Today...

"Women as the guardians of children possess a great power.  They are the moulders of their children's personalities and the arbiters of their development." 

Ann Oakley~British sociologist and writer

This quote has always stuck fiercely in my brain.  The deep complexities of motherhood with standing, I have always considered myself to be a fairly decent mom.  In fact, I often feel like it is the only thing I am fairly good out.  God has bestowed upon me these two great miracles--beings in his likeness--and I take this "job" very seriously. I want to give my boys everything--I don't want them to ever reach a point in there adulthood where they felt my love was conditional, or they weren't enough, or they were judged or not accepted for being just them~~and I fight for this for them with all my being and try my very, very best to give them this every day.  That "this" being~no matter what, I love you...  We all need that, we all deserve that, right?  Those of us that were lacking this in our childhood tend to fight even harder for this for our own children...

Which is why the failures of motherhood hit me so hard.  Max has had a tough time with this whole tonsil/adenoid procedure and our nights are just plain crappy.  Yesterday we had a break through and he was able to tolerate regular Tylenol along with the codeine mixture every six hours instead of four.  Yay!!!  So exciting!!! :)  He still wasn't eating solid food (despite all my efforts at making all things relatively mushy--won't even try eggs or soft fruits--nothing acidic, of course), but drinking water and seeming to do better.  I was so ready for a good night's sleep.  Looking forward to it with much anticipation! :)  It's been eight long days and nights of this, folks (and to top it off, I haven't been feeling so great and having my own issues again)~~so I was SO ready to curl up and get some much needed REST!  Yes, I was dreaming of sleep during my days :) :) :)!

And my G has been nothing short of a handful.  It's just been really different at our house lately (and we've been stuck inside more, despite this beautiful weather) and G is an outside, rough and tumble, run till he passes out, LOUD, wild and crazy little boy.  He's not had daycare as it's spring break, and I think he may miss Colleen and his friends--who are way more fun than a brother who can't talk or play and a mom who can't do anything but take care of the big brother who has a new found penchant for sticky notes ;).  Sitting at dinner last night while I was trying to find something, anything for Max to try to eat--G was surrounded by jello, applesauce, pudding, ice cream, and fudge pops.  He sighed heavily and sank into his chair with a gigantic smile on his face, "Momma, I dust YUV my yife!"  So, I know he's not doing too bad--but he sure has been extra ornery.  Or maybe he's not, and I'm just extra tired.

After getting all snuggled in, the whimpering began--the "puppy noises", as I've come to call them (because that is exactly what they sound like).  The fight to take Max's medicine at night is a 20 to 30 minute ordeal (he HATES the codeine, but I thought he could use it at night instead of just regular Tylenol as his pain is more intense at night), the stomach pains and running to the bathroom because he feels like he's going to throw up every fifteen minutes, the grabbing for me (very difficult to sleep comfortably holding this enormous almost ten year old~but he needs his momma~so snuggle I will :)), the snot and junk has started flowing (the nurse told us this would happen--which could account for his stomach pain as well) and his ears hurt really bad too.  Constant pain at night time, and his mood and temperament are not as happy as daytime--not that I blame him.  It just doesn't stop.  At 3 a.m. (six full hours of all of this of later) I started screaming for Marty--I don't like to scream, but I was full on screaming for my husband (who has been sleeping in G's bed these past few weeks and the boys with me).  It was a breakdown of sorts.  I just needed at least 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  My body had had it--reached it's max (ha!)--and I, admittedly, flipped out.  I had been trying so hard to be patient, loving, thoughtful and empathetic--and my selfish body was screaming--what about me?!?  Not my proudest mommy moment of all time.  Marty came in, Griff sat up and said, "hey you duys, tould you pease be twiet?  I tan't seep!" (which in retrospect is quite funny amidst all of that chaos).  So much for my "patience always" motto and zen like mommy skills.  Gone...

I retreated to G's bed and managed NOT to sleep a wink.  Felt like total garbage getting up this morning, got in the shower and got G breakfast so we could take my car in to get fixed (yay!!!  ahhhh, being a grown up sometimes is just so not fun).  But, gotta have wheels.  Still not feeling well or near better, so called my doctor as soon as her office opened.  Not good, and another pill called in to pick up.  THIS one will give me back my super powers :).  I'm sure of it!!! :)
 
Now how this was all to go down in my mind was as follows:  a fabulous night's sleep in which I would wake up early feeling completely healed and renewed, drop the car off and commence my early morning run from there, then catch up with all the house work (I think it's my house--hard to tell underneath all these piles of dishes, laundry, blankets, pillows,  toys, etc.).  Not in the cards.  So, what are ya gonna do?  Count and recount all my amazing blessings and do the best that I can with the direction my day has decided to take--against MY plans for it ;)...

I am doing the best I can, but in those moments of lost patience and screaming I feel like all of my "best" is really sub par--and I can't take it back--and just have to admit defeat sometimes.  I apologized to Max this morning.  I think it is VERY important that our kids understand that WE make mistakes too.  I'm not always right just because I'm mom, and I mess up--big time--as well.  It's not his fault he's still not feeling well or that I'm tired or feeling like crap myself--and he has the nature that will take that all on--so I wanted to make sure he understood that mommy was just tired, and it had nothing to do with him and that I loved him so very much.  He smiled and wrote on his favorite star sticky notes, "I know" then, "I love you too."  So hopefully no major damage done there. 

Deep breaths and one foot in front of the other is how we're going to go on with this day.  Make some more jello, make some more pudding to be ready for the day of trying to force my kid to eat something, continue recording his progress and med intake on our sticky notes (man, they really ARE overtaking our home ;)) on the microwave, and just try to bring some sunshine to this little family of mine.  It is the first day of spring, after all :).  (and hope that their personalities and development will get along just fine--alongside my lapses of crazy ;))