I love the Jesus in YOU!

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith."  Hebrews 12:2

Another busy weekend winding down.  It's 1 o'clock in the afternoon, and this momma could go to bed for the night.  Really.  I could.  Griffyn decided that 6 a.m. would be the perfect hour to get up this morning after running around like "twaazy buttets" (aka 'crazy buckets'--as he calls it) this weekend without a moments rest (the busier we are, the less sleep he seems to require), so he and I decided to make some homemade coffee cake--and a pot of coffee :).  He slept with me last night--and as his feet always seem to find my back, face, or side (Ninjago style)--not much sleeping was done on my part.  The wind kept waking him--and after the five thousandth time of him waking me--it was just easier to have him join me.  I will miss this one day--I know I will :).
It was another basketball weekend.  Lots of fun, and Marty and Max were also able to enjoy a very emotional and bonding father and son experience at Carver as well for the Chris Street Memorial game.  I decided it would be too much to expect Griffyn to sit through after sitting through brother's basketball games and would make it not as enjoyable for Daddy and Max.  We had some Mommy and Griffyn time while Daddy and Max cheered on the Hawkeyes.
Lots of tears this weekend as Marty and I remember the day Chris Street died as if it were yesterday.  Some days in your life are imprinted on your memory so crystal clear--like a perfect photograph--and that day is one of them for both of us.  The footage from the news brought back the feelings, the disbelief, the heartache so powerfully--and now being a mommy of two boys--it meant something on an entirely different level than it did to me all those years ago. 
And it was such a teachable moment for our boys--Griffyn being a little too young to fully understand (but able to glean some things), and Max being at the perfect age to grasp most of it.  Life is fleeting, such a gift--and now is not forever.  And for Max to see what an impression Chris made on those around him in his short life and how each day we all can choose, choose to do the right thing, the kind thing, the best thing in our lives--to make this world a better place--because we all will eventually leave it--and none of us know when. 
And I found myself crying again for his momma who never got to see her son "grow up", his sisters who will always be missing their brother, a father a son, and all those people who have that big whole in their hearts because they are missing their Chris.  And for those of us who experienced it all then?  He was one of us--but like a billion times cooler--way cooler.  And on top of that, he was such a great person--which made him even more special--because those two things are rare.  Very rare.  And I would venture to say that today that combination is even more of an ambiguity. 
So in all of this family's business, we were able to sit down for a minute, take a breath, say a prayer and reconnect and reaffirm that it's not just what we do, it's why we do it--it's for Him--it's for the Lord, in all we do, it's for the Lord--to show His LOVE, to show His grace, to show His face to this world that needs his mercy so badly, His peace, His light--because there is so much darkness out there.  It's an 'all about me' world that doesn't have time for loving its neighbors anymore...
How can we do this in just the little things? Like basketball, Max wanted to know.  Can I show God's love and character even when I play basketball?  By good sportsmanship.  Seems to be waning out there lately.  In this ultra competitive world, it sure seems to be waning.  When a player falls, you reach out your hand and help him up, smile, ask if he's okay, and help him up.  When a play doesn't go your way, you don't throw a fit, throw a jab (you'd be surprised) or an attitude, you roll with it and move on, you always, always, be the better person.  And yes, it's okay to get mad inside.  It's okay to be disappointed.  It's going to happen in life.  But we remember why we're here--and it has nothing to do with us.  It has everything to do with Him.  Just like playing on a team.  No one gets anywhere when they're just out for themselves.  It takes the whole team--moving and playing together to get the job done--so it is in life.  It takes all of us, doing our part, small to big--to put the ball in motion--to shine the light of Jesus--for as long as we have breath...
And I held my boys a little tighter, and thanked God for them a little more, and Lord am I blessed!!!!! For this world is not our home, and it is a hard journey (if you take more than two seconds to look outside yourself, that's all it takes to see how hard it is), but is sure is full of awesome stuff too, and all I have to do is show up every day and be the vessel... 
I thank God for these two boys with the biggest hearts that want to do God's will and share his love and have the eyes to look and see where it is needed all on their own--I know how rare that is, and I will do my very best to foster that spirit of empathy.  "Mom, I want to make a card for so and so cause he's been sick, Mom I want to make cookies for so and so cause they just got out of the hospital"--really, cause I just want to go to bed :).  No, I'm not that bad...  Okay, sometimes I am... ;)  I couldn't be more proud of both of them.  They will continue to face big obstacles because of their big hearts, but they will also know that with the love of God and the love and support of this family, they can do anything--faith can move mountains! :)
Time to put everything back in its place and tackle some laundry.  Here comes another Monday.  It really seems our weekends are just as full as our weeks, and I am so thankful for purpose behind our busy.  He is in all things and holds all things together.  No matter how many times we feel we will unravel.  He is there--giving us the strength we need! :)

And G seems to need some lunch.  Max is at a birthday party, so he's taken care of (thank you, Gloria and Pat :)) and Marty is playing basketball, so he can fend for himself :). 

Yet, I could still go to bed ;).  How's a bowl of cereal, G?  I kid, I kid...

Wishing you early bedtimes (very wishful thinking, yes, but wishing you all the same...).  Much love and may we continue to shine "this little light of mine" because I love the Jesus in you!!! :)

"All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong, take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong..."

An authentic heart...

The sun is shining and it's a beautiful, albeit cold, day.  I sit down to write as the house is quiet and still, and the minute my coffee is poured, I'm comfy and ready to go, the boys become a frenzy of noise and activity.  Isn't that the way it always goes?  Marty is out of bed, at least, to man the new game upstairs the boys have made up together.  He had a late night watching the game with a few friends while the boys and I cuddled up at home and watched "Lady and the Framp", as Griffyn calls it. Something always so heartwarming about that movie.

