Monuments

"If I have a monument in this world, it is my son."
 Maya Angelou



My boys.  I have never know a greater earthly love.  A tie so tight sometimes it hurts.  I remember everyone telling me how hard it would be to go back to work after Max was born and how much I'd worry about him and miss him~~and then how "even harder" it would be with Griffyn since he was my "last baby".  However "unhealthy" this may seem to some, I haven't missed them any less any day since.  Whenever I am away from them, I wish they were with me.  As much as they can drive me absolutely to my wits end and patience's limit~~I can't stand to be without them.  They are my heart beating outside of my body. 

And those of you who know my children well, know that they are complete opposites (doesn't take more than a five minute observation :)).  They compliment and conflict ~ my yin and yang ~and life wouldn't be complete without either one.  They take every ounce of energy I have and leave me completely exhausted.  But I wouldn't change a thing (except for maybe one more baby~smile). 

And there must be a reason God blessed me with boys, if only to restore my faith in them :).  I'd love a girl, but would take another boy in a heart beat.  They are my little men and love and protect me with everything they have.  They worry when I'm sad and want me to be happy~~well, Griff does MOST of the time (heh, heh...).  The hugs, the "I yub you mommas", the hold my face in their hands and plant a giant one on me kisses, the "hold me pwease, tan you tuddle me, pwease?", the pictures of me (apparently my head is quite gigantic in Griffyn's eyes) to Max wanting to just be together while he reads (I always have health and parent magazines to catch up on, so this is our time when he asks for it), to the need for hugs and kisses for boo boos, to being the "best cookie maker ever!", to enjoying helping me bake and cook, to saying nightly prayers and having my boys thank God for US (seriously makes me smile and well up every night), to having magical powers to kiss and cuddle owies away and be the only person who can "do it like Mommy", to Max being able to talk to us about anything (even if he thinks we won't understand), to all the blessings of being a momma...  I am so thankful.  It is a privilege.  It is an immense honor--that God entrusts us with so much~~these souls, these lives!  Frightening and incredibly awesome all at once. 

And I pray every day that I may be a good wife and mom to this crew.  That God will give me the strength and energy and focus I need to do so--the patience, the stamina--cause you can have all the love in your heart this world can hold, but if you can't peal yourself off the floor after going for twelve hours then needing to care for your family after your day job--nothing is gonna happen (another smile). 

I also appreciate the little things my husband does and is teaching our boys.  Like tonight.  Family night.  We treasure them as we're always so busy.  Just us time.  We covet it and don't give it up for anything.  Vital, necessary, integral to keeping our family grounded in faith and love.  Being with friends is fun (when I'm feeling social ;)).  But we also need that "just us" time to catch up and just be who we are~together.  We work hard at this.  I appreciate that my husband value's it too.  Cause he's gone most of the time (ha!  knew that was coming, honey :)).  With both of our work schedules, his two jobs, and coaching and basketball (both he and Max), we have to carve it out and make sure it happens. 

Not that motherhood is all lollipops and rainbows.  Heavens no!!!  I haven't slept in ten years.  Light sleeper, yes, and my kids have never been super fabulous sleepers.  Max only seems to sleep in when he's sick, and G gets up around 3 a.m. often (then I can't get back to sleep).  I always am very happy for (and secretly want to slap out of sheer sinful envy) those mothers who's babies are sleeping through the night by three weeks.  Yay for them!  A little sarcasm?  No, but really, some body should be getting sleep, so good for them! :)  Sleep deprivation is just a part of life on any given day. 

Kids have "stuff" you have to deal with and wade through that will test everything...  namely your sanity--and mine was "fragile" (that's putting it nicely ;)) to begin with.  I doubt myself--so I lean on God--completely.   And a good pair of running shoes, chats with girlfriends, and a cup of tea!
Being a proactive mom to two little boys is very challenging in a world where much of what they see and are exposed to in the form of male role models is often negative.  Less than desirable cultural stereotypes and "roles" are so embedded into our culture.  It is too easy to let our sons fall into these stereotypes.  I can not be lazy~I must fervently teach them respect and to see the value in humanity.  Thankfully, these attributes are at the forefront of Christianity :).
If you want to get my blood boiling, say either one of these two things to me 1:  boys will be boys, or 2:  he's all boy.  These statements are usually precursors to explain, justify, and often dismiss violent/aggressive behavior toward another child.  If either of these are excuses for your child beating on another child or wrapping his hands around my child's neck, ya better think again (or start running, because I'll show you how girls can be girls!!!).  I am so thoroughly tired of gender stereotypes condoning and putting a penis on bad behavior and therefore perpetuating the acceptance of violence/aggression in this country.  My son is no less of a boy because he won't pound your kid back and doesn't enjoy kicking the crap out of someone.  He's no less of a boy because he CAN articulate his feelings and properly display his emotions.  I'm not raising a Neanderthal~I'm raising a man.   Let's have more respect for our sons.  Being a brat or a bully is not scientifically linked to a "boy" gene.  We really need to step it up as mom's in this department.  Our boys become what is expected of them, AND what is not.  I could go on, but will save for another entry.  Too many studies and journals to site.  Inflicting pain for sheer pleasure and dismissing the other child's feelings (or worse, berating that pain and expression of it as weak) does not make you a boy.  It makes you something quite vile.  The golden rule knows no gender. 

Where was I going with this?  Just that I'm so thankful and I take my position as these two boys' momma very seriously.  Nothing comes before them.  NOTHING!  I may not be a social butterfly, but I'd rather spend that time with my kids.  No apologies.  I may not know the first thing about anything anyone is talking about on TV, but again, I'm too busy with my children (and their programs come first :)).  It takes me forever to finish a book (and by forever I mean years).  "Real Boys" is my latest venture.  Page 213 out of 398~~read it.  Especially if you have or work with boys or just really, really love one (from 0 to 100 :)).  I love my real boys.  But, in the same vein, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.  I have found my bliss and my happiness--as someone described as "the sweet spot".  I don't feel like I'm giving anything up. 

This is an adventure that will last beyond this life and into eternity~~"to infinity and beyond"~~to borrow from Buzz Light Year.  As we love each other to the moon and farther, I think of the great, great journeys we have before us--and know God will give me the mental fortitude and strength to be present, be open, be loving, and hold them tight but give them the wings they need to fly.  Because he's promised me he will.   And although I'd love it if they could just live with Marty and I forever, I also look forward to watching the men they will become~~modern day knights and heroes to wives and children of their own.  And I hope I will always be "the best cookie maker ever" :). 

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." 

Mark Twain

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
-- T.S. Eliot