A Mind Awake...

I just like it because it is beautiful--randomly beautiful...

I wish I could switch off my brain for the evening.  It is much too late and this momma was up much too early and put in a ten hour day with wee ones then home again, home again for a few more hours with a few of her own who are getting much too big.  Damn time!  Nothing profound going on up there, just the stuff of life--and I can't let go--like tiny fingers wrapping around and squeezing my brain (of whose size you can be the judge... ;))
And why can I not let go of this day?  It's quiet now.  The boys are all asleep.  The troubles, the trials, the laughter, the hard work, the hugs the kisses--they are all done now--still as the night.  All that's left is the sound of the boy's "Sleep Sound In Jesus" CD, singing on repeat, to keep away the boogie men... (there are several--some hide in the closet, some under the bed...)
And I just can't let go of it all.  Just sitting here, partially enjoying the stillness and also partly feeling nailed down by it.  Immobile.  Because this kind of quiet makes my mind whir in crazy circles--fast and without purpose--all wheels spinning at once--all forms of thought in chaos--for that moment of clarity they may claim in this silence that doesn't come very often except for so very, very late--when lucidity of thought is, well, just not lucid...
I have pills for this.  Honestly, I am trying very hard to have less pills for this.  The reality of this came when I was so tired and feeling quite crappy last week and asked my husband to bring me all of my medications before I went to bed.  The look on his face as he handed them all to me made me feel terrible, "You take all these pills?".  Welcome to my world, honey.  Yes, every single morning and every single night.  You think I'm crazy now, babe, you should see me off my meds ;)...
I meditate, practice yoga, I know Jesus loves me, and we pray our guts out and read our Bible fervently here.  I have been finding the boy's Bible readings to be particularly enjoyable as they are always spot on for what is going on in our days.  God speaks to us, he really does.  Maybe that's why my ears have been hurting so badly.  It's not this Mal de Debarquement syndrome--it's that he's had to practically yell at this child of his lately to get me to listen...
Sorting it all out.  All this stuff.  Putting it in piles in my mind, sweeping up some junk I'd like to throw out, but I always keep everything, and trying to gain a sense of order up there.  It hurts.  And I have meds for that too.  And I know all these little prescriptions are designed to keep me mobile, keep me moving, keep me putting one foot in front of the other--I get that--as here I am, up, up, up after being up all night the night before and getting up at 4:30 a.m. for work--I need rest--I understand--my clockwork is just off, is all...  I am just off, is all...
And I want to go snuggle in with my boys--all peaceful and sweet after we had a chaotic schedule after work and school of track practice for daddy, baseball practice for Max, homework (I can not begin to tell you how much I loathe fourth grade math), figuring out a quick dinner, baths, Bible time, prayers, and bed--and all that ensues between those activities can be anything but peaceful.  And here they are in this moment--peaceful--and now I have to go to bed?
I will, I must, the day is full tomorrow...  Someday I will get this down, I will be a better mommy, person, and fix what ever it is that is all crooked and bent about this body and mind...  And yet, I strongly rebel against it being hammered out all too smoothly--because that somehow, just isn't me...

Hoping you are all peacefully sleeping like my boys while the dragons in my head play hockey ;) ... 

I'm not going to stay awake too much longer to find out the score...

Rest, love, and much more rest, to you all...

Now I Know My ABC's

Most of us in education look forward to continuing ed hours as much as we look forward to a trip to the dentist--tolerable, but something that just has to be done and not something that we really enjoy.  And when you've been in the field for so long, it's easy to get into the mind set "I dare you to teach me something NEW!".  Really, after twelve years, what crazy new ideas can you give me.  I've been through the trenches, I've seen it all, and quite frankly, every year it just gets worse...  I mean really, what light bulb moment is going to happen that is worth taking me away from my family that I hardly ever get to see due to our crazy schedules for an entire morning and afternoon?

So, it's pretty obvious, I've been in a bit of a rut lately.  You could say a tad discouraged, maybe even depressed--yes.  Wondering what else I could possibly do with this degree I worked so hard for so many years ago?  Waking up before 6 a.m. yesterday morning to go to this conference, I really just wanted to get it over with, get home, and figure out what in the world I was going to do with the rest of my life.  I know I love working with kids.  That is not the issue.  The issue is, I am thoroughly exhausted, feel unsupported, unappreciated and do not feel respected--and now I have to give up a Saturday with my family on top of that.  So here we go, let's get this requirement over with.  Great attitude, right?

