Babies, babies everywhere!



Max meeting his baby brother for the first time... (and one of the very few times Griffyn took a binky :))

"For babies people have to pay,

A heavy price from day to day~

There is no way to get one cheap,

Why, sometimes when they're fast asleep,

You have to get up in the night,

And go and see if they're alright.

But what they cost in constant care

And worry, does not half compare,

With what they bring of JOY of BLISS~

You'd pay much more for just a kiss."

Edgar Guest

For the past two years, my heart has been pining away for another little baby.  I have two boys, that in varying degrees and for different reasons, take lots of time~~and I am fortunate to have a job, that however exhausting it may be, allows me to work 30 hours a week in three days.  I feel very blessed and thank God daily.  Yet, I never seem to have enough time to be the mommy I want to be.  We take it one day at a time.  And yet, I'd give anything for another one~~just solidifying my craziness ;).  And no, it's not because I want to have a girl.  I'd take another boy in a heartbeat.  But bows and tutu's would be fun :).  My brain doesn't work on reason, as you who love me know, it goes too much by feelings~~so I don't see this situation in dollars and cents (or sense, for that matter).  I see it through the eyes of another life to love and nurture--and even more kisses and hugs! :)
And all around me, it seems like ALL (so a slight exaggeration, but very close) of my girlfriends are having babies.  Babies, babies everywhere.  And while I am over the moon with delight and joy for these dear friends of mine, there is a little pang of sadness as well--a slight "ouch", if you will.  I can't wait to cuddle all these dear little ones up in my arms and shower them with kisses, but it's just not the same.  A very lovely second, however, that I will gratefully accept.
I'm 35.  Let's be honest.  After 35, having a baby becomes statistically fraught with more concerns and hiccups.  I understand that.  I have two, awesome and amazing boys already, and I should be content and thankful~~and I truly am.  I don't take them for granted and know how spoiled I am.  Just the thought of never, EVER, never, ever, ever ,ever, having a little baby and all the firsts and milestones that come with another growing soul thoroughly depresses me.  I blame this on why I shop so much.  It's filling a void (yes, I know,  I have so many ;)), but it truly is an emptiness for me, an ache, that dulls and then comes on again in full furry...  Which begs the age old question, "What is wrong with me?" ;)...
One very wise friend of mine told me that the greatest gifts we can give our children is each other.  I think this is so very true.  Teaching them how to love, appreciate, and respect each other is one of the toughest and most joyful aspects of parenting.  Throughout our crazy existence and journey on this earth, I always have my sisters and my brother.   I know and feel this down to my core.  A love that runs so deep and can survive so much.  For this reason, I am so glad that Griff and Max have each other (however much G may drive Max crazy right now).  My heart is so full when I hear Max read to Griffyn, try--in his gentlest of voices--to teach him his colors, letters, even how to read...  Shares his time with his friends (who G can't get enough of), and gives him lots of hopeful stories that are preceded by, "When you get to be my age..." ;).  When Griff hears that garage door open and screams, "It's MY Max" and runs to the door to hug his big brother with a "I missed you SO MUCH!".  When G wants Max to "tuddle" with him at night in his bed, "tause I dust yub you", and when they snuggle up together on the couch watching a movie and are just content in each other's company~~yeah, that's all totally awesome.  They'll always have each other--and as opposite as they are, they will teach each other so much and be "so dood" (as G says) for each other.  I'd like to add one more to that love pool :).
I know I'm thoroughly spent most days and don't sleep as it is, and have a job that demands everything from me and leaves little left for my family in the evening--and that could very well be an argument against having another child.  But I see it in a different light--I'm already tired, already don't sleep well, so why not have another one? ;)  And how the boys would love another baby!!!  G has been begging for a baby for so long.  Last Sunday, while looking through the adds, he saw a baby in a Target advertisement.  He brought it over to Marty and said, "Yook, Daddy.  I'm donna buy dat baby for momma so see tan snuggle it."  They would be the most adoring two big brothers a child has ever known.
I must let go.  I am content.  I am so very, very grateful.  Just the thought of "never again" and having someone tell me 'no' and be able to make that decision for me when I just don't feel "done" yet is so hard~obviously.  I'm being a big ole baby myself over this, I know.  I'll put myself in a time out ;). 
I know it's selfish also.  A large part of me feels like motherhood is the only thing I've ever truly been semi-good at.  I enjoy it--heck, I love it more than anything :)~~cookies and chocolate being a close second ;).  It's why I get up in the morning, it's why I do anything, really.  To borrow from "Jerry McGuire", my children 'complete me'.  I've never worried that I wouldn't have enough time or love to give~~somehow it all just spreads itself around.  And I want more :).
The harsh, to me, reality is~it's not ever going to happen.  I will enjoy all these new little peoples coming into the world with all my heart.  I will do my best to go with the ebb and flow of this pang, this pull, this ache.  It will eventually go away.  I will continue to devote everything I have to these two big guys of mine (as Max is just a head shorter than me and G has insisted I stop calling him my baby ;)) and fill my soul with such contentment that I will truly be able to smile and say that I don't regret not ever having another one, one day--by the grace of God :). 
So, friends and family, keep on having those babies.  And you know who to call when you need a sitter.  The boys and I would be more than happy to lend a hand, and a pair of snugly arms too.   Truly, children are our greatest blessings!

It looks like Griffyn is smiling in this photo too! :)  Such a proud big brother!