Keeping it all together...

A rainy Friday.  The boys were up early.  Marty had cross country practice.  Mommy is sick--again.  We managed to accomplish a lot (of littles).  Nothing important, but a lot.  Daddy's Father's Day craft is done (to which Griffy exclaimed when Marty walked in the door from practice, "Daddy, I know what your Balentine pwesent is!" :) Wrong holiday, but sweet, none the less.  That boy can't keep a secret to save his life.  Good thing he's not exactly sure what it's called :) ).  The boys worked on more sun catchers and more perler bead creations and ate breakfast.  I cleaned up the mess and by that time Daddy was home and it was time to call Grandpa Jerry and wish him a very happy 70th birthday.  We love you, Grandpa!

Radiology appointment scheduled for this mommy Tuesday.  Smacked again with a fever, breathing issues and all kinds of nastiness again towards the end of the work day on Wednesday and it's still hanging on like gang busters today.  Nothing like tossing around the "c" word with your doctor early on a Friday afternoon.  I know it's not.  Just making sure that scar tissue on my lungs is indeed scar tissue and nothing else.  I really just want to be allowed to have a break down here.  To cry, throw a fit, take a whole week off and melt into this damn, f****** tired I constantly feel down to my bones, be as bitchy as I want to be and tell the whole world to just leave me alone.  But not this mommy.  I can't.  I'm just not allowed. Deep breaths, smile, one day at a time and one foot in front of the other.  Yes, I whine, I get discouraged, a smidge depressed, a bit irritated.  And please, don't ask me how I'm feeling, unless you really care or have time for more than "fine".  Snarky, yes, I know.  My whole damn body has been hurting for months and my splurges on myself are copays to my specialists every other week and fun new medications to help me breathe that have funky side affects that make other parts of me sick.  And now radiology.  Everything will be okay.  I know this.  Just another 'thing'.  I'm just losing patience and I just can't.  I'm the person who is always expected to have it.

And my Max leaves for basketball camp on Father's Day for an entire week in Iowa City.  I keep hearing from everyone how "good this will be for him."  Great.  So glad you think so.  But I'll miss the heck out of him, and he's my kid.  A week is a long time.  I've never been away from him for that long.  He's excited and a little nervous too.  He'll be at camp all day and then staying with Marty's parents at night.  I told him that he can call us anytime if he feels homesick.  I hope that request is accommodated. I know I'll be calling him :).  If nothing else, this whole experience will be a nice break away for him from Griffyn ;).  Who knows, maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder.  I know Griffyn will miss him terribly .  Max is his very favorite person in the whole world!

And prayers, please, for this precious little guy--Otto.  He's back in the NICU again.  Fighting all kinds of junk.  And we want him home again with his brother and his mommy and his daddy.  So, if you get a minute, give a shout up to heaven for this mighty mouse--for his lungs and the infections his little body is fighting.  He's taking his bottles and being brave.  We love him so much and his incredible family.  We know he'll be home soon!  Love you, Jessie, Ben, and big brother, Ross!  SO MUCH!!!  Praying for you all every single day.

The goal today is to attempt some yoga.  This mommy needs some mat time--however my ears, lungs, throat and nose are full--so we will see how that goes.  But it often helps.  It's just convincing myself to move when it all hurts and the room spins.  Laundry would be good too.  I'm sure it is over taking the laundry baskets by now.  It breeds on it's own.  Praying, praying and praying with the boys for Mr. O and thanking God for all of our blessings is a must today--my head and heart isn't in the greatest of places.  And G's t-ball game--if this rain holds off--getting his uniform ready.  It's one I will miss.  Sitting upright and breathing isn't working.  And I think of Otto who is also fighting para-influenza on top of all of his other yucks and pray some more for him--that's what started all this junk for me.  What a trooper he is!

Where ever you are in your day, may you find blessing there.  I know the sun isn't always shining and we can't always stop when we need to, but I hope and pray you can, at some point today, take the time you need to breathe.  Trying to keep it all together is hard.  I know I'm not doing a very good job of it--and if I could run away (my sad, sad, lonely running shoes), I would--but I'd pass out ;).  And if it's any consolation, I made my kids popcorn for lunch--two different kinds ;)--but popcorn none the less.  Max said it was the best lunch ever, so I really, really must improve my lunch game :).

One day at a time, with what I have, in that moment, giving what I have to give--even if it isn't much--I'll pat myself on the back for still trying.  I have not given up.  I have not come to that place where I can not get out of bed, where I refuse life, where I just can't try.  I'm doing something.  However pathetic that something is.  This is where I am, this is what I have, this is all I have right now.  And screaming?  Yes.  That's reserved for the inside and quietly--because goodness, we wouldn't want to wake the neighbors! ;) 

Love and hugs to you all.  Take encouragement wherever you can find it.  In God, in your children, and hopefully, my loves, in the hands and arms of each other....

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9,10