Wow--and the day became one of those "God things".  The speaker blew me away!  Amazing does not even begin to cut it.  She had been a kindergarten teacher, worked with at risk teens (lived with them as a house mom), was a principal, and now worked with high risk special needs kids (her calling) all week and then flew out on the weekends to give these seminars to encourage teachers.  Talk about being in the trenches and having been there!!!  This wasn't someone with less education then I had telling me I needed to get more education, this wasn't someone with less experience then I had telling me I needed more (or not even aware of or asking me what my experience was or IS or what I do on a weekly basis outside of my job to further educate myself)--this was someone who knew far more and had been through it ALL, managed and experienced far more than I and was respecting where I was coming from, asking my opinion, and wanting to support and help me.  Wow.  It was literally like whip lash.  I cried.  Was she for real? 

She was so POSITIVE, so ENCOURAGING, so RESPECTFUL, so UPLIFTING.  I was literally at the end of my rope.  She didn't give me just a knot to hold on to--she gave me a platform to stand on.  Yes, my career path IS important.  I am not just a body.  What I have to offer is unique to me.  She began the conference by saying, "We go to work everyday and we help build people."  She had me at "hello"... :)

We talked about how stressful our positions are and how teachers have their own unique stressors.  The key to those stressors is having an administrative system that will consistently support their staff.  We deal with so much--and that 'so much' can be just a, b, c, d in one little child and one family and then add 22 more plus kids to that mix and more families and portfolios and paperwork and long hours and more behavior problems and worrying about children, etc. etc. etc.  And when you're feeling all this distress, it's hard to think clearly.  (so that's my problem... ;))  And we, as teachers, take that all on.  And it takes its toll.  So, if you don't have an administration that supports you--let's face it, it's not a perfect world--what do you do?!? You have to take care of yourself.  You do.  And therein lies my problem.  I worry too much,  and I always tell myself, "someone HAS to care--if not their parents, if not the people that should--I have to" but when no one is listening, what do you do?  You do all you can, and you HAVE to take care of you.  You are no good to anyone if you don't take care of yourself.  I needed a grown up to tell me that--besides my doctor--who then always puts me on an extra vitamin and tells me to get more sleep...  I just wish they made band aids for everything...

She also talked about managing that pressure that threatens to overwhelm you so well by changing the way you think about situations.  Attitude is everything.  I can not take on everything.  I can only change me.  "You can only change yourself and how you look at things."  She talked about having a visual support system at work.  Y'all have seen my bulletin board of photos of family and friends and kids at my "office" :) --it's over flowing.  I do this because I need this in the classroom.  And when she started talking about this I thought of a conversation I had with a co-worker as I was putting more pictures up last week--it really does help me.  She talked about how important it is for us to be able to do that in our classrooms.  I do need to think differently about my job and perhaps look at it more in a 'detached' perspective.  These children all become "my children" and I see my boys in their eyes (be they girls or boys :)) and I think 'how would I want someone to treat my babies?'.  I can't fix it all.  But I can love them all...  My favorite quote of hers of the day, "You can lean on excuse or focus on what you can control."  Amen, sister (she's my new bff, she just doesn't know it yet ;)).

She talked about bringing joy and relaxation into our lives by bringing it into our classrooms--getting more goofy and silly with the kids--which we do--but bringing it out more.  More singing and dancing, having a laugh-a-thon with the kids, having a "comfort kit" in our classrooms, and relaxation exercises the kids can do (smelling the flower or blowing out the candles--loved this one--holding up five fingers and pretending they are candles and blowing out each one like they are candles on a birthday cake).  Just small things to either elevate or bring calm to classroom.  We all need those small things as teachers...

We talked about Magic Wishes, and Bear Caves and Silly Pirates, and King of Hearts and all kinds of fun, tangible, concrete ideas.  She did not push product.  In fact, she would put a few onscreen and say, "but you don't need this, you can make your own."  We talked about new ways to INVOLVE PARENTS (thank you!!!) and being a parent myself, I appreciated that she respected that we don't always have the TIME we would like to spend and we often feel guilty about that and would LIKE to be more involved but work, our other kids and schedules, impede upon this.  One of her suggestions, coming from a momma who LOVES her pictures, was so cool.  She suggested we have parents donate disposable cameras if they would like to.  Write the child's name on it and take photos of that child doing various things throughout their day (art projects, dancing/singing, playing on the playground, in the gym, etc.) and when it's all used up, put it in their cubby and the parent can then get it developed.  Costs us nothing!  And the parent gets those mommy/daddy moments they are missing throughout their child's day.  LOVE it :)! 

