For when I am weak, then I am strong...

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline." 

2 Timothy 1:7

What an emotional roller coaster these past few months have been--not to mention the very missed presence of sleep to refuel.  Vacation, crammed into a few short days when we usually have a full week to relax and take in the sights (was great being able to sneak in some time to see my brother and his wife in Madison :)).  Iowa City visit for the boys, followed by Griffyn coming home with a 103 temp and a fever virus that lasted another week.  My sister and Harold came to visit in the midst of all of this, and I feel like we didn't get to see them much.  Marty's family also had a reunion of sorts with most of the family being from here.  In all this, I didn't have time to take time off of work, and those 30 hours a week in the middle of everything else were somewhat brutal.  I felt like I missed a lot of special time with my sister, made more difficult by the fact that she will not be able to make it back for Christmas this year.  Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed which leads me to feeling a bit moody, agitated, bitter, frustrated, and sad.  Lots of fun to be around :)!
And my baby is turning ten in a few weeks.  Getting his invites together and so proud of him for what he has chosen to do this year.  He doesn't want to draw attention to it and would rather keep it a secret, so I will honor his request.  White Sox themed baseball party and he wants to do a sleepover.  Gulp.  Grilling out, playing baseball, and I have secured a White Sox jersey pinata.  Then school starts.  Crazy how fast this summer has gone by.  Insanely crazy.  And how old am I that I will have ten year old soon?  Really?!?  My reflection in the mirror tells me that yes, this is possible, but it doesn't seem all that long ago we were watching "Thomas The Train" together and his favorite things were trains, bubbles, and butterflies...
And I find myself struggling and floundering a bit.  I love being a mom.  I love my job and I have the most amazing friends, despite the fact that we hardly ever get to see or talk to one another unless we work together, and I know my blessings are more than I deserve.  Yet sometimes I just feel so very alone in all of this hullabaloo of life--keeping my head above water--just trying to keep up at best.  It takes a lot of work for this momma just to maintain mediocrity. 
This weekend was a nice little respite.  We were HOME!  Yay!  Doesn't happen often.  No make up, wore nothing presentable, and started laundry (which sneakily multiplies if I miss but one day).  Read with Max for an hour, watched a movie with the boys (Julia Roberts version of "Snow White"--whimsically lovely), grilled out, organized the play room, worked on the grandparent's photo book for Christmas for hours on end, and organized some more.  Nice to be home and able to do those things. 
And in all this crazy the past few months, my migraines have become just ridiculous.  If I don't have a full on migraine, it's a constant headache--I go to bed with them and wake up with them.  Kind of getting used to it now.  But it doesn't help with my crabbiness.  I know that the lack of sleep isn't helping, but I feel like I could literally sleep for days and who has time for that?
The boys are doing well.  Although there are often big and little things that make me feel like an absolute failure as a mother, and I constantly pray that God will help me and give me the patience I need to be the mom my boys need--and both seem to need very different pieces from me.  I need to listen better, more, and dare I say, 'for real' (not just peppering the conversations with "uh hu" and "that's nice).  I need to be more present and in the moment for them.  I come home from a day of tattling, being disrespected by certain children and their parents, teaching, helping, giving--and sometimes I just want to sit down and shut down.  Not a choice, nor should it be.  They deserve my everything.  And God gives us the strength to do all things.  But there are times, frequently, that I fail and feel so terrible that the mere sound of my kid's voice drives me so batty and I say something stupid like, "Can you just not need something for five minutes please?" when all Max wants to do is talk to me about this really cool game or character, in great detail, that he invented today.  I want him to know that he can always come to me with anything--ANYTHING--because I know if I don't listen and be present now, he will come to me less and less.  Driving home (trying to keep my eyes open and stay in the right lane), I give myself the talk--I will make myself some tea, ask about their day, take a quick shower, and be ON.  Sometimes it happens, and sometimes I end up making dinner and we eat in the living room while watching TV.  How does every other mom do it so much better?

 
And marriage.  I love my husband.  I do.  But I tell ya, it's hard.  It's very hard.  You start out as these people, and you become these other people, and so many changes come along.  And yet some things don't change (despite thinking after we have this one baby this will be different--to surely after having TWO this will be different), so you have to adapt, change, grow, fall apart and build yourself up again--and it's all just quite exhausting--fighting to keep your identity while also trying to keep your spouse happy.  They say that life is a balancing act.  Marriage often feels like that tightrope, minus the safety net.  Hans Christian Anderson said that 'life is the greatest fairy tale'.  He failed to mention, however, all the blood, sweat and tears that go into that happily ever after. 

