Another Busy Day

No time to run, well, on the bike path anyway...  Spent most of our day running here and there and everywhere...  It was definitely a gorgeous day to do so...

Now waiting for the laundry to get done so I can take the dry clothes out and put the wet ones in and then hopefully get to sleep.  The boys are FINALLY sleeping--all three of them.  After our busy day, Max started running a fever over 103 this evening.  He was helping me plant flowers and looked so white and was shaking.  He didn't want to tell me he didn't feel good because we had s'mores and bonfire plans with friends.  Took him inside, and sure enough--he's got this crud too.  Marty was already a shivery mess on the couch and not feeling well himself.  Got the ibuprofen started and he ate some jello and drank some juice.  Our amazing friend, Jen, brought over some s'mores so the boys didn't feel like they were missing out.  Thank you, Jen.  You made their night!  We love you! :)

Max had a dental appointment at 11 a.m. (what was I thinking scheduling a dental appointment on all school pic nic and music program day?  No place to park to pick up my child!).  The most stressful part is taking G along on all of our errands.  Griff is on his own time and in his own fabulous world of discovery in which all sticks, flowers, bugs, or creatures of any kind MUST be explored, touched, picked, caught, and slightly tortured.  Ahhhhhh!  After a day of this, I want to pull out my hair--what's left of it.  Let's just say, there's a plethora of treasures to be discovered at his level...

Dr. Jenny had good news for us (we love you, Dental Professionals!).  Max has a tooth growing out of his gum line while the baby tooth below seems to want to stay put.  With some twisting and gentle tugging, she thinks it will be out by the end of June then the tooth that is growing in will come down.  She used much more technical terms, of course, this was just my take away. :)  If it doesn't come out, she can pull it out at that time and it's an easy process that takes about ten minutes.  However, nothing is ever easy for the Mitchell's ;)--those of you who know us feel free to smile and nod knowingly :)...

G and I dropped Max back off at school, ran back home to pack up our pic nic lunch with special sandwich orders of plain peanut butter for Marty, peanut butter and jelly for Max, and turkey and cheese (as always) for Griff--a few cookies, crackers, juice boxes, lots of napkins and wet wipes and we're good to go.  Grabbed our pic nic blanket and a monster diet coke for me (yes, back on the pop wagon--but only occasionally), and back to school.  Found some shade and found our Max and Daddy was able to join us a bit later.  Such a beautiful day for a good ole fashion pic nic!  Max had fun playing football after lunch with his friends.  Then, it was off to the high school auditorium to hear Max's music concert!

Max's class did a musical, as he called it, about eating healthy and getting exercise.  There were songs about keeping F I T--fit! and eating rainbows.  Max played a boy named Joe and got to talk a lot and did a great job.  I would have completely froze if I had to do that at his age.  So proud of you, Max!!!  You were amazing!  Also got to meet his girlfriend for the first time.  He came clean to Mom and Dad about her last night.  We had heard rumors, but he had denied them.  For some reason, he thought we'd be mad.  It was a great opportunity to remind Max that he should always tell the truth and that he can talk to us about absolutely everything--even girls ;).  The third grade class did such a fantastic job, and it's hard to believe this is Max's last year in this building!  Time has truly gone by too fast.  I was teary by the end of the program.  Great job, third graders!!!  You guys ROCKED it!!! :)

The boys have been dying to meet their buddy's Chance and G's new puppy, so Jen graciously let us come on over and play with the newest member of their family~Mr. Bentley.  He is the most darling little guy and the boys loved him.  He was very gentle and had a face that just melted my heart.  No, no, no...  We are NOT getting a puppy.  But darn it, if we didn't have all these allergies, it sure would be fun.  We'll just play with Bentley :). 

Marty passed out as soon as he got home.  Decided to get the planters filled with the boys while daddy was resting.  Max and I got that all done while Griff managed to get almost every single toy we have out of the garage and play with it for one minute :).  That's just how he roles.  Max was really trying to hide that he wasn't feeling well so we could go to the bonfire, but he wasn't able to do so any longer.  Inside the house he was a mess of pain.  Griff made the most of this, little stink pot.  Max was very mad at Griffyn and blamed him for giving him all of his germs.  Not much fun for anyone, really, but got G in the tub and Max somewhat comfortable--mostly by removing Griff from his proximity ;).  Jen called later and Max felt better when he heard the bonfire was off due to wind and cold anyway, and then even better when a knock on the door was a plate full of s'mores :). 