We talked about behavioral issues--which seem to be on the rise--and another quote I took away, "You CAN NOT teach a new skill set if the brain is in crisis".  So true.  And yet how many times does that go ignored?  She also was careful to stress that what ever you pay attention to is what will continue in your classroom--so pay attention to what is going right.  When a child is throwing a tantrum in your classroom, make sure they are safe, then walk around the class room and praise the children who are doing what they should be doing "Claire, you are building such a great structure out of blocks over here!  Michael, I love the way you are sharing that book with Emma!".  I needed that reminder.  So often the misbehavior is the behavior that gets the most attention.  I need to be more mindful of what I am paying attention to.  Unfortunately, the tantrums in our classrooms tend to be more violent and in that case, I will unapologetically call administration and attend to what is going right in our classroom.  Thankfully I have amazing co-teachers as well!  Love you guys!

This was my "aha" moment.  She talked about the three reasons why we all do something--from zero to 110:  1.  to gain something, 2, to avoid losing something, and 3. because you love someone.  She said for a child that has major behavior challenges and problems, number one and two aren't going to matter.  Have you ever tried a behavior chart with these kids and threatened to take their sticker away and heard, "fine, I don't like stickers anyway!"?  You have to have a relationship with them.  SO important. 

 

We talked about self regulation, redirection with purpose, and getting through to those kids that are going through emotional pain.  We talked about lying, why kids do it, why it begins at this age, playing the "true and untrue game" (loved this one), tattling, having a tattle box or tattle walkie talkie in the room, enhancing social/emotional development through movement, fun moving ways to do math, fun ways to do the ABC's and literacy, music as a way to involve parents and build teamwork, how to teach respect, strategies to teach children to be responsible and handle disappointments appropriately, teaching children emotional literacy, instilling honesty and unselfishness, and we also talked about children who hurt themselves and when this becomes excessive behavior. I could go on and on, and this is getting lengthy, so anyone who want my notes, I can make copies, I'm going to try to wrap this up.  All in all, an amazing day!  My brain was mush by the end of it (but in a good way) :)!

If you get an opportunity to see Ms. Pearl speak, do.  Please do.  It was the spark and cognitive earthquake I needed to continue. Love and peace to you all--and happy hugs and nose wiping! :)

"With just one small voice singing out a song; with just one small voice singing sweet and strong, One by one they'll grow, and together sing along, and then soon all the world will be singing."

That girl...

Yes, it is true...  I am THAT girl.  The girl with the camera, always taking pictures, of you, of your kids, of my kids, at every event imaginable, every gathering, making copies of pictures, sending them to you, I just can't help myself, click, snap, there I am...
 
I know it drives some of my friends crazy.  They put up with it because it's me.  Just as my eyes are blue and my heart is sensitive, my hand will more than likely be holding a camera--it's a part of my 'make up', let's say.
 
There are several "reasons" for this--as I've analyzed myself--another part of my 'make up' ;).  One, I don't remember much of my childhood, and any memories I do have are pretty abysmal.  I don't have much, and I want my kids to have volumes.  Beautiful, sunshiny, precious, lovely, gorgeous, volumes of history.  Judging by the shelves and baskets full of photo albums and Shutterfly books we've compiled, we're on our way :).  Second, I love my friends and family--LOVE them.  They are the reason I breathe, the reason I get up every day.  When I get down in the dumps and question every thing every now and again, these are the treasures I get out and peruse through with a cup of tea--and I count my blessings--gold, this is my silver and gold.  Third, goes along with the memory department--one of my biggest fears, as I have shared with some of you--is not dying.  I completely accept dying.  It is forgetting before I die.  That scares me more than anything in this life.  I remember watching my great Grandmother, and wouldn't you know it, I've forgotten her name, go through Alzheimer's, as a little girl and she was so mean to my sisters and I--and it scared me that she didn't know who we were, insisted we were someone else, and yet we were forced to visit and be around this poor woman who didn't care for our company.  I don't want to be that girl.  So I take these pictures.  Tons of pictures.  And as I've joked to Deb and Shelly, at least I'll have a billion pictures of people I don't know ;).

In this life, we all have our "things".  Mine just happen to be my loves, my friends, my family and they are what keep me going, walking, living, breathing, surviving this chaos of life -- along with the good Lord above -- and as prayer and the good Word are reminders and jump start my faith -- photographs around my home, my work place, my heart, my purse, keep my spirit uplifted also.  I'm not alone in this walk.  God has blessed my boys and this family with such kindred spirits -- and as time has a way of passing by so quickly and moving people from here to there -- I will keep snapping away and catching those glimpses and pockets of memories, saving them for a split second and freezing them in still moments to look back on again and again in those quiet moments when life seems to need a glimmer of happy, a shot of blessing...  and the boys and I can snuggle up with blankets and albums and giggle and smile and say "remember when?"... 

and I thank all of you for so graciously putting up with the camera in your face and being part of this family of ours ...  we hope you know how much we love you and what blessings you are to us...  don't worry, I'll leave the camera home tonight for the St. Pat's festivities...  ;) 

Yoga lessons...

