It's a mad, mad world...

Feeling a bit like Alice today.  Crazy evening the night before with no sleep--my youngest's cold making it impossible for him to sleep--thus morning work out plans derailed (that was ever so much needed to regain a sense of strength and sanity).  But we plug away.  Little G needed extra lovings as he was feeling yucky and was so sad to miss preschool and Maxaroo had teeth that needed to be pulled (the bottom ones were not loose, so the top ones were coming through his side gum line).  Our water heater had been going into "vacation mode" for the past few weeks and we were constantly running out of hot water, so got that fixed today as well.  All with a raging headache.  Now for some rest and cuddles with the boys--and hopes for a more sane tomorrow.  Our small town's homecoming is this weekend, so Daddy is cheering on our Wildcats for us!  The boys are sad they are having to miss it...

Looking forward to fallish things--apple and pumpkin picking, our days at Cambridge, making yummy fall treats, the chill in the air, the changing of the colors (however, not the worsening of the stirring up of our allergies), cozy fires, and the homeyness that fall brings.  Marty's busy with football, football and more football.  Gives us some quiet weekends with just me and the boys time that I love as well.  We get a lot of that in the fall :).

The boys want to get the Halloween decorations out this weekend and as I LOVE this "holiday", that involves three totes worth of pumpkins, ghosts and goblins.  Since Christmas decorations are already gracing department stores, we might as well.  I know I'll have two very happy little helpers.

Truly, our days at Howell's and Cambridge (Center Grove) are my absolute favorite out of the entire year.  How many times can we go before Christmas?  I heard they even have season passes to Cambridge.  May be something worth looking into.  Nothing better than digging into nature and clean open country air to liven and restore the soul and spirit. 

Bed time for this tired mommy.  Will be dreaming fallish dreams and wondering how many different ways one can bake pumpkin and cream cheese yumminess :).  Love and peace...

Days like these...

 

"Behold I stand at the door and knock."  Oh no, Lord.  I'm banging with both fists...

I've gotten to that point this week--this point--the point where I start asking God THOSE questions...

Lord, I know you have placed these situations in my life, this thing, that thing and the other, for  reasons--unknown to me--and I need to be, MUST be, grateful for them.  These things help me grow, make me stronger, push me farther--draw me to you...

These past few months I've quit running altogether.  My knees ache and my joints refuse to even jog.  The joy was completely gone.  Maybe I will be able to actually run again some day (not just limp about), but for now--I'm trying something new.  I've taken up free weights and core workouts--which began with sore muscles I never knew I had--and has progressed slowly--not that it's ever really easier--I am just able to walk and get dressed the next day without wincing ;).  It's exciting to see those muscles build, to feel stronger, and therefore somehow more capable (not that I'm ever taking anyone on in a back ally ;))...

And I'm finding my faith is kind of like that.  God is flexing my faith muscles.  Making them stronger.  Teaching me I can do the sets--repeatedly--and that I will get stronger and live another day :).  I hear Gunnar's voice in my head telling me to "make it dynamic".  God is wanting me to make this life dynamic too, and that doesn't just happen--that involves putting in the time and lots of hard work. 

But then there are weeks, months of this stuff of life that are just so draining.  Last night I was reading through my Bible study after getting the boys down after a rough night and just started crying.  No reason.  Just crying.  Here we go again.  My body is so worn out, this is what it does--sheds water--catharsis, release?  Or maybe just crazy...  And I know at times that it's because I'm missing my companion, husband--just talking to another human being that KNOWS this stuff on a level no one else does--but God is always there.  And he never gets tired of listening...

And so I pray; God thank you for blessing me with so much--the responsibility of these preschoolers and children that are in my care at "my office",  my own little loves that looks to me for everything, this whole wife gig, and for my family and friends that are as close as family.  I most graciously thank you.  And I remember this verse...
 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  James 1:2-4  Through all of this, God is helping me "grow up".  Yes, even this woman who feels like she never really had a chance to be a kid needs some help in the "growing up" department :).

 



God, you must also have faith I can handle this--or you are giving me more to draw me closer to you--to depend on you--because you know I have a really hard time giving it all to you and truly, truly letting go.  That weight is one I am not meant to carry alone--nor can I effectively without hurting myself. 

And I am reminded, "The bruising and crushing and melting process is designed to reshape you, not ruin you."  Reshaping--a little bruising, melting and possible crushing--but I will not be ruined.  If the past has taught me nothing but this, I know that I will not be ruined...

And this mommy thing is tough.  I've always been "odd, different, weird' (insert eclectic adjective of choice) and I know to my core how much that can hurt growing up--heck, even NOW!  And I grow so tired of a world that does not except children who do not fit into some stereotypical mold or category.  It quite literally, breaks my heart.  Tiny pieces--all over the floor...  And so I teach my kids to embrace it--even be proud of it--different is good.  Who wants to be status quo?  Really, look around, status quo is pretty blech right now.  It's not getting this world anywhere better, that's for sure.  John reminds us, "Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you.  We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers.  Anyone who does not love remains in death."  1 John 3:13-14.  Tough stuff, John, but encouraging as well.  Except and love those that are different--even if that different is you.  God does.  That's who he created you to be--and darlings, we don't need to argue with God on that point.  God made Max the Max that he is for a specific reason just as he made Griffyn the Griffyn he is for a specific reason--however different those reasons may be--embrace it, love it, and respect it.  That's who Jesus died for... 

