At the end of the day...

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

 

Old nonsense.  I gotta lot of it.  Creeps into my day to day, sometimes sabotaging it, often times not letting me get any sleep for weeks at a time, ruining my mood, depleting me of my energy.  I'm tempted to get a garbage can and label it "old nonsense" for nothing more than a visible metaphor for my soul.
 

Punky kids this weekend.  Sick boys with stomach and head aches and scratchy throats.  Daddy was up at before the crack of dawn for the only thing he ever gets up at the crack of dawn for--Hawkeye football--so it was just me and two whiny kids (granted the whining was justified) all day and into the night as they always need to sleep with mommy when they're sick.  Today was my turn.  And Marty was very tired--from previous said day in IC.  Not much of a weekend.

 

And I've just been really sad a lot.  No reason other than stress, I suppose, and just crazy, crazy, crazy times at work.  Trying to remember which bruises came from which kids kicking, punching, and hitting frenzies as I shower--not to mention hoping I get all the spit out of my hair as that seems to be the trend along with the rage. 

 

Preschool is getting to be a violent world anymore with parents who don't really seem to care.  And certainly, there are those that most decidedly do--they want to know how their child's day went and how they behaved--and the ones that worry the most are the ones that have the kids we need to worry about the least.  They don't come in to pick up or drop off talking on their cell phones, they come in talking to their child and exchanging conversation with me.  They are connected.  I just wish they were in the majority. 

 

Each year it seems to get worse.  I'll be at this 12 years in January.  I used to feel like I really made a difference.  Now I just feel used up, exhausted, and disrespected.  If I ever personally got a call from my child's teacher along the lines of "your child just punched me in the eye after throwing chairs around the classroom" (I have this habit of getting down to the child's level, that I can't seem to break, when ever I talk to a child--maybe I should try harder to break that habit), I would be beyond mortified and could not apologize to the teacher enough.  Instead I get responses to these physical aggressions of hitting, kicking, biting, etc. like "he doesn't do that at home" or "did he hit you very hard?" or "we were out of town these past few days and she's just tired" or absolutely no response at all. I am completely blown away by all of this.  What is happening to our kids and our families that we have become so completely excepting of this violence towards teachers and their peers?

 

I attribute some of this to what they see.  Some of my preschool kids have seen movies my ten year old has yet to see--all the super hero and comic book genres as well as Transformers 3.  I really don't think this helps.  This isn't just me being judgemental.  The Children's Academy of Pediatrics backs me on this too.  And they seem to have unlimited access to video games and TV.  Gone, or so it seems to be, are the days of reading to our kids, playing outside, or doing anything in general together that doesn't involve electronics or a big screen.  And gone seems to be the respect from parents who used to see us as builders of the foundation for their children's futures.  Now we seem to be more along the lines of babysitters and indentured servants or people that can't get "real" jobs (that's my favorite).  They can say or do what ever they feel to us and we have to just smile and take it. 

 

I went to Simpson and graduated in the top ten percent of my class, magna cum laude, with honors in English and the Humanities with a feeling that I could do something with all that I had worked so hard to achieve.  I didn't necessarily want to change the world, but I wanted to substantially and positively effect it in some way.  So a cubicle didn't work for me.  I needed hands on connections with people.  I didn't necessarily plan on it being little people, but that was God's plan.

 

Psychology--with that came Behavioral Psych classes and many, many abnormal psych and child/adolescent psych classes.  I was able to work with a family that had an autistic child which I found to be both frustrating and rewarding.  I loved the challenge and the "connection" made in his world and was so inspired and fueled by that experience that I wanted desperately to change other people's ways of seeing these kids.  I often wonder how he's doing and what he's doing with his life right now.

 

I was also fortunate to work in a psychiatric facility (Westminster Houses I and II) the summer of my junior year.  From books to real life, it was a summer I will never forget.  There were things I was responsible for that I probably shouldn't have been and there were very scary things that happened that I wasn't prepared or trained for.  But I was able to see where some of these disorders I had studied lead to, the prisons these people's disorders had become, and my heart broke for them.  That summer, still at times, seems like a dream as those houses were such a disconnect from "the real world".  I also knew that I could not pursue my Psych degree in the manner I was planning.  God puts everything in our lives for a reason.

 

And I think about the kids I was exposed to and had relationships with in both of these settings, along with the adults, and my mind can't help but say "now those human beings had REAL problems and obstacles".  And yet we have all of these "normal" kids acting out and behaving so consistently disrespectfully because they didn't get their full ten hours of sleep the night before or were with Grandma too long over the weekend?  And I get discouraged that I could make more of a difference and connection "there" than "here".