I did my morning yoga routine bright and early as usual.  Sometimes it makes me feel youthful and I am amazed by my body--its strength and flexibility--what we are able to do with the form that God gave us and by using just the weight of our own bodies to create muscle and fluidity of movement to exercise--with only a mat required.  Utterly amazed.  We are miracles!  Today I felt that, but I also felt achy, and a little creaky, and maybe a smidgen older ;).  I also hadn't had my proper quota of coffee. 
I find myself challenged by this exercise, physically and mentally.  It gives me cause to pause, to breathe, and connects me to my body--forces me at times--as it requires me to balance and focus in ways that no other form of exercise does.  I have to concentrate.  I can't think of anything else.  If I do, I just may fall over ;)...
I also have found a new yoga buddy in my oldest son.  He loves it!  In fact, I have to admit (another mommy of the year moment) last Saturday he was begging me to do yoga again.  We had just finished reading together and I was soooooo tired--barely keeping my eyes open tired (reading does that to me--I think it's the sitting still for that long part).  I had done my session already that morning and it was getting close to bed time and I just, quite honestly, wanted to be LAZY--there I said it! :)  He rolled out our mats on the bedroom floor.  He saw how tired I was and asked if he could do it by himself anyway, and I told him, "sure".  The worst part?  I continued to sit on the bed and watch him -- eating ice cream, straight out of the container...  I told you, mother of the year!!!  But, it makes me so happy that he loves it as much as I do and it makes him feel so good too.  He's also finding he's able to do more push ups in baseball practice--added bonus :).
We all need focus, to find our center, to find balance in this crazy life, to be able to breathe...  Yoga helps me do that.  I've been doing it since I was 22, and it's always been my fall back exercise when I hurt myself running.  Now it seems to be my fallback for just getting older ;).  It helps me de-stress and it's also helping me connect with my children on another level.  Griffyn's got moves I've never seen (and I keep current with Yoga Journal, so not sure which form he studies ;)) and he keeps me smiling. Especially since he calls it "Yoda".
I also find it helps me connect even more closely with God. While breathing, while focusing, while being still, it connects me to my faith.  And I am reminded that just as God was masterful, powerful, genius enough to create these amazing bodies of ours, he is God enough for me, for this family, and has a plan amidst the chaos of our lives--and I go back to my one of my favorite verses so often:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

He knows, I don't have to have it all figured out.  I don't have to even like it right now.  This, where I am right now, is where I am supposed to be.  I am living and breathing part of his plan in this moment.  My kids and all of their trials and tribulations?  Yep--you guessed it.  Part of his plan.  He's got this.  I don't need to feel like I have it all under control or question, question, question, question...  As long as my eyes are on him and I am being faithful, that is enough. 

I want my kids to seek their dreams, to believe they can have big ones, to feel secure, to have faith and to know that God is always, I mean ALWAYS going to be there for them--even when mommy and daddy may fail.  And we will.  We're not perfect.  I will not always say or do the right thing, I will be tired, I will not always be patient, but God is always there, and all of this is part of his perfect plan for you, for me, for all of us.  I have to know that, THEY have to know that.  He knows what's best.  And there is something so incredibly freeing, and yet scary (as my ten year old says) in that--I think it's because it forces you to be humble--to concede you don't know it all or have it all together--well honey, I am fully ready to concede to that!

But it also forces you to realize that it may be crappy for awhile and that this mud and manure pile, for lack of a better word, may be a place for you to grow.  Fertilizer, for your soul, if you will.  You don't have to stoop to the level of yuck around you, be crabby or thoughtless, but God is definitely working in me, teaching me something--and this time, I think it's that I need to just stop and stand still.  Really.  Sounds silly, but  much like a yoga pose of meditation, I believe he is telling me to stop and be still.  I don't have to fight this battle or change this place, this little cosmos that is my profession--I will show up and do what I need to do, be the light I need to be for him, but that is all I need to do in this moment he has me in this environment.  That is enough.  Be the best me he created me to be--and that is enough.  It's like he's telling me what I tell my kids "just do your best in my name, and I will always be proud of you" :).