And being different takes a toughness, a strength that those "normal" people just don't get ;).  So, let's praise God for that.  We see things differently because we have been places most people haven't--and honey, we've survived.  With a few cracks and kinks and quirks, my love, but we've SURVIVED.  Can I get an hallelujah and an amen?!?  Those trials, well they give you a voice where you were once silent, empathy and understanding you may not have had, they make you want to help, to heal, and they strengthen your faith and give you a confidence in God (that, 'I know I wouldn't be alive without you' confidence in God) that makes you tough as nails.  No matter how hard that hammer hits, you know with God's strength, you can take it.  What stronger assurance of faith can we have then our dear Lord and Savior seeing us through the darkest of times time and time again!?!  And they make you a fighter.  You fight for what's right, you fight for those you love, and you may be afraid--but you just can't help yourself.  That lion inside just has to roar...

And yet, God has to soften that toughness for me by bringing me back--drawing me to him daily with things I can't do without him.  Issues with my kids, my job, family--and usually all at once ;)...  Because I want to do what is right, not what is easy--I want to do what God would want from me, and not what I desire.  You stick with it, you persevere, and you believe with all of your heart, mind, body and soul that there is PURPOSE in the pain, PURPOSE in the discipline.  My friends, there is most certainly and always purpose.  "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it"  Hebrews 12:11.  I'm growing a bountiful garden and pray upon my soul that God can harvest righteousness from this vessel He created. 

These verses also help when that hammer strikes...  "But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who BELIEVE and are SAVED."  Hebrews 10:39  "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Hebrews 11:1  We KNOW to our core what will be--we've got the ending to our stories--eternal life and salvation forever with those who love the Lord.  That much is very clear.  And how glorious is that?  This other stuff?  It's all about the journey and how we bring glory to God through those tough struggles, trials, and through our day to day life.  It all matters, friends--it all matters... 

God knows my heart.  He knows I am trying to do my best.  And worry is not my master, nor fear, nor approval, nor any societal "expectation" I may place on myself.  And I take comfort in this verse that clearly delineates where my priorities should be, "And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming."  1 John 2:28 (don't you love it when God call us "dear children"? :)).  Confident and unashamed.  At what ever cost it may appear or feel to be to me, I will do my very best for my God and have faith in his plan for my life and for those I love all around me.

So, I'll keep flexing these faith muscles for my kids, the ones and love, and more over--for Him.  And I may always feel like an alien of sorts in this big old world, but that's okay with me.  Cause this big old world, well, it's not my home now is it? 

Much peace, much love, and muscle building to you all.  And prayer?  Well, that's the next best thing to ibuprofen ;).  Keep on fighting the good fight, and don't forget you are never, ever alone...

"C" is for "Coffee"

Oh goodness, friends, this morning came WAY too early!!! 

We had a wonderful evening with friends, such great food and some wine after another rough week, and the boys played long into the night with their buddies Jack and Nate while we grown ups got to sit and talk.  Heaven!  Speaking of, Griffyn experienced his own nirvana and had a toy gun in his hand for most of the evening (I may have to succumb--the kid is kind of obsessed with them--"dust toy ones, mom, NOT weal ones!" as he mentions in his prayers each and every night as a way to appease me ;)) and he and Jack honed their WWE skills while Max and Nate played football till red in the face outside and then had some fun making "movies" on the Ipad.  It always takes a bit to corral the boys to the van when they're having so much fun, but I think we were home by midnight ;).  As always, thanks to T and J for making us feel so at home!

Jammies, teeth, and even books were read (I tried not to rush through them but did deter a second reading of "Where The Wild Things Are")--and they went to bed very easily.  Max was excited for his early wake up call with Daddy as he went with Marty to Iowa City today to watch the Hawks play UNI.  Poor Max got about as much sleep as I did as Griffyn started screaming and having nightmares around 2 a.m.  Isn't that when the world always falls apart?  2 a.m.? ;)  It's been a few weeks of this now...

I don't know what it is about daddies, or maybe it's just my husband, that they are always completely deaf to the sounds of their children screaming in the middle of the night.  So, it's me that gets up.  Marty continued to snore on as the blurry, dark image of my huge boy child loomed in front of me (which was startling and nightmarish enough for me to awaken to--enough of my nightmares are made up of that stuff)--"Griffyn's crying and yelling and he won't stop, Mom".

So we trudge to the boy's room and there's G, thrashing about and screaming, "NO!  DOE AWAY!!!" 

"Be careful, Mom, when I tried to hug him, he punched me.  So just be careful please, Mom."  Max gave me a big hug and heaved that big boy body back up to the top bunk.  Ahhhhh, night terrors.  "I'll be okay, honey.  Thanks for coming and getting me, and I'm sorry I didn't hear."  I usually do--but must have just crashed after a week of no sleep.

Trying to calm the storm that was G, rubbing his back, whispering to him that mommy was here and everything was okay as he rolled from side to side, not awake but not sleeping either.  Eventually he settled down and his breathing became soft and rhythmic again.  Kisses and plodded on down the hallway to rejoin my snoring husband who's sleep wasn't interrupted in the least.  I had just closed my eyes when Max was back, "Um, Mom, sorry but Griffyn says he needs you."  And all I could think about was how ridiculously tired Max was going to be in a few hours.  Hopefully he could get some sleep on the drive to IC...