Healing up slow, but healing up.  For people who don't have asthma, I know it's hard to understand--but any type of illness that is respiratory just nails your lungs--and the paradox of being on prednisone is that is makes you susceptible to picking up everything else.  But I am so happy to be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and in all of this, God is really forcing me to "be still".  Really.  My body is not giving me a choice--and my doctor is threatening me with this word called "hospital" and some other rather unconventional treatments.  So I am letting go a bit, doing what I can, and just enjoying my boys, and actually letting people take care of me.  Oddly, that has been really, really, really hard for me to do!  The boys have been enjoying it.  My friend Nicole makes the best soup and we get another batch tomorrow (spoiled much?), and Grandma brought dinner and lots and lots of cookies over (gone), and Daddy has been running out for yummy pizza, and snuggle time with mommy is at it's all time highest (just no kisses on the lips--which is a bummer), so they are fairing well.  Just had to miss Max's basketball tournament this weekend, which I hated. 

Being ill for this long has also given me some time to sit and think.  I don't get to do that enough.  Why is it so hard for me to accept help, to accept joy, to accept all this love?  It's like I have this shell around my heart that just needs to be cracked open--I literally picture taking a hammer to it and shattering it.  Why, why, why???  At times I know that I feel unworthy, yes, or that needing help is a weakness of some sort.  That I should be able to do this all by myself.  And I know that's a "toughness" I've built to cope--and it's a darn hard wall to knock down.  But there has to be more...  This is old news, sitting on a couch for years, therapy news, and I'm tired of it, tired of all the stress in my life, the pain, the struggle... and I need some release, I need it to get better, I can not--quite simply--do this anymore...  At the advice of my doctor, it's time to clean house--just like we do our closets, our basements, as we de-clutter anything in our lives--it's time to clean out the clutter and "toxins" that take up space and squeeze out our joy.  I feel like my soul is suffocating along with these lungs.

So I asked myself one question.  What is of greatest value and importance to me in my life?  What matters the most?  Easy and simple stuff.  God, my family, and my friends.  And what about those relationships is so vital and important to me?  One word.  AUTHENTICITY.  They are true, honest, and real.  And those relationships in my life that cause such pain, that put me on the defensive, that deplete my energy and stab at my soul?  They are completely lacking of this.  Those people manipulate, lie, have their own agenda, and have no respect for me.  They do not give me their true selves, nor do they respect or accept my true self.  I have no time for relationships like this anymore.  Life is too short.  If you can not have the respect to give me who you are or give me the respect to love me for who I am, we will not have a relationship.  Because it simply is not possible.  And it really is so simply to be who we are--it really is--so simple a choice to make.  The time it takes to manifest lies, to destroy and create drama, scenarios to manipulate and get your way, the phone calls, the gossip, the strings to pull to advocate a selfish agenda--time better spent in selfless love, getting to know and appreciate the people around you. I'm over it.  I can be civil, I can be kind and considerate to you, but I can not be your friend.  But in reality, that really was not the relationship that existed to begin with.  Be mad, pout, and stir up the waves--I'm not afraid of the confrontation either.  After this many years, wow, I can truly say I do not care if you are mad at me.  Those are your feelings and your choices to make.  And these, these are mine.

As the boys get louder and louder, I struggle to find the clarity of words I would like to convey to you, friends (I write my best blogs in my sleep :)), but ran across this gem I had to share from Linda Dillow, "We must live as women who KNOW the meaning and purpose of life.  As Goethe, the German philosopher put it, 'Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.'  If we haven't chosen what we are living for, we're living life by default, acting out the scripts handed to us by family, other people's agendas, and the pressure of circumstance.  This is not living as a woman who knows the meaning and purpose of life.  But it's never too late to change."

I could blame my past, I could blame going from one crazy past into another crazy situation and never having the chance to sort out who I was and being tossed about between two seas of crap--or I can move on, learn, and take a giant leap forward and say ENOUGH already.  There comes a point when you have to stop being so afraid of rocking the boat that no one else seems to be willing to stand up and say "hey, there's giant holes in this thing everywhere and we're all sinking" and jump out and dare to live your best life--for you, for your kids, for your family--and KNOW that God's got your back.  You don't need anything more than that.  Really.  Not even your mate.  You can't sit around and wait for the "perfect conditions" in your mind.  God works through the most imperfect conditions!  Amen!

I've always had God with me, yes, but I haven't always felt empowered by choice.  Now I am.  I know that God's got my back.  He's going to be fighting this battle for me and all I need to do it be still.  Stand my ground, and be still.  No, this is my family, no, you don't know what is best for my children, and yes, you can cry and make up what ever it is you want to about me (God knows me and that's all that matters--my credibility is with him--I really don't care what anyone--let me clarify--ANYONE--thinks of me--so lie, lie, twist, twist away)--hey, it's nothing new and has been going on for years--that's the funny part--nothing will change--it'll still be the same crap--it'll just be better choices for me and for my family.  And I couldn't be more excited!!!  It won't be easy, I know.  There will be riffs--but there always have been, but the freedom will be sweet.  Others will make their choices too, and those are their own, and I am not afraid of those either.  We all have the ability to make choices--I'm just learning that--as I've just been bouncing off and healing from everyone else's.  It is my time to stand, to move forward in strength and love with this family--to make us an even bigger powerhouse of faith and Godliness than we already are!  Because the good Lord above is who guides this home, no one else.  I am so ready!

And I won't be bullied anymore.  By anyone.  Because that is exactly what it is.  And I have found the people that come at you with the biggest smiles, the biggest productions/introductions "how are yous" (and know the very least about you, but pretend they know it all in social situations), and widest of eyes often have the ugliest of hearts--and Jesus says over and over in the Bible that you shall know them by their love.  Love is authentic--and I can't wait to begin and begin again each and every day to give and be the authentic person that God made me to be--and the simplicity and joy that that will forever bring--and to finally break this shell over a heart that has been covered by the cage of a lack of choice for far too long. 

