Days like these...

 

"Behold I stand at the door and knock."  Oh no, Lord.  I'm banging with both fists...

I've gotten to that point this week--this point--the point where I start asking God THOSE questions...

Lord, I know you have placed these situations in my life, this thing, that thing and the other, for  reasons--unknown to me--and I need to be, MUST be, grateful for them.  These things help me grow, make me stronger, push me farther--draw me to you...

These past few months I've quit running altogether.  My knees ache and my joints refuse to even jog.  The joy was completely gone.  Maybe I will be able to actually run again some day (not just limp about), but for now--I'm trying something new.  I've taken up free weights and core workouts--which began with sore muscles I never knew I had--and has progressed slowly--not that it's ever really easier--I am just able to walk and get dressed the next day without wincing ;).  It's exciting to see those muscles build, to feel stronger, and therefore somehow more capable (not that I'm ever taking anyone on in a back ally ;))...

And I'm finding my faith is kind of like that.  God is flexing my faith muscles.  Making them stronger.  Teaching me I can do the sets--repeatedly--and that I will get stronger and live another day :).  I hear Gunnar's voice in my head telling me to "make it dynamic".  God is wanting me to make this life dynamic too, and that doesn't just happen--that involves putting in the time and lots of hard work. 

But then there are weeks, months of this stuff of life that are just so draining.  Last night I was reading through my Bible study after getting the boys down after a rough night and just started crying.  No reason.  Just crying.  Here we go again.  My body is so worn out, this is what it does--sheds water--catharsis, release?  Or maybe just crazy...  And I know at times that it's because I'm missing my companion, husband--just talking to another human being that KNOWS this stuff on a level no one else does--but God is always there.  And he never gets tired of listening...

And so I pray; God thank you for blessing me with so much--the responsibility of these preschoolers and children that are in my care at "my office",  my own little loves that looks to me for everything, this whole wife gig, and for my family and friends that are as close as family.  I most graciously thank you.  And I remember this verse...
 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  James 1:2-4  Through all of this, God is helping me "grow up".  Yes, even this woman who feels like she never really had a chance to be a kid needs some help in the "growing up" department :).

 



God, you must also have faith I can handle this--or you are giving me more to draw me closer to you--to depend on you--because you know I have a really hard time giving it all to you and truly, truly letting go.  That weight is one I am not meant to carry alone--nor can I effectively without hurting myself. 

And I am reminded, "The bruising and crushing and melting process is designed to reshape you, not ruin you."  Reshaping--a little bruising, melting and possible crushing--but I will not be ruined.  If the past has taught me nothing but this, I know that I will not be ruined...

And this mommy thing is tough.  I've always been "odd, different, weird' (insert eclectic adjective of choice) and I know to my core how much that can hurt growing up--heck, even NOW!  And I grow so tired of a world that does not except children who do not fit into some stereotypical mold or category.  It quite literally, breaks my heart.  Tiny pieces--all over the floor...  And so I teach my kids to embrace it--even be proud of it--different is good.  Who wants to be status quo?  Really, look around, status quo is pretty blech right now.  It's not getting this world anywhere better, that's for sure.  John reminds us, "Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you.  We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers.  Anyone who does not love remains in death."  1 John 3:13-14.  Tough stuff, John, but encouraging as well.  Except and love those that are different--even if that different is you.  God does.  That's who he created you to be--and darlings, we don't need to argue with God on that point.  God made Max the Max that he is for a specific reason just as he made Griffyn the Griffyn he is for a specific reason--however different those reasons may be--embrace it, love it, and respect it.  That's who Jesus died for... 

And being different takes a toughness, a strength that those "normal" people just don't get ;).  So, let's praise God for that.  We see things differently because we have been places most people haven't--and honey, we've survived.  With a few cracks and kinks and quirks, my love, but we've SURVIVED.  Can I get an hallelujah and an amen?!?  Those trials, well they give you a voice where you were once silent, empathy and understanding you may not have had, they make you want to help, to heal, and they strengthen your faith and give you a confidence in God (that, 'I know I wouldn't be alive without you' confidence in God) that makes you tough as nails.  No matter how hard that hammer hits, you know with God's strength, you can take it.  What stronger assurance of faith can we have then our dear Lord and Savior seeing us through the darkest of times time and time again!?!  And they make you a fighter.  You fight for what's right, you fight for those you love, and you may be afraid--but you just can't help yourself.  That lion inside just has to roar...

And yet, God has to soften that toughness for me by bringing me back--drawing me to him daily with things I can't do without him.  Issues with my kids, my job, family--and usually all at once ;)...  Because I want to do what is right, not what is easy--I want to do what God would want from me, and not what I desire.  You stick with it, you persevere, and you believe with all of your heart, mind, body and soul that there is PURPOSE in the pain, PURPOSE in the discipline.  My friends, there is most certainly and always purpose.  "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it"  Hebrews 12:11.  I'm growing a bountiful garden and pray upon my soul that God can harvest righteousness from this vessel He created. 

These verses also help when that hammer strikes...  "But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who BELIEVE and are SAVED."  Hebrews 10:39  "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Hebrews 11:1  We KNOW to our core what will be--we've got the ending to our stories--eternal life and salvation forever with those who love the Lord.  That much is very clear.  And how glorious is that?  This other stuff?  It's all about the journey and how we bring glory to God through those tough struggles, trials, and through our day to day life.  It all matters, friends--it all matters... 

God knows my heart.  He knows I am trying to do my best.  And worry is not my master, nor fear, nor approval, nor any societal "expectation" I may place on myself.  And I take comfort in this verse that clearly delineates where my priorities should be, "And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming."  1 John 2:28 (don't you love it when God call us "dear children"? :)).  Confident and unashamed.  At what ever cost it may appear or feel to be to me, I will do my very best for my God and have faith in his plan for my life and for those I love all around me.

So, I'll keep flexing these faith muscles for my kids, the ones and love, and more over--for Him.  And I may always feel like an alien of sorts in this big old world, but that's okay with me.  Cause this big old world, well, it's not my home now is it? 

Much peace, much love, and muscle building to you all.  And prayer?  Well, that's the next best thing to ibuprofen ;).  Keep on fighting the good fight, and don't forget you are never, ever alone...