There sat Griff--a mad, dejected mess.  All four pillow pets thrown off his bed, blankets all askew, and his beloved horses and "feebras" peppered all over the place.  "I dust need you, Momma.  I tan't det the bad fings outta my head!!!  Why did you leeb me?!?" 
"What bad things, honey?"  I asked, skipping over the abandonment issue (best mom EVER! ;)).  "I don't wanna even FINK about it, Momma, tause den it dets BACK in my head!"  Okay, understood, picked him up and cuddled.  "I need to sweep wif you, Mommy, tause den I won't be cared."  and then a soft voice from Max comes, "Can I just sleep by you on the floor?".  By now, it's after 3 a.m. and I really, really just want to close my eyes and could sleep on a pile of rocks and barbed wire at this point--so two boys and one mommy make the trek back to Mommy and Daddy's room--where Daddy is STILL snoring, blissfully unaware of our adventures.

I know this phase will pass for Griffyn.  Max went through it too--and it's usually worse when we're so busy and he doesn't get enough sleep.  And no matter what time G goes to bed, he always gets up early.  He's just got way too much to do.  He's a light sleeper--and despite an air purifier, two night lights and his light up pillow pet--his imagination is scarier to him than anything he's ever seen or any story he's ever heard. Most of the time he can't remember what his bad dream was about, although I can sometimes tell by whatever he's yelling.  It's usually about a friend hurting him or someone he loves getting hurt.  He's saved his precious baby Grace from many ferocious beasts!

We WILL be taking a nap today.  This week has kicked my b-u-t-t (and pretty much everything else).  Never have been a good sleeper, but after getting woken up so many times, I just can't fall back asleep anymore.  And who has the luxury of sleeping in when there's work and preschool to get to? And this husband of mine has been so busy with cross country meets and teaching that it's all me at the end of the day too--and with football--the weekends are, you guessed it, me too.  So Griff and I will be having a lounge around, easy day today (got that, G?) :).  We may leave the house to explore our beloved bike path, but that's it.  This momma is hunkering down... ;)

So thankful for the time to be home and always love every minute I get to spend with these boys!  Always being tired is just part of being a mommy to these two lovies, and I know so many of us are in the same boat.  There really is no such thing as balance at this point--although I often can give myself the illusion of such a thing--it's really day by day, and moment by blessed moment--and finding the thankfulness and joy in it all--and that is perfectly fine with me.  I KNOW I will miss this all and it will go by all too fast...

With family walks and much more reading and Bible study time, we are doing a better job of staying connected as a family--and that's the most important thing to me right now.  I don't want to lose out on that precious communication with Max (or G, but Max's world is a bit more complicated to navigate than G's at the moment so it takes a bit more of that communication ;)).  This ten year old terrain is a whole new ball game (HA!) for me.  He's a little grown up and little kid all smushed into one anxious, loving, soft hearted, germ obsessed, worrisome, absent minded (poor kid takes after me--but with all that stuff going on in his head, something has to give), sports loving, art loving (creating comic books is his new thing), prayerful, big yet little being--and I need to be mindful of his world and what he's going through and the struggles he faces.  And I need to be always listening and just taking the time to be there--be present.  Things come out at the oddest times.  And just making those times together available is so important to me.  Guess I'm just one of those really weird mommy's that covets and really enjoys and needs to spend time with her kids :).   So no, he won't be rushing off to a friends house the minute we pull into the drive way after I haven't seen them all blessed day!  And the fact that Max would rather spend time home than always be running off and playing with his buddies (although he enjoys that too) makes me realize that HE is needing and wanting this time also.  And he's beginning to navigate those waters of friendship and family and I'm loving that he is still loving to have his Mom time.  And I'm sure he will enjoy his Dad time today at Kinnick and hoping the Hawks can catch a ball or two ;)...

I digress...  which you are all used to... :)

More caffeine please, and safe travels to everyone headed to games near and far and may your team win.  I plan on nursing a headache on the couch--and may even endure an episode of Sponge Bob or two to get said couch time.  What a week!  I keep saying that, don't I?  ;)

Peace, love and happy weekend to all!  Hope there are cozy blankets, pillows, and naps in your futures--or at least enough coffee to make it through the day with your eyes open :)!

At the end of the day...

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

 

Old nonsense.  I gotta lot of it.  Creeps into my day to day, sometimes sabotaging it, often times not letting me get any sleep for weeks at a time, ruining my mood, depleting me of my energy.  I'm tempted to get a garbage can and label it "old nonsense" for nothing more than a visible metaphor for my soul.
 

Punky kids this weekend.  Sick boys with stomach and head aches and scratchy throats.  Daddy was up at before the crack of dawn for the only thing he ever gets up at the crack of dawn for--Hawkeye football--so it was just me and two whiny kids (granted the whining was justified) all day and into the night as they always need to sleep with mommy when they're sick.  Today was my turn.  And Marty was very tired--from previous said day in IC.  Not much of a weekend.

 

And I've just been really sad a lot.  No reason other than stress, I suppose, and just crazy, crazy, crazy times at work.  Trying to remember which bruises came from which kids kicking, punching, and hitting frenzies as I shower--not to mention hoping I get all the spit out of my hair as that seems to be the trend along with the rage. 

 

Preschool is getting to be a violent world anymore with parents who don't really seem to care.  And certainly, there are those that most decidedly do--they want to know how their child's day went and how they behaved--and the ones that worry the most are the ones that have the kids we need to worry about the least.  They don't come in to pick up or drop off talking on their cell phones, they come in talking to their child and exchanging conversation with me.  They are connected.  I just wish they were in the majority. 