Not sure where I'm sleeping tonight as the boys are all over the place in our bedroom.  After G got out of the bathtub he was immediately asleep--maybe all that running around today really did wear him out.  Max has a buddy's birthday party tomorrow and is all worried about missing that--so we'll see how that goes.  Maybe a good night's sleep will be a magic cure?  Crossing fingers, but want to make sure I don't expose anyone else to this junk so I'm sure there will be lots of tears as Max will have to stay home :(.  Sorry, big guy!

Also thinking of my baby sister, Molly, as she graduates tonight from the University of those Golden Gophers in my home state of Minnesota.  Mom, Homer, and Jen left this morning.  Wish I could be there, Molly, but know we are so very PROUD of you and thinking of you on this night that is ALL YOURS!!!  CONGRATS, and we love ya!!!  Now, go on and take on the world!!! 

Wishing you all sweet dreams and bright tomorrows.  Hoping to get a chance to find some solitude on the bike path tomorrow.  So few and far between these days.  Always something going on, isn't there?  But such a blessing to be able to be a part of it all!!!

Peace and love and happy weekend!!!

Another Year Gone By...

Coming down from a big weekend.  My youngest turned four and I turned 36.  His one year is affecting me more emotionally than mine :).  The years have never really bothered me per say, it's the feeling them that's starting to bother me ;).  But G has definitely gotten too big, too fast.  Maybe it's hitting me even harder knowing he is my last "baby".  The days are long, the years are short it seems...

He had a fabulous Lego Star Wars birthday party.  The Lego cake took me well into the midnight hour the night before, but the smile that lit up his face when he saw it made it ALL worth it :).  Some stress involved always when you have a mix of kids and family like that, but he had fun and we were able to have some relaxing down time and soak it all up at the end of the evening with just Tay (our adopted little sis :)) and the boys and I snuggling and watching "Dora".  These moments go by too fast.  They need to be savored, and I will never apologize for that.  "These are the days," as Natalie Merchant sings...  We don't get these moments back~not ever.  We might do things a little differently next year.  This day is about what makes my kid happy and about my family.  That should be able to be respected and adhered to for a few hours, right? ;)

Griff has a very special friend that he adores and she made the day for him.  We were blessed to have some Taylor time.  It's so adorable to watch how, at such a young age, they know each other so well and are just there for each other.  I don't know any other duo of friends at this age that can spend all day together with out fighting or having any 'issues' at all.  If they have a disagreement, they work it out till they're both happy.  These two just make my heart smile.  May we always have friends as true as this! :)

We had our "real" birthday celebration (the actual day :)) together yesterday and went out to eat and Grandma and Aunt Jen brought us both a cake.  We played outside and were both just feeling very tired and worn out.  G ended up rocking a raging fever (over 103) around ten.  He had his well child check up today and shots are rescheduled.  All his forms are filled out for daycare and preschool, eye exam, all that good stuff.  He has coxsauki and is miserable (just like hand, foot, and mouth--but all in his throat--very painful stuff).  Hasn't eaten anything all day--even turned down ice cream and a shake from McDonald's.  Fighting with him to drink.  Won't touch his Popsicle, but he's entertaining the idea of eating some jello--shaped like a Lego :).  Started running a fever myself today and just feel achy and like I have the flu.  Hoping to make it through the ten hour work day tomorrow.  :(  By God's strength, I can! :)

So thankful for so many blessings and another year God has given me to experience them.  Trying to find the proper balance between expression and letting things roll.  Sometimes I just wish we had the choice to shut the door and not let the yuckiness of life in--but ya gotta deal with it and the fact of the matter is, some of it is just not ever going to change (and that's the most frustrating part)--so you have to grin and bear it and protect your soul.  Always protect your soul.  I don't want to let it embitter me or change me.  And I have to remind myself that although I may not have the choice of avoidance, I DO have a voice and even if it is not respected, listened to, understood, or even regarded, I can use it to demand, to protect, to create this life I want for me and for my family.  I'm not afraid anymore.  Moreover, I feel like I am 'enough' of a person to deserve it (and my children most certainly are).  I also have to trust that God's got this.  He is far greater than anything or anyone.  My eyes are fixed on him...
 