I have enough and more important things going on at home.  That is where the bulk of my energy should be going.  That is where it is valued, appreciated and just where it really needs to be.  The other is just an empty vacuum where it is being used up and sucked away for no purpose.  And then, when God opens another opportunity in his perfect time, I will know, and I will follow where he leads.  Sigh.  He plans to prosper, not harm, give us hope, and a future.  Sounds good to me.  :)  We truly have nothing to fear when he is guiding our lives... nothing...

And out of all the yoga poses we do (Max loves inversions just as much as his mommy!  They are so fun! :)) the simplest and most relaxing is the child pose, which we do at the end of a long set to just calm down, relax, and breathe.  And this is how I come to God in these quiet moments.  As his child, just wanting protection from the insanity of life.  When communication does nothing because people lie and are not direct or honest so you get nowhere, when you feel trapped because you need insurance for your children and you have to pay your bills and you have to have a job but it just is really, really not the greatest situation, when your "super mom" cape has been at the cleaners for months on end and you're pretty sure they've lost it, when you're heart just hurts because you can't help someone you love so much like you want to help them and you know how they hurt and you feel how they hurt and you cry and you pray and you pray and you cry some more--I get on my knees and cry out to my Father and am so thankful from the depths of my soul that I can.  I am not a lost child.  I am HIS child.  And he has a plan for me.  Even in all this mess.  And he has a plan for you.  Even in all this mess.  And in the really good stuff too.  There is a plan.  There is hope, there is prosperity, there is a future.  And it's a good one. 

 

Love and peaceful moments... 

 

even when the moments aren't peaceful...

 

Love you, friends. 





Good enough...

 

I had to laugh to myself while getting off the elevator today after work (yes, that's how tired I was after this week from hell--I rode the elevator ;)) when a sweet co-worker said to me "You have the perfect life, I always tell my husband that--the perfect life, Angie, the perfect kids, the perfect everything" and I had to get off as quick as I could so she couldn't see me burst into tears.  Would try to make it to the car and save that for the ride home.  It had been a week.  It has been for months is seems. 

It was a rather loaded, though well intentioned and meant as something so kind, statement for a less than perfect week of no sleep (as in almost zero), not feeling well, 'things' at work, and dealing with some heavy issues that are always issues that no one ever sees -- behind our doors, behind these walls, these prayers, this sanctuary that is our home, behind this "job" called parenthood and this relationship called "marriage".

I've never been super confident in anything I've ever done but school.  Damn good at school.  Books and studying--those things made sense, and I loved them and excelled at them.  Even philosophy, psychology, sociology, the ambiguity of all of the humanities made sense.  Okay, so statistics for psych (who can memorize all those formulas?!?), MEQ, chemistry and calculus I was not so stellar at, but I graduated with honors and rocked it out magna cum laude in the top ten percent of my class at Simpson (last thing I was ever really good at, so I will brag ;)).  I was good at getting an education. 

For a summer I got to work at Westminster Houses I and II right here in Des Moines--amidst a bit of suburbia--homes for the mentally ill--you wouldn't necessarily know it passing by.  Young adults with varying degrees of mental illness ranging from OCD, anxiety, to full blown schizophrenia--putting my behavioral and abnormal psychology education from textbook into real life (throwing in some child psych as well).  I will never forget that summer.  And I strongly encourage anyone who poo poo's early intervention in children to go and visit for a few hours--or even a couple of minutes. A lot of these young adults could have been spared a life of institution.  I firmly believe that.   

As the new girl, pulling a night shift and then day shift wasn't uncommon--nor was getting thrown into situations without much training.  Will never forget those kids or adults.  Todd, the young man who saw squirrels running up and down his bedroom walls all hours of the day and night, Robby who thought he was a pro football player for the Jets in rehab at the home for an injury (lots of football tossed around in the 'backyard' with Rob), Susan who was just really, really mean and I never really knew why she was there, Steve the guy who was always washing his hands and mumbling to himself about how we were all trying to poison him, Craig who was always trying to sneak out for cigs and coffee at a gas station not too far away and was bipolar but more sullen than manic, and a host of other 'misfits' that just couldn't fit into society on daily basis--or didn't have family who really wanted to deal with them. 

And this all became "normal", to some degree, but then jarring acts of violence would scare me enough to realize that this was not something I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  I felt like I was talking to ghosts--apparitions of people that were once but were no longer and it made me so damn depressed.  I wanted to help them before they got this way--before they were helpless and caged--before I had to lock myself in a kitchen because the squirrels told him he should kill me...  Yes, that was one crazy summer.

