can't trudge through the flu.  It knocks you off your feet--and your head into the toilet.
He has not been able to keep anything down--not even water.  I'm attempting to get laundry done and put away while he drifts in and out of sleep.  Cold wash cloths on his head, and as long as no green bile or blood is coming up with his forceful vomiting, the doc doesn't want to see us.  I don't blame her.  I really don't want to clean vomit out of my car either.
So much for flu shots.  We get them every year.  With the boy's asthma, it's not much of a choice--being as the flu the shot guards against is respiratory related.  I have asthma as well, and the shot is mandated where I work.  I know there are thousands of strains.  I guess we keep getting the one (along with everyone else) the shot didn't prepare our bodies for.
He's a tough kid.  It's been a long past couple of months.  Generally we can soldier through with cold meds and me my green tea, but the pukey stuff has hit our house hard now twice.  Hoping it skips the rest of us this go round. 
Lysol and bleach, and the sensi burner going to make the house smell like sugar cookies instead of a sick ward.  G on the bed with his favorite blanket--the rest of the bedding in the dryer--puke bowl by his side.  He wants to eat and drink something so bad.  I just let him have a little bit of plain yogurt.  We'll see how this goes (or come up). 
Marty's taking the shift tomorrow.  He'll be in good hands with daddy.  He's very into the movie "ET" right now, just no popcorn :(.  He and daddy can snuggle and watch it together.
Hope to catch a few winks myself here as the washer and dryer are humming away.  All I do is lie there and listen to his little body as it seems to be working so hard to breathe--his poor nose is still all stuffed up too.  And may I suggest steering clear from anything purple--pop sickles, pedialite, etc.  It seems to stain pretty badly.  Orange fared a bit better. 
Time to snuggle by my little guy and try to comfort him as much as I can.  Hang in there, mommas!  I keep thinking, this too shall pass~~literally ;)...

Monuments

"If I have a monument in this world, it is my son."
 Maya Angelou



My boys.  I have never know a greater earthly love.  A tie so tight sometimes it hurts.  I remember everyone telling me how hard it would be to go back to work after Max was born and how much I'd worry about him and miss him~~and then how "even harder" it would be with Griffyn since he was my "last baby".  However "unhealthy" this may seem to some, I haven't missed them any less any day since.  Whenever I am away from them, I wish they were with me.  As much as they can drive me absolutely to my wits end and patience's limit~~I can't stand to be without them.  They are my heart beating outside of my body. 

And those of you who know my children well, know that they are complete opposites (doesn't take more than a five minute observation :)).  They compliment and conflict ~ my yin and yang ~and life wouldn't be complete without either one.  They take every ounce of energy I have and leave me completely exhausted.  But I wouldn't change a thing (except for maybe one more baby~smile). 

And there must be a reason God blessed me with boys, if only to restore my faith in them :).  I'd love a girl, but would take another boy in a heart beat.  They are my little men and love and protect me with everything they have.  They worry when I'm sad and want me to be happy~~well, Griff does MOST of the time (heh, heh...).  The hugs, the "I yub you mommas", the hold my face in their hands and plant a giant one on me kisses, the "hold me pwease, tan you tuddle me, pwease?", the pictures of me (apparently my head is quite gigantic in Griffyn's eyes) to Max wanting to just be together while he reads (I always have health and parent magazines to catch up on, so this is our time when he asks for it), to the need for hugs and kisses for boo boos, to being the "best cookie maker ever!", to enjoying helping me bake and cook, to saying nightly prayers and having my boys thank God for US (seriously makes me smile and well up every night), to having magical powers to kiss and cuddle owies away and be the only person who can "do it like Mommy", to Max being able to talk to us about anything (even if he thinks we won't understand), to all the blessings of being a momma...  I am so thankful.  It is a privilege.  It is an immense honor--that God entrusts us with so much~~these souls, these lives!  Frightening and incredibly awesome all at once. 

And I pray every day that I may be a good wife and mom to this crew.  That God will give me the strength and energy and focus I need to do so--the patience, the stamina--cause you can have all the love in your heart this world can hold, but if you can't peal yourself off the floor after going for twelve hours then needing to care for your family after your day job--nothing is gonna happen (another smile). 

I also appreciate the little things my husband does and is teaching our boys.  Like tonight.  Family night.  We treasure them as we're always so busy.  Just us time.  We covet it and don't give it up for anything.  Vital, necessary, integral to keeping our family grounded in faith and love.  Being with friends is fun (when I'm feeling social ;)).  But we also need that "just us" time to catch up and just be who we are~together.  We work hard at this.  I appreciate that my husband value's it too.  Cause he's gone most of the time (ha!  knew that was coming, honey :)).  With both of our work schedules, his two jobs, and coaching and basketball (both he and Max), we have to carve it out and make sure it happens. 