 

Each year it seems to get worse.  I'll be at this 12 years in January.  I used to feel like I really made a difference.  Now I just feel used up, exhausted, and disrespected.  If I ever personally got a call from my child's teacher along the lines of "your child just punched me in the eye after throwing chairs around the classroom" (I have this habit of getting down to the child's level, that I can't seem to break, when ever I talk to a child--maybe I should try harder to break that habit), I would be beyond mortified and could not apologize to the teacher enough.  Instead I get responses to these physical aggressions of hitting, kicking, biting, etc. like "he doesn't do that at home" or "did he hit you very hard?" or "we were out of town these past few days and she's just tired" or absolutely no response at all. I am completely blown away by all of this.  What is happening to our kids and our families that we have become so completely excepting of this violence towards teachers and their peers?

 

I attribute some of this to what they see.  Some of my preschool kids have seen movies my ten year old has yet to see--all the super hero and comic book genres as well as Transformers 3.  I really don't think this helps.  This isn't just me being judgemental.  The Children's Academy of Pediatrics backs me on this too.  And they seem to have unlimited access to video games and TV.  Gone, or so it seems to be, are the days of reading to our kids, playing outside, or doing anything in general together that doesn't involve electronics or a big screen.  And gone seems to be the respect from parents who used to see us as builders of the foundation for their children's futures.  Now we seem to be more along the lines of babysitters and indentured servants or people that can't get "real" jobs (that's my favorite).  They can say or do what ever they feel to us and we have to just smile and take it. 

 

I went to Simpson and graduated in the top ten percent of my class, magna cum laude, with honors in English and the Humanities with a feeling that I could do something with all that I had worked so hard to achieve.  I didn't necessarily want to change the world, but I wanted to substantially and positively effect it in some way.  So a cubicle didn't work for me.  I needed hands on connections with people.  I didn't necessarily plan on it being little people, but that was God's plan.

 

Psychology--with that came Behavioral Psych classes and many, many abnormal psych and child/adolescent psych classes.  I was able to work with a family that had an autistic child which I found to be both frustrating and rewarding.  I loved the challenge and the "connection" made in his world and was so inspired and fueled by that experience that I wanted desperately to change other people's ways of seeing these kids.  I often wonder how he's doing and what he's doing with his life right now.

 

I was also fortunate to work in a psychiatric facility (Westminster Houses I and II) the summer of my junior year.  From books to real life, it was a summer I will never forget.  There were things I was responsible for that I probably shouldn't have been and there were very scary things that happened that I wasn't prepared or trained for.  But I was able to see where some of these disorders I had studied lead to, the prisons these people's disorders had become, and my heart broke for them.  That summer, still at times, seems like a dream as those houses were such a disconnect from "the real world".  I also knew that I could not pursue my Psych degree in the manner I was planning.  God puts everything in our lives for a reason.

 

And I think about the kids I was exposed to and had relationships with in both of these settings, along with the adults, and my mind can't help but say "now those human beings had REAL problems and obstacles".  And yet we have all of these "normal" kids acting out and behaving so consistently disrespectfully because they didn't get their full ten hours of sleep the night before or were with Grandma too long over the weekend?  And I get discouraged that I could make more of a difference and connection "there" than "here".

 

And what's funny to me is that I walked into those college experiences with no degree and nothing but "book" knowledge--no hands on training--and I was treated with MORE respect than I am now.  When I bring up issues with a parent concerning their child in our preschool environment, I often times don't even get eye contact or acknowledgement--and certainly not the respect that I MAY possibly have an understanding as to what I am talking about.  I understand we're all busy and in a hurry and have a million things going on in our lives--I get it--I'm a mommy too--but if you don't have TWO SECONDS to listen to issues your child is having on a repeated basis that WILL affect his or her ability to succeed not only in kindergarten, but life in general, maybe you should be assessing to what degree you really want to be a parent.  These are people with the means and education to get the help for their children.  Why is this happening?

 

And my heart goes out to these kids.  They are the bullies now and they will be the bullies in school with the parents who will say "he never has done this before" (after hearing it for a year in preschool) to annually blaming it on their child's teacher.  And these are the kids that will continue to hurt my kids, your kids, my neighbor's kids...  It's frustrating beyond belief.  And if I could just be lazy and not care, my job would be a heck of a lot easier.  But I see my children in these little people and think to myself, if their parents won't help them--who will?  And yes, I cry for them at night and worry about them.  And then I pray and hope the best for them.  And begin my day hoping that I don't end it with more bruises...

 

And no, my own children are NOT perfect.  They drive me crazy, sometimes daily.  And they both have their own issues.  And I often feel like I'm failing miserably as a parent also.  But I will always have the time and energy to care, to listen, to want feedback and encourage advice from their teachers and caregivers that spend more time with them than I am able to.  That much I CAN do--whether I have time for it or not. 

 

And I go through the motions of "maybe I should start looking for another job" that actually pays something (it always makes me grimace when I realize that my STARTING salary for my first real job at Meredith out of college was HIGHER than my CURRENT salary after being at the Child Development Center for almost 12 years--a little discouraging--but NO ONE does this job for the money).  But those few close family and child and co-worker connections keep me hanging on.  For dear life, but hanging on none-the-less...

 

And these past weeks have been so hard.  Thinking of the child and parent interactions I've had and how they have been more negative than positive (but so thankful that the parent who raised her hand to my face and her children are gone--far less fear going into work these days)--and how that shift just seems to have happened in these past few years.  And I wax nostalgic over the golden years when these families were part of my family (there are still a few--and I thank God for them!!!  It's how I am able to stay and I appreciate all of their love and support!!!) and children were taught the basics of respect, honesty and kindness AT HOME--so we weren't starting from complete scratch.  Now we have to teach five year olds that it's not nice to throw blocks at someones head (or the windows) when you're angry--because they really don't understand why that's not okay... 