But, I think any of us who have been through crazy, want to help or have some empathy for crazy.  And those of us that have been through trauma and have our own scars and issues often times want to help others that have them too--to be that support that says, hey, I know, I've been there too, it's going to be okay, you can do it.  And more than anything, we want our kids to have it all.  All the love, the security, the joy, the stability and blessing in the world.  We never want them to feel the way we did--ever... 

So, what if they do?  What if they struggle with some of the same issues that we do?  What if they struggle with more?  Without the trauma, without the pain, what if they struggle?   I can't speak too much to this because my child's privacy is important to me and I don't need my husband being bombarded by his family, but I do think it is okay to speak about our struggles--it is okay--life is not perfect and it never will be.  And we should never assume that any one person's is.  I also find it interesting that the people who know you the least often have the most advice... 

I started out this "mom" gig without too much worry--oldest of five--had kind of done most of it.  Had two colicky boys that screamed for not months, but their first YEAR of life--wasn't banking on that, were sick all the time, and had asthma and allergies.  But the really hard parts didn't happen till much later on...

Being a mom is by far the hardest, yet most rewarding, thing I have ever done--and maybe someday I can speak candidly.  Some days are beyond awesome, and some days I want to run away and just wish we could all just be "normal" -- but then I re-realize :) that God makes us all the way we are for a reason and that often the biggest hearts are the most vulnerable.  I love my two boys with all my heart--they are my heart--and I will continue to do everything I can to be the best mommy I can be for them--despite what anyone else thinks or how anyone else interprets or understands that.  And I will admit that at this point, I may not realize what that "best" is, but I will continue to pray and to search until I find it.  And yes, I am exhausted and frustrated and confused and would not mind a quick fix after years of all of this, but I know that through it all, God makes us stronger, better, more faithful people IF we look to him, concede to our weakness and find strength in his grace.  Only IF.  Because I fail miserably on my own.  Flat on my face fail...

So, be kind, for everyone is fighting their own battles :). 

I want to say a special thank you to my friends who listen through all of my "I am fine's" and know when I am not, who genuinely care, who ASK, who listen...  who really, really listen and do not judge, I love you all to pieces, for loving all of my broken pieces, and yet making me feel perfectly whole.  Jesus made you my sisters, and I know I could not walk this path without your hands reaching out to me and for me -- and heck, grabbing me (stubborn as I am) when I fall -- you know how much I hate to and will NOT ask for help.  Friendship is rare.  You are my diamonds.  I love you. 

 

Aiming for sleep.  Putting it all in his hands.  Always in his hands.  His capable, loving, hands.  He knows, he has a plan, and he is ever faithful.  Even when my child is scared.  Even when I am scared for him.  I need not be...

 

Fear not...  and although it may not all magically go away, I can continue to hold, to pray, to comfort, (and sleep someday will come) and KNOW that although I may not be the best at this mommy thing, I'm not the worst, not with Jesus in my heart, and God at the helm--I've got a pretty good crew with me.  So, I may not feel like I'm acing this, I'm keeping afloat, and today, that's good enough...

The Blue Folder...

It was love at first sight with these two

I think all of us working mommies need to go on strike. 

 