If nothing else, this weekend has inspired me to keep on keeping on.  There is such a lack of kindness and respect in this world, and if our kids don't even get it--we're in a sorry state of affairs.  They mirror what they SEE, not just what we SAY.  My kids know that they aren't any better than anyone else.  We are all pretty awesome creations of the divine and deserve to be treated as such.  "Stupid" is still a put down and a bad word at our house--as well as calling someone a "baby" because they like something different.  Uniqueness is prized, not put down.  Since when has the "status quo" ever gotten us anywhere...

And, I don't mind loud and crazy.  I am the oldest of five children.  I've been babysitting and nannying since I was in sixth grade.  I have a 4 and 9 year old.  I've worked with kids and taught preschool for the past eleven years. I completely get that kids will be both :).  I've had a little experience in the field of motherhood and teaching.  ;)  But I do NOT tolerate disrespect towards me or my children.  That is not what being a kid is about or what being a boy is about, for that matter, and isn't something anyone should get used to.  I find this to be absolutely insulting to our children--we need higher expectations--we need to model this behavior--they deserve better, they deserve more...  I have always said and firmly believe that our children become what we expect of them.  I expect more...

Moreover, it is possible.  Very possible.  My boys can.  We have a house full of the kid's friends constantly as we are blessed to live in a neighborhood full of childen (mostly boys) and I love it!!! :)  And guess what?   THEY can :).  My classroom is full of kids that can.  That's 24 four and five year olds, folks.  So that excuse doesn't work for me--and is even more insulting when it is associated with being a boy.  My boys aren't held to any lower standards than I hold girls.  Again, I'll plug the book "Real Boys".  This world would be in a lot better shape if we as educators and parents all read it :).
 
I've been on this rant before, and so I will stop.  You've been down this road with me :).  It's all in how we treat each other, isn't it?  More Tylenol for me and hopefully some sleep.  So much festering that a scream may be warranted as well (although that would hurt my throat ;)). 
Love my boys, love being their momma, and so grateful for the chance and the honor of this journey.  That we get to celebrate birthdays, learn lessons, and just find out who we are (as my friend Robin says, "to just be" :)) together.  Held together by the hands of God--guiding us all the way. 

And I am encouraged by the little lights (getting bigger every year) that my boys are to this world and that they will continue to be.  That's God shining through.  And although I will continue to mess up and make mistakes for the rest of my and their lives, I know that because they know and have Him (G is still trying to understand the Holy Spirit living in his heart thing--and loves talking about the "ghost" inside his heart ;)) they truly have everything they need. 

Love and peace, and many happy, happy birthdays to you all!  Goodnight...

Grandma and Grandpa Mitchell and cousins (we missed Sierra, Zach, Benji and Sydney)

Grandma Soyer and Grandpa Hill

Finally some rest time... :)

Let them eat cake...

My youngest is turning (gulp) four...  baby no more.  His latest craze is all things Lego's, and more over, Star Wars Lego's~so we are having a Star Wars Lego themed birthday party with family and his special girlfriend (whom he told me he "tan't wait to show to Damma and Dampa!"~oh my! ;)). 

I really enjoy making my boys' cakes for their birthday.  A labor of love, and sometimes a wee bit stressfull :).  I had ordered a silicon Lego baking pan from Amazon and paid entirely to much for it as it is a discontinued and "rare" product made years ago.  It was made up of six Lego bricks and I was very excited, only to find it to be very, very small upon arrival.  Did a practice run of it today.  Went all right.  Took a long time to bake. I was worried the nubs wouldn't come out--a few came out less than perfect circles~which isn't going over well for this OCD momma :).  Again, size is an issue.  More like six cupcakes and the four little "nubs" on top of the small bricks will be ever so much fun to frost.  So, back to the proverbial drawing board.  Not scrapping it entirely, just ready for a new idea...