 

And I have some amazing coworkers that lift me up, and without them I'd have walked out years ago.  And I am truly blessed in that regard.  However, lately, a lot of them seem to be leaving...

 

And I'm left with, how do I make this work for me, my family, and these kids?  Because it seems rather ominous at this point.  And so many employees are discouraged by the bad news we get at work--and it would just be nice to have some positive reinforcement every once in awhile.  Parents don't like being given "bad reports" about their kids, but they don't care to make the effort to help us out in any way.  I'm not someone who can lie and say, "she had a great day" when her day was far from it.  And as a parent myself, I would WANT to know.  Apparently we are a dying breed...

 

And maybe I just need to take a step back, learn to dodge flying objects more adeptly, and just let their parents figure it out.  Except those kids ARE my job--and if we are supposed to be getting them ready for kindergarten, then I can't stop caring when their parents don't seem to be affected in the least.  I wish there was a contract we could sign with parents along the lines of "we promise to help eachother" because this whole education thing--it's a team effort.  I can't make your child behave anymore than I can make your child learn--and without your support and respect, it's all rather pointless...

 

I'm tired, feeling rotten, and should just get to bed.  Can not believe it is Monday tomorrow as this weekend was just draining.  And yes, my depression is coming through and I should be more optimistic as I am blessed to work with children, creative people, and despite all that goes on--I have to love my job somewhat to have stuck with it this long.  I know it's not the raises or free vacations ;).  Everything happens for a reason.  And when God is ready for me to "get out" and be done with this, he will open something else.

 

So, enough old nonsense for tonight and time to get my own two littles bathed, read to, prayed with, and tucked in.  Love to you all, and may you find rest tonight from all the nonsense of your day and the strength to greet the next day with high spirits!

 

Peace and love always...

 



That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse...

“O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.

That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.” 

~Walt Whitman~Leaves of Grass

 

peace

 

I come to this passage from Walt often in my life.  It speaks so simply and clearly of the anguish of questioned purpose and gives such an inspired answer to that question.  It takes me back to quieter, although not simpler, days at Simpson College--when I had more time to read, to soak in words.  Even now they are a sustenance as great as food.  And here I am again, reading "Leaves Of Grass" while Griffyn rests and exhaling some of the heaviness of the week...

Ahhhh, the work week is done.  A long, exhausting, emotional, stressful, completely spent and pushed past my limit work week is done!  Being bounced from here to there with the flexibility of a gymnast is not easy for this 36 year old running on fumes--and then to find my "schedule" was yet to change again.  For this girl who likes structure and needs some predictability in my hours for this family that is so busy to function, I am in the wrong profession!  If it weren't for my sisters at work and the good Lord above, I just may succumb to that cubicle once again! :)
Last night was spent in prayer.  No sleep.  Too many friends and loved ones tackling big issues, health concerns, and struggles.  I began to ask the question, through tears, that has become Griffyn's question of the day--Why does our God let such horrible, rotten things happen to such good people and continue to prosper such horrible, rotten people?  I grab my Bible and am reminded that God has a plan (he has a plan, he has a plan, he has a plan--repeat 1,000 times) and that his timing is as perfect as his plan, however painful and brutal it may seem now.  I am reminded and cling to this for some sense of peace and comfort.  And yet I feel helpless because I just want to fix everything.  And I can't.  Not even close.  And I feel overwhelmed and a bit hopeless, although as Christians we never are--yet I feel it--face buried in wet pillow...

"We must never forget that we are children of God who rely on the incomparable power of God to see us through to the end!"

Incomparable power.  Wow.  With God, we are kind of like super heroes.  What ever we must face, we have the most powerful and greatest companion in the Lord almighty fighting right along with us.  I feel Jesus lifting me up and coaxing my face out of that pillow...

And there will ALWAYS be those people.  You know who I mean--THOSE people--who ware on your soul, suck your spirit, and just make you feel plain yucky.  I get so mad at myself for wasting a second of frustration or despair on these people.  One less second of joy.  And I wonder what it is about myself that has such trouble letting go and somehow just passing gracefully over these speed bumps of negativity, lies, and deceit? 
In all reality, I truly tire of being nice.  There, I said it.  I just get really, really tired of taking it over and over again.  I want to say something mean.  I want to just walk away and never have to "deal" again.  Why, or Lord, why?  I give myself the pep talk of "showing love in the face of selfishness and thoughtlessness, shining the light of God, being a good example, turning the other cheek" when I just want to cry, walk away, and scream, "I hate you and leave me alone!". 
My angst?  That there is no visible repercussions for these people.  God isn't smiting them (come on Lord, smite away!!!).  They continue to hurt and harm at their leisure and I just get so tired of it.  It's difficult for me to find the balance between being a child of God and getting so physically and emotionally drained that I am left questioning if I can bear another second of it.  Thankfully, it is not by OUR strength--but by HIS.    I will concentrate on being the best me he created me to be--and there will be those people that always have a problem with that--where my "me" will never be good enough or respected.  But they are not God, nor do I stand in judgement of them.  And God reminds me, "Do not be deceived.  God cannot be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows." Galatians 6:7  So I must be forever mindful of the crop I am yielding and spend less time fretting over theirs.

"So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?'"  Hebrews 13:6
Amen!