I never really imagined myself to be anywhere specifically in my late thirties--I was too busy just trying to survive to imagine my future in any intricate detail--so I haven't fallen short of any preconceived goals.  But I will be blatantly honest and say that I had imagined love to be different--I blame British movies ("A Room With A View") and Jane Austen novels.  And I'm not expecting anything over the top romantic brimming with roses and poetry...  I just want something stemming from respect -- for who I am and who I am really trying hard to be.  I want someone to look at me and say "wow, I'm really proud of you--you are one incredible person" over "you're pretty, you complete me, your eyes are mirrors to my soul" and all that other mushy none sense (although I'd take that too if it was said in sincerity ;)).  I don't want someone to come and constantly point out all my flaws and how I can and should change them.  Trust me, I am painfully aware, and I don't believe there is any quick fix to anything about me, as annoying as that is to many people.  I am a human being, completely fallible and totally aware of all my "messed up"-ness--I don't need that held over my head or used against me.  My thoughts and feelings are still valid weather you understand them or not.  And I don't even expect understanding at this point in my life.  Just respect.  Even if you "don't get it", love me enough to respect this is me and my situation right now.  I may look like a walking disaster, but I'm pretty damn proud of this person God has put through the fire and made new.  I've worked hard to be this "mess" you see before you--and will have to respectfully agree to disagree about who this person should be.  "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12:9 
And so much about the "toughness" of marriage isn't even about the two of you.  There's all kinds of other people and family that get involved--and as hard as you may try to put that aside in some way--it's there.  I try to remind myself that these persons don't mean to do what they do or may not even realize it, but after years and years and years and history repeating itself from one family to the next, it's hard to use that excuse.  At some point, a person should learn.  I don't want my children to be around toxic people and I would love to be able to avoid them altogether myself--if only it were that easy.  This kind of stress literally makes me sick.  It's that learned helplessness where you are trapped in the realization that nothing will ever change and that you can't reason with crazy or dishonesty--so no amount of talking will help.  And it makes me resentful that after all the crap I've had to deal with in my life time, I still have to eat crap and smile.  Yes, a very ungracious attitude on my part.  I grow tired of people not having to be held accountable for their words or actions and when faced with them denying them or spewing out more lies and excuses with a flood gate of tears.  There is no "winning" in this situation.  And I am constantly reminded by 1 Peter 3:8-9, "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing."  So I attempt to take this as a teachable moment (after moment after moment).  It takes its toll as my defences go up and I have to guard my heart and mind and protect what is dear to me--the ugliest person to me is the person who is only out for themselves and attention--no matter how they have to get it.  But God calls us to harmony, so the good fight must be fought (with breaks in between as you'd have to commit me--I am only human).  And after having your name smeared so many times and having so many lies said about you, this verse comes to mind, "For it is God's will that by doing good, you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men."  1 Peter 2:15.  Keep on keeping on, is what Peter is saying.  He is reminding us to never tire of doing good.  We do it for Him, we do it for Him...

Life would be so much easier if we could all just be kind, respectful, and think of others before ourselves.  But it's a selfish, manipulative and greedy world out there.  Trying to do your best in raising your kids, keeping close to God, and keeping your marriage grounded in faith and love is a daily task--daunting at times--but doable.  Trying to keep all the other muck and mire out of it is at times very essential--other times unavoidable, but that is when you put on that full armor of God and plug away for "There is no other god who can rescue like this!" Daniel 3:29. 
And I am encouraged by the truth that God knows we are not perfect--he knows us better than anyone--before we were even a breath on this earth, he knew us.  And it is for that imperfection that he sent his one and only son to die for us.  Who loves you more than that?!?  And I know that I want to live my life in a way that honor's that sacrifice and it is only by walking close to God that I can even begin to scratch the surface of what that means and all that entails.  And in the end, we all are held accountable.  Nothing is hidden from God.  This makes letting go of all the injustice I see a little easier.  I can take a deep breath, do what I can, and then just let go.  God's created the world, he can certainly handle this mess of life. 
"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13  I don't want my heart to harden by being overwhelmed with all the very tough stuff--so I will make a joyful noise unto the Lord, praise his name, life up my hands, and thank him for his blessings.  Put one foot in front of the other, hug my boys, tell my husband I love him, and continue fighting the good fight of faith--today and everyday, for as long as I live... 

Peace and love, friends...

Dizzy, dizzy girl...

Sitting in an absolutely still and quiet house.  This never happens.  Marty took the boys out for dinner.  I've been struggling with this horrible dizziness/vertigo and a sinus infection for a few weeks now.  Onto a new antibiotic as of yesterday, and hoping to feel like my "normal" self soon.  Please, dear God, please...
My house is in a shambles.  Toys everywhere.  And by everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE.  Griffyn has even left some of his Lego guys on the side of the bathtub--who has the time to put them down when you have to pee?!?  So, they get brought to the bathroom, and are promptly forgotten after hand washing.  My kitchen?  Goodness.  If the vertigo doesn't make me dizzy, the thought of putting everything in it's proper place when I can certainly does...
I always seem to get the weird things, and the things that hang on--that require not just one, but two rounds of antibiotic and several "wait and sees" and "if this doesn't work we'll see you again in ten days".  Who the heck wants to wait ten days?  That's me being impatient.  I have too much to do.  That's me being me...
I can barely stand up, let alone run or work out, so that's been curbed.  Which also stresses me out to no end.  It's my "me" time, my place to get my thoughts in order and to feel a sense of re-energization (yes, made up word) and renewal (a real one).  Gone.  Taking a shower is enough for me. 
Times like these, the Ipad is my bestest little bed buddy.  If all I can do is lie around, I might as well have some fun looking to see how the other healthy half lives on face book or scouring yummy recipe ideas or new craft projects for the boys and I on Pinterest.  Makes me feel like I'm doing something, at least.  Makes me feel like it anyway.  The illusion lasts for a few moments...
And Marty has been phenomenal.  I know how much energy my boys require, and even if the house is a tornado of toys and dishes, he has allowed me to rest and given me quiet.  That takes a lot of work and I am so grateful. 
And why is it that  I always get knocked off my feet in our busiest times?  I want to be mentally/emotionally present for a big night tomorrow night--saying goodbye to some great friends who are moving.  I missed their company being sick with this same junk last weekend and it just doesn't seem fair (and yes, I have cried over this!!!).  I hope to be able to go, sit up, and last for a few hours.  My sister and Harold are coming for a visit from Brooklyn in just a few short days and we begin our family vacation to Madison by the end of next week--plans with girlfriends and a fun party as soon as we get back from Wisconsin.  This all requires an immaculate house and baking.  Both of which require a certain amount of mental clarity and energy--neither of which I have at the moment.  And then there's my job--which I can not miss any of to get said family vacation.  It will happen...
This dizzy fog has made me very anxious, to say the least, and I hate not knowing what it is that is "wrong with me".  The older I get, the more goes wrong--and the weirder that "wrong" gets.  I'm in good hands and the Lord knows and I will be fine.  Again, the type A planner in me gets frustrated with hypothesis diagnosis...
I've caught up on Bravo.  The only time I EVER watch TV is when I'm sick and need something to take my mind off of how horrible my body feels.  We're all good on the Real Housewives in every county and city and Project Runway.  And my, how MTV has changed!  Couldn't stomach any of it.  Could just be the constant nausea, however...
So, a giant thank you to my husband and my amazing boys who wish me better with lots of hugs and kisses.  Praying for this vertigo junk to stop.  That's the most annoying part of all of this--the not being able to move or stand up without wanting to vomit--oh, and objects jumping/growing off the walls.  I have never experienced anything so yucky.  HATE IT!  I keep trying to convince myself that it is NOT a brain tumor pushing against my skull and causing all of this craziness.  Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Kindergarten Cop" comes to mind ("it's not a tuma!")
So, typing is making me feel like I'm going to throw up, so close my eyes I must.  Wishing you all health and peace (and please, someone, go on a long, prayerful run for me!!!).  Love to you all!