We need to all quit our jobs and demand that we have earned the privilege to stay home and raise these children that we have carried around in our bodies for nine months (not to mention the delivery process ;)).  They deserve it, we deserve it--and time just goes by way too damn fast!  We don't, and they don't, ever get that time back.  It seems the most time we are able to spend with them it those nine months they are attached to us, then a short "maternity leave", and then they are out in the world, being tossed about by various people who we love and trust to help us raise the most precious beings in the world to us.  So precarious a scenario, so sad in some ways, unfair in others, but life as most of us know it...
The cause of this emotional tirade?  A rather benign looking little blue folder that came home in Griffyn's preschool backpack yesterday with an innocent white label that read "Kindergarten Registration" with his full name and our address--all official and officey looking.  I resigned myself to NOT become a puddle on the floor.  I opened it up, and the OCD in me was first struck by the amazing impressiveness of the awesome organization--one side labeled "information to keep" and the other "paperwork to fill out and return"--just going to go with that feeling and channel those thoughts... 
Then I started going through the paperwork.  One of the pamphlets read "Childhood is not a race; it's a journey!"--and it was over.  Darn it!  Tears.  What a fabulous quote--I just love our school system--can't say that enough of Carlisle.  But how many times do I feel like it IS a race?  Like we don't have time to slow down and discover, meander, just get dirty and messy (and of course get cleaned up afterwards ;)) and slowly have fun with no goal or objective in mind, wild and crazy, let the wild rumpus start fun?  Because there are things like schedules and homework and practices and games and the need for this thing called sleep and bedtimes after all of that is over and done--all very essential and major parts of life and learning--yes, but everything has seemed to have gotten a bit excessive lately--or maybe it's our occupations that are just so much more stressful and time consuming--they don't stop at "the office" by any means--or that our schedules barely leave room for shoving a granola bar down the boy's throat for "dinner" anymore.  I just feel like I blinked, and my baby is almost five.  And that makes me very, very sad. 
When Griffyn was a baby, our lives we pretty chaotic.  Our home was up for sale and we were going through hell with the Des Moines school systems.  I have never encountered such disrespect or complete thoughtlessness or disorganization from a group of adults that were supposed to be in charge of my child's education.  I was fighting the board with letters, phone calls (John Narcisse was the only board member who ever returned any of my phone calls or letters and he was attempting to get this nine month preggers mom to be on the radio with Steve Deace).  It was ridiculous at best. We had a great team; our pediatrician, Carlisle's Superintendent, each other--it wasn't enough. We were told we had to get a lawyer and they would only meet with us from 9 to 5 and not during lunch hours.  I have saved the files and files of correspondence just for fun (and to remind myself that "yes, that really happened.")
Then, Griffyn was born.  We were showing our home often--which meant keeping a house spotless all while working an already exhausting job with a new baby and four year old, getting a phone call from our Realtor and having to get the house cleaned up and finding somewhere to go (thank you, Susie) and packed up within half and hour with a baby--doing this for months--then finally selling, packing, moving--with two little ones--and living in an apartment till we found our home in Carlisle (not to mention all the confusing bank/loan/paperwork).  When we moved to our new home, Griffyn was almost 11 months old.  I do not honestly remember much of the first year of his life.  This also makes me sad.  Probably does not help that I did not sleep for most of it -- which hasn't changed much ;).  I feel like he got short changed somewhat--his "firsts" perhaps weren't as momentous (the kid learned to walk at 9 months!) and his life seemed to be in a state of perpetual frenzy...  Maybe that's why he's such an ornery little guy and not much phases him--he'll roll with anything :).


Griffyn's first outing--the Science Center

My "blueberry eyes" as nicknamed by his uncle Harold--Griffy boy

My Max Kinnick Mitchell

So as I read through his 'Kindergarten Supply List', and 'Preparing For Kindergarten' sheets (listening is important?  respect and manners are too?  following simple directions? all necessary skills? :)  hmmmmmmmmm, how long have I been saying this in our preschool classrooms ;)?) and tried to keep it together, I reminded myself again to cherish the hours and days and not worry about what comes next...  to live in the moment...  what ever that moment may be... 

and that someday, one day, we will have forever and eternity to enjoy together...  no schedules, just streets paved in gold and absolute perfection and bliss, pure heaven, in heaven...  and how incredibly awesome will that be?  so until then, no strike (there are bills to pay, after all ;)) and this momma and her boys will just keep plugging away at this life thing and keep loving and living the best way we know how...

Griffyn and Max have always both LOVED horses.  Griffyn in his horsey Jumparoo and Max with one of his MANY horses he had when he was a little tike--they have since multiplied and taken over the house...

love to you all!  and many blessings to you in all the big and little moments that make this life truly beautiful!

Max used to love to take naps on my tummy when I was pregnant because he could feel Griffyn moving around inside.  He would "hold Griffyn's hand" (which I was more often convinced was his foot) and fall asleep after singing him a song or telling him a story about all the things they would do together when he was born.  This is one of my favorite memories of being pregnant (one of the very few--as it wasn't my all time favorite experience either time :))

 

 

 

These are the days...

"Making the decision to have a child--it's momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."  Elizabeth Sone (20th Century) American journalist and author

Griffyn's preschool and craft corner--where my OCD has to take a break--because this area is always a mess ;)--but 'mess' inspires creativity and creativity inspires freedom and self expression and we could all use a little more of that! :)