And we continue to walk, to do and to be who God created us to be in the midst of a world that is full of chaos and turmoil.  And I find peace in the little things.  In baking bread with my four year old today.  In doing the laundry--and finding comfort in the smells of freshly washed sheets and blankets amidst the smell of fresh bread coming out of the oven.  In realizing purpose.  However small or large that purpose is for the day, it is there.  If nothing else than to create and experience joy with my boys and give them a safe place to just be.  To be fully present during a walk in the beauty of His nature, the simple happiness of playing with a neighbor's new puppy (this time the boys want a mini Yorkie thanks to Mia), painting, writing notes to friends, and even getting those bills paid and organized.  I am thankful, I am grateful, I am blessed.  And if I have to shout out loud to banish those feelings of anger and insecurity or having to prove myself to someone I will never be respected by, I will.  I will just use my words, as I tell my preschool children, and tell those thoughts and feelings that they are not welcome and must go away.  There is no place for them here in this short life!

"The adversary will tempt you to doubt, to hold back, to think 'We're not going to make it!'.  Relax.  Always remember that God's unusual plan ends with a rainbow of new HOPE!"  and no one's stepping on my rainbow! :)

And again God calls us to love.  That love is such hard work sometimes--that authentic love.  "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.  Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.  Each one should use whatever gifts he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in various forms."  So I will get up, use my gifts - however small they may be- and do my part in this great big world.  Because I am able, because I can, because that's what God has called me to do...

And I will continue to pray and do my best to quiet my heart and be still before the Lord and be patient with his perfect timing.  I will take care of this heart and soul he gave me and not cast my "pearls before swine", or get trampled under the tongue of someone who is always stirring up hate and anger. I will rise above, not by my own means, but by the hands of God who tells us to "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."  1 Peter 5:6-7  God can take it.  He can take it all.  And he cares so deeply for all of us.  Even in the midst of pain that makes you question it. 

I will continue to pray and do the things that God created this heart to do and be at peace with my place and space in this world.  I will through His will. 

Peace and love and JOY to you all, friends.  Much, much joy!  And may we all, ever so graciously, contribute our verse!



In Max's Shoes

Can not believe that school is just around the corner and summer will soon be over.  I knew it would go by quickly, but not THIS fast, right?!?  My youngest is starting preschool and my oldest will be in a different building for 4th and 5th grade AND is turning ten very shortly.  Again, I am amazed at how quickly the time has flown by.  I think the nine months I was pregnant with each of them went more slowly then these past years ;)!

And they're growing up so very, very fast.  And last night I was re-reminded about just how hard and painful that growing up can be...

Max has been going through a bit of a slump lately.  He has been telling me he feels 'fat', 'slow', and that he will 'never be a good athlete'.  I wasn't quite sure where all of this was coming from at the tender age of almost ten, but I always try to be his biggest cheerleader--especially when he's feeling down in the dumps.  I try to encourage him and remind him that not everyone is the same and it is those differences that are to be celebrated and that just as long as you try your best, your best is ALWAYS good enough for this momma and his daddy.  Being an athlete doesn't mean you have to win a gold medal or always come first.  It's your heart, your drive, your tenacity and your willingness to never give up--oh yeah, and it's supposed to be FUN too!  Hasn't really been working.  Giving myself a big ole "F" on my parenting report card!!! 
So we've started jogging together (he's excited to run for our friend, Nicole, in the Katie's Crusaders race this October) and going on more family walks and just playing more (although I pale in comparison to playing baseball, basketball or football with Daddy ;)--I still try :)).  In short, I'm just trying to spend more time with him--and time spent with Max is usually active (okay, so I'll just admit that video games stress me out and I stink at Mario ;)).  I'll take outside over playing and losing hair over Wii ;).
So on our jog/walk last night, he asked if he could share something with me--and as always, I said "always".  He got really quiet and put his head down and said he didn't want me to be mad at anybody (always a good sign, right? ;)).  I told him I might be upset if it was something that wasn't right or hurt him, but I would openly listen without getting angry.  He proceeded to tell me about a few experiences he had over this summer and things he'd over heard someone say in front of him and in reference to him that explained so much of why he has been feeling the way he has been feeling.  Yes, it completely broke my heart and hell yes, I wanted to punch this person in the face--or at least give this woman a phone call.  It also broke my heart for what she was teaching and modeling for her own children.  I felt myself tense up and my fists clench a bit.  In my mind was the whisper from God, "use this as a teachable moment, Angie--do not react in anger--turn this into something positive..." 
Deep breath, Momma.  First, I had to reiterate to Max that Mom and Dad love him for who he is with all our hearts (and Griff does too-however annoying he may be ;)).  You are NOT fat, and you are no less of an athlete because your feet are bigger or your bones don't stick out of your body.  You are you--perfect just as God made you.  And anyone else who doesn't honor or respect that or see you that way isn't seeing with the right eyes (what in the world has happened to RESPECT or humanity these days--goodness!!!).
The most important part of who we are is our soul and that is WHO we are--this outside stuff is just outside stuff.  And yes, we do need to take care of our bodies as they are the temples of our souls--but our value is not a number on a scale or how fast our feet run or how great of "an athlete" someone else deems us to be.  This life is not a sport's competition where the winner has sufficiently beaten down everyone else for the sheer sake of beating everyone else--to gloat and brag.  God doesn't really care about any of that.  It's about the light we shine and the difference we can make--the forever difference...  THAT is what we should spend and consume our time being concerned about!  Never in a million years would I have thought I'd be having this discussion with my son! 
I also told him there are far worse things than being "fat"--or what someone else perceives "fat" to be for you, their children, or themselves.  Far, FAR worse things...  Like mean or selfish or thoughtless...  "Yeah, those things are really, really bad."  Max said.  And I again apologized that that ADULT made him feel that way and said those things without ever once thinking how hurtful it would be to my son--because when you are that self absorbed, of course it wouldn't even cross your mind.  And although I have been told several times by this person that "no one can MAKE you feel" a certain way--our words DO indeed have consequences--so we need to be careful and take some responsibility for how we use them.  God doesn't call the tongue a double edged sword without reason. 
I shared with him that this person had also hurt me with things that have been said along those very same lines for years while knowing I was struggling with my own issues (if nothing else to show that grown ups get hurt too and to validate his feelings), but we have to use these experiences to make us better people and to try even harder to shine that light that God gave us.  And as a parent I was reminded how much LOUDER our parenting voices of love and encouragement have to be as our voices need to drown out all the other junk our children hear from outside voices that can so easily drag them down.  I thanked God for this reminder and Max and I continued to talk about some other things that were on his mind. 
Today, I'm trying to let go of the anger and the desire to call this woman and tell her just what I think once and for all (real nice of me, right?)--but I know in years of dealing with this enigma that is never really addressed or even perceived and often commended--it won't do any good--just get me angry, get me called 'jealous' again, and really just waste my time and drain a bit more of my spirit.  And who needs that?  So, I will continue to try with everything in me to be the Mom I need to be for my sons and we will continue our jogs, our family walks, our healthy eating and spend just as much time on our prayers, talks with God and time in the word and showing kindness to others--because the development of our hearts and our souls is just as important as the development of our athletic, or not so athletic, bodies--and only one is eternal. 
I will end with this quote from Pablo Casals that has always been a favorite of mine and initially inspired me to be a teacher and to also always strive to be a better parent...

"Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again...  And what do we teach our children?  We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France.  When will we also teach them what they are?...  We should say to each of them:  Do you know what you are?  YOU are a MARVEL.  You are unique.  In all the years that have passed, there has NEVER been another child like you.  Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move.  You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven...You have the capacity for ANYTHING.  Yes, you are a marvel.  And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel.  You must work--we all must work--to make the world worthy of its children."

And may we ALL look at each other as the marvels that God created us to be!

In love and peace, friends...  and blessings and love to all of our little (getting bigger every day) ones :)!

For when I am weak, then I am strong...

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline." 

2 Timothy 1:7

What an emotional roller coaster these past few months have been--not to mention the very missed presence of sleep to refuel.  Vacation, crammed into a few short days when we usually have a full week to relax and take in the sights (was great being able to sneak in some time to see my brother and his wife in Madison :)).  Iowa City visit for the boys, followed by Griffyn coming home with a 103 temp and a fever virus that lasted another week.  My sister and Harold came to visit in the midst of all of this, and I feel like we didn't get to see them much.  Marty's family also had a reunion of sorts with most of the family being from here.  In all this, I didn't have time to take time off of work, and those 30 hours a week in the middle of everything else were somewhat brutal.  I felt like I missed a lot of special time with my sister, made more difficult by the fact that she will not be able to make it back for Christmas this year.  Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed which leads me to feeling a bit moody, agitated, bitter, frustrated, and sad.  Lots of fun to be around :)!
And my baby is turning ten in a few weeks.  Getting his invites together and so proud of him for what he has chosen to do this year.  He doesn't want to draw attention to it and would rather keep it a secret, so I will honor his request.  White Sox themed baseball party and he wants to do a sleepover.  Gulp.  Grilling out, playing baseball, and I have secured a White Sox jersey pinata.  Then school starts.  Crazy how fast this summer has gone by.  Insanely crazy.  And how old am I that I will have ten year old soon?  Really?!?  My reflection in the mirror tells me that yes, this is possible, but it doesn't seem all that long ago we were watching "Thomas The Train" together and his favorite things were trains, bubbles, and butterflies...
And I find myself struggling and floundering a bit.  I love being a mom.  I love my job and I have the most amazing friends, despite the fact that we hardly ever get to see or talk to one another unless we work together, and I know my blessings are more than I deserve.  Yet sometimes I just feel so very alone in all of this hullabaloo of life--keeping my head above water--just trying to keep up at best.  It takes a lot of work for this momma just to maintain mediocrity. 
This weekend was a nice little respite.  We were HOME!  Yay!  Doesn't happen often.  No make up, wore nothing presentable, and started laundry (which sneakily multiplies if I miss but one day).  Read with Max for an hour, watched a movie with the boys (Julia Roberts version of "Snow White"--whimsically lovely), grilled out, organized the play room, worked on the grandparent's photo book for Christmas for hours on end, and organized some more.  Nice to be home and able to do those things. 
And in all this crazy the past few months, my migraines have become just ridiculous.  If I don't have a full on migraine, it's a constant headache--I go to bed with them and wake up with them.  Kind of getting used to it now.  But it doesn't help with my crabbiness.  I know that the lack of sleep isn't helping, but I feel like I could literally sleep for days and who has time for that?
The boys are doing well.  Although there are often big and little things that make me feel like an absolute failure as a mother, and I constantly pray that God will help me and give me the patience I need to be the mom my boys need--and both seem to need very different pieces from me.  I need to listen better, more, and dare I say, 'for real' (not just peppering the conversations with "uh hu" and "that's nice).  I need to be more present and in the moment for them.  I come home from a day of tattling, being disrespected by certain children and their parents, teaching, helping, giving--and sometimes I just want to sit down and shut down.  Not a choice, nor should it be.  They deserve my everything.  And God gives us the strength to do all things.  But there are times, frequently, that I fail and feel so terrible that the mere sound of my kid's voice drives me so batty and I say something stupid like, "Can you just not need something for five minutes please?" when all Max wants to do is talk to me about this really cool game or character, in great detail, that he invented today.  I want him to know that he can always come to me with anything--ANYTHING--because I know if I don't listen and be present now, he will come to me less and less.  Driving home (trying to keep my eyes open and stay in the right lane), I give myself the talk--I will make myself some tea, ask about their day, take a quick shower, and be ON.  Sometimes it happens, and sometimes I end up making dinner and we eat in the living room while watching TV.  How does every other mom do it so much better?