On Being Eeyore...

Got up at 4:45 a.m. today to run.  Marty had class and had to leave quite early.  It was my only shot as it was supposed to be so hot and I didn't want to take the boys out in the heat on the bike path.  Wasn't that hot of a day.  Weather people.  Only job where you can consistently be wrong and not get fired.  Good grief.  Was crabby and grouchy and tired all day.  Worked in infants for ten hours the day before at the crack of dawn, so back to back days of no sleep (heck, weeks!) just didn't gel with my mind, soul, and body today.  So, I do what I do and cleaned the house and baked with the boys and decided against the pool plans we had made as seclusion seemed the better deal with my case of the gloomy grumpies.  The boys relaxed, played Wii, read, played Lego's, and helped me make peanut butter, caramel, cheerio bars and j-ello.  Exciting, yes? ;) 
Reorganized some things in an attempt to get rid of some of the clutter that has taken over the house.  My husband is a pack rat.  He has a lot of stuff for the sake of "someday" and "maybe" and "possibly" and "just in case".  I am a what ever the word is for 'not a lot of stuff' kind of person and it drives me crazy (go ahead and say it honey, "what doesn't?" ;)).  I get overwhelmed by great quantities of junk, for lack of a better word, and it sends my OCD into a panic attack and frenzy.  Mess is just insanity.  Things need to be neat and tidy to make sense, in my world.  Be calm and throw away...  Nothing important, of course.  
Griff was on a rampage today.  The boys played well, but they also fought well.  G knows what buttons to push on Max--and especially the BIG, BRIGHT, RED ones--called germs.  He was mercilessly teasing him with germs of all kinds today.  I got irritated with them both. 
At the moment, Max is taking a break from G and playing catch with Daddy in the back yard, Griffyn is watching "Max and Ruby" and demanding ice cream.  I've said "no" at least a thousand times and he has asked me "why" at least a thousand more in response.  Apparently "because I said so" and "you just had dinner" aren't good enough reasons to suppress his incessant questioning mind... 
Hoping to get to the pool tomorrow as it's supposed to reach 100 degrees.  Max has baseball practice.  Tourney's this weekend, race pick up and the fun run for the 4th.  I get overwhelmed way too easily.  Blessed (thank you Lord!!!) to get the EA from work tomorrow, so I don't have to worry about finding care for the boys (thank you, Abby, for volunteering to keep G all day and to my mom for offering to pick up Max in the afternoon from my work).  Thankfully I get to stay home as Marty has to leave at 6:40 a.m. as it is.  God is good.  Little blessings are sometimes the biggest!
My children need to go to bed early.  I seem to have no patience today.  It's just plain gone and no amount of chamomile tea or ibuprofen is bringing it back.  I should just admit defeat.  And maybe get some of that ice cream G's been begging for!
Max's stomach aches are still running rampant.  Especially before bed, when he has to calm down and stop--and his mind begins to solely focus on his thoughts without distraction.  He knows it's anxiety.  The mind and body connection--stinks for some of us.  The past few months have been terrible and I'm going to call myself out as a terrible parent here and admit that some days I've just had enough.  I had the same issues as a kid--but life at "home" sucked--like a nightmare.  Max has a great life (I would almost say spoiled).  Yet, he has anxiety and the panic and the OCD.  On the bright side, maybe I would have been this messed up either way?!?  HA!  Then I blame myself.  He's obviously gotten it from me.  Damn genetics!  It's my fault and I feel terrible.  I just try to smile, hug him, not get frustrated at the irrationality of it all (because I KNOW how VERY real it feels), and reassure him that he is the absolute most amazing and best kid ever (cause he IS :))!  After all this, I ask him to go write in his journal and pray.  That seems to be our best recourse for reconnecting to calm at this point.
Then there's my G, otherwise knows as the Tasmanian Devil.  The kid has to be reminded a billion times to go and wash his hands after he uses the bathroom--usually by his big brother.  Grilling out at my mom's last night (who lives in a nice condo association in Norwalk), he tells me he has to go potty.  I tell him to 'go then'.  Next thing I know, I turn around and he's peeing on Grandma and Grandpa's front lawn.  "You betta not step on dat pot right dare, Momma, tause dat's where I pee'd".  Awesome.  He is LOUD, and CRAZY, and never EVER stops moving.  He is so skinny because sitting still to eat requires, well, sitting still--and he just can't do it.  He is exuberance on crack.  He has me laughing one minute and wanted to put him in a kennel the next (really, we have a time out rug and NOT a kennel--yet ;)).  He is naughty smart and his latest saying is (right after I tell him NOT to do something), "Momma, don't yook at me!".  Let me just say, if you hear those words--ya better look!!!
One emotionally drains me and the other physically wears me down.  At the end of the day, I feel like I have nothing left.  Then there's my three 10 hour work days with my kids at the center and a husband who is often MIA.  By Thursday I am completely spent.  I often feel sick and wonder how I make the drive home with my eyeballs open.  I have a very blessed life that I dearly and truly love--I'm just tired through 99 percent of it.  Yes, I take lots and lots and lots of vitamins and protein shakes are my new best friend--but still tired.  So tired, I can't sleep.  Irony at it's best in motherhood, eh?  I know most of us are in the same tired ass boat without a paddle--or we had one and can't remember what in the world we did with it ;)!