I thank God that he never ever gives up on us, and that no matter what our age, life can truly begin again.  And I am so excited for the leaps and bounds this family can take together in the freedom of his love, grace, and mercy--and for those amazing souls that he has put in our lives that have been there for us in prayer and strength and authentic love all this time.  We praise God for all of you too!!! 

The rules of this new game have changed upstairs and Griffyn and Max seem to have come to an impass.  This really seemed much more eloquent in the quiet phases of sunshine streaming through the window with coffee this morning, but I'm hoping my ramblings give you some sense of encouragement to shed the shackles of who others expect us to be.  Breaking free and soaking in the sun this morning to be whom ever this being God created Angie to be is--and ready to embrace that--even accepting all the mess that is.  Broken vessels. God uses them :). "For with God, nothing shall be impossible."  Luke 1:37

Love to you all.  Authentic, rich and simple love!

The Stoic and his Charlie, Chaplin that is...

Taking a break from the bed to sit at the computer--baby steps for this sick momma.  A change of scenery--flexing my muscles--yes, this takes energy for me.  Inhaler (check) hot tea (check) stocking cap (check) blankets (check) vapor rub (check) clear mind (not so much)...

But I need something to "do" be it just sweat, ramble and muse to myself...

Yucky week and weekend.  Many lessons learned.  One being, do not leave a fever unattended for a week (rather stupid).  Two being, I could very well die in the middle of the night without my husband ever noticing.  One more unsettling than the other.  And three, my kids are extraordinary (well, I already knew that one--but reaffirmation is always encouraging).

Friday, 3 a.m., my body woke itself with violent shaking and ironically, with all that shaking, I could not move.  I was soaked in sweat and knew I needed to do something (had that much going for me), but couldn't move.  I could, after a bit, roll into Marty, but could not get him to wake up.  After attempting this several times he did manage to get irritated and tell me to be quiet because he had to go to work tomorrow (all of which he doesn't remember)--just my luck, teacher in service and first day back after Christmas break--so me and the boys home alone with their momma sicker than sick--awesome.
 
Managed to roll out of bed, literally (thud), and drag myself to the living room--I just wanted to get warm--so, so cold.  Got the fireplace turned on, piled on blankets and slept on the bricks.  Woke up to bruises all over my body.  Must have thrashed around a bit more than I remember.  Explained to my husband that I would be going to the doctor and the boys and I wouldn't be having the fun mommy day we had planned.  He called as we were leaving for the doc (so thankful to get in right away that morning--LOVE our Andrea!!!) to see if he could drop off one of Griffyn's friends to play for the day.  Clearly not getting it.  It's a good thing technology has not progressed so far so that we can slap someone through a phone, because that would have left a mark.
 
It was enough to get myself into the shower--which was necessary after sweating through pj's twice--and my amazing Max stepped into that big brother role so effortlessly, as he always does--getting his little brother his breakfast "no, you can't have candy, Griffyn, do you want milk on your cereal or just plain, what shirt do you want to wear?".  What would I do without that kid?  We pile in the car and we're off to our fun visit that ended up being much more eventful than I ever anticipated.  Thank God there is a sucker basket upon departure.  The boys earned them!

Packed office.  Apparently there's a bunch of crap going around or something.  The boys all plod on back there with me.  Mommy's sick.  Jeez, mommy's really sick.  You need an inhaler.  Let's get you something now.  You need a shot.  It's going to be in your bottom.  My kid's eyes got pretty wide at this point.  Then antibiotic, which should kick in in about three days.  And you need to stay in bed.  For real.  I'll call your husband if you need me to.  What time does he get home?  Like I said, LOVE our Andrea!
 
Nurse comes in with the needle (and it's really not IN your "bun bun", as my youngest says, more towards the top) and that sucker burns and just knocks me out.  For realz, people.  Lie down, 30 minutes--not a problem.  Eyes close, and I just feel so bad for my boys--who's therapy bills are mounting by the second at this point.  In and out of this burning weirdness, I hear their sweet voices and see Griffyn snuggling up to Max, "See dot a sot in her bun bun?"  "Yes, Griffyn, she'll be okay."  I hear Griffyn get up to come around and look at it, so I ask him if he wants to see thinking it will dispel any horrid image he may have in his head.  "Do you have a band aid, Momma?".  I tell him, yes (at least I think I do) and fall back in semi-sleep.  I feel him get up on his tippy toes and kiss it.  "You dot a dood one, Momma.  It's Deorge.  It not a baby one yike Elmo".  Oh good.  Curious George on my butt is huge a relief.  I was afraid it was something embarrassing like Elmo.  He goes back to cuddle with Max.  Even in delerium, the kid cracks me up.

"What if see has to doe poop?  Yike a BIG one!" If I didn't feel like puking, I would have laughed. "Griffyn, that's gross!" is all Max says without further attention to that matter.  Fair question, G, fair question.  "See yooks tinda dead."  "Griffyn don't say that!  She just got a shot in her bottom and it hurts really bad!  Like a thousand times bad, so she's just sleeping and will have to rest today, okay?"  Max, at this point sounds like he's trying to convince himself just as much as G and I just want to get up and give them both a BIG hug and all I can mumble is "I'm sorry" which goes completely unheard.  Maybe I just thought I said it.

"Wewwl, who wiwll do all da mommy fings?  Yike weed me my Desus stowies and sing me my songs and make me my snacks and..." and then he got really sad and was starting to cry so Max says, "I know how to do all that stuff, Griffyn".  "Dat's wight."  Griffyn says, "You tan weed."  Then it's quiet for a little bit.  "An wiwll you wattch my favowit moovies wif me too and tuddle me?"  G asks.  "Yes, Griffyn, I will".  "Even da ones dat div you nightmares?" (G's a big Tim Burton cartoon fan--Max, not so much), "Yes, Griff, even the ones that freak me out"...