 
And marriage.  I love my husband.  I do.  But I tell ya, it's hard.  It's very hard.  You start out as these people, and you become these other people, and so many changes come along.  And yet some things don't change (despite thinking after we have this one baby this will be different--to surely after having TWO this will be different), so you have to adapt, change, grow, fall apart and build yourself up again--and it's all just quite exhausting--fighting to keep your identity while also trying to keep your spouse happy.  They say that life is a balancing act.  Marriage often feels like that tightrope, minus the safety net.  Hans Christian Anderson said that 'life is the greatest fairy tale'.  He failed to mention, however, all the blood, sweat and tears that go into that happily ever after. 

I never really imagined myself to be anywhere specifically in my late thirties--I was too busy just trying to survive to imagine my future in any intricate detail--so I haven't fallen short of any preconceived goals.  But I will be blatantly honest and say that I had imagined love to be different--I blame British movies ("A Room With A View") and Jane Austen novels.  And I'm not expecting anything over the top romantic brimming with roses and poetry...  I just want something stemming from respect -- for who I am and who I am really trying hard to be.  I want someone to look at me and say "wow, I'm really proud of you--you are one incredible person" over "you're pretty, you complete me, your eyes are mirrors to my soul" and all that other mushy none sense (although I'd take that too if it was said in sincerity ;)).  I don't want someone to come and constantly point out all my flaws and how I can and should change them.  Trust me, I am painfully aware, and I don't believe there is any quick fix to anything about me, as annoying as that is to many people.  I am a human being, completely fallible and totally aware of all my "messed up"-ness--I don't need that held over my head or used against me.  My thoughts and feelings are still valid weather you understand them or not.  And I don't even expect understanding at this point in my life.  Just respect.  Even if you "don't get it", love me enough to respect this is me and my situation right now.  I may look like a walking disaster, but I'm pretty damn proud of this person God has put through the fire and made new.  I've worked hard to be this "mess" you see before you--and will have to respectfully agree to disagree about who this person should be.  "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12:9 
And so much about the "toughness" of marriage isn't even about the two of you.  There's all kinds of other people and family that get involved--and as hard as you may try to put that aside in some way--it's there.  I try to remind myself that these persons don't mean to do what they do or may not even realize it, but after years and years and years and history repeating itself from one family to the next, it's hard to use that excuse.  At some point, a person should learn.  I don't want my children to be around toxic people and I would love to be able to avoid them altogether myself--if only it were that easy.  This kind of stress literally makes me sick.  It's that learned helplessness where you are trapped in the realization that nothing will ever change and that you can't reason with crazy or dishonesty--so no amount of talking will help.  And it makes me resentful that after all the crap I've had to deal with in my life time, I still have to eat crap and smile.  Yes, a very ungracious attitude on my part.  I grow tired of people not having to be held accountable for their words or actions and when faced with them denying them or spewing out more lies and excuses with a flood gate of tears.  There is no "winning" in this situation.  And I am constantly reminded by 1 Peter 3:8-9, "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing."  So I attempt to take this as a teachable moment (after moment after moment).  It takes its toll as my defences go up and I have to guard my heart and mind and protect what is dear to me--the ugliest person to me is the person who is only out for themselves and attention--no matter how they have to get it.  But God calls us to harmony, so the good fight must be fought (with breaks in between as you'd have to commit me--I am only human).  And after having your name smeared so many times and having so many lies said about you, this verse comes to mind, "For it is God's will that by doing good, you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men."  1 Peter 2:15.  Keep on keeping on, is what Peter is saying.  He is reminding us to never tire of doing good.  We do it for Him, we do it for Him...

Life would be so much easier if we could all just be kind, respectful, and think of others before ourselves.  But it's a selfish, manipulative and greedy world out there.  Trying to do your best in raising your kids, keeping close to God, and keeping your marriage grounded in faith and love is a daily task--daunting at times--but doable.  Trying to keep all the other muck and mire out of it is at times very essential--other times unavoidable, but that is when you put on that full armor of God and plug away for "There is no other god who can rescue like this!" Daniel 3:29. 
And I am encouraged by the truth that God knows we are not perfect--he knows us better than anyone--before we were even a breath on this earth, he knew us.  And it is for that imperfection that he sent his one and only son to die for us.  Who loves you more than that?!?  And I know that I want to live my life in a way that honor's that sacrifice and it is only by walking close to God that I can even begin to scratch the surface of what that means and all that entails.  And in the end, we all are held accountable.  Nothing is hidden from God.  This makes letting go of all the injustice I see a little easier.  I can take a deep breath, do what I can, and then just let go.  God's created the world, he can certainly handle this mess of life. 
"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13  I don't want my heart to harden by being overwhelmed with all the very tough stuff--so I will make a joyful noise unto the Lord, praise his name, life up my hands, and thank him for his blessings.  Put one foot in front of the other, hug my boys, tell my husband I love him, and continue fighting the good fight of faith--today and everyday, for as long as I live... 

Peace and love, friends...