While browsing some blogs, I found something that may just work.  A mom created a Lego brick using a pound cake recipe in a loaf pan (as it is more "durable") and turned it into a Lego brick by halving marshmallows and frosting.  I had forgotten how much I love pound cake and thought I'd give it a try.  I could always put the little cupcake like Lego's around it.  I went to my old stand by of all things yummy, my Better Homes and Gardens red and white gingham cook book--sticky and battered from 11 years of use :).  I hadn't made pound cake in ages--many, many years ago for my girl friend, Sara's, birthday.  It is rather time consuming, but so delicious!

Sour Cream Pound Cake
Prep:  30 minutes       Bake:  1 hour or more     Cool:  2 hours       Oven:  325 degrees

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup butter
• 3 eggs
• 1/2 cup dairy sour cream (I use vanilla yogurt)
• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/8 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 cup sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla
• (I also add almond flavoring to taste to mine--about 1 tsp or a bit more)

1.  Allow butter, eggs, and sour cream to stand at room temp. (30 minutes).  Grease and lightly flour an 8x4x2 inch or 9x5x3 inch loaf pan.  Combine flour, baking powder, and baking soda.  Set aside.
2.  In a mixing bowl (here is where I am so grateful for my standing kitchen aid mixer we got as a wedding gift from Marty's grandparents) beat butter with an electric mixer on high for 30 seconds.  Gradually add sugar, beating 10 minutes or till very light and fluffy (it takes ten minutes, don't fudge on this :)).  It should look like something like this...

Beat in vanilla.  Add eggs, one at a time, beating one minute after each addition and scraping the bowl frequently.  Sorry for the shadows--dark and rainy day outside today--but perfect for baking :).

Add dry mixture and sour cream (in my case, vanilla yogurt) alternately to beaten mixture, beating on low to medium speed after each addition just till combined. 

Pour into prepared pan.

3.  Bake in a 325 degree oven for 60 to 75 minutes or till a wooden toothpick comes out clean.  Cool on a wire rack for 10 minutes.  Remove from pan; cool.

Now to make it into a Lego.  This blogger cut marshmallow in half and placed them on top of the pound cake she made and frosted them accordingly.  She did an amazing job.  I hope G's turns out as fabulous.  All of the other Lego cakes I found required rolled fondant.  I do not do rolled fondant.  One failed experience in trying to make the stuff was enough for me--and I much prefer the taste of home made cream cheese frosting.

I hope G likes it :)  If nothing else, it will taste good.  I have to thank Celebrate Express for all the Star Wars Lego decorations and Pez Star Wars party favors and bouncy balls as I couldn't find much in the realm of Lego Star Wars--lots of Star Wars--but we need the Lego variety.  Can't believe my little guy is going to be four.  Seems impossible!  Happy birthday cake making, momma's.  Keep putting your ideas out there!!! 

Love and peace (and frosting :))!

Are we there yet?

Nothing insightful, deep, or particularly meaningful today.  I'm just really tired and completely spent, as most of us are at the end of the week.  My day began yesterday at 4:30 a.m. and I didn't get home till a quarter till nine p.m.  Not enough sleep again last night, and a busy day of errands and getting laundry done and ready for yet another baseball game tonight~but happy that it was not a ten hour work day :).  Attempted to work out on the treadmill while G watched "Smurfs" to spark my energy, as that sometimes helps, but feeling very dizzy and faintish (probably not a word) today and had to stop after 20 minutes.  Not sure what's going on--most likely a lack of sleep.
Feel like I'm always rushing and running but never able to "stop" at a destination.  Running and rushing but never "there".  Because once I am there, there is always somewhere else to go.  Maybe that's the definition of parenthood these days...
Saw this photo and couldn't help but laugh.  It quite honestly made my day.  Anything that makes ME laugh is worth brief mention--just a reference to how tightly wound I am and not an allusion to a superb sense of humor ;).  Maybe this is what I need to give me the kick in the butt I am so lacking--since exercise and all the caffeine and sugar in the world don't seem to be working ;)...
While talking to my doctor this last Tuesday, I had an extensive amount of paperwork to fill out.  One of the things to mark off was if you experienced extreme fatigue on a daily basis (and yes, my thyroid has been checked several times ;))--and I said yes, but it's only because I don't get sleep ;).  The paradox that gets us all.  Sleep matters so much, as my doc said, and can mess with so many things--or the lack there of.  But how on earth do we realistically get it?  In this life, the times we live in, this day and age--it seems nearly impossible.  As possible as finding a parking spot near the building where I work ;)...
I miss simpler times.  Not necessarily the time before kids, just SIMPLER times.  Times of just coming home and having nothing else to do but be together.  I miss that.  I think THAT is gone for awhile now.  But, as my husband reminds me, we just have to enjoy the times we are together the best we can--even if those times of "togetherness" are spent running around... (sometimes pretending we are being chased by dinosaurs to occupy G's time at Max's plethora of baseball practices ;)).  Happy running!