And little hot tears start going down my face and my heart is about ready to explode--not from fever or over dose of ibuprofen or Excedrin migraine this week--but out of immense love for these two.  Because out of all the mistakes I have made and continue to make in this life, dammit, if I can teach them one thing, it's that we take care of each other.  Let me say that again.  We Take Care Of Each Other. 

My biggest fear is that they don't see that enough in this family.  I have taken care of myself for the greater part of my life--I didn't change my own diapers--but the rest I can take credit for--the good, the bad, and the ugly--I had to learn it all on my own.  As a momma, I don't want my kids to feel any part of what I felt growing up.  It is also not something that comes naturally to my husband at all and something I haven't asked of him because I was used to doing it on my own--and didn't think I deserved any better.  I did, however, after having two children at some point think it would come (I was just tired, quite frankly) and wanted it to come but was too proud to ask.  My light bulb moment came when a friend of mine who had been battling cancer for 18 months messaged me offering to help me when I was sick and she knew Marty was going out of town again.  She had just had stitches taken out after having surgery and couldn't even put her arms up over her head.  I had a horrible case of the flu and strep and Marty was going out of town for the weekend for a football game.  She offered to come get the boys for a few hours so I get get a little rest.  Epiphany and pride gone--and for the first time in 15 years of our relationship, I didn't give a crap if he felt it in his heart or not--I told him to call his mother and let her know he wasn't going to be going to the football game--he'd be staying home to take care of his sick wife--his family.  This same amazing woman and friend just offered to send pizza or what ever we wanted over for dinner this weekend.  It is so nice to feel cared for, isn't it?  It meant the world to me.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Nicole, for always being you and for teaching me to be a better me!  That old me is definitely gone.  I do deserve more, and not necessarily more--but just the basics of humanity--and so do my kids.  They deserve to see a family be a family--and Marty did a fabulous job today.  Thank you, honey.  I appreciated it so much.  And that's not just the fever talking!
 
Back in the doctor's office, I opened my eyes to make sure that Griffyn knew his mommy was really livin'.  He got up and gave me lots of kisses and kept asking me every second if my "bun bun" was okay (he still is actually--and truthfully, that sucker makes your butt sore--just so you know).  My boys are thoughtful, loving, sweet boys, and they know how to take care of each other and this momma and their friends and the rest of the world, for that matter.  The rest of the day, Max brought me water and checked on me, kept G quiet (he just wanted to snuggle with me so badly and couldn't help but come in and beg for cuddles), and made lunch (they had microwave popcorn and bananas--not bad, I'd say).  And I have never been a prouder momma.  This is what being a family is all about. 

And this year is going to be a new year (hopefully a healthier one too, but taking it all in stride as it seems that lots of sick junk is just hitting everyone--I check facebook and suddenly don't feel so alone in my cootie capers!).  We all have choices.  For some reason, I have never let myself fully grasp that or feel that I have that privilege.  My doctor had to even tell me that.  We have choice.  Not just the people who treat us like crap ;)--we all have choices--and this year, there will be better choices--I am not trapped. 

I may not have the choice as to whether I physically feel like crap right now, but I do have the choice as to whether or not I emotionally feel like crap.  God doesn't want that for any of us.  And yes, we can treat people with grace and love and mercy and forgive, but we do not need to let them trample all over our pearls repeatedly...  And I am hoping, in some respect, that this creates better health for myself as well.  Thanks again to Nicole for the pizza offer and for always offering to help out--as I don't have that often--from the over ten crowd.  It was medicine for my heart today.  You, who have known pain and sickness to a far greater extent than anyone.  Bless you! 

Rambling, rambling as Griffyn watches his Barbie Princess and the Pop Star (his new favorite movie--the tunes are pretty catchy) and Marty dishes up Fizz ice cream for the boys.  Hoping to sleep.  And ready to wake up and feel better tomorrow!  Peace, love, and bun buns! (just had to say it one more time!)  It is rather fun.  Come on, give it a whirl.  You won't be able to stop either :)!

Peace...

As the old year comes to a close, I don't feel particularly inspired, just tired.  Flat out exhausted from head to toe tired.  This past few weeks of holiday festivities has been draining--emotionally and physically, and I'm just spent.  Another family Christmas ended yesterday with a puking four year old on the way home from Iowa City in the van after 1 a.m. in the morning (the only respectable time children start to throw up, I've found) that left my husband and I up till four and five a.m. cleaning out the van, the car seat, and doing loads of stubborn laundry after getting our candy and cookie laden little guy cleaned up and put to bed (poor kid!  our boys' tummies are just not used to that much junk!!!).  Let's just say the three hours of respite we got after the two prior weeks of holiday joy we'd experienced was just not enough, and our Sunday plans were pretty much cancelled.  Deflated balloons in need of air--or much needed vacations...
The holidays were a bit "off" this year.  One of my sisters and brother in law were not able to make it home for Christmas this year.  Just really didn't feel like Christmas without them, and I was missing them something awful.  But I am very thankful, despite the sting of heart ache, for the bit of "ouch" and "yuck" this year.  In the "offness" I was able and am so very thankful for what I was able to glean--the positive take away, if you will.  I, as always, am so thankful for my boys--my two beautifully imperfect, wildy crazy, polar opposite, insanely amazing boys.  But is also drew me closer to my husband--who has been driving me more crazy than close lately ;).  We will always have our issues, as everyone does, but it gave me a level of appreciation for him that I was lacking.  What ever the storm that is raging outside, peace resides within this family and THAT is what is important.  I thank God for that lesson--again, thank you, Lord.  And we know that Christmas is about that miracle baby in the manger that grew up to be God of all, King of Kings and Lord of Lords and I clung to that this year more than I ever have before.  It also gave me pause to search and cling to something else, something I value so immensely and hold so dear... His amazing grace, mercy, and much needed, ever so necessary peace...