My four year old is throwing a screaming tantrum for Daddy and my nine year old is taking another shower.  Maybe I should switch from tea to wine ;).  And then I am reminded that God does not give us more than we can handle~moreover, what he can HELP us handle.  At times I feel like a post traumatic stress disorder victim and I just wants to throw my hands up in the air and shout--"I've paid my dues!  Seriously, wasn't half my life enough?!?" and then I realize I'm throwing a temper tantrum of my own.  God's will is perfect.  His timing spot on.  His plan for each of our lives flawless.  When did I so selfishly lose sight of this?!?  Oh yes, when I was wining like a toddler for everything to be easy and go my way because somehow I'd 'earned' it already.  How frustrated God must get with me.  He must want to shout down from heaven, "How many blessings must I give you, daughter, before you will TRUST my faithfulness to you?!?".  Thanks be to God that he is so merciful!!!

Still hoping for that early bedtime ;).  And maybe, just maybe, sitting next to my husband and relaxing (okay, so I'll fall asleep, but at least we'll be together).  G needs a bath and his favorite Lego guy jammies (not sure if the favorite is Star Wars or Batman tonight, so I will retrieve both just to be safe :)).  Max has his reading done for the day and bedtime snacks are done.  So all that's left is stories and prayers (and enduring the stalling process ;)).  Griff gets more creative with age.  He needs a "dwink" another story, another "tiss and hug", another song, to change the color on his bee constellation night light, his favorite blanket on/and then off two seconds later, to find out what that "saddow" is on the wall, to pray one more time--and on, and on, and on and on...
And I'm told someday I will miss this.  I know I will.  Just not today.  Today, I want quiet and I want my bed and I want to feel 36 and not 90.  And I will NOT be getting up after 4 a.m. to run tomorrow.  Sorry.  It seemed to have ruined my day ;). 

I will choose instead to "sleep in" till a little after six (when ever Marty wakes me up to get ready for class) and wallow in the fluffiness of my pillows and blankets until I hear the pitter patter and thud, thud, thud of Griffyn's feet running into my room to wake me with a huge kiss (even if I am awake, I close my eyes tight as he is convinced it is his kiss alone that wakes me :)).  And I will make scrambled eggs and cinnamon toast and eat it all without worrying about the calories, the fact I didn't run, and that I will be putting on a swim suit to take the boys to the pool.  And I will be happy.  I will be very, very happy...

Love, peace, and smiles on this journey, friends!  For wherever we go is where we were meant to be! 

Rainy days...

So thankful for the rain.  Our lawn needed it, the farmers needed it, in fact, all of God's nature was crying out in thirst!  Moreover, this family needed it.  The rains caused us to slow down, take a break from the crazy busy that is our "normal", and reconnect...
I shouldn't say slow down per say.  Marty installed a ceiling fan in the boy's room as it has been getting much too hot in the evenings.  I cleaned the house from top to bottom:  bathrooms (my least favorite job in the whole world--let's be honest, boys are just gross sometimes--and I have 3 ;)), dusting, vacuuming, and laundry (and attempted to organize our "office").  As we are always gone, I haven't had any time to do this--so, although it was work, I enjoyed it.  We were able to have some play time with our Tay (who G can not live more than two days without seeing) and Marty was able to hang out with some friends at the Cub's game tonight (and thankful my sister got to go as well--her first game).  She's leaving in a few days for her adventure in New Hampshire and I would have hated for her to miss it.  I missed being able to go out with my girls this evening (no sitter and husband gone--but didn't think I would be able to anyway due to a tournament--but still miss them)--but enjoyed a relaxing movie and popcorn night with the boys on our bedroom floor.  Good times.  Also had a baptismal run in the rain this morning.  Continued as once I was wet, it really didn't matter.  The house is now quiet, and the rain still falls...

Fun with Tay

Who says picnics are just for sunny days?

Let's just say it took more than five minutes.  Awesome job, honey!!!