The littlest angel wings...

Chase and Easton Van Egdom

Three years ago tomorrow, on April 19th, the world lost a little baby and heaven gained a little angel in Easton James Van Egdom.  His twin brother, Chase, and big five year old brother, Enoch miss him lots~as well as his amazing mommy and daddy.  Our hearts, our prayers, and our thoughts go out to their family ten fold on this day.  We love you all so very much...

I will always remember that day as I have never had a phone call that has literally made me drop to my knees.  I knew baby Easton was in the hospital, but had talked to Stace and he seemed to be doing okay.   The poor little guy had had so many ups and downs and ups again--his tiny body was used to struggling and fighting and getting back up again.  This time he just couldn't do it, and Jesus called him home.  A short time on this earth, but one that left a gigantic whole in his family's life that will be felt forever~until they are all reunited in heaven one day. 

I picked up the phone to talk to Lindsey while folding laundry on our bed just like any other time.  Catching up on our lives, talking about work, the boys...  I was not expecting the horrible news she would tell me.  Stunned and sad does not even begin to describe it.  Falling to the ground, I couldn't stop crying.

Heartbreak, utter and complete heart break for this momma who had been through so much, soldiered through the feeding tubes, the medicines, the countless trips to the doctor--with a smile on her face and hope in her heart and a strength that deserved nothing less than complete admiration.  And I remembered holding him--so fragile to me with all those tubes--and Stacy reassuring me that I would not yank them out, and if I did, it would really be okay.  This tiny little human being--just gone.   And through tears I went and I hugged my boys and we prayed.  Our family prayed for this family.  Because what else could we do?

And we continue to pray for this courageous family.  I can only imagine the deep hurt and pain that such an immense loss would cause, and I have no doubt that it will never go away.  Even though we know through God's mercy and grace that heaven is now Easton's home, it still hurts like hell that he's not here.

And sometimes I catch myself thinking about the reunion this family will have one day.  Brothers finding brother, mom and dad--a family reuniting souls--and I smile.  What complete joy!  But for now, I firmly believe that Easton is keeping watch over his bro's on earth (and Chase needs all the extra watching he can get) and his mommy and daddy as well.  He is happier than we could ever imagine to be and in the greatest of places (even better than Disney World) ever unknown to man :). And we continue to "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." as Psalm 31:24 says and although we may not understand why, we pray for peace for the Van Egdom family, and for blessings beyond their wildest dreams...    

Busy, busy bees...