Not that motherhood is all lollipops and rainbows.  Heavens no!!!  I haven't slept in ten years.  Light sleeper, yes, and my kids have never been super fabulous sleepers.  Max only seems to sleep in when he's sick, and G gets up around 3 a.m. often (then I can't get back to sleep).  I always am very happy for (and secretly want to slap out of sheer sinful envy) those mothers who's babies are sleeping through the night by three weeks.  Yay for them!  A little sarcasm?  No, but really, some body should be getting sleep, so good for them! :)  Sleep deprivation is just a part of life on any given day. 

Kids have "stuff" you have to deal with and wade through that will test everything...  namely your sanity--and mine was "fragile" (that's putting it nicely ;)) to begin with.  I doubt myself--so I lean on God--completely.   And a good pair of running shoes, chats with girlfriends, and a cup of tea!
Being a proactive mom to two little boys is very challenging in a world where much of what they see and are exposed to in the form of male role models is often negative.  Less than desirable cultural stereotypes and "roles" are so embedded into our culture.  It is too easy to let our sons fall into these stereotypes.  I can not be lazy~I must fervently teach them respect and to see the value in humanity.  Thankfully, these attributes are at the forefront of Christianity :).
If you want to get my blood boiling, say either one of these two things to me 1:  boys will be boys, or 2:  he's all boy.  These statements are usually precursors to explain, justify, and often dismiss violent/aggressive behavior toward another child.  If either of these are excuses for your child beating on another child or wrapping his hands around my child's neck, ya better think again (or start running, because I'll show you how girls can be girls!!!).  I am so thoroughly tired of gender stereotypes condoning and putting a penis on bad behavior and therefore perpetuating the acceptance of violence/aggression in this country.  My son is no less of a boy because he won't pound your kid back and doesn't enjoy kicking the crap out of someone.  He's no less of a boy because he CAN articulate his feelings and properly display his emotions.  I'm not raising a Neanderthal~I'm raising a man.   Let's have more respect for our sons.  Being a brat or a bully is not scientifically linked to a "boy" gene.  We really need to step it up as mom's in this department.  Our boys become what is expected of them, AND what is not.  I could go on, but will save for another entry.  Too many studies and journals to site.  Inflicting pain for sheer pleasure and dismissing the other child's feelings (or worse, berating that pain and expression of it as weak) does not make you a boy.  It makes you something quite vile.  The golden rule knows no gender. 

Where was I going with this?  Just that I'm so thankful and I take my position as these two boys' momma very seriously.  Nothing comes before them.  NOTHING!  I may not be a social butterfly, but I'd rather spend that time with my kids.  No apologies.  I may not know the first thing about anything anyone is talking about on TV, but again, I'm too busy with my children (and their programs come first :)).  It takes me forever to finish a book (and by forever I mean years).  "Real Boys" is my latest venture.  Page 213 out of 398~~read it.  Especially if you have or work with boys or just really, really love one (from 0 to 100 :)).  I love my real boys.  But, in the same vein, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.  I have found my bliss and my happiness--as someone described as "the sweet spot".  I don't feel like I'm giving anything up. 

This is an adventure that will last beyond this life and into eternity~~"to infinity and beyond"~~to borrow from Buzz Light Year.  As we love each other to the moon and farther, I think of the great, great journeys we have before us--and know God will give me the mental fortitude and strength to be present, be open, be loving, and hold them tight but give them the wings they need to fly.  Because he's promised me he will.   And although I'd love it if they could just live with Marty and I forever, I also look forward to watching the men they will become~~modern day knights and heroes to wives and children of their own.  And I hope I will always be "the best cookie maker ever" :). 

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." 

Mark Twain

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
-- T.S. Eliot

Etsy finds...

"Three little birds sat on my window, and they told me I don't need to worry..."

I love etsy. I rarely buy, but I love to look at all the the beautiful handmade things (and it is often overwhelming as there are so many in every genre imaginable) and marvel at the artistry, vision, and talents of other human beings. I also like the idea of supporting people, instead of big businesses that crank out product after product. Artisans make these products with devotion and love~not a big, cold, machine. They are truly little treasures and pieces of someone else. A bit too romantic?
I "discovered" the artist, Amy Giacomelli who hails from Monument, Colorado and owns the little shop SkyeArt.  I kind of fell in love. I adore simplicity. So much of life is complicated. She creates these very simple, organic pieces that revolve mostly around birds. Another love. They symbolize freedom to me with their gift of flight and escape (have yet to get my Picasso dove tattoo). A dear friend of mine gave me a bookmark that reads "she was on a journey back to her wings". I think of this quote as well. We all have wings, we just have to be brave enough to use them.
"Dare to live..." I appreciate the reminder stated so simply in the form of three little birds.