And this was my verse today.  "Submit to God and be at peace with him." Job 22:21 "Peace is very popular during the holidays, but as Christians, we can enjoy peace throughout the year.  If we let God in and give Him total control of our lives, we are guaranteed peace.  Jesus wasn't just called the 'Prince of Peace,' He IS the Prince of Peace.  Turn to Him today.  Give peace priority in your life."  Amen, amen, and amen...

 

So I have but one New Year's resolution this year, friends.  Peace.  No matter what chaos is going on out there (and this year has been full of it and we've all seen so much of it and perhaps experienced enough of our own), in this home, in this heart, there will be peace.  Because God has promised us He CAN.  He can and He will.  Thank God almighty He WILL!!! 

 

I will let things slide, yes, but this year I will also demand the respect that my kids, myself and my family deserves and will not be a part of the mess.  It is a choice, thank God, it really is a choice.  All of these years I have been telling myself it is not--but it is okay to safe guard my soul, to teach my boys that is really is okay to NOT let people treat you this way, that your well being comes first, and that mommy will always put that first, fight for that, stand up for that, and people that don't--well, they really don't have a place, or the privilege of being an integral part of your life--and that, that is very much THEIR choice, isn't it?

 

What I find is hitting me so hard these past couple of days is the lessons that I teach and have taught my preschool children these past twelve years, the lessons I so carefully and thoughtfully teach my own children, are so often blatantly disregarded by adults.  Grown ups are really the more selfish set. Our choices do have consequences.  My four and five year olds understand this.  My boys understand this.  And yet most adults seem to think they can say and do what ever they want to people and it's just supposed to be overlooked as "oh, that's just the way she is and always has been."  Doesn't work for this mommy anymore. Some of them even think it's "cute" or "cool" or "funny".  Wow,  adulthood has never looked so ugly. Or what about the golden rule?  Pretty simple to remember.  Treat others the way you would like to be treated.  Kindness matters.  It ALWAYS matters. 

 

And in all of this, I am (here comes yet another positive take away) blown away with thankfulness and love for our friends--we are blessed with such a tight knit group of friends who are family to me--and what the word "family" means to me if I could chose it for myself.  I have come to appreciate and love them even more (if that's possible) and know that they give me a true place to call home and it is with these people I can "let my hair down", be my complete self, and find that acceptance--that 'all of me' acceptance I can't find anywhere else.  Thank you God for putting these people in my life, choosing these people for me, for our family, and giving this heart a place to call home.  This soul is a wandering nomad at times, and these people keep me grounded, near and far, they keep me grounded and keep me reminded that I am loved and good enough--that I don't need to prove myself to anyone--just breathe, Ang, you are good enough, just as you are...

 

He will give us peace and I will love these boys so much and we will pray so much and give so much to each other that they will never doubt, well I guess we are all human and at times we will doubt--but then we will come right back to His loving arms--His peace.  If they have Him, they have it all.  They won't doubt themselves, they won't be pushed around--they will have the confidence they need to trust their feelings, their thoughts, their hearts--and they will need that.  Yes, dear Lord, I know how much they will need that.

 

And I wish the same for you all--peace.  Void of circumstance, may we hold onto it.  Settle in it.  Let the world rush around us as we rest in it.  And yes, we may even hurt in it, but we will know that God's got that covered too and it will pass--maybe not right away--but it will pass.

 

And as one of the role play exercises I practice with Max goes for anxiety, "What is the worst thing that could happen?" we will answer with "peace" because God has the worst covered.  He's already there, in the thick of the worst and in the best of the best, he is already there, showering us with peace--because peace is not something that depends on the kind of day, week, month or year we are having--it depends on what is going on in our minds, our hearts and our souls--and this momma?  Well, she's giving that all to God--and giving her family up to Him as well.  It's going to be a great New Year--despite what ever may come our way--because we are guaranteed God's peace.  Peace does not mean it will be easy, but it guarantees that God will give us His assurance, His calm in the storm, and faith will take care of the rest...

 

Many blessings and Happy New Year to you all.

 

Much love...

 



And a Very Merry Christmas to One And All...

December 2012

Max's fourth grade music concert...

So here we are as yet another year is ending.  Blessings and love to you all, as I’m sure it has been a whirlwind for you too!  I am sitting here with my tea in my pajamas and slippers, and channeling peace as the whir of machinery goes on in our backyard—the beeping, the digging, the yelling of the construction workers, the rattling of pipes and tubing—and I find it to be such a metaphor for this year for our family and for so many of those we love.  Peace and joy in the midst of circumstances.  And we have such a mighty God for that, don’t we?   “For he himself is our peace…” Ephesians 2:14 “He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:17  How great a savior!

Our boys have had fun watching all the construction in our backyard these past few months...

Max ended up having to get his tonsils taken out in March.  After getting strep a few too many times, it was inevitable.  He had a few minor complications that made recovery time take a bit longer, and he was such a trooper!  He felt the love from family and friends (thanks, all!) and we were so very proud of him!  Spring and summer was baseball, baseball, and did I mention baseball?  He loved it and is already looking forward to it next year.  Basketball has started, and Max is very excited that Dad is his coach this year.  Max has also had to adjust to being in a new building as a fourth grader out in Hartford and away from his Dad for the first time (and riding a bus).  He turned double digits on us—10!—and decided that instead of getting presents, he wanted his friends to donate money to our dear friend, Nicole, who has been courageously fighting cancer over the past year.  He tearfully told Marty and I, “I have enough stuff.  I just want Nicole to get better.”  On his birthday, we went over to Nic’s house and were able to hang out and enjoy the day with the McComas crew (we love you guys)—lots of fun, hugs, and love to go around (a bit of Wii dance and about three boxes of cheeze-itz as well).  Nicole has taught my boys so much and continues to be the most shining example of faith and what it means to give and to BE Christ’s love.  Max also enjoyed walking (while Dad ran and got first place in his age division—go, Marty!) with his Mom, brother, Jaden, Emery and Nikkol (thanks, Johnson friends—we love you too! ) in the Katie’s Crusaders race in the “fweazing told!” for six families battling cancer right here in Iowa—our friends, the McComas’s, being one of them.  All of the money raised went directly to these six families.  There are so many people hurting and struggling and so much we can do to help!  Max has such a BIG heart, and although that can be hard for him sometimes, we are so very proud of him!  Gotta love this kid!  He is one of a kind!

