Sometimes, I'm just going to say it~I just want to feel accepted.
Yes, I'm almost 36 years old ;). I've always been a nerd--in that worldly defined sense. Never been good at sports. Ever. Not once. Except for archery in 8th grade. I kicked butt in archery. Not a widely recruited sport ;). I love to read, and I love to write.. I love Jane Austen, old British films, and anything that takes place on the English Moore's or country side. I'd rather cozy up with a good book, a comfy blanket, and a lovely cup of hot tea all by my lonesome in my "free time" then hit a bar any weekend night. And I kind of like to use my brain in the realms of religion, philosophy, and the humanities in general. I'm one of those weird people who thinks it's fun. Unfortunately, after having children, this function has deteriorated to some extent. My brain, or what's left of it, now sticks to the basic mechanics of maneuvering through work, various practices, meetings, appointments, getting dinner on the table, baths done, homework checked, laundry, general house cleaning duties and maintenance~~the regular stuff of life...
I've always felt like I didn't fit in. Never felt comfortable in my skin. Even in adulthood, I feel like that awkward junior high kid (and maybe that's because, sadly, much of the adult world is still run like junior high). I've always strongly sensed and been aware of my "otherness"...
Those of you who know me well, know that I have struggled with depression and anxiety and OCD for most of my life. I hate it, but accept it. Why try to cover it up anymore? Not worth the fight or wasted energy. Every day is a battle, but one I sure as hell think is worth the fight. These two precious boys of mine (three, counting my husband) deserve the very best of me. God, constant prayer, therapy, and a few prescriptions help me get out of that dark whole that often evades my thoughts and fight the beast I believe depression is. And it frustrates me that there is still such a stigma with mental illness--as if it's a choice or something you can just "snap out" of. Despite Tom Cruise and some extreme right wing religious sects "findings", I believe that if there is something out there that can help you be a better you--why not use it? Are we not worth that much~our futures our happiness? Are our families not worth that much? I have enough to fight "on my own". And no pill is a magical cure. Over half a life time of abuse doesn't evaporate into thin air. Amazing how 'permanent' memories, words, trauma, and unhealthy life patterns can be. Scars no one else can see. It all still really sucks, pardon my language--even on medications, but I don't have to have panic attacks that incapacitate me, I can occasionally rest my mind and body without nightmares, and I can breathe and work on finding my body's freedom from the prison my mind can become. Not all of us have the luxury of "finding ourselves" on trips to to far away places of zen and solitude (why I dislike "eat, pray, love" so very much--most of us have that battle to fight right here and right now--but a really great Eddie Vedder song came out of the movie :)). We have to show up to our jobs, take care of our children, run a household--we can't just run away to find ourselves and heal. We have to live. No pill makes things "easy". They just make it a better possibility that you will get out of bed in the morning and take on that day of yours. The rest is all up to you (with a giant, heaping helping of God's mercy and a side of grace :)).
"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10
And then I ask myself, how can I, dysfunctional, messed up me, please the Almighty? Seems rather daunting. Dare I say, impossible. But we know that nothing is impossible with God. And not only that, God's power is displayed in our weakness!!! Praise the Lord, as He knows I have enough of that :). This verse from the Bible is the verse that gave me, what I call, my voice. It made it okay to talk about where I'd been, what I'd been through, survived, and with God's grace--continually over come. I wasn't ashamed anymore.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'" 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Completely awesome and amazing. His grace is sufficient for me, and I am "sufficient" just as I am. Just me, all of me, the way I was created. So humbling, so beautiful, so life changing...
And we all are created so divinely different. And yet I find this world so judgemental and harsh--especially for women--especially by women. I understand that this may be some of my perception as my inadequacies seem to scream out for other people to discuss (in my mind, anyway, it stinks being shy as it can be interpreted as so many other things), but at the same time, I know and understand that other women feel it too. And I want to scream, "Can't we just BE NICE??!!??!!??"--because it really doesn't seem that hard to me--to accept, to love, to appreciate these differences. Who cares what brand of clothes you're wearing, how much or little money you have, how much you weigh, what your profession is, who you know, who you don't know, what "club" you're in--it is who WE ARE--in front of and behind closed doors. Being "grown up" sometimes doesn't feel so very grown up. And maybe that's why I love working with and teaching kids so much--despite the dwindling of respect that seems to increase with each and every new group of preschoolers we get--they have hearts of acceptance and they truly and deeply love you for that person you are.
Each year gets a little better in this skin. I breathe easier. I care less about the things I shouldn't and more about the things I should. I am blown away by my blessings. I am comfortable in who God made me to be--even if it will never be a gregarious, out going, put together person ;). I am okay with that. Who am I to argue with His craftsmanship? And I have come to understand that everything we experience in this life, especially the really bad and crappy stuff, has a purpose--has a reason. I have learned to let go of most of the anger and outrage and fists in the air of "why"?!?
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
There are always circumstances that send me back and bring all of those feelings and fears to leap upon and squeeze at my heart, but I am no longer suffocated by them. I know God spared me for a reason. I know that I am put on this earth to be His servant and, if nothing more or less, to shine His light. I will never fit in, and I am also truly and absolutely okay with that. This world is not my home. I'm just passing through, doing the work the Lord has already planned and ordained for me to do. My "otherness" is felt because my soul knows this--and this journey does not stop here. Paul writes in Galatians 5:13, "You, my brothers, were called to be free." FREE. Yes, even me :).
And I want my boys to feel this, to live this, to see this. No matter what names people call you, how they decide to judge you--the only eyes that matter are God's. And those eyes see us as creatures worth dying for, worth saving, worth loving with the greatest unconditional love imaginable. If they learn or take anything away from this momma, it is my greatest hope that they know and feel this down to their very bones.
"For he himself is our peace." Ephesians 2:14
I know the past can never be undone, but I also have come to believe (and not just say), that it should not rob me of my future. "But one thing I do~forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:7-9
For anyone struggling with invisible wounds, my heart and prayers go out to you. It is not easy. But nothing worth anything ever is. And our lives are worth it. I am often encouraged by this verse, which has always been a favorite of mine--I think of my friend, Janelle, as she read this verse at Marty and I's wedding--and I think to a fuller extent, I have come to realize it:
"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19.
And that, my dear friends, is enough...
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