Those of you who know me well or have read the postings I have shared, know that I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life.  I like to think I am getting "better" and as I get older, I'm able to let go more and actually "feel" what I KNOW and not just verbalize it to myself.  What I'm saying is that I know what is going on in my head/heart isn't necessarily healthy or true, but it's one thing to get the brain part and quite another to get the heart part.  The internal battles continue, but the connection happens :)!  So, I was struck by a comment a neighbor said to me today that probably would have previously gone unnoticed by me--I would have just chalked it up to yet another one of my abnormalities and flaws and felt discouraged.  She was asking if I would help with something for our 4th of July extravaganza (I love our small town!  The fourth is one major party.  So fun!) and then said that it would give me a reason to be at the park without having to really talk to people--since that's 'not my thing'.  It hit me different this time, and I know she didn't mean anything hurtful by it, yet it made me feel like I need to walk around wearing a t-shirt explaining myself (ie defending myself). 
I'd like to set something straight.  It's not that I don't LIKE talking to people--I love people :).  It's that I don't LIKE me or feel like I am on the same level--lower, much lower--and I feel awkward, silly, stupid, ugly, socially inept (and a plethora of other adjectives) around the human race.  Like if  I breathe wrong people will just be able to sense all of my crazy.  I told this lovely friend that "I am getting a lot better at that now," and "thanks, but no thanks".  For the first time, in a long time, I am going to the park to enjoy the festivities with my kids and friends.  I'm introverted, yes, but not shy. 
And then I began thinking of all the ways that I have been getting 'better' and began praising God in my heart instead of beating myself up.  Each day is a new day, a bigger step towards the Sonshine (misspelling intentional :)). 
And it's okay that I haven't been Miss Social my whole life (and may never be), but I don't want to be pigeon holed as someone who doesn't want to do anything because "it's not your thing".  I really do, and I'm trying VERY hard--it just takes a lot of energy, strength, focus, and mental fortitude for me to do so.  That's the thing about depression and anxiety--a lot of things that are easy for everyone else are a billion times harder for those of us that struggle with this.  "My thing", as defined by my mind and feelings some days, would be to crawl under a rock and hide forever--but I can't do that.  And moreover, no one "wants" it for themselves--these feelings that chain you up and won't let the real you out...  You fight through it--and it's tiring, but you do it.  And there are some days I just don't have it--and that's really okay too.  I let God carry me those days.  And by the grace of God, my amazing army of friends, my husband and my kids, I am able to be brave.  I am not focusing on what I've missed (as that just spirals me down further), but what I'm gaining in the relationships I am building around me and God is granting me.  It's been scary as the fear of not being accepted is so ominous, but knowing that I have such great love and acceptance at the core of my life makes that leap of faith all the more doable.  Focusing my eyes on what God wants and expects of me takes my eyes off of what I perceive other people think I should be.  Trust is also a major issue for me as, in my experience, I've attracted people in the past that have ulterior motives and "accept" me for what they can get or use from me.  I've had to repeatedly learn that this is not acceptance and that if you constantly have to give to be liked, the friendship is not genuine.  Friendship is soul uplifting, not sucking.  Yes, at 36 I am just learning this.  Better late than never? :)
I will never be a social butterfly who flits from here to there, and quite frankly, between 30 exhausting hours a week at work (that I love, but exhaustion is just the nature of my job :)), an insane amount of baseball, football, basketball (pick the season), two boys that couldn't be more polar opposite from each other, a husband that coaches and works and contributes to lots of meetings, I don't have the time.  I don't think most mommies do.  But now, when I am blessed with the opportunity to make new friends, try new things, or catch up with my girls, I can do it with a different levity than I had before (any levity beats the grey that was before).  I have to be honest--I still feel judged and small and less than at times--but I also know that this is something that may not be projected by my company, but by my perception of myself.  I fight through this because these relationships are worth it to me.  I want them.  I need them.  And by golly, it's just fun to laugh and be with friends--without having a wonderfest of "am I good enough for these beautiful people?" going on inside my head and heart.  And I don't have to be good enough.  I just have to be the creation God made--major quirks and all.  That is enough. :) 
So, I just wanted to say thank you, on this rainy, rainy day--to all of my girls who know me and put up with and love me.  I love you with all my heart (or butt, as Jess likes to say :)).  You have no idea what your acceptance and support and encouragement and solidarity mean to me.  I thank you for your patience when I need space and your understanding when I smother you ;).  Thank you for sharing your light, your faith, your sunshine with this soul.  You all make me want to be the person I want to be, and give me the guts to do so.  The inspiring blessing of true friendship is not lost on this woman.  As Emerson said, "The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship."  Amen.
And my kids.  I seriously can NOT believe that God has granted me such love.  I get to come home to those knock down hugs, blow me away kisses, and cuddles and "I lub you's" and "I love you's" (I have two children and one with a speech impediment he's sure to outgrow soon :)) every single day.  This ginormous blessing is not lost on this momma.  God has made all of my dreams come true.  Even the ones I didn't know I had! 
And my husband.  Yes, we struggle, and yes, we argue, and yes, we drive each other crazy (okay, to the brink of insanity ;))--but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he will ALWAYS be there for me and wants what's best for me--even if we disagree on what that 'best' is.  I love you, honey.  Even when I don't like you ;).  And I know you feel the same about me.  You never let me go--even when I throw my tantrums and want to run away.  You hold me through the melt downs and let me know that after it's all over, you are still standing right next to me.  And that amazing blessing is also not lost on this wife.
So now I will go back to snuggling with my sleeping boys and praying for a safe return for my husband.  And my heart will continue to be blessed as creation is the rain...

Movie night and snuggles with mommy...

The Wonder Years...

"The little child, when it sees a star sparkle, stretches out its dimpled arms; it wants that star.  To want a star is the beautiful insanity of the young."

Countess de Gasparin

I went for a little jaunt on the bike path today to "jog out my yuckies", as I call it.  Just an emotional day--which takes everything or nothing for me.  Could be that father's day is coming up.  Could be that we have another overwhelmingly busy weekend ahead.  Could be that I have not yet caught up on sleep after the very busy weekend we just had in Fort Dodge at yet another baseball tournament.  Could be that the boys were very crazy last night after said no sleep, getting up at 4:40 a.m. and working with preschoolers for ten hours (big thanks to the hubs for covering concession stand duty from 7 to close last night), not being able to sleep, then Griff deciding an early start to the day would be best for all of us (smile).  Most likely it is just because I am thoroughly exhausted.  I have no real reason to be so sad.  Darn stupid depression.  It doesn't make much sense...