"Kiss your children goodnight, even if they are already asleep."  H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Marty has yet another track meet tonight.  Brrrrrr!  Poor kids (and husband)!  He had one last night too.  He also worked Cross Mark and track, baseball practices, pictures, and meetings have pretty much given us a solid ten minutes of conversation this week.  Good thing we caught up this past Sunday from 11p.m. to midnight :).  I miss my husband...  I guess that can be seen as a positive thing :)...
Life is ridiculously crazy.  I know it's like that for most of us.  Now with G starting his first stint at organized sports, I know it will be even crazier--but also that this will be an "easy" year compared to when Griff starts little league next year.  If only we didn't have to work and pay bills, clean our homes, do laundry, cook, make sure our kids our clean, get their homework done...  all that good stuff--maybe we'd have some "free" time.  That's why I don't sleep ;). 
Having some tea (my favorite black vanilla bean), enjoying listening to the sounds of Max and Griffyn playing hoop shoot upstairs, and frozen (yes, tres gourmet) pizzas are in the oven.  I always feel a little better when I put extra Kraft cheese and some veggies on them--if you put LOTS of Kraft shredded cheddar on top of the veggies, they can't see them ;).  Makes me feel like they are a little more "home made" and a smidgen more healthy :).  Dryer is going, and Max set the table (complete with his "fancy" triangle version of folded napkin).  We just need Daddy (who is freezing out in this cold, wet, dreary weather with over 70 junior high kids--sounds like good times to me ;)). He'll be back too late again tonight for hugs and kisses and prayers.  Max always prays for Daddy to come home safely--and Griff always prays that "dey wonned". :) 
Talking to my girl friends yesterday at work, we were all commiserating on our lack of sleep and crazy schedules.  Everyone is just plain out spent.  I feel like we are always rushing from one thing to the next--then hurrying to get food shoved in the boy's mouths before practices/games, baths, tie up loose ends for the next day, and hurrying the kids to bed.  If we took our time and went at a relaxing pace, the Mitchell boy's bedtime would be somewhere around 11 p.m.  The boys need their sleep too.  So we rush and rush and rush then demand their bodies relax and drift off to sleep~no short of NOW!  Weird that it doesn't work ;)...
Griff loves to be sung to sleep.  After each song he says, "Anudder one, mommy", till he drifts of to sleep and all I hear is breathing.  He want me to lay with him and hold him during these mini performances for one.  Last night, I had time for three and felt so terrible.  'Hurry up and fall asleep, will ya?', was all I was thinking.  Nice and relaxing for a three year old after his busy day, right?  'Mommy has to get stuff done!', my mind was screaming inside.  Took a few deep breaths and reminded myself that these "sing me to sleep, Mommy" days will be over soon...  So I sang some more, till he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer...
We will never have enough time.  Just gotta face that.  I won't be getting sleep for awhile.  Just not in the cards right now.  My ten hour work days leave little left for the boys--and the list of things that have to be done after school take up the few hours that are left of my day.  I am very thankful to have two days (I get my 30 hours done in three days) a week with G where we can just be together--amidst keeping the house dusted, vacuumed, and the bathrooms cleaned :).  There's always laundry.  That's just a given :).  And I know how blessed I am.  My "off" days have been spent with sick kids these past few months, so I'm looking forward to some sunshiny, play outside all day and get all dirty, bike path adventure, and long pool days soon.  Most of the time, I'm so tired from the work days before, that I'm not the resounding ball of energy I want to be, but we push ahead.  Sunshine always helps... 
I try to be as organized as possible to "save" time, but inevitably something is forgotten or left out.  Our calender is a scribbled, marked up mess--it started out being color coded, but forget about it.  If I don't write it down NOW, I'll forget--and the correct color of pen isn't always readily available.  Sometimes I wish for easier days, more relaxed and unscheduled days and weekends and I worry about Max.  Is two baseball teams too much?  I remember running around all day in bare feet catching grasshoppers, making dandelion "butter" on my skin, and swinging on the swing set at our apartment complex till I thought I'd puke--no schedule, no hurry up, no do this now so we can rush and do this...  I want that for my kids.  But, it's a whole different world now.  Children become little multi tasking "mini" adults far too fast.  I think we tend to forget just how "little" they really are...  And this childhood thing?  They only get it once.  They have the rest of their lives to be over extended, busy, stressed out, and frazzled adults, right?  I mentally battle this and just keep telling myself--"as long as he's having fun"...
So, I get what I can from these fast and furious moments and snuggle, hug, and kiss them up as much as possible.  Pretty soon they'll be two grown up boys walking around my house that really don't care to be sung to, for kisses, story time, or telling me about their day (in G's case, it's always who he played with and who was naughty to him--with Max it's usually how he did on a test and what games they played at recess).  This will all be a memory soon, and they won't need me nearly as much.  So I will ENJOY this never being able to catch my breath as much as possible :).
Max told me on the way home from school today that he and his friend, Liberty, are creating a book series together about a Wildcat with superpowers.  He is writing a few more books over the weekend and she will be finishing up the first two to complete "the series".  I love this.  I remember how much I loved to write when I was "little" (and still do) and it's so awesome that he is still into this (as he began "journaling" when he was four) and is now sharing and enriching that experience with a friend.  He then told me, "and mom, she said I HAVE to call her when I'm finished." :).  Nope, my third grader is STILL too young to be calling girls.  Sorry, Liberty.  This will have to strictly be a school activity ;).  And G is still spending his days traipsing around Colleen's with his friend, Taylor, and still arguing between the boys about who gets to marry her ;).  As I type this, I now realize that although the boys are heavily involved in sports and dirt--their lives seem to be becoming slowly infiltrated by girls.  Hmmmmmmm, I guess this is just a sign of things to come ;).  Not THAT is something I am truly not ready for!!!
Hold your little ones (even those big almost ten year olds :)) a little closer, snuggle a little longer, read a few more stories, and sing a few more songs...  Between the tired and the busy and the "I just want to pass out", enjoy--and enjoy some more.  I know I will really, really miss this some day. 