 

And what's funny to me is that I walked into those college experiences with no degree and nothing but "book" knowledge--no hands on training--and I was treated with MORE respect than I am now.  When I bring up issues with a parent concerning their child in our preschool environment, I often times don't even get eye contact or acknowledgement--and certainly not the respect that I MAY possibly have an understanding as to what I am talking about.  I understand we're all busy and in a hurry and have a million things going on in our lives--I get it--I'm a mommy too--but if you don't have TWO SECONDS to listen to issues your child is having on a repeated basis that WILL affect his or her ability to succeed not only in kindergarten, but life in general, maybe you should be assessing to what degree you really want to be a parent.  These are people with the means and education to get the help for their children.  Why is this happening?

 

And my heart goes out to these kids.  They are the bullies now and they will be the bullies in school with the parents who will say "he never has done this before" (after hearing it for a year in preschool) to annually blaming it on their child's teacher.  And these are the kids that will continue to hurt my kids, your kids, my neighbor's kids...  It's frustrating beyond belief.  And if I could just be lazy and not care, my job would be a heck of a lot easier.  But I see my children in these little people and think to myself, if their parents won't help them--who will?  And yes, I cry for them at night and worry about them.  And then I pray and hope the best for them.  And begin my day hoping that I don't end it with more bruises...

 

And no, my own children are NOT perfect.  They drive me crazy, sometimes daily.  And they both have their own issues.  And I often feel like I'm failing miserably as a parent also.  But I will always have the time and energy to care, to listen, to want feedback and encourage advice from their teachers and caregivers that spend more time with them than I am able to.  That much I CAN do--whether I have time for it or not. 

 

And I go through the motions of "maybe I should start looking for another job" that actually pays something (it always makes me grimace when I realize that my STARTING salary for my first real job at Meredith out of college was HIGHER than my CURRENT salary after being at the Child Development Center for almost 12 years--a little discouraging--but NO ONE does this job for the money).  But those few close family and child and co-worker connections keep me hanging on.  For dear life, but hanging on none-the-less...

 

And these past weeks have been so hard.  Thinking of the child and parent interactions I've had and how they have been more negative than positive (but so thankful that the parent who raised her hand to my face and her children are gone--far less fear going into work these days)--and how that shift just seems to have happened in these past few years.  And I wax nostalgic over the golden years when these families were part of my family (there are still a few--and I thank God for them!!!  It's how I am able to stay and I appreciate all of their love and support!!!) and children were taught the basics of respect, honesty and kindness AT HOME--so we weren't starting from complete scratch.  Now we have to teach five year olds that it's not nice to throw blocks at someones head (or the windows) when you're angry--because they really don't understand why that's not okay... 

 

And I have some amazing coworkers that lift me up, and without them I'd have walked out years ago.  And I am truly blessed in that regard.  However, lately, a lot of them seem to be leaving...

 

And I'm left with, how do I make this work for me, my family, and these kids?  Because it seems rather ominous at this point.  And so many employees are discouraged by the bad news we get at work--and it would just be nice to have some positive reinforcement every once in awhile.  Parents don't like being given "bad reports" about their kids, but they don't care to make the effort to help us out in any way.  I'm not someone who can lie and say, "she had a great day" when her day was far from it.  And as a parent myself, I would WANT to know.  Apparently we are a dying breed...

 

And maybe I just need to take a step back, learn to dodge flying objects more adeptly, and just let their parents figure it out.  Except those kids ARE my job--and if we are supposed to be getting them ready for kindergarten, then I can't stop caring when their parents don't seem to be affected in the least.  I wish there was a contract we could sign with parents along the lines of "we promise to help eachother" because this whole education thing--it's a team effort.  I can't make your child behave anymore than I can make your child learn--and without your support and respect, it's all rather pointless...

 

I'm tired, feeling rotten, and should just get to bed.  Can not believe it is Monday tomorrow as this weekend was just draining.  And yes, my depression is coming through and I should be more optimistic as I am blessed to work with children, creative people, and despite all that goes on--I have to love my job somewhat to have stuck with it this long.  I know it's not the raises or free vacations ;).  Everything happens for a reason.  And when God is ready for me to "get out" and be done with this, he will open something else.

 

So, enough old nonsense for tonight and time to get my own two littles bathed, read to, prayed with, and tucked in.  Love to you all, and may you find rest tonight from all the nonsense of your day and the strength to greet the next day with high spirits!

 

Peace and love always...