Got some work done around the house, Marty got his errands run and took G to Carme's to get Griff's mullet taken care of (thanks, Carme girl, we love ya), then decided after lots of prayer and tears it was just time to get the shoes on and hit the pavement.  Even though it seems daunting and just plain undo able when I'm in the throws of gray, I KNOW it always helps.  And it did.  God and sunshine.  Nothing can beat it. 

And in the middle of my body adjusting to a slow (very slow) rhythm of breathing and moving, I felt a softness all around me.  It's a familiar softness and I know it to be God.  I don't hear his voice like Moses in the days of old, but I feel him.  He breathes with me through the wind in the trees, he reassures me through the sunshine filtering through the clouds, and for every nasty and ugly sin of reality (in the dead snakes and other animal carcass that occasional line my way, literally), he holds me in his arms as the air wraps around me and he lets me know that what ever happens, I will be okay because he is already there.  Always and forever already there...

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together."  Colossians 1:17

And I smile when I pass the bench the boys and I always have a little picnic snack on in the middle of our bike path adventures and think of them and the absolutely INSANE blessings they are to me.  Unfathomable that I would be allowed so much joy in the form of two little boys.  Too much for my heart and mind to understand, but I'll take it and never stop thanking God for blessing me so richly. 

I smile as I see the tractor rolling through the fields and think of Griffyn as he always waves radically and exuberantly at the farmer plowing or planting~~and if we're close enough to be seen, the farmer smiles, slows down just a touch and waves back.  G's smile takes up his entire face ."Tan you BEEWEEVE it, Momma?  Dat farma dust waved at me!  I tan't even beweeve it!!!".  To my boy, farmers are rock stars.  If he could, he'd ask for their autograph. 

Then there's my Max who stops his bike ever few minutes just to take everything in.  "Do you see that, Mom?" as he's surveying the small rolling hills of trees, greenery, tall grasses, "It's just so peaceful and beautiful!".  We watch dragon flies for a small eternity, horses, the occasional weasel, ducks, hawks, gorgeous wild flowers, geese, all kinds of birds, butterflies, mice, and G actually likes snakes.  Apparently they are quite friendly and just as curious as we are (he is the ultimate authority on all things slimy and creepy).  G says, "Mom, don't sceem yike dat!  He's dust saying hewwo and seeing what you doing."  Yeah, G, I just don't feel much like talking to something that slithery.  Then I am gently reminded that "Dod made snakes too, momma".  Very true, my G...

One of my favorite little traditions is our 'butterfly blessings'.  It started out when I was explaining one day to Max when he was a very little guy the miracle that butterflies are.  They are so delicate and fragile and yet able to fly and sustain and survive.  Some even migrate!  They are rather miraculous to me.  I further explained that they can help flowers grow by transferring pollen from one to the next from their "feet".  Max looked up at me and said, "Butterflies are sure a blessing."  And so our 'butterfly blessings' was born.  Every single time we see a butterfly, we thank God for all of our blessings and name one specifically.  There are usually lots of butterflies of all colors and sizes out on the bike path.  Makes for lots of praising God and counting our blessings time.  I haven't looked at a butterfly the same since...

So even when I get the luxury of being "alone" on the bike path (more now that Marty is around on my two days off a week), I think of my boys--and don't tell Marty this--but sometimes I even miss their company.  Everything is a miracle to them.  Intriguing, worth investigating, worth stopping for.  This life holds such wonder for them--everything, from the smallest ant to the greatest tree, evokes wonder.  I need that back.  Because with this wonder comes the thankful heart of blessing~to be in awe, to be amazed, to be in wonder means you appreciate, you stop, you look, you listen~~you are aware and you are grounded in the very intrinsic reality that life holds miracles big and small for each and every one of us every single day.  There is NO room to be anxious or have a case of the yucks in this state of mind. 

And I pass some bachelor buttons (my favorite flowers next to daisies) and think of Grandpa Harold.   I think of him often out here.  Could be the farms, could be the flowers that remind me of the ones he and Grandma had on the farm and would put in mason jars for me to take home, could be the quiet that although it is so very soft and still is so strong--strong enough to carry me across bridges, gravel, and heart ache and back home again.  All remind me of Grandpa.  And I think of how I want my boys to be like him.  And I hope I am doing a good job by them.  And I pray some more.  I pray a lot on this path.  I can think clearly here by myself.  I pray that God helps me to be a good mommy, wife, friend, sister, daughter, teacher, neighbor, servant, child of God and all the things God created me to be--that he would quiet the noise in my head and heart that makes me doubt my value compared to others, my place in this world where I often feel so ridiculed, weird, and snubbed.  Here I can rise above that noise, find the quiet and peace of Jesus in my heart, and just BE.   This place with my Lord helps me to remember that.  I need to be reminded often...

There is no ulterior motive to nature.  It just is.  There is no ulterior motive to God.  Pure peace.  I never feel used.  I never feel judged.  I fit right in.  This is my heaven on earth.  This is my place of wonder, of blessing, of prayer, and of praise~alone or with my boys. 

May we always look at the world in wonder, my loves.  Many blessings, much peace, and joy to you all!

Another Busy Day

No time to run, well, on the bike path anyway...  Spent most of our day running here and there and everywhere...  It was definitely a gorgeous day to do so...