Maybe even all the crazy business...

Peace and love...

Free to fly...

Sometimes, I'm just going to say it~I just want to feel accepted. 

Yes, I'm almost 36 years old ;).  I've always been a nerd--in that worldly defined sense.  Never been good at sports.  Ever. Not once.  Except for archery in 8th grade.  I kicked butt in archery.  Not a widely recruited sport ;).  I love to read, and I love to write..  I love Jane Austen, old British films, and anything that takes place on the English Moore's or country side.  I'd rather cozy up with a good book, a comfy blanket, and a lovely cup of hot tea all by my lonesome in my "free time" then hit a bar any weekend night.  And I kind of like to use my brain in the realms of religion, philosophy, and the humanities in general.  I'm one of those weird people who thinks it's fun.  Unfortunately, after having children, this function has deteriorated to some extent.  My brain, or what's left of it, now sticks to the basic mechanics of maneuvering through work, various practices, meetings, appointments, getting dinner on the table, baths done, homework checked, laundry, general house cleaning duties and maintenance~~the regular stuff of life...

I've always felt like I didn't fit in.  Never felt comfortable in my skin.  Even in adulthood, I feel like that awkward junior high kid (and maybe that's because, sadly, much of the adult world is still run like junior high).  I've always strongly sensed and been aware of my "otherness"...

Those of you who know me well, know that I have struggled with depression and anxiety and OCD for most of my life.  I hate it, but accept it.  Why try to cover it up anymore?  Not worth the fight or wasted energy.  Every day is a battle, but one I sure as hell think is worth the fight.  These two precious boys of mine (three, counting my husband) deserve the very best of me.  God, constant prayer, therapy, and a few prescriptions help me get out of that dark whole that often evades my thoughts and fight the beast I believe depression is.  And it frustrates me that there is still such a stigma with mental illness--as if it's a choice or something you can just "snap out" of.  Despite Tom Cruise and some extreme right wing religious sects "findings", I believe that if there is something out there that can help you be a better you--why not use it?  Are we not worth that much~our futures our happiness?  Are our families not worth that much?  I have enough to fight "on my own".  And no pill is a magical cure.  Over half a life time of abuse doesn't evaporate into thin air.  Amazing how 'permanent' memories, words, trauma, and unhealthy life patterns can be.  Scars no one else can see.  It all still really sucks, pardon my language--even on medications, but I don't have to have panic attacks that incapacitate me, I can occasionally rest my mind and body without nightmares, and I can breathe and work on finding my body's freedom from the prison my mind can become.  Not all of us have the luxury of "finding ourselves" on trips to to far away places of zen and solitude (why I dislike "eat, pray, love" so very much--most of us have that battle to fight right here and right now--but a really great Eddie Vedder song came out of the movie :)).  We have to show up to our jobs, take care of our children, run a household--we can't just run away to find ourselves and heal.  We have to live.  No pill makes things "easy".  They just make it a better possibility that you will get out of bed in the morning and take on that day of yours.  The rest is all up to you (with a giant, heaping helping of God's mercy and a side of grace :)).