Yesterday was President's Day, and while my place of work was up and running and my husband had a teacher's in service day, the boys did not have school.  Thankfully, I had enough PTO to cover a day off (darn stuff does just not accrue fast enough, does it?), so I enjoyed a blissful mommy day with my boys.  I can not tell you how good it felt.  No practices, no games, no schedule of any kind--just free US time!  It was pure heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I had been looking forward to this day for weeks and weeks.  We all needed it so very badly!  Just to be able to look at their faces and talk to them for more than five seconds, hug them, hold them, listen to them, really hear them--without rushing from here to there and herding them like cattle from one thing to the next--hurry, hurry, hurry!  We could fully ENJOY our time with no regard or worry for what was to come next.  Pure bliss!!!
We all slept in.  No rush or jamming of breakfast down our throats to get into the car on time or "mommy I'm too tired" or "I weally don't fink I dot enuff seep" or fights with Griffyn because it was a bus day and not a mommy pick up day.  We lounged around in our pj's, did yoga together and talked about what we wanted to do with our open day--besides snuggle and relax on the couch, of course :).  We had a neighbor call and ask if Max wanted to play.  He shook his head no.  I don't know about you, but I so seldom get alone time with my kids, and when we do, we really and truly enjoy spending it together--we covet that time and cherish that time.  We kind of really love each other and are best friends too--oh trust me--they so get that we are their parents :)--but fostering and developing that unique relationship is so important and my kids still want to and I know that will not always be the case--so as long as it is--this mommy is all over it. 
The boys decided they wanted to go out for lunch--Fazolies--it had been awhile since we had graced that establishment.  Max loved that place when he was Griffyn's age and we ate there all the time.  Carbs sounded good to this mommy :).  G discovered something fabulous--bow tie pasta--and yes, I let him play with his food :).  They both must have been in a crafty mood as well because they both wanted to trek the isles of Hobby Lobby afterwards and have a "craft day" too.  Sounded perfect to me, so after we got our zen on, we got our noodle on, then headed to pick out some crafts at Hobby Lobby.  They each got to pick out two reasonably priced choices--which to anyone who has ever been to HL--can be daunting for a ten and four year old--there are "dust so many toices!!!".  We were there for almost two hours--and minds were changed many times--and my patience was tried about as often ;).

so many fun activities to do!  G did a little here, and a little there, and a little everywhere

My Max decided he wanted to do a peaceful beach creation--the large Mason jar we thought would work didn't (the shells we bought with the colored sand just sank instead of the layering effect we had pictured--but we found a plastic box in the garage that worked perfectly for his serene Hawkeye beach escape--alas, they did not have black sand we could layer with the yellow and Max did not think that hot pink was an option ;))

It started to snow--big chunky flakes "dat dot in my eyes, momma, so we betta det home", so we headed on back.  I could not believe how late it was at this point.  We had the Carlisle game to get to in Norwalk that night as well (and so many crafts to do :)), so hurry we must!  It was so cold!  We got home and the boys immediately set to work creating their masterpieces.  G didn't know what to do first, so he did a bit of this and that every two seconds.  The idea we had for Max's didn't quite work out, so we ended up with an extra Mason jar (which we can always use), but were able to find some thing in the garage that ended up working just fine.  Daddy came home, and it was off to Norwalk to cheer on our favorite team--the Carlisle Wildcats!!!  So proud of our boys!!!!

Max was so excited to get started, he couldn't wait to take his coat or hat off (that and he was so cold :)).  We made such a big mess, but had so much fun!  I LOVE these days! (ps:  four year olds and sand art are NOT a good combination, however, and I am STILL cleaning sand off of my hard wood floors ;) -- all worth it, however :))

Looking at my boys on the bleachers at the game that night, I almost cried (and it wasn't just because of Norwalk's pathetic sportsmanship).  It had been such an awesome day, and just like every year of their blessed lives, it had gone by way too fast.  I just love them so much, and I just wish we could have more days like this.  But, I was so thankful for this one.  So very, very, very thankful.  A moment to pause, to just "be" with them, to really, really ENJOY them.  It was just pure awesome.  THIS is what I love about being a mommy--being able to actually have time to be one...
Now G is home with me this morning with his asthma.  He's had the cold and runny nose deal for some time now.  We're on breathing treatments again.  Nebbies are back!  We've managed to avoid them for a bit, and this darn fluctuation in weather is not helping!  50 degrees to below zero.  Not great for asthma lungs! (or for any one's, I'd venture to guess--but hard on those of us with breathing issues especially!)

 
So one kind of treatment deserves another! :)

Griff and I made chocolate, peanut butter and marshmallow cheerio bars this morning.  Just seemed like the day required them.  He's snuggling with his blankets and the not quite as cuddly one eyed monster he made yesterday.  What ever makes him happy and less miserable works for me! :)

This thankful heart must start some laundry.  The darn laundry fairy hasn't visited our home in years.  I think she forgot our address again :)  Thankful to have all these beautiful boys to dirty clothes for me to wash and put away :).  God's blessing and love to you all and there is just so much joy in the simplest of things when we can truly take the time to breathe in and savor those moments of blessing.  May God help us all to somehow find a way to slow down, even in our crazy and busiest of times, to catch a moment of this joy -- and hold onto it in our hearts -- with thankfulness and praise --as we continue to run this race that is life.

Much love and blessing to you all!