Now waiting for the laundry to get done so I can take the dry clothes out and put the wet ones in and then hopefully get to sleep.  The boys are FINALLY sleeping--all three of them.  After our busy day, Max started running a fever over 103 this evening.  He was helping me plant flowers and looked so white and was shaking.  He didn't want to tell me he didn't feel good because we had s'mores and bonfire plans with friends.  Took him inside, and sure enough--he's got this crud too.  Marty was already a shivery mess on the couch and not feeling well himself.  Got the ibuprofen started and he ate some jello and drank some juice.  Our amazing friend, Jen, brought over some s'mores so the boys didn't feel like they were missing out.  Thank you, Jen.  You made their night!  We love you! :)

Max had a dental appointment at 11 a.m. (what was I thinking scheduling a dental appointment on all school pic nic and music program day?  No place to park to pick up my child!).  The most stressful part is taking G along on all of our errands.  Griff is on his own time and in his own fabulous world of discovery in which all sticks, flowers, bugs, or creatures of any kind MUST be explored, touched, picked, caught, and slightly tortured.  Ahhhhhh!  After a day of this, I want to pull out my hair--what's left of it.  Let's just say, there's a plethora of treasures to be discovered at his level...

Dr. Jenny had good news for us (we love you, Dental Professionals!).  Max has a tooth growing out of his gum line while the baby tooth below seems to want to stay put.  With some twisting and gentle tugging, she thinks it will be out by the end of June then the tooth that is growing in will come down.  She used much more technical terms, of course, this was just my take away. :)  If it doesn't come out, she can pull it out at that time and it's an easy process that takes about ten minutes.  However, nothing is ever easy for the Mitchell's ;)--those of you who know us feel free to smile and nod knowingly :)...

G and I dropped Max back off at school, ran back home to pack up our pic nic lunch with special sandwich orders of plain peanut butter for Marty, peanut butter and jelly for Max, and turkey and cheese (as always) for Griff--a few cookies, crackers, juice boxes, lots of napkins and wet wipes and we're good to go.  Grabbed our pic nic blanket and a monster diet coke for me (yes, back on the pop wagon--but only occasionally), and back to school.  Found some shade and found our Max and Daddy was able to join us a bit later.  Such a beautiful day for a good ole fashion pic nic!  Max had fun playing football after lunch with his friends.  Then, it was off to the high school auditorium to hear Max's music concert!

Max's class did a musical, as he called it, about eating healthy and getting exercise.  There were songs about keeping F I T--fit! and eating rainbows.  Max played a boy named Joe and got to talk a lot and did a great job.  I would have completely froze if I had to do that at his age.  So proud of you, Max!!!  You were amazing!  Also got to meet his girlfriend for the first time.  He came clean to Mom and Dad about her last night.  We had heard rumors, but he had denied them.  For some reason, he thought we'd be mad.  It was a great opportunity to remind Max that he should always tell the truth and that he can talk to us about absolutely everything--even girls ;).  The third grade class did such a fantastic job, and it's hard to believe this is Max's last year in this building!  Time has truly gone by too fast.  I was teary by the end of the program.  Great job, third graders!!!  You guys ROCKED it!!! :)

The boys have been dying to meet their buddy's Chance and G's new puppy, so Jen graciously let us come on over and play with the newest member of their family~Mr. Bentley.  He is the most darling little guy and the boys loved him.  He was very gentle and had a face that just melted my heart.  No, no, no...  We are NOT getting a puppy.  But darn it, if we didn't have all these allergies, it sure would be fun.  We'll just play with Bentley :). 

Marty passed out as soon as he got home.  Decided to get the planters filled with the boys while daddy was resting.  Max and I got that all done while Griff managed to get almost every single toy we have out of the garage and play with it for one minute :).  That's just how he roles.  Max was really trying to hide that he wasn't feeling well so we could go to the bonfire, but he wasn't able to do so any longer.  Inside the house he was a mess of pain.  Griff made the most of this, little stink pot.  Max was very mad at Griffyn and blamed him for giving him all of his germs.  Not much fun for anyone, really, but got G in the tub and Max somewhat comfortable--mostly by removing Griff from his proximity ;).  Jen called later and Max felt better when he heard the bonfire was off due to wind and cold anyway, and then even better when a knock on the door was a plate full of s'mores :). 

Not sure where I'm sleeping tonight as the boys are all over the place in our bedroom.  After G got out of the bathtub he was immediately asleep--maybe all that running around today really did wear him out.  Max has a buddy's birthday party tomorrow and is all worried about missing that--so we'll see how that goes.  Maybe a good night's sleep will be a magic cure?  Crossing fingers, but want to make sure I don't expose anyone else to this junk so I'm sure there will be lots of tears as Max will have to stay home :(.  Sorry, big guy!

Also thinking of my baby sister, Molly, as she graduates tonight from the University of those Golden Gophers in my home state of Minnesota.  Mom, Homer, and Jen left this morning.  Wish I could be there, Molly, but know we are so very PROUD of you and thinking of you on this night that is ALL YOURS!!!  CONGRATS, and we love ya!!!  Now, go on and take on the world!!! 

Wishing you all sweet dreams and bright tomorrows.  Hoping to get a chance to find some solitude on the bike path tomorrow.  So few and far between these days.  Always something going on, isn't there?  But such a blessing to be able to be a part of it all!!!

Peace and love and happy weekend!!!

Another Year Gone By...

Coming down from a big weekend.  My youngest turned four and I turned 36.  His one year is affecting me more emotionally than mine :).  The years have never really bothered me per say, it's the feeling them that's starting to bother me ;).  But G has definitely gotten too big, too fast.  Maybe it's hitting me even harder knowing he is my last "baby".  The days are long, the years are short it seems...