Katie's Crusaders and our crusader, Nicole!

And then there’s our stand-up comedian, Griffyn, who turned 4 this year (my baby—4!).  There is not a day that goes by that this kid does not make us laugh!   He loves his baby sis’s kissable cheeks (our friend Niki’s  baby, Grace), horses, “toy duns not weal duns”, Tinkerbelle, destroying and rebuilding things, Star Wars, arts and crafts, play dough, Legos (along with big brother—we cannot get enough of Lego’s at this house), his preschool and Mrs. Sievers, “Tolleen” (we love ya, Colleen ), all his “fends”, ninja’s, and pretty much everything—for 15 seconds.  He has the best intentions—just not the greatest choices for executing them.  He HATES sleeping.  He cannot sit still—and he will tell you that!  He loves to sing—and his favorite songs are “Call Me Maybe” and “da Desus song” (Jesus Loves Me) and he will always ask for “dust one mowa” song at bedtime.  He also loves to read more than anything (his favorite book is “Where the Wild Things Are”—very fitting).  He is the most fun loving kid who loves to wrestle and cuddle in the same heartbeat, and I take a hand full of vitamins in the morning and night just to keep up with him.  He always tells me he loves me “one thousand four hundred and sixty nine”.  Not quite sure what that means, but it sounds like a lot! His smile lights up any room and his hugs can melt away the worst of days.  We are proud of his giant heart as well!  He is also one of a kind!  We could not have two children on more opposite ends of the spectrum—thus we have perfect balance in our home!

Marty is in his 15^th year at Carlisle elementary and is enjoying teaching his second graders all about the big, big world.   He is especially excited about implementing the new reading curriculum this year!  He continues to coach cross country as well as track (and cheer on those Hawkeyes—been a rough year for that).  I am going into my 12^th year (this January) at the Child Development Center and blessed to have my exuberant preschoolers keep me on my toes (those vitamins are for them too).  We both feel quite fortunate to have such fulfilling careers that give us such a great sense of purpose and keep us young at heart.  We were able to enjoy a family vacation to Galena and Madison, WI, this summer and a very short day trip to KC’s Lego Land and to see Marty’s brother, Matt, and wife, Tanya, and the kids this fall.  We were also able to spend some precious time with my sis, Erin, and Harold as they came in from Brooklyn! We were also quite blessed to have Aunt Jen around lots! Wish we could have kept her! We enjoyed a reunion with some of the Gerdes clan in Des Moines this summer as well.  Great seeing all of the cousin’s kids play together.  Our summers are jam packed with sports and we try to get family “breaks” in whenever we can!

We have four BIG miracles this year that we remember to praise God for each and every night!  Baby John’s first birthday!  How far you’ve come, big guy—in a world that said ‘no’, our God screamed’ YES’! Our Nicole McComas!  A long, bumpy road, my sweet friend!  What a journey you’ve made with such grace!  Our baby McKenna!  Such a precious miracle baby!  We praise the Lord with the Black family! And my sisters!  Three of my best friends live out on the East Coast—they just happen to be my sisters; Erin in Brooklyn, Jen in New Hampshire, and Molly in New York.  Hurricane Sandy left a path of devastating destruction.  And while she took away power, transportation, and homes—she did not take away their lives.  All three of my loves are safe and sound.  Miracles DO happen.  And not just in the Bible!  They happen every day.  These incredible people, big and small, remind me that God is present here and now—and the power of faith and prayer is just as strong today as it was back in that tiny little stable in Bethlehem.  We wish you all a very blessed Christmas, filled with the true and miraculous magic of this season!  Much love to you all! 

 

Humbly yours,

Angie, Marty, Max, and Griffyn Mitchell  

Visiting Santa in Oskaloosa in the middle of one of Max's basketball tournaments...

Someday soon...

It has been a week!  Or has it?  What day is it? 

 

I simply can not wrap my mind around the fact that today is Saturday.  I remember getting up at the crack of dawn on Monday after a busy weekend and going to work.  I remember voting Tuesday.  I remember starting to feel like crap that afternoon. 

The puking began and it went down hill from there.  Chalked it up to the flu and had to call my director to let her know I wasn't going to be able to make it in to work the next day.  I HATE having to do that!  I can work through most anything--but puking (while not being able to run to a bathroom when ever I need to) and running a high fever are deal breakers--just can't do it with my job and a room full of 24 kids. 

The fever raged on, next came a horrific sore throat, sweating through my clothes at least three times a day, headache (which is nothing new to me), shakes, and still puking.  What kind of flu was this?  Another day of missed work.  I was in and out of sleep--not really sleeping because I was in so much pain (and because of all of the construction in our backyard--and right outside our bedroom window)--and kind of dreaming, but the "dreams" were so real--so I thought I had actually talked to my director to excuse myself for Thursday, but wasn't sure I had--and was very glad I called Thursday morning to find that I hadn't--goodness--I wanted off this horrendous ride!!!!!!!  Bawling mess of heated tears.