One of the hardest things for me to learn was that I don't have to make everyone happy.  I think after coming out of the childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood that I did--I had it so battered into my head that I was a worthless person--that I wanted so badly to just be liked--to be loved.  I was so scared of being rejected.  Relationships were very scary to me.  Honestly, they still are.  But I don't always have to say "yes" and I don't always have to agree.  I have learned to stand up for myself--because those people that really love you believe you are entitled to be just who you are.  Damn long time to figure that one out.  The other factor in that equation is the Lord.  He's kind of a part of everything, isn't He?  The most important "person" I have to please in my life is Him.  If I'm doing that, my compass is pointed in the right direction...

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."  Galatians 1:10

And then I ask myself, how can I, dysfunctional, messed up me, please the Almighty?  Seems rather daunting.  Dare I say, impossible.  But we know that nothing is impossible with God.  And not only that, God's power is displayed in our weakness!!!  Praise the Lord, as He knows I have enough of that :).  This verse from the Bible is the verse that gave me, what I call, my voice.  It made it okay to talk about where I'd been, what I'd been through, survived, and with God's grace--continually over come.  I wasn't ashamed anymore. 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.'"  2 Corinthians 12:9-10  

Completely awesome and amazing.  His grace is sufficient for me, and I am "sufficient" just as I am.  Just me, all of me, the way I was created.  So humbling, so beautiful, so life changing...

And we all are created so divinely different.  And yet I find this world so judgemental and harsh--especially for women--especially by women.  I understand that this may be some of my perception as my inadequacies seem to scream out for other people to discuss (in my mind, anyway, it stinks being shy as it can be interpreted as so many other things), but at the same time, I know and understand that other women feel it too.  And I want to scream, "Can't we just BE NICE??!!??!!??"--because it really doesn't seem that hard to me--to accept, to love, to appreciate these differences.  Who cares what brand of clothes you're wearing, how much or little money you have, how much you weigh, what your profession is, who you know, who you don't know, what "club" you're in--it is who WE ARE--in front of and behind closed doors.  Being "grown up" sometimes doesn't feel so very grown up.  And maybe that's why I love working with and teaching kids so much--despite the dwindling of respect that seems to increase with each and every new group of preschoolers we get--they have hearts of acceptance and they truly and deeply love you for that person you are.

Each year gets a little better in this skin.  I breathe easier.  I care less about the things I shouldn't and more about the things I should.  I am blown away by my blessings.  I am comfortable in who God made me to be--even if it will never be a gregarious, out going, put together person ;).  I am okay with that.  Who am I to argue with His craftsmanship?  And I have come to understand that everything we experience in this life, especially the really bad and crappy stuff, has a purpose--has a reason.  I have learned to let go of most of the anger and outrage and fists in the air of "why"?!? 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  Romans 8:28

There are always circumstances that send me back and bring all of those feelings and fears to leap upon and squeeze at my heart, but I am no longer suffocated by them.  I know God spared me for a reason.  I know that I am put on this earth to be His servant and, if nothing more or less, to shine His light.  I will never fit in, and I am also truly and absolutely okay with that.  This world is not my home.  I'm just passing through, doing the work the Lord has already planned and ordained for me to do.  My "otherness" is felt because my soul knows this--and this journey does not stop here.  Paul writes in Galatians 5:13, "You, my brothers, were called to be free."  FREE.  Yes, even me :). 

And I want my boys to feel this, to live this, to see this.  No matter what names people call you, how they decide to judge you--the only eyes that matter are God's.  And those eyes see us as creatures worth dying for, worth saving, worth loving with the greatest unconditional love imaginable.  If they learn or take anything away from this momma, it is my greatest hope that they know and feel this down to their very bones. 

"For he himself is our peace."  Ephesians 2:14

I know the past can never be undone, but I also have come to believe (and not just say), that it should not rob me of my future.  "But one thing I do~forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:7-9

For anyone struggling with invisible wounds, my heart and prayers go out to you.  It is not easy.  But nothing worth anything ever is.  And our lives are worth it.  I am often encouraged by this verse, which has always been a favorite of mine--I think of my friend, Janelle, as she read this verse at Marty and I's wedding--and I think to a fuller extent, I have come to realize it: 

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."  Ephesians 3:17-19. 

And that, my dear friends, is enough...