He had a fabulous Lego Star Wars birthday party.  The Lego cake took me well into the midnight hour the night before, but the smile that lit up his face when he saw it made it ALL worth it :).  Some stress involved always when you have a mix of kids and family like that, but he had fun and we were able to have some relaxing down time and soak it all up at the end of the evening with just Tay (our adopted little sis :)) and the boys and I snuggling and watching "Dora".  These moments go by too fast.  They need to be savored, and I will never apologize for that.  "These are the days," as Natalie Merchant sings...  We don't get these moments back~not ever.  We might do things a little differently next year.  This day is about what makes my kid happy and about my family.  That should be able to be respected and adhered to for a few hours, right? ;)

Griff has a very special friend that he adores and she made the day for him.  We were blessed to have some Taylor time.  It's so adorable to watch how, at such a young age, they know each other so well and are just there for each other.  I don't know any other duo of friends at this age that can spend all day together with out fighting or having any 'issues' at all.  If they have a disagreement, they work it out till they're both happy.  These two just make my heart smile.  May we always have friends as true as this! :)

We had our "real" birthday celebration (the actual day :)) together yesterday and went out to eat and Grandma and Aunt Jen brought us both a cake.  We played outside and were both just feeling very tired and worn out.  G ended up rocking a raging fever (over 103) around ten.  He had his well child check up today and shots are rescheduled.  All his forms are filled out for daycare and preschool, eye exam, all that good stuff.  He has coxsauki and is miserable (just like hand, foot, and mouth--but all in his throat--very painful stuff).  Hasn't eaten anything all day--even turned down ice cream and a shake from McDonald's.  Fighting with him to drink.  Won't touch his Popsicle, but he's entertaining the idea of eating some jello--shaped like a Lego :).  Started running a fever myself today and just feel achy and like I have the flu.  Hoping to make it through the ten hour work day tomorrow.  :(  By God's strength, I can! :)

So thankful for so many blessings and another year God has given me to experience them.  Trying to find the proper balance between expression and letting things roll.  Sometimes I just wish we had the choice to shut the door and not let the yuckiness of life in--but ya gotta deal with it and the fact of the matter is, some of it is just not ever going to change (and that's the most frustrating part)--so you have to grin and bear it and protect your soul.  Always protect your soul.  I don't want to let it embitter me or change me.  And I have to remind myself that although I may not have the choice of avoidance, I DO have a voice and even if it is not respected, listened to, understood, or even regarded, I can use it to demand, to protect, to create this life I want for me and for my family.  I'm not afraid anymore.  Moreover, I feel like I am 'enough' of a person to deserve it (and my children most certainly are).  I also have to trust that God's got this.  He is far greater than anything or anyone.  My eyes are fixed on him...
 
If nothing else, this weekend has inspired me to keep on keeping on.  There is such a lack of kindness and respect in this world, and if our kids don't even get it--we're in a sorry state of affairs.  They mirror what they SEE, not just what we SAY.  My kids know that they aren't any better than anyone else.  We are all pretty awesome creations of the divine and deserve to be treated as such.  "Stupid" is still a put down and a bad word at our house--as well as calling someone a "baby" because they like something different.  Uniqueness is prized, not put down.  Since when has the "status quo" ever gotten us anywhere...

And, I don't mind loud and crazy.  I am the oldest of five children.  I've been babysitting and nannying since I was in sixth grade.  I have a 4 and 9 year old.  I've worked with kids and taught preschool for the past eleven years. I completely get that kids will be both :).  I've had a little experience in the field of motherhood and teaching.  ;)  But I do NOT tolerate disrespect towards me or my children.  That is not what being a kid is about or what being a boy is about, for that matter, and isn't something anyone should get used to.  I find this to be absolutely insulting to our children--we need higher expectations--we need to model this behavior--they deserve better, they deserve more...  I have always said and firmly believe that our children become what we expect of them.  I expect more...

Moreover, it is possible.  Very possible.  My boys can.  We have a house full of the kid's friends constantly as we are blessed to live in a neighborhood full of childen (mostly boys) and I love it!!! :)  And guess what?   THEY can :).  My classroom is full of kids that can.  That's 24 four and five year olds, folks.  So that excuse doesn't work for me--and is even more insulting when it is associated with being a boy.  My boys aren't held to any lower standards than I hold girls.  Again, I'll plug the book "Real Boys".  This world would be in a lot better shape if we as educators and parents all read it :).
 
I've been on this rant before, and so I will stop.  You've been down this road with me :).  It's all in how we treat each other, isn't it?  More Tylenol for me and hopefully some sleep.  So much festering that a scream may be warranted as well (although that would hurt my throat ;)). 
Love my boys, love being their momma, and so grateful for the chance and the honor of this journey.  That we get to celebrate birthdays, learn lessons, and just find out who we are (as my friend Robin says, "to just be" :)) together.  Held together by the hands of God--guiding us all the way. 

And I am encouraged by the little lights (getting bigger every year) that my boys are to this world and that they will continue to be.  That's God shining through.  And although I will continue to mess up and make mistakes for the rest of my and their lives, I know that because they know and have Him (G is still trying to understand the Holy Spirit living in his heart thing--and loves talking about the "ghost" inside his heart ;)) they truly have everything they need. 

Love and peace, and many happy, happy birthdays to you all!  Goodnight...

Grandma and Grandpa Mitchell and cousins (we missed Sierra, Zach, Benji and Sydney)

Grandma Soyer and Grandpa Hill

Finally some rest time... :)