By Friday, my mom convinced me I needed to go to the doctor.  I just could not fathom that I had yet another bacterial infection!!!  I had been on so many heavy duty antibiotics the past few months for ear and sinus infections and had been to the doctor so many times--I was honestly embarrassed to call yet again.  I wanted to ride this out and let my body fight if off on it's own--but after five days of hell, I surrendered.  I was losing the battle.  I was beyond frustrated.  I couldn't do a damn thing to help my family and had essentially missed a full week of work.  No where near better--and here we were at Friday.  Defeated and depressed (and a very stressed out husband).  Norwalk Family Physicians, here I come--my second home... (they are amazing, by the way--never make me feel like a bother--no matter how many times I have to come in ;))

The drive in to Norwalk to see the doctor yesterday, with my four year old, was the scariest.  I felt like I was in my improv class in high school as I got into my car-- the scene is 'you're expected to do something you know you shouldn't be doing or can't do'-"pretend you are a superhero... go!" Over a median--briefly, ran into the curb, miscalculated an exit--and God above had his angels all around me.  Griff thought it was fun. Should not have been driving--but what was I supposed to do?  Marty wanted me to wait till he could take me--but doctors only have so many appointments available and since I was running a 103 temp while on 600 mg of ibuprofen every five hours, I thought I should probably get myself in.  My none working neighbors were busy with other plans and I had to go.  Simple as that.  Got in, passed out, and the verdict was acute strep. 

Still feel like merd, pardon the French, but hoping the penicillin (three times a day) will kick in soon.  Throat still insanely sore, and still taking 3 ibuprofen for pain every five hours so I can swallow and running a mild fever (down to 101--yay!!! :)), but it's only been a day on meds after a week of having this crap, so hoping by tomorrow I will start feeling like a human being again (I'll even take close to one :)).  And the ear pain?  Explained--when you have a "flaming" sore throat--due to the proximity of the ears--your ears will be in intense pain as well.  Yay.  Not going completely insane ;). 
 
I also did something I have never done in the 16 years my husband and I have been together.  I told him I needed him to stay home this weekend.  He was going to the Hawkeye game again in IC.  These past few months for me have just been hell.  One illness after the other while not 'missing a beat', if you will.  I never ask him to because, in my mind, he should WANT to and it should be second nature to him.  I'm his wife.  He should want to care for me and help take care of these kids that are his family--out of a sense of 'love', I guess.  If he doesn't want to, then I don't want him to.  My pride was completely gone at this point.  I didn't care where his heart was at. I just couldn't do it.  So, I didn't give a crap if he wanted to be here or not--you're going to stay.  Suck it up.  First time in the history of our marriage.  And while it hurts, yes, that it wasn't his idea and I had to ask last night--my body hurts too bad to really care at this point.  Deal with all that later.  It has just been a week and I really just need to get physically better.  I need to be able to function--the one foot in front of the other function.  That needs to happen now.  It is what it is...  He's a great guy.  Just really loves his Hawkeyes :).

I hate that this much time has been wasted.  Five whole days of being miserable and just waiting to feel better the next morning--and each day being worse than the next--and just wanting to feel good--for longer than a few days--again.  I am vowing to be kinder and gentler to myself from now on.  In my mind and thoughts as well.  I will try to let stupidity, ignorance and meanness go.  I have too much love and kindness in my life to let that pettiness get me down.  So many miracles in my life to praise God for--would rather spend my life praising than stressing! :) 

And yes, some things have to change--and those things that can't change, I just need to distance myself from.  We can't completely walk away from everything, but we can often create the space we need to breathe--and we don't need to apologize for that -- ever.  We can not control other people's behavior and how they continue to treat us, day after day, year after year...  But God gave us a mind, heart, and soul to use and to protect.  We don't need to cast it before those who will trod upon it repeatedly when there are so many who will restore it and build it up. 

I find it so ridiculously silly that I find myself apologizing for not LETTING people treat me like crap.  Oh, I'm so sorry I won't come over as often and let you disrespect me.  Really, Ang?  Really?  But yet, I do.  No more.  So last year ;)...

And then I look to my girls, my sisters, my amazing friends and I sometimes find their love and acceptance to be so odd because I'm, quite frankly, not used to it, nor do I feel deserving of it...  again, so last year... ;)  over it!  this mommas arms are OPEN!!! 

In the debacle of the last few months of bacterial infection after infection and specialist visits, tests and speculation for this momma and this latest strep infection, I had a dear friend that had yet another surgery after fighting cancer for the past year and a half send me a message yesterday.  She just had surgery about a week or so ago.  Just had drainage tubes removed (her last of three) and just had stitches removed yesterday.  She felt so bad I was still sick, couldn't do much, but her husband could.  She knew Marty would be gone, and would love to take the kids to the park and out for lunch so I would get some rest.  Surgery.  Cancer.  Has three kids of her own.  Recovering.  Just got stitches out THAT DAY.  Not supposed to be doing anything.  Could she come get my two boys so I could rest?!?!?!?  Blew my mind and I just started bawling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Lost my merd (again, excuse my French).  When I had to ASK my own husband to please stay home?!?  Wow.  I really have the best friends.  I truly do not know what I would do without these angels here on earth.  God knows I need these sisters.
 
I'm all over the place--I haven't had a coherent thought in months--I've been bitter, I've been struggling, I've been joyful, I've been thankful and blessed, I've been so tired, I've felt so very loved, I just want to feel better, I've been doing it all on nothing, lots of questions, very few answers, and just trusting God that he knows exactly what he's doing--as always.
 
Thanks to all of you for putting up with all of me.  And I am so thankful for Glennon and Momastery as her blog inspires me so much.  If you can give, she has an amazing gift giving extravaganza going on right now.  Pretty awesome.  Giving lots to the East Coast right now and sending lots of prayers up.  Hits very close to home right now as all of my sisters are out there.  They just got hit by another storm this week.  If you can, do what you can.  Even it it's prayer--prayer is so very powerful!!!!  Especially when we all do it together!

The ramblings of a this crazy momma must come to a close.  Time to shower as I seem to have sweat through yet another pair of clothes while typing.  More laundry to pile onto the mountain overflowing over the hamper I haven't touched all week (can't carry it downstairs and no one else seems to be able to either ;)).  These fevers are crazy.  Especially on ibuprofen.  Hope to have some brain cells left by the end of this.  Oh, and just a little tid bit I learned from the doc--if you let strep go too long--it turns into scarlet fever--mom, you were right...  Hence the rash...  I thought it was just a fever rash.  Also called scarlatina.  Old school, right?  Bringing it back, ladies :).

love and peace, as always....  and huge germ less hugs!

Sunshine and Saturdays...

Joy. Letting it settle into my bones and wrap me up in it's warmth as comfy as my favorite sweat pants.

Sitting here drinking tea and eating an embarrassing amount of Halloween candy while the washer and dryer hum away in time with the dishwasher.  The Halloween totes have been lugged up from the basement and are sitting in the living room--ready to be refilled with all of our Halloween decor and lugged back down said stairs till ghoul time next year.  All too soon, it will be time to get the Christmas decorations out.  For now, I will put our orange and black away, dust, and bring out our one Thanksgiving decoration--a little pilgrim boy riding on top of a turkey.  Seems fitting for this house :).
Max and Marty are at basketball camp today.  Marty has decided to coach with his buddy, Paul.  This makes my heart happy.  Max seems to do better when his daddy is coaching.  He seems far less anxious and he is able to have more fun.  His new basketball shoes looked HUGE when he took them out of the box this morning--but low and behold, they fit.  My boy has become a giant :)!
Griffyn is working on more "projects" at the kitchen table which is scattered with glue bottles, glitter, construction paper, scissors, stickers, markers, oil pastels, and all art things imaginable.  He loves to create--and I will do everything in my power to facilitate this messy business of creation.  That, and it keeps him busy for quite some time :).  As he is cutting and gluing and creating "my duys"--we have the best conversations.  He told me that he really wants to be a grown up and doesn't want to be a "yittle tid" anymore.  When I asked him why he said, "So I tan be in charge and say fings yike, 'Det in da tar' and 'tlean up dis mess!'".  Oh goodness!  So THAT'S what I sound like!
This week has been a little crazy (how often do I write that?!? ;)), but winding down to a comfortable lull of familiar crazy now.  As most of you have heard me whine about being sick for the past few months upon months, a visit to the ENT brought up a concern that was rather scary for this momma--the possibility of a brain tumor.  My vision issues and intense pain and pressure within my ears (which are just fine and lovely) along with a host of other issues, caused Dr. Schulte to schedule an MRI yesterday.  An experience I don't really ever want to do again--for those of you who are claustrophobic and have a hard time lying perfectly still for 40 minutes while your head and neck are trapped in a Hannibal Lecter like mask contraption that snaps over your face--you'll understand.  The dye did not take kindly to my veins which decided to close thus causing the combination of dye and saline to go underneath my skin--which felt like someone had lit a match and set me on fire--all while NOT being able to move and being encased like a sausage in a very scary loud magnetic and photographic device.  I thought of my friend, Nicole, who has endured so much in the form of chemo, radiation, surgery, and test after test after test--I thought of her and was able to be still...
Dr. Schulte is amazing.  He has given both of my boys tubes, removed Max's tonsils and adenoids, and been such an integral key to keeping this fam healthy--which is no small task with this asthma/sinus/allergy bunch.  He encourages me to be a warrior for my family's health--even when people don't understand.  In short, we love him.  He checked out my pokes to make sure all was well, and asked if I'd like him to read the MRI first then come back and get me--or if we should just go in and read them together.  At this point in the waiting game, I chose the later.  We sat side by side, going through each image as he explained what he was looking for.  Pretty amazing experience to be able to see the inside of your brain!  Surreal and awesome--God made us all so complex!  I couldn't help but notice there was a lovely little heart in the middle of my brain where both hemispheres connected.  "No one has ever said that before," Dr. Schulte chuckled.  Preschool teachers notice these things ;).  We were looking for symmetry--and all was good.  No tumors.  Nothing strange or suspicious.  I had a beautiful brain!  SO relieved--yet, what next? 
Dr. Schulte believes I have something called Mal de Debarquement Syndrome (MdDs).  It is often experienced by "women my age" who have been on a boat, roller coaster, or experienced a situation of traumatic imbalance of some kind.  He honed in on this when I had mentioned that all of this horrible pain started happening after I rode on the roller coaster at Adventureland this summer with my niece.  I got off the roller coaster and felt like I was still on it--the feeling just wouldn't leave.  The sensation of pain in the ears, dizziness, imbalance, nausea, etc. can last from months to years (the mean being 3.5 years).  It can also be caused by a variant of a migraine (which I also have) and my migraines have been getting worse and stranger (vision issues that are just scary) as well.  There is no cure.  You just wait it out.  Some medications can help ease the discomfort of the issues, however.  Yay--more pills!  He has referred me on to a neurologist.  I had both of Dr. Hansen's children in preschool, and his office is full of mommies whose children I care for, so I know I will be in good hands.  He comes highly recommended by a very dear friend of mine as well (love you, Sara).  In the mean time, my regular doctor (am I getting that old that I have to differentiate my docs? ;)) wants to chat on Monday about possible things we can do to make these issues a bit more bearable (my kidneys need a break from all the ibuprofen ;)).  I am sooooo relieved to know it is nothing life threatening--just annoying :).  I can handle annoying--I just may be a bit more so myself ;).
Griffyn is asking me to come and check out all the creatures he has made (googly eyes are the bomb!!!) and this Halloween stuff won't pack up itself!  So thankful for an extra hour this weekend and beyond excited to visit the Black family and cuddle baby McKenna tomorrow!  Need to bake something yummy for the Black crew!  Love to y'all and continued prayers going up for those on the East Coast!!!!  So thankful my sisters are all safe and sound!  Enjoy your Saturday and the sunshine (and time to rewarm this cup of Zen).